Boyfriend acts a lot different from what he used to.. what could be going on?

[englishpeony]

Last year, he was all hot to marry me. He was always being affectionate and loving and was always ALL over me. He made it clear he was very attracted to me. If we got into arguments or whatnot, he would CRY if I threatened to leave. He'd do anything in his power to keep me from leaving. He's done some stupid things and I've nearly broken up with him several times. However he would beg for forgiveness and cry and plead and etc etc. He gave me a ring and asked me to marry him and would talk about us being husband and wife. When we had sex, he would ask me to have his child. BTW: he was married and had been separated since 2005. His divorce was pending.

 

Well fast forward to 2007. Things were the same, and I became pregnant. I had a miscarriage in February. Not so soon after, his divorce became final. That's when things started to change. He never mentioned marrying me again. It started bothering me a LOT, especially since that used to be all he would talk about! He was having problems holding down a job (after working somewhere for very steadily, he was let go for not completing his CDL in time.) But he still acted affectionate towards me, as well as loving. But, yet, didn't mention marriage. As if he were hoping that I'd forget he had asked me.

 

One day we were fighting so I got angry enough to bring it up. I told him how it p*ssed me off that his ex who he claimed he never loved was good enough to marry, but apparently I wasn't. He stumbled over some crap about "well, you want something that's too expensive right now, that I can't afford." But it seems to be an excuse.

 

Anyhow, I became pregnant again and things have steadily went downhill since. He hasn't worked since the beginning of my pregnancy and we are living off of his unemployment. He hasn't taken looking for a job seriously and doesn't seem to get it: I am giving birth NEXT FREAKING MONTH. We NEED this income. He doesn't seem so psyched on reading baby books and buying things for our son-to-be, yet everyone (including himself) talked about how he read all these baby books and bought all of these things and really impressed everyone when his wife was pregnant with their 4 1/2 year old daughter. He should be as equally excited about his son-to-be! Sometimes he acts excited, but other times he acts like he doesn't care too much (his mom agrees with me. She says that it seems like it's out of sight, out of mind , for him, and when the baby comes it will be too late for him to realize, oops, I've had a baby on the way all this time!)

 

Anyhow his affection went way downhill as well. He used to come up to me and hug me all of the time, and try to kiss me and hold my hand. He doesn't do anything like that now. Sometimes it's like we are more roommate/buddies than a couple that's supposed to be "in love." When we get into arguments, he'll be like, "alright, that's enough, just pack your sh*t and leave!" And he'll keep saying it until I'm like, alright, whatever, and get my shoes on. (Often he will have packed a bag for me, how lovely. But when I start to leave, he's like, no, just sit down and calm down. He never would have told me to leave in the past. Never. After awhile he will apologize and say that he didn't mean it, but I really wonder. I have a feeling that when he tells me to stop and nevermind, don't go, it's more about him feeling guilty for throwing out a pregnant girl who has no where to go.

 

We have not kissed on the lips since like, January. His hygeine went downhill and he most of the time won't even brush his teeth. How are you supposed to feel connected to someone romantically that you are too disgusted to kiss? Not that he tries to, anyway. But he knows that unbrushed teeth repulses me so I wonder if he does it deliberately.

 

Anyhow, he also is never all over me like he used to be. He rarely ever looks at me up and down anymore and doesn't tell me I'm pretty like he used to. People might say it's cause I'm pregnant but he isn't the type to mind, when he DOES want to get it on, he doesn't mind the pregnancy at all. It's more about him just not being that into me anymore.

 

What is going on here? What has changed? I mean he still talks to me but then, he is a talker and so would talk to anyone. He is always going to these neighbors house everyday, acting like sitting at home with me is so boring, yet if I want to go anywhere he just HAS to tag along. But doesn't ask me to come with him to these neighbor's house, I have never formally met them though I've seen the husband. It is a husband and wife couple in their 40's. They don't have any kids so it can't be some daughter he's interested in, then again he recently mentioned that the wife has a friend with a teen daughter so hmmm.. But, he doesn't stay out all night or go off with friends or anything like that, like a lot of dudes will do when they're doing something shady.

 

So... what could it be??? I don't think he is cheating but is it possible he is interested in someone else...

 

or rather, interested in BEING interested in someone else?? And feels stuck with me now that I'm pregnant??

[Entropy Smith]

Sounds like he isn't strong enough to decide who he is or what he wants...and you sound alittle high strung...bad combination...

[englishpeony]

I'm high strung just because I question why someone doesn't seem to give a damn about this child or the relationship anymore?

[keenan]

You sound scared and lonely. He sounds depressed.

 

Look at your time line for a sec: His infatuation with you was probably giving him a huge buzz and helping him get through the feelings of sadness and failure associated with the end of his marriage. His divorce was finalized at around the same the infatuation period was waning and transitioning into the normal ups and downs of real love. (This is when it's really important to be gentle and kind with each other, because you're both coming off of an unnatural high and discovering each other's flaw.)

 

So...without the same 'crazy in love' feelings to tide him over he starts sinking back into the quicksand of his failed marriage. He has trouble at work, loses his job, and the downward spiral continues. Then you guys get pregnant, so on top of grieving his divorce, trying to transition from infatuation to a real-life relationship, having NO job (which can make many men feel completely worthless), he now has a TON of brand new responsibility.

 

Plus, it honestly sounds like you're riding him pretty hard. If he's making comments about the ring you want being too expensive, it's more evidence that his lack of job is eating him up inside and making him feel like he doesn't measure up to your standards. Are you hard to please? If he's packing your bags for you (???) he must be on the edge (or he's really terrible at resolving confict) and he may be having long-term doubts about you as well. Rather than be understanding (which I agree is probably very hard in your position), you seem mostly angry with him that he's not infatuated with you anymore and expressing it 24/7.

 

I agree that you deserve to be treated well in a relationship, but demanding love because he 'used to feel it' generally doesn't work. What make a person feel all soft and snuggly is being treated with a lot of love and respect--not being shouted at and made to feel "less than" ideal. He already is painfully aware that he's falling short in many of the areas society values.

 

From what you describe, I wonder why he is sticking around. It could be that he's deeply in love with you and is just too depressed about his own perceived failures to give you what you need, or it could be that he's not feeling the love for you anymore but is hanging on by a thread for the sake of your baby. It's mostly likely somewhere in between.

 

Can you get him into therapy? Could you ease up a little and take a softer approach?

 

Also, I'm editing this to add that I'm sorry if I sound harsh. I don't mean to ~ it's late (or early, LOL) and I'm not being careful. I hope it all goes well for you.

[Momene]

Well threatening to leave when you have a row isn't very clever and maybe you did it too often. Quite honestly, he sounds depressed. Not washing, etc is a classic sign. I can't tell you what to do, as to be honest you aren't in control, as you can't "undepress" him.

 

Good luck, you'll need it.