He Cheated with his ex last year...how do I move past it after taking him back???

[Fruitfull1]

Here's some insight on the subject:

 

1st part:

Last year 2 days before mothers day, my boyfriend said he was going to NYC to a basketball game with a couple of his male friends and they were going to stay until Tuesday. Well I was NOT happy about it at all. I said to him it's mother's day weekend and not to mention I was pregnant and misscarried with our first baby the wednesday just before mothers day weekend. That friday is when he wanted to go to the basketball game in NY. Mothers day was that Sunday. ANYWHO, I was infuriated at how selfishly he was acting. He didn't even think to invite me or even give a thought about his own mom and celebrating with her atleast. I WAS HEATED! He insisted that he was going and that he couldn't get a refund for the tickets. We had an argument that friday night and he stormed out and I didn't see or hear from him until 5 DAYS LATER!!!! He pulled the old *start an argument* move so he could feel good about what he was getting ready to do to me. I called him for 5 days and he had BOTH his cell phones turned off all the while I am at home recovering from a misscarriage with our baby on Mother's day weekend. He did not even think to call me or check on me....NOTHING! I called his mom and dad and they both said he had called them while he was away. I WAS INFURIATED!!!

 

2nd part:

 

When he came back (5 days later) I FLIPPED OUT on him! I was so ANGRY! He appologized saying he was upset by our argument and needed to clear his mind from the *drama*..lol! So I tell him if he ever treats me like that again I'm leaving him for good! He knows I will so he did everything in his power to keep me. Yes we made up (me being the trusting g/f I am), I believed his whole NYC trip *story* and how he was upset by the argument...yadda yadda yadda..... So a month later, one of his closest friends knocks on the door and asks him to take him to pick up his car, so my b/f did. In a rush my b/f left the house without his cell phone(s). While my b/f was gone his phones were ringing off the hook! There were text messeges coming through and everything....from his ex! One of the messeges read "so thats how it is? U get what u want and thats it? I know you are with her (meaning me), and thats why u are ignoring me and not answering my calls!!! U are the devil and God don't like ugly! What goes around comes around!" I read the text messeges and I even answered the phones. Her and I got into a HUGE argument which consisted of me telling her he's not EVER going to leave me for her and that if he wanted to really be with her he would be living with her and not me etc...etc... I then hang up on her and she keeps calling back....I am enraged at this point. So I answer the phone again and said "Look! I am not mad at u. It's him! He's the one lying and telling u things about me and telling me things about u so why are we arguing???" She then calmed down and was amazed at my level of maturity...she's 30 and I'm 24. So we talked like women and thats when she told me EVERYTHING!!! She told me that the previous month (may) mothers day weekend he was in California with her. She told me ALL the details and I just instinctively knew she was not lying because I could feel it in my heart that she was being brutally truthful! She said she thought it was funny how he was keeping his cell phones turned off and how he slept alot and that they did have sex and that she had a dream that someone was pregnant the day after he arrived. She didn't know about my misscarriage until I told her right after she mentioned she had that dream. She said "I KNEW IT"...lol! Anyway she told me how he was saying he was tired of me and wanted to leave me and that it was over between us and that he only let me stay with him because I had no place to go....blah blah blah. So I in turn told her everything he told me about her. He said she is crazy and needs psychological help and that her mom was crazy and she inherited the trait of being schitzophrenic and he only remained friends with her because he felt bad for her and she didn't have no one but her dad. He had me feeling bad for her...lol! Anywho so he basically played me and her against eachother. By the time he came back home from taking his friend where he needed to go, I had the OW on MY cell phone so he would think I was talking to my bff. I let her hear him talking to me and proved to her that we are really together and that he has no intention on leaving me, EVER! When he came in he was like "hey baby" and talkin to me all sweet like he usually does...lol! The ex was INFURIATED! She could not believe it! She was telling me (while he was talking to me) that he is a dog and that she is through with him...lol! She appologized for not believing me about us being still being in a relationship. The ex knew about me the whole time....she turned out to be a hoe because she knew about me and reguardless of what he told her about me, he included that we were still living together and that should have sent red flags all in her face.

 

3rd part:

 

After I found out that he was not in NYC and he was in cali with her, I LEFT HIM! I left him the next day! He had no idea why! I wasn't answering his calls, he came knockin on my door and I didn't answer. He then found out why I left and that I knew what happened. He called my mom and talked to her EVERY DAY so she would call me and persuade me to talk to him. He told my mom EVERYTHING he had done to me through out our 2 yrs (at the time) relationship. I thought to myself (after I talked to my mom about it) WOW he had a death wish...lol! My mom is very protective of me, she could have killed him over that stuff. My mom is puertorican and from NYC.....she does not play when it comes to her children! She is very rough around the edges and she loves hard! I guess she felt his sincerity in how sorry he was and she listened to him explain. My mom has a gift for detecting BS. She has been right about every guy I dated. She adores him for telling the truth. I took him back because he did finally OWN UP to his mistakes. He told me the entire truth. So I said ok lets give him a second chance. I moved back in and here we are in our 3rd year together and expecting a baby girl any day now.

 

My Question:

 

How do I cope with the fact he cheated on me with his ex considering the way he did it was so brutal? How can I stop constantly feeling like he's doing something sneaky like talking to his ex on the phone and via e-mail? I don't like feeling like that majority of the time he is out with his friends he is getting or giving out phone numbers and flirting with other women. I forgive him but how can I erase the pain and memories of what I felt last year? Is once a cheater always a cheater?

[yeawutever]

I feel for you, had it been done on me there would be no second chances, kids or no kids I would leave him and my mother like yours would have want to kill him (like yours, mines is also protective when it comes to getting my feelings hurt or being made a fool). One way to rebuilt trust would be through couple counseling.

Has he told you why he cheated in the first place?

If you're taking him back, do be careful, who's to tell if he's gonna do it again. Do always keep one eye open.

[Snoopy24]

Hey

 

My I have been with my boyfriend for a year in February. The first two MONTHS he cheated on me with his ex. It happened 3 times.

 

She is the one that told me in June.

 

When we fight, that is pretty much what we fight about. I'm not sure if I will forgive him. I try so hard, but it's always in my head. Even after this long.

 

I love him so much and that is why I am still here. I know he doesn't speak with her anymore. I talked to her several times and even git details(which probably doesn't help)

 

I see him everyday. I know all his passwords to his email. I know they don't talk anymore. ..but do I trust him? Nope.

 

When someone betrays you..it takes a LONG time to get past it. You just need to figure out if he is worth it. I know my boyfriend is and I am trying as hard as I possibly can. That is all you can do. It's hard. The first thing you need to do, is forgive him. Not for him. But for yourself.

[House of Taboo]

Taking them back after they have been unfaithful is already one issue, and then gaining that trust back is another issue. Most of the time I feel as if we as females never truly forgive. It's like you will always deal with the memory and the pain so even if it does not fade in this current relationship it is sure to carry on to the next relationship.

 

The best advice I can give is to have a sit down with your man and let him know how you are feeling why and the two of you can come up with a plan to follow in order to rest your heart and soul.

 

Warm Regards

[Gracelove]

He cheated on you with his ex? I don't think you should stay with him. He obviously has feelings for her.

 

Out of all of the people he could have cheated on you with, he chose his ex.....I'd be concerned that they were still in love.

 

Do you worry that you are 2nd choice in his book?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree with Snoopy. If you want to be with him, you have to let the past go. I think once you have been cheated on, no matter who you would be with, the distrust will be there (just ask countless people on this board who have been cheated on...they never quite get over it and are wary of partners in subsequent relationships. The problem is that cheating is rampant these days...it is so easy to cheat and there are no shortage of people without integrity who don't care about anybody but themselves. I think being in a relationship nowadays is very difficult because you really never know what the other person is up to. You are basically going on blind faith...it is the only thing you can do or else you will drive yourself crazy. He owned up to his mistakes, and that is a good thing...has he learned his lesson and loves and respects you enough to never do that to you again? Well, only he knows that. Love is always about taking a chance...you are indeed taking a big chance and only you can decide whether it is worth it. Not everyone who cheats is a serial cheater. Some really do learn from their mistakes...some do grow up. The lies he spewed about you to her and about her to you are pretty typical of someone who is trying to cover his tracks. How are things between you two now? If you want to be with him, you just have to let it go and focus on what you have now.

[JadedStar]

I think being in a relationship nowadays is very difficult because you really never know what the other person is up to. You are basically going on blind faith...it is the only thing you can do or else you will drive yourself crazy

 

Isn't that the truth! This is why trust is more important than ever. Never have we lived in a time where being mistrusting is sooooo easy to get away with.

 

There is nothing worse than obsessing and wondering if your partner is doing something wrong behind your back. In the case of them having cheated before. i don't know. It would be an extremely hard thing for me to trust them ever again.

[yeawutever]

Wow so many cheaters, that you have to be careful. I guess cheating in a way is like abuse, usually there is always red flags to it that you keep inoring until it is too late.

[Fruitfull1]

Things with us are going ok right now. He has talked to her for sure on 2 occasions that I know of since last year. He has probably talked to her more than that. But I am certain he has NOT been seeing her. I think he stays in contact with her for friendship sake...he knows I don't like it....but I'm not too upset about it because he has made ALOT of changes since the incident last year. He doesn't hang out alot anymore, he just goes to work and comes home. Sometimes he will go play ball at the gym but he hardly does that anymore. I just really don't even want him talking to her AT ALL! He swears up and down that he really wants to be with me and not her or any other chick. I think he is winding down in his adolescent behaviors. He is 31 now and I am now 25. I know more about what it is to be in a relationship than he did. I had to teach him how to love and be loved. I love him so much and that too is why I am still with him. I don't really consider myself 2nd in his book. I consider myself first when it comes to his ex. I really think that if a man wants to leave or not be in a relationship then he will leave. Am I wrong? But then again that applies to anyone who doesn't want to be in a relationship. After awhile they will not want to put up a front or continue with lies or whatever the situation...they will just leave.

[FuzzyKitten]

If this was me, and I decided to give him a 2nd chance, I would absolutely insist that he never talks to her again. He cheated with her, you have every right to say that if he wants you, he can't talk to her anymore!!!

 

He needs to earn your trust back, whatever that takes, he should be willing to do it. He's the one who messed up big time, he's lucky you even gave him another chance.

[LifesontheUp]

First of all, you are a better woman than I am to take back this guy who not only disrespected you by lieing and cheating with his ex, but was uncontactable at a time when you needed him the most.

 

It sounds to me that you never got to the bottom of why he cheated in the first place. Before you can even start rebuilding your relationship it is important that your bf comes clean and you get to the bottom of why he did it.

 

IMHO you put a band aid over the problem and it hasn't been dealt with. Lets face it he is still disrespecting you by being in touch with his ex. He cannot stay friends with her if he wants it to work out with you. Saying they are friends is an excuse and unacceptable.

 

Honestly, for this to work you need to get help i.e counselling. Sorry but I think that is the only way. You can't do it yourselves, you can't just wish away the issues that are still there after all this time.

 

My heart goes out to you as I know what its like to lose a child. I wish you luck and hope you get expert help in order to give your relationship a fighting chance.

[hollyrenee87]

this is what happened to me and i dont think i will ever get over it. i try so my relationship will work but i dont know how...

 

i love him so much but the pain sometimes gets the best of me.

[thejigsup]

My bf messed with his ex while we were together. Guess what? We ain't together no more. I loved him, but I love me more.