25, single--I think I'm hopeless

[ElisabethLS]

I'm not sure why I am posting here--in need of comfort, I guess, and sick of dumping it all on my friends and family.

 

I'm 25--soon to be 26. I've never had a boyfriend, never been kissed, let alone anything else. It's been about four years since my last date. I feel completely invisible--lately I've been describing myself as "the best friend, not the leading lady."

 

It's been harder than usual as my younger sister has a boyfriend, who's a Jack Sparrow impersonator. I'm 25 and I've never had one, and now I'm forced to watch my sister get red roses and go out on dates with hers.

 

I've been working since I was 15, I went to college, I've gone to bars, clubs and parties. And nothing ever happens. It's like I am invisible.

 

I'm outgoing, smart and funny. Guys (friends of me or my sister) tell me I am pretty--they all call me Lara Croft due to a Halloween costume I wore, and because they claim I'm just like her. I don't know if I believe I'm that hot, but I know I'm not repulsive. I've got an average body, but again..several guys have told me I look good. I'm built (not like Lara) but like Keira Knightley.

 

I've been told by total strangers that I lack self confidence--but the odd thing is, there are times I walk out of the house and exude it, think "I look good, check me out world!" it's like guys and girls smell it on me and I will be verbally abused. It's like I am not allowed to feel good about myself, someone immediately has to knock me down. That in turn makes me think I "reached above my station" and that I do need to keep my head down more. I don't know.

 

I guess the best example of that was this past summer, when a former Hollywood costumer knocked me out a copy of one of Queen Gorgo's dresses from 300. The whole time he was making it, he was raving about how I was his perfect Barbie doll, with perfect measurements, who would look good in anything he made. And so, I walked around in public, half-naked and leather-strapped on two occasions--San Diego ComicCon and this Halloween. Everyone, male and female, said "oh wow, you look great, guys are going to be falling all over you." Photos of me ended up in a magazine and possibly in a book...but guys wanted nothing to do with me. On Halloween, I was even snubbed in favor of Jack Sparrow. Men would talk to Jack Sparrow, then focus vaguely on the spot above my head, and then turn to my sister and compliment her. It wasn’t that I garnered repulsion or confusion as to what my costume was. That I could understand. I was simply invisible. They honestly didn’t see me. And that was worse than being called fat or ugly. (Which, incidentally, two women called me on the single occasion that a guy in their presense complimented me.)

 

It doesn't help that I've had nothing but really bad luck with guys. The last date I was on was from link removed. I knew right away that I was a disappointment to the guy, and the whole evening was just painful. He ditched me as soon as he could. I didn't even get to finish my dinner. The hardest part was, I wasn't even looking--I had abandoned the link removed profile, and the only reason I had logged in was at my sister's request to go look at hers! So it "reactivated" me, he found me and promptly threw me away. So much for "love comes when you don't look for it."

 

This past summer, I met a guy who I was attracted to--and he was attracted to me. He flirted with me really heavily, asked me out to the Highlands Festival...and then promptly picked another girl and told me off. He even took her to the festival instead of me. So not only have I not gone on a date in years, the first I'm offered actually gets rescinded.

 

I just don't understand. I just end up utterly crushed by every guy I encounter--where any other girl would end up with a phone number or a date, I just end up being brutally insulted. It seems like when I'm *not* looking, a guy finds me, picks me up, only to totally hurt me. I don't know how I am supposed to maintain any self-confidence, or put myself out there, when it's never rewarded.

 

It's gotten to the point that even my hairstylist doesn't ask me if I'm dating anyone--she asks if my sister is still dating Jack Sparrow! Even my mom, who was always telling me I'd meet someone to make all the horrible, empty years go away has given up on me. Sort of a "Well, eventually I'll have to stop cooking Thanksgiving--your sister will be gone and there's no point in cooking for us three."

 

I was told it was just the city I lived in...but I've spent weeks in San Diego, Austin and London with the same result--invisibility and insults. Guys flirt with my friends, they flirt with my sister. If they flirt with me, the moment I leave the room, they're asking whatever girl I'm with out. I'm just the "best friend" they have to get rid of first.

 

I'm just getting so desperate. I'm very lonely and I'm tired of not feeling worthy of a relationship--I know I am, but it's like swimming upstream to maintain that feeling. I just want to be loved, and better yet, to have someone TO love. I don't understand why it has to be so hard, and what is wrong with me that it all goes so very badly. Now I feel like I've hit the total freak zone--no one is going to want me because no one ever has. At this point, I'm not even looking. I have the distinct impression that it's completely over for me and nothing kills me more. I've gotten everything I wanted from life (I even met Gerard Butler for heaven's sake!) but a love affair...and it seems the one thing I'm destined never to have.

 

I don't know what I'm looking for here...sympathy and assurance maybe. I don't know. Or maybe confirmation it's as bad as I feared and that I'm getting picked on for a reason?

[arwen]

Hey girl, welcome to ENA

 

It must be really hard to be in your shoes- people like to match make, and even if we live in a world where the amount of singles (in all age-categories) is growing, being IN a relationships is the default. I won't pretend I can totally relate to your situation, I have been in relationships since I was 19. But my sister, also 26, has never been in one and describes the same thing you do. I don't know what else to tell her than what you also keep on hearing I guess- that some day the right man will come.

 

Just keep in mind... don't think that this is you "destiny". This will only make it a self-fulfilling prophecy. Yes, most people our age have been or are involved in relationships. However, MOST of those have also had to start all over again after a painful break up at least once in their lives, some have been in troubled relationships for most of that time.

 

I know you are looking for love, to be loved, to love someone- all of us are and I hope that you will find it very soon! You are not unlovable or being picked on. You may attract shy people who never had the guts sofar to approach you, or you may simply be moving in circles where the interesting men are already in relationships, or ... not easily feel attracted to someone or be attracted to guys that confirm your feeling that you are destined to end up hurt. It may sound strange, but it happens!

 

I hope this helped a bit,

 

Arwen

[Jeffrey2095]

Hi ElisabethLS, and welcome to ENA,

 

First let me say that I am sorry to hear your circumstances, and also agree with Arwen about not letting it become a "self-fulfilling" prophesy.

 

Let me also say that I can definitely relate to your story.

 

I am 46, and just recently even considered going back to the dating scene... why so long?

 

Rejection... just like you.

 

I guess I had only had about three relationships up until that time, each for only a year or two, and each more or less a disaster.

 

For years (15) I sat in idle, tired of being put down so someone else could feel bigger

 

I think you know a bunch of people who ironically, suffer from low self esteem, yep.

 

They must take the easy way, instead of doing the work to build themselves as a person, they take the lazy way and cut you down. I mean, you are not going to be put down by your inferiors... see?

 

That's how this works.

 

I bet you many of these folks are carrying around a facad, and are not as cool as they appear, and don't feel that way deep inside either...

 

What do you think about that, to start with?

 

Jeff

[iloveyoumorethanyouknow]

hey.. e-mail me at email removed I'll talk to you through there.. maybe i can help.. =)

[Edak]

Hey Elisabeth, I'm not going to offer any advice because I don't think there's any I could give worth while. I remember hearing somewhere, a quote if you will, that was very close to; "When girls talk they are not always looking for an answer they just want to talk." Well I'm here to say I've read your story and I'm here for you From what you've described I'd say you're just really on a streak of bad luck and I really hope it all turns around for you! I'm 18 and very decent and I've yet to have anything I'd call a "girlfriend". So again good luck to ya! Much Love~!

 

-Kade

[ElisabethLS]

Thanks for the kind replies.

 

I do try to tell myself that it's jealousy (although I don't think there's much to be jealous of! Except maybe the Gerard Butler thing, lol.) that people attack me so much.

 

My other fear, besides the cruelty, is how many sickos I attract. It never fails that if a guy is attracted to me, he's usually twisted. It's truly scary how many stalkers I've attracted over the years.

 

I veer between having to hide from guys who are "in love" with me to crying in bed over the ones who have snubbed me.

 

It's hard to know if I'm just having bad luck or if it's just my life...or if it's something I'm doing...or the way I look. And all the while trying, as you guys have pointed out, NOT to make it all a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

The other thing I hear besides that I have no self-confidence is that I'm intimidating. Others tell me my standards are too high, which I don't get as there aren't even any guys for me to reject. (Except the stalkers and I don't know...I think that's valid!)

 

I think one of the most backhanded compliments I received was that I was "a real lady, who a guy had to work hard to impress." That sounded great until I heard the version he told our mutual acquaintances which was "you'd have to date her for years until you got anywhere." Basically, that I was an ice princess. And that's not true at all...but I would expect a guy to treat me like a gentleman, make a little effort. Flowers, maybe...sheesh.

 

That's been the hardest part, really...I watch guys fall all over other girls to win their affection. And any guy who's admitted to "I think you're real pretty" just thought I should be grateful enough to fall into bed with him, and then slapped me with the ice princess label when I didn't. That's why I end up feeling so unworthy--if they're not actively insulting me, they are insinuating that I'm not worth a pursuit.

[Jeffrey2095]

Those guys aren't worth the effort.^

 

Unless you want a shallow, self-centered boyfriend which I don't think you do.

 

Maybe they are confusing high standards with not being "easy", you know.

 

Think of the truly brilliant people throughout history, so many lived a life, unfullfilled, Van Gogh being an obvious example.

 

DON'T let these superficial people define you, you lose that, and you will never be comfortable.

 

My advice...

 

Go to a new place, find a new crowd...

 

It sounds as though these people will spoil things for you anyway.

 

I am sad to say, that MOST of my friends have turned out to be shallow too, just human nature.

 

But NOT universal.

 

Jeffr

[CrazyKing]

Would you be happier if you had accidently found some guy at a club, became pregnant & blame yourself for the rest of your life???

 

Such girls have ruined their lives, be happy for still having the chance to find real love... Just change your attitude and don't be sad about not having someone because such thoughts are like barriers...

[enterthepain]

I feel all of your pain, I really do. Im 21 years old and girls have been treating me like garbage since day one. I ask myself so much, what did i do to make them leave me, cheat on me, poke fun at me, and the answer is simple, im just the right person to take advantage of. I hate that fact and ive tried to give in to it, but i hate it so, so much. My last girlfriend called me on new years eve 06' and instead of telling me shes on her way, she told me she's with her new boyfriend, and although i cried so much, my tears didnt matter, and her apologies didnt either. Why would she even apologize for making my new years and the rest to follow absolutely horrible, ill never know, but i do kno that i feel i will never be able to mend my heart again. All the alcohol and drugs in the world will never make the pain go away, and i have just sunken even further from myself by doing so. Know drug free but not alcohol free(dont drink nearly as much as i used to), i just keep to myself and watch girls smile at me, talk to me, and i just walk away from what could be happiness because this feeling you cant escape called heartbreak, is always not too far behind, and its a * * * * ty thing to deal with. If you could do one thing for me, if you ever cry, think of me and what ive said, because im crying with you elisabeth, im crying right with you, and the way you describe yourself, you sound like a really cool person, and its completely awesome that you are into 300 its one of my favorite movies of all time, gerard butler was awesome in it as he was in cradle of life, and its also pretty cool you got a lara croft thing going on, when i was younger if there was one girl video game character to bring to life, it definitely was her, hands down..haha. Anyway, it would be easy to tell you to dry your eyes, but i cant even do that myself, what i can tell you to do, is give a smile, even if weak, just smile..and ill do the same for you. Hang in there, maybe we'll find ours someday in the future...take care of yourself

[ghost69]

once you find someone to be with forever and you are in love, all of this is bogus and irrelevant. everyone feels alone like they will never find somebody at some point.

[bulletproof]

Would you consider yourself a friendly person? Are you very serious or do you joke around when you meet guys? Have you considered establishing friendships with guys to become more comfortable with them as opposed to looking solely for a relationship? I'm curious to see where the 'ice princess' assessment stems from.

 

Also, maybe you want to revisit internet dating if for no other reason to give you practice with dating. Even if the dates don't always go well (which they don't often, for many people, not just for you) it is still a learning experience.

[surfNski]

Elisabeth, I can really relate to your story. I get told constantly what an amazing catch I am and how any girl would be lucky to have me in her life but here I sit single. I have been single for the past year and although I have gone on a few dates I feel like I have come to the end of the road. Sometimes I feel like all my chances are long past and that I failed in finding a partner.

 

But thankfully I don't feel like that every day, I know that at times I am just feeling down. So I try to use that pain to motivate me to continue to work on things about my self that I want to change. It will get better, I will find love again..

 

I moved to Hawaii from Denver but if I still lived there I would be honored to have the opportunity to take you out

 

good luck

[Blue Dreamer]

As the above posted said, you are not hopeless. You sound like you could be a good catch. Truth is, you are only hopeless if you allow yourself to be hopeless, period.

 

It all comes down to how you perceive yourself, always. If you feel sorry for yourself, as you are right now, that will be noticed by those you encounter.

 

On the other hand, If you work to feel positive about yourself, that will also be noticed by those you encounter. Like attracts like, always. Take care.

 

Shiznit

[ElisabethLS]

Would you consider yourself a friendly person? Are you very serious or do you joke around when you meet guys? Have you considered establishing friendships with guys to become more comfortable with them as opposed to looking solely for a relationship? I'm curious to see where the 'ice princess' assessment stems from.

 

Also, maybe you want to revisit internet dating if for no other reason to give you practice with dating. Even if the dates don't always go well (which they don't often, for many people, not just for you) it is still a learning experience.

 

I would consider myself a friendly person, yeah. I know I have a rather "haughty" look to me so I have usually gone out of my way to smile and be outgoing. I'm not a cold person by nature at all and I don't take anything very seriously.

 

In fact, all of my friends are guys. I only have one real girlfriend and she lives out of state. I've always gotten along better with men over women, largely because of my interests--I'm pretty geeky, I'm the sort of girl who will spend hours talking about movies, books or comics. I could even name drop as I've got some well known "fanboy" friends but that's irrelevant.

 

They're the ones telling me that no, I really am attractive and a catch--geek guys dream girl and all that. But I suspect it's all because they're taken, faced with the possibility of dating me, they run.

 

I used to think it was because they considered me "one of the guys" but then they are collecting photos of me in my Croft outfit. Am I just a fantasy object?

 

So, that's my answer in a roundabout fashion. I guess, to add to the "ice princess" story, it was a guy online who I was friends with, but who had also admitted having feelings for me. This came out of blue--we posted on the same movie board but I had never really spoken to him. We did fall to talking and I genuinely enjoyed having him as a friend, but I didn't feel anything other than friendship...and it honestly seemed that his earlier feelings waned. We ended up meeting in person after both being invited to a film festival. We even exchanged presents, but there was no spark. Just two friends meeting up to watch a ton of movies. He never even attempted to take me on "a date" in the four days we spent together.

 

To make a long story short, he returned to England, and met up with other board members who all wanted to know what I was like. That's the reply he gave them. I still don't understand it.

 

I know I have problems trusting people, but that's because I've gotten hurt so many times. A guy would have to work hard to impress me, because every one who has ever expressed interest ended up intentionally hurting me. And I can say Film Guy was no exception--after a period of post-festival "loved meeting you, great time" he stopped speaking to me. (I'd say it was some broken heart, but he honestly stopped speaking to just about everyone we knew.) He made no move to meet up with me when I went to England, then pretended I had avoided him. Now it turns out he's got a girlfriend. So it's just another example of a guy "liking" me, but then turning out to be a useless friend and a total jerk.

[ElisabethLS]

As the above posted said, you are not hopeless. You sound like you could be a good catch. Truth is, you are only hopeless if you allow yourself to be hopeless, period.

 

It all comes down to how you perceive yourself, always. If you feel sorry for yourself, as you are right now, that will be noticed by those you encounter.

 

On the other hand, If you work to feel positive about yourself, that will also be noticed by those you encounter. Like attracts like, always. Take care.

 

Shiznit

 

Then how is it that when I perceive myself as smart and attractive, a man often turns around and insults me?

 

I don't know how I'm supposed to be pleased when, after flirting back and forth with an eligible guy, I'm told it "sucks to be you" and left watching as he goes with another girl.

 

But then if "like attracts like" I must be cruel and attracting cruelty?

[Poe]

Elisabeth, sounds like you're an attractive girl with a good head on your shoulders. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. Sometimes you get a winner, sometimes you get a loser. You just have to try your best. Get to a gym or buy some fancy clothes or something. It doesn't sound like you need it from what you are telling me, but every bit at self-improvement always helps.

 

Rejection and tough times comes with playing the game. Guys tend to get it ALOT worse than girls, so don't let a few losers spoil your attitude.

 

When I go out, I go to have a good time. Not to meet girls. Not to get phone numbers. Not to have sex. I think adopting the same or similar attitude might help, because there is no reason your self-confidence should depend upon your success or failure with guys. Just go out and have fun, realize you are who you are regardless of what happens... and have fun with it. Let the guys line up for you, let them try to impress you, and only accept the very best.

 

Trust me, I'm a guy... that's what we are bred for.

[CrazyKing]

Then how is it that when I perceive myself as smart and attractive, a man often turns around and insults me?

 

I don't know how I'm supposed to be pleased when, after flirting back and forth with an eligible guy, I'm told it "sucks to be you" and left watching as he goes with another girl.

 

But then if "like attracts like" I must be cruel and attracting cruelty?

You get back 10 times what you've done to the others - maybe you're thinking the same way about other people...

[Gath]

Then how is it that when I perceive myself as smart and attractive, a man often turns around and insults me?

 

I don't know how I'm supposed to be pleased when, after flirting back and forth with an eligible guy, I'm told it "sucks to be you" and left watching as he goes with another girl.

 

But then if "like attracts like" I must be cruel and attracting cruelty?

 

Actually, from the sound of things, you're suffering from the effects of jerk syndrome.

 

Think of it like this, every guy has a "confidence" rating that is effected by his intelligence and his courage. The smarter we are, the less confident we tend to be because we're more aware of our weaknesses, the higher our intelligence the more we're limited by our base courage. But a low intelligence will *increase* our confidence score because we're not aware of them. Basically the following formula with courage and intelligence values varying from .01 to 1.

 

Confidence = Courage/Intelligence

 

Intelligence and courage are independent, but most guys tend to end up balanced. For a normal guy, an extremely beautiful woman, especially a smart and successful beautiful woman, will come off as too high of a score for him and he won't even attempt it. However, jerks with low intelligence scores will boost their confidence, so basically the only guys who will ask a beautiful successful woman out, are either dumb jerks or the small variety of highly intelligent and highly courageous men.

 

In short. . . its not you, its just us men.

[ElisabethLS]

You get back 10 times what you've done to the others - maybe you're thinking the same way about other people...

 

Nice, I even manage to be insulted in my own help thread.

 

Yes, indeed, I make a point of telling at least one guy he's an unattractive loser. Good lord.

[ElisabethLS]

This actually makes so much sense. No one has ever really described it that way except something like "oh, you're really intimidating," which doesn't explain the stalkers and jerks. Why is it they thought I was some kind of easy catch, but the nice guys were scared off?

 

So this actually is the most sensible thing I've heard. Thank you.

[dtgrl812]

don't feel bad. when i was 26 i finally entered my first (and current) "serious" relationship. Before that there was hardly anything. You know what? it was totally worth it!!! I know you have probably heard this before.... but quit looking for it.... it kind of creaps up on its own and is worth the wait. Oh yeah.... and be yourself, know it sounds cliche; but that one is true too!!

[Gath]

This actually makes so much sense. No one has ever really described it that way except something like "oh, you're really intimidating," which doesn't explain the stalkers and jerks. Why is it they thought I was some kind of easy catch, but the nice guys were scared off?

 

So this actually is the most sensible thing I've heard. Thank you.

 

You're welcome, and remember, it isn't you being intimidating, you're just being you and thats fine. Its just that there's fewer guys these days with a high enough courage rating to feel that they're up to asking you out.

 

keep yourself out there and stay true to yourself, and eventually you'll find a good guy. You just gotta weed out all the weak ones to find the good one.

[KAT MOMMY]

I just want to say-the way you view yourself is the way the world sees you. The way you look at the world is the same way the world looks back at you. Also body language is silent and sometimes it can be very off putting. i think that you are not allowing your personality to show and guys may just think that you are pretty and that's all. Trust me it takes much, much, much more than being pretty, and having awesome sex.