Darn! I Got Emotional and Acted Jealous.

[SinfullySweet]

My ex and I are best friends and we still have feelings for each other. We live in different states, but talk daily and make a point of visiting each other. I'm usually able to be cool about us and keep my emotions in check, but this weekend I really lost it. I kept crying and (it rhymes with witch)ing and talking about "us." Basically, we go on dates and hook up when we're together. Originally, all I wanted was to know that he still had feeling for me, but after he said that I kept going. I was really insane. I'd try not to cry, but the tears just kept flowing. I never cry in front of people! I'd get all embarrassed and not want to talk about why I was crying then I'd eventually crack and talk about getting back together. He said that he still has feelings for me, I'm the most important person in his life, we talk everyday, we have pet names, when we're together we date, but nothing has changed since our breakup so he doesn't think it's a good idea to get back together... there is even more distance between us now than when we were together. I agree that right now we won't work. I want us to live near each other and give it a real shot. He says my school is important and he wouldn't want to ask me to move to be with him just to try to make it work. I asked him if he'd want to get back together if distance weren't an issue... he says he doesn't want to get into "what ifs." There is a chance we might both be moving to the same place in a few months.

 

Things were going really well before this weekend. I knew he liked me. He wasn't dating anyone. I wanted to just be cool and see where things went, but I freaked out. How do I fix the damage I did this weekend? He called earlier and we talked for a bit. When I aplogized for the crying he said, "It's fine. If you keep bringing it up... just stop." I wish I could take back yesterday. I don't like being that pathetic, love-struck, crying, clingy, jealous girl that I was this weekend.

[glazgo]

i would just leave it be. don't bring it up again and pretend it didn't happen. move along as you would have if this never happened. if you keep apologizing it propagates the needy girl image you are trying to dispel.

[Hope75]

Ah, the blurry line of acting like bf and gf when you aren't is never an easy place to be.

 

I wonder if you can't get past this because you are still sleeping with him and dating him despite the fact that he isn't interested in a commitment with you.

 

Tell me, are you doing all this because you are happy with the way things are and accept that?

 

Or is it out of hope that he will come around and want more?

 

Or is it that you just can't let go of what little semblance of a relationship is left?

 

Hon, if he doesn't want to get back together and isn't willing to even entertain the possibility in the future when you move closer together, I think you are doing more damage to yourself by hanging around, 'dating him' and hooking up with him, knowing he does not want you as his gf.

 

Unless of course, you are OK with it, which by your post I can see pretty clearly that you are not and that you want more.

 

As hard as it may be, you need to cut ties and stop allowing yourself to be physically and emotionally involved with him, unless he has a sudden change of heart and wants to try to work things out.

 

Giving him the best of you without him being willing to put in the real work and effort that's involved in a relationship is shortchanging yourself and I think you know that you want and deserve more.

[SinfullySweet]

It's true I am still holding onto hopes that we'll get back together. He is considering moving (we both are) and I think if we lived near each other we would get back together. I would hate to lose him as a friend. He really is the only person I trust. I don't even call him - he calls me every single day! When we're together he does cute things like has our picture taken with Santa and brings me hot chocolate with extra whipped cream in bed. I know what he's getting me for Christmas - a teddy bear I've wanted and a necklace from Tiffanys. He does put in effort. Other than his parents I'm the only one he's even getting a Christmas present for. I know he cares a lot about me and he does have feelings for me. We're both in school in different states so that adds more complication to things. I'm dating other people and even though he isn't right now... I'm worried he'll fall for someone else. I think I'm OK with things as they are at the moment, but I know that they won't last forever. I feel like I should wait until January and see if the move happens before I make any decisions on "us." I know that I can't hold on to this forever, but I can't let go of my best friend and the man I love without giving it a chance to work. I don't really want to get back together right now... I want us to live near each other and get back together.

 

Am I just being stupid?

[volpe]

what hope is saying is true.

 

honey, my last boyfriend called me multiple times a day every day. he was there but he wasn't. i mean, he was a mess but my point is that just cause he calls you every day and buys you a christmas present doesn't mean that it's right.

 

i think that the important thing is you evaluate what is going on NOW, not what might be in the future. if you are not feeling good about it (and for good reason- there's nothing wrong with you) you really need to follow that. it sounds like he is not making any commitments to even entertaining the idea of getting together with you when you are in the same town and to be honest that is unsettling.

 

i hope i'm wrong, but it sounds like he is not that into you or else he would be making an effort. maybe now he is taking you for granted? intimacy and passion but no commitment..... this can't possibly last. it never does. no commitment = no relationship for very long...

[Hope75]

I think the biggest thing you need to pay attention to is the fact that he has told you he does not want a relationship with you and isn't willing to talk about it. And why should he? He's getting all the perks of a relationship without any of the commitment.

 

From your posts I don't get the feeling that you are really OK with just being a booty call and a friend- because you love him and want to be with him. I would agree with you in letting things play out and seeing where they go if he were saying that he wanted to work things out but to take it slow, and if he were willing to talk about it. But the fact that he is not makes me think he will just take advantage of the situation until something better comes along and then he will drop you like a hot rock.

[SinfullySweet]

He never pushes me to hook up. He gets annoyed if he thinks I'm teasing him, but he's always ok with just holding me all night. It's definitely not a booty call. In fact one of the big reasons we aren't together is that I'm waiting until marriage to go all the way. He's not a virgin nor did her ever have any desire to date one. He doesn't want me to compromise my morals to make him happy, but he also doesn't think we're in the right place in our lives for marriage. He says if we both move it would be best for us to move in together, but if we don't know we're going to work and we aren't having sex then it really isn't a good idea.

 

His moving is dependant on people other than himself and my moving is also. He said if we lived near each other he'd probably want to get back together, but he doesn't want to get into "what ifs" because we don't know if that's going to happen and even if we did there are still issues. He says that whatever we have is obviously strong since we've talked everyday for a year even with distance and breaking up.

[JadedStar]

You should stop this connecting with him. It is going to drive you crazy hon!

 

You are torturing yourself. There is a very good reason why people do no contact - SELF PRESERVATION.

 

It is the best way to keep yourself from having to reduce to tears like this and feeling like your gut is being cut up.

[Hope75]

In fact one of the big reasons we aren't together is that I'm waiting until marriage to go all the way. He's not a virgin nor did her ever have any desire to date one. He doesn't want me to compromise my morals to make him happy, but he also doesn't think we're in the right place in our lives for marriage.

 

This to me sounds like a death sentence to the relationship which is probably why he broke up with you.

 

You may feel the relationship is 'strong', but how strong can it be if he doesn't want to be with you?

 

Somehow I don't think you would have posted here if you were happy with the way things were.

 

Are you really looking for advice, or are you only looking for validation to a decision that you've already made, which is to wait around hoping that he'll take you back?

[SinfullySweet]

Hope, you're right I guess I was just looking for validation. After reading these posts I've realized that I'm refusing to see the truth. His friends tell me he has feeling for me and I know he does, but if they aren't strong enough for him to try to make us work then I can't hang on. His best friend and I are going snowboarding in a couple of weeks (his gf and my ex may or may not come), my ex is visiting for Christmas, and we have New Years Eve plans. Since I really enjoy being with him I'm going to enjoy these next few weeks, but after New Years I will tell him that we either are going to try to make it work or I can't talk to him anymore. At least at that time I'll be home for the holidays and so will my closest friends. If I'm going to go NC with him I'll need a lot of support.

 

I know that you all are right. It's just hard for me to accept that the guy who calls me every day/night, holds me, and tells me I'm beautiful doesn't want to be with me.

[JadedStar]

HOn, almost every person on earth has SOME feelings for an ex, even if they are the one who broke up.

 

Caring about someone does not mean you are on your way to a relatinship. I care about my ex husband. We were together a long time, i wish him well. Even tho during the divorce he acted like a total and utter jack a$$ i still dont' wish him harm and would help him if i really felt he had no where else to go.

 

Does this mean i'd want anythign in the future with him? NO it does not. We are over.

 

I think your ex probably will always care about you in some ways, but not enough to take it to another level. You are letting some caring and concern make you think that you might get back together. This is not healthy thinking. You need to let him go. Why would he let you go? YOu are satisfying his needs for a friend right now, he is not the one whose heart is being ripped out.

[Hope75]

Of course it's hard to accept. He is giving you some pretty confusing signals, but despite all that he's remained firm on the fact that he doesn't want to be with you. That's a hard pill to swallow for anyone.

 

I think that if you aren't firm with him and clear about what you want, he could continue to drag you along until something brighter catches his eye, and his insurance will be "but I told you we are not bf/gf and I didn't want to be with you."

 

There is a good chance that by calling his bluff you will lose him completely- he's getting what he wants from this but not taking into consideration what you want or what's fair to you. There is also a chance that with some time apart he may realize he does want to be with you.

 

But I think to allow him to confuse you as he is is just going to continue your anxiety and heartache until, ultimately, it ends either because you can't handle it anymore or he finds someone else or decides to be completely on his own.

[SinfullySweet]

So while my ex and I have been broken up I've been dating other guys. There is one in particular I've been getting closer too and I think he is ready for things to get more serious. He knows my ex and I are friends and that I spent last weekend with in a hotel with my ex. He wants to take me to a resort/spa this weekend. I like him, but I need to work things out with my ex so that he doesn't feel taken adavantage of.

 

Today I talked to my ex and basically told him that I like this other guy and I know this other guy wants a relationship with me. I don't want to play with anyone's feelings and I've tried to be upfront with everyone. I told my ex that I think that even though we still have distance the point is that we live in different states and have been broken up for five months... we still talk daily, cuddle, hookup, visit, care about each other, and have feelings for each other. If after five months we still haven't really moved on I think it's worth giving us another try. I told him I want to get back together for the holidays and re-evaluate in January when we know if we're moving. He asked if I thought it would be even harder on me if things didn't work again and I had lost him and the other guy. He was getting lunch when we talked so he told me he would call me back after work to talk more.

 

What did I just do?! I'm just one of those people who has to talk about everything. I really want to spend the holidays with HIM. He's always talking about how if we get back together we'll want to move in together and get married and how we both have more school and how he can't support my lifestyle. I don't want him to tell me what's best for me! I want to talk about US!

[Hope75]

I'm not sure what you are upset about?

 

He seems willing to give you the commitment you crave.

 

Why don't you think it will work?

 

What do you mean he can't support your lifestyle?

[SinfullySweet]

I think it will work, but he didn't really give me an answer. He didn't really say much except that he will talk to me more when he gets off work in a few hours.

 

I live a very comfortable lifestyle. He always jumps ahead of things. The other guys I've dated have either come from wealth or been independently wealthy. As much as I enjoy being spoiled, I would much rather be with a man I love. Wealth has never been much of an issue for me and is only seen as an added bonus not a requirement or something I look for. I know that if we got married right now as students (he is a bit lazy and probably won't finish school for years) he wouldn't be able to support me the same way that my dad and grandpa do... who cares? First, IF we were to get married my parents wouldn't cut me off, but instead would probably help put a down payment on a condo or something. That really isn't an issue in my mind right now. If I wanted a guy to support me financially I wouldn't have dated him in the first place. I like that he supports me emotionally and makes me a happy in whatever I do.

[SinfullySweet]

Owwww.... he said no! He can't commit. We still don't live near each other. We still aren't having sex. He wants to be there for me, but he can't be there that way right now. It's not the right time. Blah blah blah...

 

He's attracted to me. He has feelings for me. He cares about me. Blah blah blah...

 

He's sorry. He doesn't want to hurt me. He's so sorry. He feels so bad. Blah blah blah...