broke down and read her blog

[blindreepr]

I dunno what to say. I'm not overly hurt, or overly happy. I'm indifferent. I think thats a good thing. She said she missed me. I helped kill time according to her, I was fun to be around (her words). Atleast I was good for something. She said that she couldn't be with me because "he would have let me walk all over him. I could have gotten away with murder and he would have still loved me". She said she made out with the other guy because she thought that it was the only way I would let her go, and that was proved wrong and that she couldn't respect me because of it.

 

Is loving someone so selflessly that bad?

 

I don't think she will ever come back don't worry.

 

Actually, nevermind, I think if she does ever come back it will be because she knows that I will be the only way she can financially afford to move to SF (ie the only reason she will come back is to USE me)

 

I'm better off without her.

 

I'm feeling so bleh right now. But it's better than the emotional mess I was a week ago.

[that.girl]

It IS bad to love someone so much that you sacrifice a piece of yourself for it. It's never ok to lose part of yourself. Does that mean you should be distant or uncaring. . .of course not, but you should look out for yourself, especially now that you know she is even concerned that she will/would take advantage of you. Just dont lose yourself, and I am SURE there is someone so much better out there just waiting for you!

[blindreepr]

It IS bad to love someone so much that you sacrifice a piece of yourself for it.

 

I realize that it's bad for me, and I definitely gave her way too much of my heart and lost parts of myself that I am just now starting to realize I lost.

 

But my question was more meant to be is "was loving her so much that I lost myself a negative thing to her?" I mean do people look back on past loves and be like "man, I'm glad I'm not with so and so, they loved me waaaaaay too much."

[that.girl]

No i dont think anyone looks back and says that. (i could be wrong just don't tell anyone lol) I do think it was a blessing that she hurt you before you could really lose anymore of yourself to her. I know that sounds kinda cruel but I think, if I were in your shoes, I would rather have been cut short and hurt than to be used and to lose myself further. Getting hurt can be healed, it may take some time, and no doubt it will, but you'll get better (you already are) and you'll be able to move on and learn from your mistakes. Gee I hope that helps. . though I doubt if it will.

[blindreepr]

No i dont think anyone looks back and says that. (i could be wrong just don't tell anyone lol) I do think it was a blessing that she hurt you before you could really lose anymore of yourself to her. I know that sounds kinda cruel but I think, if I were in your shoes, I would rather have been cut short and hurt than to be used and to lose myself further. Getting hurt can be healed, it may take some time, and no doubt it will, but you'll get better (you already are) and you'll be able to move on and learn from your mistakes. Gee I hope that helps. . though I doubt if it will.

 

ya, you are right. it was better that it happened before I moved out with her and married her (we were engaged). atleast now I know to be on the lookout for someone new instead of getting older and wasting time with someone that didn't want to be with me.

[arwen]

I mean do people look back on past loves and be like "man, I'm glad I'm not with so and so, they loved me waaaaaay too much."

 

I don't think they think that unless there wasn't enough love from their own part. So then, they didn't break up with you because you loved them too much, but because they loved you too little.

 

There is, however, a difference between love and fear of losing someone. Some things in a relationship are not because of love, but because of the latter- like neediness, clinginess, jealousy. Those do not come from loving too much but the overwhelming fear of losing the object of love.

 

I think what you say in your last post is crucial. There is no sense in waiting for someone to change their mind if they had doubts if they want to be with you. You are, in the end, looking for someone who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with her. You will feel better in time. I think you are going through all the normal stages of grieving after a break up. Things can only get better and they will, I promise you.

 

 

 

Arwen

[mybunnyslipperz]

I feel your pain. I apparently loved my boyfriend too much too and a month before our would-be 8 year anniversary, he dumped me without warning.

 

I wish I had something comforting to say to you - but since I'm on the same emotional roller coaster as you, all I can say is "Hang on and hope we all make it to the end of the ride better off than when we started."

 

Hoping you'll find peace within yourself to move on...

Trish

[beebee]

please dont even consider for one second changing your ways in your next relationship... i know alot of wonderful, loving, kind people who swear that in their next relationship they are not going to "give" as much of themselves... that would be so sad!...

 

just an afterthought darling... she didnt deserve you and what you offered her... on to the next... there is some fabulous lady out there just waiting for someone like you to come into her life... !!... i know it!...

 

hugs... beebee

[Batya33]

I think it was tacky and immature to post that on her blog. I think she is using the word "love" incorrectly. She seems to have been turned off by what she saw as your doing things for her out of neediness/seeking approval rather from a place of confidence. Whether that is true is another story.

 

I would not think back that "he loved me too much" but I have ended relationships because he acted like, or I got the sense he would have been, a doormat. That behavior often is shown by "giving" but the giving comes from an insecure place and with mainly a selfish motive - to feel needed/approved of.

 

All giving has some element of selfishness in most humans as in part of why we give is to be appreciated or to feel good about yourself (unless you are one of those rare sorts who gives just to give) but when the giving is overhwelmingly motivated by neediness it can be hard to take.

 

If that is you then yes I would work on changing not just for romantic relationships but in general. Raising self esteem is always a productive thing! If it is not you and she is wrong, then it is her issue and you are better off without her (and you are better off without someone who would behave that indiscreetly).