The importance of space...

[surfalways85]

Hey all out there,

 

Hope you made it through the day without contacting *that* person- and hope you did it in style

 

Just a funny insight on the whole 'space' thing. I could never do it with my ex boyfriend, I was pretty insecure and never could to be happy alone. Towards the end I was pushing so much and he was trying to pull away. I know that is pretty much what broke us up now that Ive stepped back. Now, 5 months after (for about 3 of those I was calling all the time, crying etc) I know how important it is to give them space. I have been workin on myself and really like being single, but the only person I want is my ex!!!!

 

This all got much clearer when I recently got asked out by a guy I've known for a while. I've never been that attracted to him but went on some dates just to see. We never kissed. It's gotten pretty intense, he is now messaging me every day asking to do something and wanting to know my exact schedule for the next day and constantly aking me to do stuff or if he can come round. I explained I just wanna be friends but he's still not giving me space. I know he might mean well but its turning me off more and more. I can't help it and feel mean but I don't even get a chance to think about him because he's right there contacting me!

 

I know these are completely different scenarios. I know my ex was really attracted to me once, whereas this guy is different. I know I've matured a lot and learned so much from this site and experience in general, and become much more independent in the 5 months after the breakup, so these may be reasons why I need space from this guy. But all the same when you smother someone it leaves no mystery. If your smothering someone please back off while you have the chance! This last situation only made me realise how much I screwed up.

 

Kind of funny how things happen and instantly you learn so much hey. I know for sure that my ex got turned off cos I was always in his face pushing. Normally I'm really laid back but I needed to learn to be secure in a relationship. I know the 3 or 4 months after that breakup (some of which was very LC) he could see I was still clingy whenever I contacted him. I'm tryin to move on and like I said I've learnt heap but with clarity I can see what happened.

 

I'm giving him all the space he wants now after my experience with this dude. But does attraction ever come back just on its own from space? There was a hell of a lot of attraction and chemistry to begin with and now its just gone on his behalf. Can it ever reignite??? We havent seen each other for 5 months, and I have only contacted him once in the last month (but I was still feeling clingy and it was awkward). Have I pushed him away for good? Argh I wish I had experienced this earlier regret is so much worse!!!!

[enchiladaman]

I'm giving him all the space he wants now after my experience with this dude. But does attraction ever come back just on its own from space? There was a hell of a lot of attraction and chemistry to begin with and now its just gone on his behalf. Can it ever reignite??? We havent seen each other for 5 months, and I have only contacted him once in the last month (but I was still feeling clingy and it was awkward). Have I pushed him away for good? Argh I wish I had experienced this earlier regret is so much worse!!!!

 

In my opinion...

 

It all depends on how much love there is. You contacting him trying to reconcile after the breakup is normal. Now you've learned that you need to give it a rest. Give that person time and space. Time to miss you. Time to get rid of the bitterness or resentment they have towards you...and in the end if there is love there it might happen again.

 

It might be a long time, but there is a chance that the love between you will return.

 

And if it doesn't, you'll have time to focus that energy on yourself and become an even better person for that next relationship. As you grow the previous partner will not look quite as attractive because you will grow past them!

 

I got a call a few weeks ago out of the blue from my first love and it was great to hear her. She sounded the same...but I had changed. I was uncomfortable with myself talking to her on the phone. Partly because I wasn't expecting the call, but partly because I had grown and matured and changed and there just wasn't anything we had in common anymore. I had grown away from who I was just a few short years before.

[afrodave]

"But does attraction ever come back just on its own from space?"

 

thanks for posting. I've been wondering the same thing and I am interested to see what people answer to this.

[enchiladaman]

"But does attraction ever come back just on its own from space?"

 

thanks for posting. I've been wondering the same thing and I am interested to see what people answer to this.

 

Attraction? No.

 

Love? Yes.

 

In my opinion.

[emalkoc]

Once the attraction goes away, there is no going back!

 

I still love my ex wife, but no attraction left...So I would not go back to her!

[ycmanvs]

If you are broken up, then you should try to just focus on you and not keep thinking about the chances of getting back together. I am still friends with someone I dated 7 years ago, but for me, there is no physical attraction at all. No contact works because it helps you get over the emotions attached to that relationship. Every time you contact him, you open up the wound again.

[EmilyE]

Great Post...I did the exact same thing by pushing her away. My ex's reason was that she loved me but was not in love w/ me anymore, which I think means she lost attraction, which SUCKS because it sounds like you all think the attraction will never come back.

 

This post is a great reality check, but I just have to say that I hate the fact that yeah, we all made the mistake, but now that we realized what we did, and we know we would not do it again, shouldnt we deserve a second chance? But, I guess we have to live and learn!

[glimmerofhope]

I don't necessarily think the attraction can never come back. They were attracted to you once, and can be again. To have a chance, you just have give them the space they crave (via NC) and, in the meantime, get back to being the person you were when they first fell for you.

 

[NOTE: I AM NOT ADOVCATING CHANGING FOR ANYONE. FOR MANY OF US, WE ALREADY TRIED CHANGING FOR OUR EX, AND IT DIDN'T WORK. I'M TALKING ABOUT UNDOING THE CHANGES YOU MADE THAT PRECIPITATED THE PROBLEMS IN THE RELATIONSHIP BY REDISCOVERING THE PERSON YOU WERE WHEN THEY FIRST BECAME ATTRACTED TO YOU--THE REAL YOU.]

 

There are no guarantees, of course. But this seems like the best shot.

[emalkoc]

I will give you all a lesson!

 

I went back and forth with my ex-wife over 10 years...She and I loved each other very much...No question, even now we love each other but we cannot live together.

 

You can give all the space to someone you love, the LOVE wont go away...ever!

 

The LOVE does not mean you can live together. But the space will give both of you reality check whether you want to live with that person or not.

 

Eric

[thouse]

I will give you all a lesson!

 

I went back and forth with my ex-wife over 10 years...She and I loved each other very much...No question, even now we love each other but we cannot live together.

 

You can give all the space to someone you love, the LOVE wont go away...ever!

 

The LOVE does not mean you can live together. But the space will give both of you reality check whether you want to live with that person or not.

 

Eric

Attraction can be rekindled with a person. If they could be attracted to you once, they can be attracted to you again. It's about getting back that person they first me that they were attracted too.

[husk]

wel my ex said she needed time and sapce to think about moving to my state and me having kids it scared her she loved me and loved our relationship but got to much on her mind. i gave her the space and she has been contacting me alot texting and iming me alot said she miss me and thinks of me but hasnt said anything about getting back. I dont understand why she does this i think if i knew i was finished with someone that i would not want to talk to them and say things that make ya think they still care about u. Puzzles me. But i do see where love can still grow i still love never stopped all i can do is hope she wants to try again. I am about to just striaght out ask her cause if she doesnt want that then we need to just stop talking so i can move on.

[surfalways85]

Thanks guys they are awesome insights. I guess everyone has a different opinion but the main thing running here is giving them space *might* let your ex discover feelings they still had. I'm not exactly sitting here waiting for the phone to ring in fact breaking up is probably one of the best things that happened to me in terms of maturing in relationships and gaining independence and working out what I want in life. I even live out of home now...wow!

 

I hope that my ex comes back, but not yet. I don't wanna still feel painful feelings towards him. AND NC (eventually) HEALS THAT- ON BOTH SIDES. So even if he don't come back it doesn't matter, by then I'll have moved on completely.

 

I agree with you Enchilada man- sometimes they come back and you've grown past them. Last xmas my first boyfriend told me he realised what he lost and he still loved me and did I wanna give things another go. 2 years ago I would have done anything to hear that! But wouldn't be with that guy again... I would with my current ex he's a 'good guy' hehe

 

PS. Sorry this post is so long- but just a thought on 'getting back together'. Yes it can happen, I've seen it, it's rare, but it happens. But the ones that really work are where both parties have healed and thought about the problems that tore them apart, grown and matured. Both are willing to try again fresh- otherwise it becomes one of those on/off relationships.

 

No matter how bad we want our exes back right now (chances are we are still hurting, praying, wishing), we still probably have a long way to go before that MIGHT happen. The way I think about it is get through each day being the person YOU wanna be and eventually all the pain will pass. Then you can maybe rethink things with your ex, but will you want to?????

[EmilyE]

I had a really bad night last night. I have been doing really well the last few days, but last night I found out my ex bought her new "love" an "i love you" necklace for xmas, and it just kinda crushed me. I dont know why considering i already knew they were together, but I guess it makes me realize that they are really serious.

 

I keep telling myself it shouldnt matter what she does in her new relationship, but it still bothers me. The truth is that there were SO many bad things in our relationship that any logical person would see that I SHOULDNT want her back, and if she did come back today, I would be really hesitant, but at the end of the day, I still want her in my arms

 

The agony and irony of it all is so hard to deal w/ sometimes. I just hope sooner than later I will meet someone who will prove to me that this past relationship was so wrong! One day