need help about what to do

[vantagelight]

I started a relationship with a girl about 3 months ago. She had left her previous boyfriend, their relationship was very strained and abusive. Well we started hanging out, going on dates spending a lot of time together. She tells me how much she loves my company, and how much i mean to her. I understand she just ended a relationship, so i told her i would give her time, but when i do she gets very angry about it, and thinks that i am trying to say i don't want to be with her. But that is not the case, I want to be with her but i want her to have time to heal and get over her previous relationship. Also she has refused to go non contact with him, so every once in awhile he will call her and say sweet things to get her back, and she knows that she doesn't want to go back, and it confuses her greatly for a few days after. I guess I am wondering what I should do, I have been supportive of her, given her space, but these episodes of doubt are beginning to take a toll on me.

[DJ_Element]

Hey dude.

 

Firstly, credit to you for actually wanting and being willing to give her space and time. Despite her obvious disdain for this, I think more than anything that she actually NEEDS it because - while i may be wrong - I think that she's still internally strained from her previous relationship to the point where to her it's almost like it still isn't over, and she's actually abusing herself inside. This may be subtle, and it maybe even be unknown to her...which is why I think she is reacting the way she is to your idea of taking it slow.

 

As for the sweet-talking ex, I wouldn't try to get in the way of that. From my own recent expierience the best thing you can do is listen to her issues and carefully point out that he wasn't a good guy and ask her if she agrees with that. Then, you can ask her why she would want to be with a guy who wasn't a good guy, or a good guy for her? Having her analysing her own situation is a tough thing to do but it'll help her make sense of her inner turmoil and at the same time show her that you think about her but never tell her how to think or feel.

 

As for being supporting - keep it up. All of this depends on how you feel about her. If you feel there is a future, then hang in there as best as you can until you're sure either way. Personally, you sound like a good guy who has his heart in the right place and she'll see that ... although right now internal stuff might be clouding her sense of 'real feeling' - she says she loves your company and you mean so much to her, but doesn't 'feel' why you want to give her space and time to recover from the previous relationship - which to make things worse was abusive. So you're doing the right thing ... just be patient!

 

Hope this helps,

 

David

[lana111]

i was in almost the exact situation. i broke up with a long term ex and right away was with my new bf. the only difference is that when he said he would be patient and i could take my time getting though whatever, i believed him. all you can do at this point is be there for her and let her know your feelings.

[sad-baby]

i understand how u feel...

 

but you shld let her noe ur feeling too..

 

if possible, 3 of you stand out together and have a chat...

 

though she dun wan to be with her ex back..

but tat doesnt mean tta she dun like him anymore...

[rockr]

back off and let her solve the issues. still interacting with an abusive bf doesn't speak too highly of her. if she is interested , she will come back to you. if she doesnt , well you can move on.

otherwise , you might get hurt later on if she goes back to the ex.

[sad-baby]

i agree with rockr

[Momene]

I think after 3 months she should be NC with her ex. I know many of you disagree but for me this would be a dealbreaker.

[vantagelight]

I want to thank everyone for your posts. I just wanted to update you on the situation. Well finally she decided on her own that NC would be best with ex. It makes me feels good that she made this choice on her own without me probing or bugging her. He hasn't respected her wishes however and still tries to contact to her, and has even brought in his family for an all out guilt warfare. She is getting upset and sad. Not because of them calling her, but she just found out that he never told anyone that they were broken up, so it is making look like she broke up with him right at Christmas. We have talked and I have told her it is not her responsibility to tell his family, that they have been broken up for 4 months. On the other hand things with us are great, we have great relationship, sometimes i do things that are normal in a healthy relationship and she says " I have never had anyone do that for me before". So even if things don't last between us, I feel good that I have at least shown a different way of life, a way people should treat each other without guilt, control or fear. Wishing you all the best of holidays, much love.