How should I feel about her Ex?

[Meshak24]

Hi all,

 

This topic has plagued me since I began seeing a girl in March of this year.

 

Her ex. They have been apart for a long time - almost 5 or 6 years now. He was the one that ended the relationship, but they have always been in contact with each other, and have had intermittent relations throughout the time - meaning it hasn't been strictly friends 100% of the time, mostly due to the fact that she had been in love with him for most of those years apart, and finally felt free from the relationship only last summer (2002). At this point, there were no feelings anymore, she had moved on. Toward the end of last year he began his bargaining - wanting to get back together all of a sudden with her, saying he screwed up years ago, etc...all the garbage you could expect to hear when he learned that her and I had become closer friends. We started to date early in 2003, but kept it hush hush (due to the fact that we work together) until, like I said earlier, around March. Until this past summer, he called almost every other day, sent flowers, etc. To this day, he still has strong feelings for her.

 

There are lots of details that I won't get into, just due to not wanting this to turn into a novel - just wanted to give you a brief history.

 

My issue is not with trust - I completely trust her - no matter how much he bugs her, calls, etc. - I know that she'll never do anything to betray our relationship. It is that fact that keeps me going in this relationship.

 

All this time, she wants to remain friends with him, regardless of his advances. Personally, I'm not jumping for joy for the fact that she's still in contact with an Ex, let alone friends with one that still wants more than a friendship. She says that she doesn't want to hurt him, etc., but tells me that it is perfectly clear to him that they're finished. Personally I don't necessarily care about how he feels in this situation, but I have to deal with it nonetheless.

 

There are a few things that I can't seem to come to terms with - and these are the things that I'd like to get some advice on whether or not I'm worrying over nothing, etc. I'll just give one example, the most severe. In June of this year, she went with him to a wedding in Chicago. Now, she agreed to go a year ago, while they were not going out, and we were not yet an item either. She brought it up to me about a month in advance, in a very "matter-of-fact" tone, as if she was telling me I had dripped food on my shirt or something. Of course, I expressed displeasure at the idea (I pleaded with her many times), and didn't want her to go - for many reasons, most of them being that she would be spending a weekend in a non-familiar city with her ex (who is still in love with her). Her argument was that I shouldn't worry about it, they're just friends, she's always wanted to see Chicago, etc. (Keep in mind, that it was known that I have a friend in the city as well.) Well, needless to say, she went, and I was a wreck for those two months prior to her going and I still get serious spells of anger when I think about it now. I'd like to let go of this, but I have a problem with the total disregard for my feelings throughout the whole ordeal, and it's hard to just put that aside.

 

I'd just like some general thoughts on the situation, anything to help me leave this in the past.

 

Sorry for the run-on book - it's so complicated that sometimes I feel I have to write forever to make sense out of it. Hope it was somewhat clear.

 

Thanks in advance for any help.

[Knctrnl22]

hey man,

 

I have to tell you the truth about your situation.

 

In my opinion it works like this.

 

A long time ago your girl and her ex had very strong feelings for each other that never really went away.

 

If I were you I would not believe that she would never betray you.

 

The only way to do that would for her to never leave your sight.

 

Its cool that you trust her since trust is one of the best things about being in a good relationship.

 

I understand your situation because I am a guy who still keeps in touch with his ex.

 

If I were you I would tell your girl to stop talking to her ex, because if she were truly in love with you she would do it.

 

Maybe you don't want to be unfair and tell her that but its your happiness aswell.

 

Whatever decision you make try to make it a good one and stick to what you believe in and don't let her tell you what you should believe in.

 

Once you have made the decision hopefully she will respect your wishes.

 

Its never too late to say something about it.

[Gilgamesh]

I know exactly what your going through I have a sister in a similar situation.

 

Ok, here is the thing, Its very important that you show that you trust your girl. that said. I do agree that she is agravating your relationship.

 

You need to make it clear to her by asking/telling her these things:

 

example:

 

Honey you know this man still has feelings for you, and the more you contact him and give him hope, the more he will still want to be with you.

its not fair for him, and not fair to me, because I know he still wants you, and that is disrespectful of me. and you are helping him.

 

you dont have to use those same words, but you get the picture. you need to get it through to her, that this man does NOT respect her relationship with you, and that he will not move on because of the "friendly" attention she is giving him.