Am I wasting my time?-help

[noidea1213]

To make a long story long....I've been off and on with the same guy for the past 5 years . The first year or so was great, but as time passed the lust went away...the I love yous...the long kisses (which is normal to some degree, I guess), and I took that as a fleeting disinterest. It was sort of a snowball affect from there: the less attention he paid toward me, the more we faught, the more I flirted with other guys to try to get something out of him, the more he flirted with other girls, the more resentment built up, the less communication because we both started not to trust each other, until we broke up and we both couldn't tell you exactly why. So we've been back and forth...he's asked me back many times... and I tried to play hard to get to see if he actually cares or just lonely (maybe he just got use to me). I've been looking for him to say the right words, "I want you and only you, and I know things have went downhill but that's all in the past and I need you" type of thing. Maybe I'm wrong...I think I've become so insecure with him over the years that maybe nothing he says will fix that. But the past month or two we've been talking again; it's so nice just to see his face again even though we both just treat each other as strangers sometimes. Then one night he grabbed me and kissed me at a party I happened to see him at. If only he just left me alone...but I kissed him back...and loved it...and rememered how soft his lips were...and then I had a rush of thoughts...could we try again? I thought that maybe if I just started over....no resentment...no bringing up the past....treating him with respect and acting just like I use to act before things went sour that maybe he'd slowly do the same; and he kinda has. The problem, though, is that I don't see it in his eyes or feel it in his kiss (except at the party). It sounds silly and it's impossible to explain..but it's like this gut feeling. I don't feel like he has this terrible desire to be with me...I want butterflies...I WANT SOMETHING. The only times he tells me that he loves me, etc. is when we're fighting...otherwise he talks about cars and buildings...just stuff. In a way, I think subconsciously I've learned to fight with him just so I can get some emotion out of him. At times I feel like I'm trying to get feelings out of a brick. He says things will change...which keeps me holding on because why would he say that if he didn't care? But then again caring is different than loving. I have no doubt that he has feelings for me...maybe just not enough. Maybe I'm just beating a dead horse...maybe I'm just expecting too much too soon...I'm looking for the affection I once got. So the question is: does it just take time for things to heal over...or have I played "hard to get" so long, that I won?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think you have a very bad attitude about relationship because you are treating the relatoinships as if it was a game...playing hard to get, testing him, flirting with other men, winning vs. losing etc. I think you need to read some books and learn how to communicate in a healthy, mature way. I also think you need to understand that relationships evolve and it is not all about hearts and flowers and sappiness. Did he grab you and kiss you at a party because he was drunk? It doesn't sound like his relationship skills are highly evolved either. How do you know he doesn't have the desire to be with you. I think you two need to sit down and talk about this relationship...without the mind games. When two people care about each other, they talk about all kinds of things...they don't just gaze longingly into each other's eyes and repeat I love you fifty million times. That's the stuff of romance novels, not real life.

[Momene]

The fact that it's been on and off for 5 years itself tells me the answer: split for good. I know its hard to contemplate someone else after so long but this "relationship" isn't good for either of you.