Unique Situation (?) Need Advice...

[wrappedaroundhim]

Hi, I found this forum a while back after a -really- intense break-up that nearly did me in. Well, I finally healed and was happy being single again and focusing on my life and my career when out of the blue a great guy wanders into my life. After having a string of "interesting" relationships to say the least I can honestly say that this guy has the qualities I am looking for and i am really sincerely in love with him. He is in the military and I will see him in two weeks for christmas....what i need help with is this...

 

he was in an on-again-off-again relationship with his ex for about 6 years. Apparently when he was with her they both went through some really hard times...living on the street, drugs, etc...he worked construction and she was a -dancer-. After she found out she was pregnant with his first child she cheated on him and left him and then had a chain os subsequent relationships...then after a while she called him up and they had a short time where they got back together and he got her pregnant again...then she cheated on him and left again with another man. She is still with this other man...but her two children are my boyfriends. A girl and a boy. He wasn't there for either birth because she left and said she didn't want anything to do with him...and his name isn't on the birth certificates or anything. Also, he cleaned up and got himself together while she is still dancing and still has a drug problem. I just have no experience with this sort of thing whatsoever. I think that he should have a relationship with his children but the relationship that he has with HER is so messed up that he NEVER sees his kids...He's NEVER seen his son! She doesn't want him to be a part of their lives apparently. She does however let my BF's parents see the kids and buy them things etc (?!) I asked him why wouldnt she allow him to see his kids while they are there and she refuses to let him see them unless SHE and her new boyfriend are present...which puts all kinds of stress on my boyfriend, if you can imagine...The man she cheated on him with that is raising HIS children comes over while he visits and acts like the father....he would go birzirk!

 

It is jsut a mess...I want to help him and I a kind of chipping away at it...I want him to be open when we discuss it and not get defensive...but i'm not a therapist and he won't go to one because he is in the military etc etc...I feel strongly that he should have a relationship with his kids but if she doesn't want anything to do with him...then what would court ordered visits even do? She'd jsut poison them against him no matter what...

 

He says he was jsut her sperm donor and that other man is who she wants to raise his children....I think the girl is really mixed up and she is making a big mistake...but what can i tell him...he can't go on forever with this open wound...

 

I have always wanted kids and I would love to have them with him one day, but everytime he looks at them will he think of the ones he doesn't know??? I think it will eventually eat away at him and cause serious problems...

He tries to act like he doesn't care...jsut a sperm donor...yeah right...I can see through that BS a mile away.

 

anywbody know of a situation like this...where the mother leaves with the kids and wants nothing to do with the dad? All I can tell him is give it time...until she realizes...but as time passes they are growing up...his little girl is 4 and his son is almost 1....he needs to see them grow up...THEY need him in their lives....

 

I jsut don't know how to handle it....:sad:

[keenan]

This sounds like a very tricky situation. In general, I think that dads should have relationships with their kids. Having said that, I think that, for right now, it might be best for you to step away from this situation a bit and let him navigate this on his own. He's dealing with it in his own way, and if you can just be there for him as a friend and lover and show him that you support him and respect his decisions, then one day he may open up a little and let you have a voice in the matter. But right now, frankly, you don't have a say. It's simply not your situation.

 

I know you love him and want to help him. That is awesome, and to your credit, but you can't force what doesn't want to be forced. You're also concerned that this dysfunctional relationship with his kids will one day negatively affect his relationship with YOUR kids. But that is, for the time being, an imaginary scenario that is playing out in your head and making YOU unhappy. It's not real right now. And...getting worked up about a possible conflict in the future is not really a justification for encouraging him to have contact with his kids.

 

Your job right now is to take a deep breath and be as patient and understanding as you can. If he asks your opinion, give it. But this just doesn't sound like something that can be coaxed / encouraged / nagged into its rightful place for the time being.

 

When the time comes (as I'm sure it will), hopefully he'll turn to you for your opinion because you've shown that you respect his.

 

Good luck to you (and the kids!).

[wrappedaroundhim]

thank you -so- much.