Fighting in a relationship - is this normal?

[theartofruin]

I am emotionally involved with someone long distance, but we're not officially a couple yet. The idea was see how it goes, and I'm going to see her again next month so I guess we'll see then. Anyway, everything was perfect until very recently.

 

We've been fighting quite a bit. We can be having a perfectly normal, fun conversation, but it'll end with a fight. It's now been two nights in a row. And fights over NOTHING that important.

 

I never fought with my last girlfriend in two years, I'm just not used to this. How much is too much before you give up on someone? I care about this girl so much, and I am hoping it's just a bad patch we're going through that will get better, but my head tells me we're just not compatible and should give up. The fights aren't that bad - we don't call each names or say anything that nasty, and most of the time it ends with apologies and calmness. But it still really gets to me the fact that we are fighting, regardless of what it's about.

 

What are your thoughts? Does a couple of fights mean we're doomed, or am I just thinking way too much and should accept disagreements happen in relationships???

[NewPhillyGuy]

What are you fighting about?

[JadedStar]

Fights CAN be healthy but if you find you are fighting a lot it could be a sign of incompatibility or stress from the LDR. Not everyone can handle LDR's.

 

IF the fighting is stressing you out then i'd say it is not a healthy release of anger and difference of opinion.

 

Me and my husband fight on occasion but it is a healthy release when something is getting to us. If it ever gets to the point that the fighting is stressing me out then i know it is too much and something needs to be done.

[wiser]

How much is too much before you give up on someone?

 

When she's leaving dents in your head with the frying pan, it's time to hit the road.

[theartofruin]

What are you fighting about?

 

Just silly things - I feel I'm being ignored sometimes. I don't know if I'm imagining it or not. It's something that's stuck with me from my last relationship, where my then girlfriend was actually cancelling on me and not seeing me because this club she joined consumed her for the last few months of our relationship. I'm pretty paranoid about it maybe, and need reassurances that I'm still important. I know it's lame, but I can't help it. So I bring it up, and it turns into a fight.

 

Maybe the LDR thing is a factor. I don't know. I really want it to work.

[ghost69]

i don't date women that i would get into fights with a lot. never been in that situation. i can usually tell when things are going sour and i'd end it quickly.

[JadedStar]

Ghost, you are going to have a hard time with a longterm relationship or marriage if you leave because of a fight or leave before one can erupt.

[ghost69]

Ghost, you are going to have a hard time with a longterm relationship or marriage if you leave because of a fight or leave before one can erupt.

 

haha, not really. if i was constantly fighting with someone, it's not going to work. again, i've never been in this type of situation where verbal or physical fighting was occurring. i didn't read this was physical, but i know what he means be constantly fighting. maybe i've never allowed myself into situations like this.

 

any time i've been in an argument with someone i've worked it out. so i don't know why you imply i just take off. there is a difference between fighting and having a constant battle. i think that is where the OP is at. when is enough enough?

[JadedStar]

so i don't know why you imply i just take off

 

I didn't imply. I was posting directly in response to what you stated. Maybe i read it wrong when you said "things are going sour you end it qucikly".

 

I read that to mean you end the relationship quickly. Maybe you meant the fight/dispute?

[ghost69]

so i don't know why you imply i just take off

 

I didn't imply. I was posting directly in response to what you stated. Maybe i read it wrong when you said "things are going sour you end it qucikly".

 

I read that to mean you end the relationship quickly. Maybe you meant the fight/dispute?

 

i can usually tell if a relationship isn't going to work out. so yes, i will end a relationship quickly if we are dating and early on it's chaotic. but i've never really had this problem as i'm a good judge of character and can tell if we'd be compatible enough.

[JadedStar]

Ghost, very compatible people still fight on occasion. I agree with you, if it is chaotic, RUN. It's not worth it.

 

The OP went on to define his use of "fighting" as really "disagreements" so yes, ALL couples have disagreements.

If not they should call up Hollywood and audition for the next Stepford Wives or Husbands filming.

 

But the distincition here is occasional. OP if you are fighting A LOT, then it is probably a very good sign of incompatibility.

[ghost69]

if you argue watching days of our lives over mtv, then not a big deal. but if it's cause personalities clash so much, you might want to reconsider.

[JadedStar]

I agree ghost. It definitely depends on the volume of arguments and what they are about.

 

I think the OP has a problem if he is having so many conflicts. LDR's are NOT for everyone.

 

I know I couldn't do one successfully.

[theartofruin]

Hey guys, cheers for all your comments.

 

Yeah I've been like Ghost in the past- never had to really deal with it, never fought before. Most girls I see it doesn't last very long anyway so never gets to that stage. The actual relationships I've had were smooth sailing. This is the first time I've been involved were we're fighting (yeah it's just arguing, nothing physical). I guess the LDR must be a factor.

 

I was just wondering how much is too much. At the moment it's tolerable - I think it's just a bad couple of weeks. I can deal with that. I was just wondering if you can tell when it's too much and we're going to bail.

 

The causes of the arguments are stupid things, but they tend to be personality clashes, but nothing we can't work on and smooth out.

[JadedStar]

If you are experiencing a personality clash in a long distance relationship, what on earth will you do if you two live closer together in the future? If you have a personality clash now, you really will feel it when you are around each other more.

[theartofruin]

Yeah I agree, if things continue as they are then we obviously are not meant to be together. But for the first six months or so it was perfect, no sign of a clash at all, it's just been the last 2 or 3 weeks... I don't know, we'll see how it goes. Things have been fine for a few days, and we hadn't gone a few days without arguing for a while! A good sign???

[JadedStar]

Well the first six months is the honeymoon period - very few couples feel much dissention that soon. Euphoria is still set in.

 

I'd wait for longer than a few days without an argument to get too optimistic. Hopefully you can go at least a month without arguing.

 

Wow i couldn't deal with arguing that often.

[ghost69]

LD isn't the issue i see. LD can be overcome. i think it's the personalities battling here. but if you notice a trend in fighting this early on, you might want to stop, take a step back and evaluate who you are and what you want.

[real_life_101]

Some arguing is healthy in a relationship it sets boundries, and adds passion as well. I would not say fighting every day is healthy, but if it gets everthing out and there is no resentment built I would say go for it. To many peolpe leave relationships because they are fighting, when in fact fighting is still a form of communication.

[theartofruin]

Well things were looking okay, back to normal. Then a couple of nights ago it happened again. I'm sick of it. This is so stupid. She's mad at me because I drunkenly called her house and left a message that her mum heard. This is a reason to fight?? This is a reason to be angry?!? Isn't this kind of thing just a 'mildly annoyed' situation? Whatever, we disagree over everything now.

 

Oh and when I tried calling her a month ago apparently I tried 7-8 times. This creeps her out. In a way I see her point, but on the other hand if I'm trying to get hold of my mum, dad, or the dude in class who borrowed a DvD last week, I'll call them half a dozen times until they pick up. If somebody calls me a bunch of times I don't think a thing of it, except "oh man, I ought to call them back".

 

You guys are right, I'm so fed up with this, it's not healthy. Unfortunately I have flights booked to go and see her in a couple of weeks, and to change them will cost me a small fortune (and I cannot cancel them without losing all my money). I'm stuck. If I thought we could spend a week together and co-exist I'd still want to see her, I don't hold any grudge or anything. But from now until we see each other there's still time enough where I'm sure I'll do something else to make her mad again.

 

God I'm so stressed with all of this. I'm barely over my ex and now I'm sucked into this. I feel like crap and I just wish none of this had ever happened. Rant over!

[shygirl23]

Just silly things - I feel I'm being ignored sometimes. I don't know if I'm imagining it or not. It's something that's stuck with me from my last relationship, where my then girlfriend was actually cancelling on me and not seeing me because this club she joined consumed her for the last few months of our relationship. I'm pretty paranoid about it maybe, and need reassurances that I'm still important. I know it's lame, but I can't help it. So I bring it up, and it turns into a fight.

 

Maybe the LDR thing is a factor. I don't know. I really want it to work.

 

Wow. You and I are in the same position.

 

If you figure it out, let me know!

[Aleadragonhawk]

LDRs are stressful, and they can be even more stressful as you're getting closer to meeting up. Spending long periods of time without your partner can be rough on anyone. If you're butting heads, step back for a few days to cool off, then try to have a talk about the real reason behind your fighting - lots of small arguments are usually based around a bigger problem. I know that I used to get into arguments with my now husband simply because I was lonely and frustrated that he wasn't with me, and that steadily grated at me until I felt so raw and emotional that anything would make me upset.

 

From some of your other posts in this thread, though, I don't think that the arguments are your entire problem - you mentioned that you're barely over your ex and now being sucked into this, and in the beginning you also compared the relationship you have now with the one that you used to have. Is it possible that feelings for your ex are part of what is causing the conflict that you're having now?

[theartofruin]

I've wondered this, and I think yes and no. I think my main problem is my last relationship was (until the last couple months) wonderful, and so I'm always going to be aiming to have it again. Knowing that I could connect with somebody so well, knowing that I could be myself, that we'd never fight because we were both mature enough to discuss things diplomatically and empathetically: so whatever relationship I'm in from now on will always be compared to those high standards.

 

In terms of the ex herself, I think I'm over her. Sure I still care about her and think about her sometimes, but not in a lovey dovey way. I certainly don't compare my ex with this new girl, or want them to be the same person. But I do miss the qualities of my last relationship.

 

I honestly don't know why these fights have been happening in our LDR attempt. I know I am upset that she has stopped being affectionate, and I never was told if it was because she had stopped having feelings for me, or not. If I tried to bring it up I was being too 'serious' and she wasn't ready for these conversations because she was not long out of her own last relationship. Too much baggage I guess is the main reason we fight. A couple months ago she told me she loved me, but she hasn't said it for a while now. I guess she changed her mind. Was I the rebound?? Seems like it.

[my_own_love]

How long ago were you guys out of your respective relationships? Has is been a long time? I know you said you felt as if you were over your ex? Do you know if she is over hers?

 

I don't think a lot of fighting is healthy, although a fight every once and a while is normal. Maybe you are both stressed out about the distance, or about other responsibilities.

 

Also, you said that whatever relationship you have will be compared to the high standards of your last relationship. That isn't very healthy, and it is unfair to any woman you have dated or decide to date since. Every relationship is different and will have both good and bad points. I am sure the relationship you are in now has some things that were better than your last, just like it has some things (like the arguing) that are worse.

[theartofruin]

Hmmm mine ended a while back... Easter time? She 'officially' broke up with her boyfriend a couple months ago (but they'd broken up a few other times too). I know she's not over hers, not completely. She told me she didn't love him anymore, but I appreciate being without him will take some getting used to.

 

I didn't mean 'compare' in a nasty way - I realise every relationship is different. It's just that having experienced (for once in my life!) a good relationship where I don't fight, it's hard to not expect that again. Maybe I'm unrealistic. The girl I've been involved with recently is nothing like my ex, and I don't want her to be. If it sounds like I'm still hung up on my ex, I'm really not!

 

Yeah the distance is a factor, plus we're both getting stressed with school. But it feels like she takes her anger out on me sometimes, I don't know. I know it's not her fault she got involved with me when she did like, but I wish she hadn't. She obviously wasn't ready for a relationship, I think she just wanted a distraction and some fun.

 

The last thing you said is really true actually. Sure we have been fighting which I hate, but there are so many better things with this new girl which I am really going to miss. I wish things hadn't gotten so bad - I wish I could erase all the mistakes we've both made the last few months.