I think I screwed up

[redrose85]

My boyfriend seems to be gun-shy when it comes to buying gifts, and I don't know what I can do to assure him that he DOES know what kind of things I like, and that he does a good job picking out gifts. The gifts don't even matter to me, it's the thought behind it, and I feel like, if he is just asking me exactly what I want, and going out and buying it, there's no real thought behind it. He always gets me expensive things, and I would much rather that he got me a sweater or something that HE picked out. I know why this is, but I don't know how to fix his gift-giving paranoia that he doesn't know what he's doing. For me, Christmas growing up was all about the surprise. Us kids got maybe one large gift, and a bunch of smaller things, and we never knew what to expect. It was the thought behind it, and the personalization. The way he does gift-giving seems to take the fun out of it. Are all guys like this? I remember my ex did this as well.

[Daligal83]

I think you need to tell him what you just told us. Tell him that for you, it's not about the material present, it's about the thought that goes into it and knowing that he picked it out specifically for you. Not that you told him what you get you. You can say that because of that, you couldn't possibly be disappointed with anything he gets you.

[Portage]

I think MOST men take the excitement out of gift giving. It seems that surprise is not in their vocabulary, at least with the men i've had relationships with. I'm the same as yourself, i don't care if it cost them 5 dollars or a hundred, but what was behind the giving.

 

A homecooked dinner would have suited me. The work and thought and not the card and cash inside.

 

Hmmm, yes, just express your feelings and see if he rolls with it???

 

Let us know

[redrose85]

I have told him that, but he said that if I left it up to him, I would be sorely disappointed I don't believe that. He knows me better than anyone else (except for myself of course) and I know that he can do it. We are making each other stockings this year, one of my most favorite traditions, so I am hoping that maybe if he is "successful" at that, and I really show him how much I love the little trinkets or whatever he finds, his gift-giving confidence will be reinforced a bit.

 

I know why he is gun-shy, and it's because his family is hard to please. It's also my fault, because he bought me a necklace for our anniversary. I couldn't wear it because it was a religious symbol, and I felt so guilty wearing that pendant. I have faith, but I'm not exactly devout. He said when he picked it out, he saw that it was sparkly and pretty, and thought I would like it. He was so excited he didn't even realize what shape it was...lol. I finally confessed to him that I couldn't wear it, and we went back to the store and exchanged it for something else. But, even though he said he was okay with it and everything, I think it was really a blow to his ego.

[Batya33]

I think you are adding to the pressure and asking him to be someone he is not just because you had certain family traditions. Gift giving in the way you expect - is not his strength and he doesn't get joy out of that - so why can't you just accept that he is not a cookie cutter of your family? Why not instead, pool the money you were going to spend on gifts for each other and give it to a meaningful charity? Start a new tradition instead of pressuring him to conform to yours.

[wiser]

Most men dont like to give gifts. To much trouble to go to the store, open the door, get out, close the door. When you get to the store itself, theres another door. Then they need to figure out what she wants, pick it up, bring it to the register, open the wallet, remove the appropriate amount of cash, and make the purchase. Then the process of leaving the store and getting back in the car must be repeated. At some point the present must be wrapped.

 

Its amazing that women ever get any gifts.

[JeckyllNHyde]

I think MOST men take the excitement out of gift giving. It seems that surprise is not in their vocabulary, at least with the men i've had relationships with. I'm the same as yourself, i don't care if it cost them 5 dollars or a hundred, but what was behind the giving.

 

A homecooked dinner would have suited me. The work and thought and not the card and cash inside.

 

Hmmm, yes, just express your feelings and see if he rolls with it???

 

Let us know

 

LOL! Omg, you remind me of what my aunt once said and I thought it was only certain types of men, or rare guys who did this.

She said she once saw a beatifull set of diamond earring, necklace and ring that her and her husband had at the store they own. It was extremely expensive. She told him she really did like it.

A few days later, he comes home with it, in a plain box, and leaves it on the table and says: "that's for you"/"I got that for you"..

 

I guess it's all in the presentation and the whole act of the giving like you say. Very good point to keep in mind really.

[redrose85]

Thanks Batya, that gives me some great insight into his head. I never even thought of it that way. Next year he will be a student too, so we will probably pare it down to a couple of small gifts and the rest to the wildlife recovery center here, or to the SPCA. I certainly don't want there to be pressure, but I can understand how there would be. He does enjoy Christmas a lot, but I guess there is a certain amount of pressure. I feel it, but I enjoy going shopping and really thinking about what he would love. But, he is a not a chick, and I get that lol

[redrose85]

Nairo- you reminded me of the forlorn looking men trudging through the mall, because they have NO clue what to get their kids/wife/grandchildren. Half the time, they plop down on the bench in front of my store and have a nap. Or they go home, ask what their wife/kids/gf want specifically, and go out and buy it. Poor guys! I can't imagine it not being fun to shop for those you love

[JeckyllNHyde]

Awwwww..! He seems sooo sweet. The way you describe that he just saw it sparkle and imagined how it would look on you, etc and just bought it right away.

I once bought a watch for my friend. Went thru all the trouble of picking something out. Walked to the store after school and all. And then......

she went and returned it, for something completely diffrent and more expensive....

She's just my friend but a close one, and even that was a bit of a blow to my ego. I know it shouldn't hurt or anything but it did just a bit. But ahh, it's her b'day, she deserved to have something she truly liked I guess at the end of the day. I'm sure your bf also thought the same.

[DN]

It's also my fault, because he bought me a necklace for our anniversary. I couldn't wear it because it was a religious symbol, and I felt so guilty wearing that pendant. I have faith, but I'm not exactly devout. He said when he picked it out, he saw that it was sparkly and pretty, and thought I would like it. He was so excited he didn't even realize what shape it was...lol. I finally confessed to him that I couldn't wear it, and we went back to the store and exchanged it for something else. But, even though he said he was okay with it and everything, I think it was really a blow to his ego.

So he was already used to people not liking the presents he bought - and then this happened.

 

It's a wonder he doesn't just give you cash.

[Batya33]

Thanks Batya, that gives me some great insight into his head. I never even thought of it that way. Next year he will be a student too, so we will probably pare it down to a couple of small gifts and the rest to the wildlife recovery center here, or to the SPCA. I certainly don't want there to be pressure, but I can understand how there would be. He does enjoy Christmas a lot, but I guess there is a certain amount of pressure. I feel it, but I enjoy going shopping and really thinking about what he would love. But, he is a not a chick, and I get that lol

 

Just explain to me - why is "enjoying Christmas" synonymous with "gift giving" - I thought Christmas was far more than that - and, a religious holiday. I don't celebrate it but I have many friends who do and I've never heard it put that way.

 

Great idea re the charities!

[RayKay]

I guess it does as others said depends on how he grew up.

 

My boyfriend always manages to keep it a surprise and he finds it really important to do that - sometimes it is something he has heard me say I would like to get at some point; other times he just picks something out he knows would be my taste/to my liking. Mainly as I would never ASK for something specific - just not my style at all!

 

I am the same way - he kinda hints sometimes at what he would like, or I just observe what I know he needs/wants.

 

For the record, I HATE shopping; but find it really important to also get something that I know they will like and use, and there is pressure in that! So I can understand when people feel overwhelmed by the choices and options.

 

But, not everyone is like that. Some people need to "ask" what you want as they do worry about getting something "wrong"; and some people just grew up where that was the norm - parents asked, you said; or vice versa.

 

 

I don't think either style is wrong or better - it's just what works or how that person approaches things. I am sure you can compromise somehow in giving for example an idea of what you would like without actually being specific on exactly what it is, or maybe even ask him to talk to one of your friends, family members - they may be able to give suggestions that are just as much a surprise in the end to you as they would be if he never asked.

[redrose85]

He is very sweet. What's really funny is that we both wound up at the same store! I bought him a watch, a nice classic style, and he bought me that necklace. When we went back to return the necklace, it was the same saleslady. We had apparently both gone in, fell in love with the respective item, and bought it right away I know how it feels to have a gift rejected. A couple of times now, I have bought my best friend some cool gifts. One was a purse that was just beautiful, and I bought it specifically for a dress that she has that she particularly likes. She wore the dress, but used a different purse, and the one I got her is in the back of her closet. I paid more for that purse than I have ever paid for a bag for myself, so that hurt my feelings. Last year I got her a spa sampler pack, a free mini manicure and things like that, because it was a great deal, and I thought for sure that she would love something like that. She never went though. I've kind of given up, and this year she is getting a bottle of her favorite wine

[redrose85]

I don't know Batya... One Christmas a few years ago I donated to charities in various people's names, and they didn't like that. I don't understand how people wouldn't, but whatever. I don't go over the top. My bf and I generally get each other one present that is more of a big ticket item, and we only get gifts for close family members, and close friends. The people that we don't see, or talk to much, we don't bother, and send a card instead. I generally spend about $200 each Christmas, which is do-able, because I save bits here and there throughout the year. I actually look forward to him being a poor student like me next year, because then we can just give each other socks or new pajamas or something

[Batya33]

Sure sounds like a heavy focus on gift purchasing and giving - but if that is what is important to you on Christmas so be it - just understand that your boyfriend might not feel the same.

[redrose85]

It's actually the other way around. He's all about the gifts, and I'm all about just having a nice, peaceful day with family and friends. Gifts seem to unfortunately be a requirement for the holidays. I agree it is flawed, but it's the way it is, and the way it's been my whole life, and his. I told him that what I really want is a christmas tree for our place, and to bring back my childhood tradition of filling stockings full of silly little things. So, we're doing that. Our favorite thing to do is to buy yummy gourmet cheeses and meats, and munch out on Christmas eve. We did that last year, and as is his tradition, we opened our presents before we went to sleep. This year, we will probably do the same. Go to church, come home, share a yummy platter of cheeses (YUM), open gifts, go to sleep, have christmas dinner at my friend's place with her kids and siblings. It's quite nice the way it is now, because once there are kids in the picture, we will have to do things differently, because of the whole santa claus thing. Maybe I will just cut the whole santa thing out completely, and just tell them that these gifts are from mommy/daddy/grandma/grandpa, etc... because you're a good boy/girl and deserve a treat. Of course, the other kids can't know the truth

[Momene]

In England Christmas is more about worshipping the Holy Overdraft and the Divine Credit card and bankruptcies reach their peak in January.

 

I sell back a week of my holiday to cover the cost.

[Batya33]

If you say so - a good friend of mine was telling me just yesterday that she and her family treat Christmas as a serious religious holiday and do not exchange gifts. So, I understand it is part of your family tradition and you choose to follow it - I am not judging that part but I do know that it is not a requirement accross the board.

 

From the post it seemed like you were very focused on your bf's style of gift giving and that you wanted to convince him to change his style to suit you. That is why I got the impression that you were very focused on gift giving on Christmas. sorry if that was a mistaken impression.

 

If I were you I would tell him that you want him to feel comfortable first and foremost so that whatever he does as far as what gift he gives you you will be fine with it.

[DN]

Just as a matter of interest: the tradition of giving gifts at Christmas is as old as Christmas itself. The first Christmas gifts were actually birthday gifts and there were three of them; gold, frankincense and myrrh. Very expensive gifts at the time.

[Batya33]

Just as a matter of interest: the tradition of giving gifts at Christmas is as old as Christmas itself. The first Christmas gifts were actually birthday gifts and there were three of them; gold, frankincense and myrrh. Very expensive gifts at the time.

 

ok thanks dn.

[redrose85]

Do you celebrate any holidays, batya?

[Batya33]

Absolutely - and on a few we exchange gifts - (for example, valentine's day if I am seeing someone).

 

I remember when I was your age I was much more focused on what gift my boyfriend would get me, whether it would be a surprise, etc - I had friends then who were the same way - but as I got older for me personally the importance of that greatly diminished - and now it is unimportant. Part of the reason is that if I want something special/expensive at this point I am more likely to buy it for myself than to want my boyfriend to buy it for me (even though he would in a heartbeat). I like knowing that I can afford to splurge on myself once a year or so even if I don't. I enjoy giving gifts - and giving them in thoughtful ways, picking out the perfect gift - much more than I like receiving -I've always been that way.

 

But even though I am like that with gift giving I don't expect my boyfriend to be like that nor would I be comfortable trying to change how he gives gifts (for me, the way he chooses and gives gifts is great but I am just saying how i would react).

 

So, if your question was whether I am accustomed to celebrating holidays where there is gift giving yes, absolutely. I should add also that most of my friends and I stopped exchanging gifts on holidays because it quickly gets too complicated, expensive and often the gifts go to waste - for birthdays some of us go out to celebrate and we treat each other during the year to dinners, theater, concerts, etc.

 

I agree with Momene's characterization of the holiday season - same in my city.

[redrose85]

I think you read me wrong here. My main concern was that I was worried that he doesn't feel confident when it comes to picking things out on his own, and that doesn't just mean gifts, it means groceries, housewares, etc... My concern is that over time, this part of his self-confidence has been damaged, and I wanted to know if there was anything I could do to show him that he is perfectly capable. But, I had a talk with him last night about it, and he said that he really just feels more comfortable when he is able to get me to say exactly what I would like, and then he can go out and get it for me. We just don't think alike in that respect, but now I realize where he is coming from at least.

 

I am definitely getting to the point where I would prefer to purchase things for myself, such as this camera I have been dreaming of. I was all set to buy it, and then my dental insurance didn't go through. So now, it looks like basically all the money I made from my PT job last month and will make over December is going to that dental work. He saw how disappointed I was and immediately asked me what kind of camera it is, and where he can get it. I told him not to bother, but he's not exactly listening...lol.