Spontaneous?

[Seymore]

Ok, so my girlfriend and I had a fight, decided to talk over what we each needed to work on to improve the relationship and then took steps to make things work. 1 weekend down and it's been great - she's slipped once, but I stood up for myself and it worked. She's also taking big steps to improve her attitude. One thing gets to me, though:

 

She had said she wished i'd be more spontaneous. Now, I could stand to make that happen as I'm a very routine person, and that's not always a good thing. But she had told me "New Year's Eve, I want to go out. I have a nice dress and shoes and I'd like to wear them on that night". I decided to take the reins for once and say "I'm on it - I will pick a nice place for us".

 

I spent 2 hours looking for a place within my budget (she can't pay for it), and something nice. Bars, no. Clubs, no. So today I finally find a nice place with dinner, dancing, etc., and I bring it up to her. She says "Sounds nice, but let's wait a while. Maybe we can just have a party at my place or yours and invite friends over instead? I know I said I wanted to dress up, but this sounds good."

 

It's 3 weeks until NYE. We should have booked this weeks ago. So what do I do? Can I still mark a tick on the board for me being spontaneous for once? It's hard to do when she can't make up her mind, and I can't see thee point in being spontaneous when she always says "No, let's do this instead", or "I really don't feel like that tonight". It's almost like she's saying "Be spontaneous, but only when it works for me".

 

Last week I scored one by deciding to take her to the store to shop for Xmas decorations so that we could decorate my place together, but that worked, this didn't. So if planning NYE not spontaneous for someone like me, what's the definition, according to you guys?

[Merrick]

Seems to me that you made a valiant attempt at some spontenaiety. I am the same as you and soemtimes find it hard to do stuff out of the ordinary. She should be happy that you tried to make a date like that. Maybe you can suggest doing your idea for NYE's and tell her that you can both go to a friends party for when midnight hits.

 

As for a definition? doesn't matter what we say only what she thinks is spontaneous. I'd say pick her up for work on day and take her for ice cream or soemthing you don't usually do. Maybe, print off a new recipe and go get the food together and make it together...it is easy to be playful and have fun in the kitchen. Don't put too much pressure on yourself...sounds like you are doing things right.

 

Oh....btw...you are not literally keeping score are you?????

[SeaBisquit]

ok on new years eve where ever you two decide to go be spontaneous and take off all your clothes when the clock twelve.

[Seymore]

Nah, not scorekeeping - I just want to have the things I try in mind afterwards so that if she ever says I'm not doing it, I can recall every one and show her that I am working on it. The thing is, she's got such a busy life that there's not much room for spontaneity. Sometimes I'll think of something awesome and she's got a class or needs to do homework, etc.

 

Like this weekend - I made us plans to go on a carriage ride. I can think of the things, but I always worry that something will come up at the last minute, like they always do. Then we end up changing our plans to move around her.

[awnestj]

although you kind of surprised her...i don't think you were being spontaneous with the new years eve plans...i like to plan as well - this will definitely test your patience

[Seymore]

But it's not just being spontaneous - I know that planning and spontaneity aren't the same. It's that she wants me to think of these things so that she doesn't have to. Then I do, and she says and I quote: "that's a stage too far ahead for me to think too much about right now, u know?"

 

I don't know what the heck she wants! I'm just really trying - clipping out things in the paper that we can do etc. But she's not really planning anything herself, either. She says "What do you want to do?" and I say "How about this?" and she says "Nah, what else?", then two days later she say stuff like: "Anywhere we go I'm great as long as I'm with you".

[keenan]

The joy of a spontaneous partner is that life becomes more flexible and fun. IMO there are a couple ways to do this.

 

One is to be adaptable--if you'd planned on making dinner at home or going to a movie, be open to going to a pub or taking a long walk in the park instead (or in addition to). Basically, suggest activities (whether as small a change as dinner plans or as large a change as "hey, do you want to drive to the coast and camp this weekend"), and be willing to go along with her suggestions. Roll with it.

 

The other (and more fun kind) of spontaneity is to plan fun things and take care of all the details in advance. For this kind, don't ask. Tell. Tell her that on Saturday night she needs to put on a fancy dress and dancing shoes, and be ready to go by 8pm. Then take her dancing...or to a play, a symphony, a club, the beach, whatever. Pick a place you might not ordinarily go. If you take her to the park, have a full picnic basket stored in the back of your car. Surprise her.

 

 

 

Let NYE go. That's a bigger night and may require more teamwork. Maybe go ahead and make reservations someplace, but be prepared to cancel.

[Seymore]

So it's not so much as what we do, it's when and how the idea is presented? I've got ideas about stuff to do, I just tend to bring them out a week in advance, then they become plans. Would it be better if I kept them secret, then said "Let's do this tonight"? Like if we were planning on going to a movie, and I said "Let's do wall climbing at the Y" or something like that?

 

Because I can do that - it's just a matter of zipping my lip when I think about it. And taking care of details in advance is rough - like I said, her life is so helter-skelter we might plan on going to a play Saturday night, but on Friday night it comes up that she has to load her sister's stuff onto a moving van that night. I'm adaptable - I learned this by dealing with her, but her lifestyle doesn't accommodate planning very well.

[keenan]

So it's not so much as what we do, it's when and how the idea is presented? I've got ideas about stuff to do, I just tend to bring them out a week in advance, then they become plans. Would it be better if I kept them secret, then said "Let's do this tonight"? Like if we were planning on going to a movie, and I said "Let's do wall climbing at the Y" or something like that?

 

Because I can do that - it's just a matter of zipping my lip when I think about it.

 

Yep, exactly! It's like when you think of something that you want to buy someone for Christmas or their birthday. You don't rush out and get it and give it to them then. You hold onto the idea then save it for a special time. Think of these as 'spontaneity presents.'

[Seymore]

Will do. Thanks! I need to work on the "Don't ask. Tell" think more, too. This should be interesting. Thanks again!

[keenan]

Glad to help. I like surprises, so my BF has gotten good at this sort of thing. Hope your girlfriend has fun!

[Momene]

I must plan some more time to be spontaneous myself.

[Lana0120]

Seems like you're a little too routine at being spontaneous... and concerned about the score board here. You made a suggestion, she's not that keen on it, so I'd say that you tried. It's a bit frustrating for you that there was no take-up, but you win some, you lose some.

[keenan]

I must plan some more time to be spontaneous myself.

 

I think it's making life feel more spontaneous for others that's the tough part. Illusions of unpredictability can make even plain ol' good guys seem exciting.