I want sex all the time...and my man doesn't...advice please!

[survivorFQ]

I am 28 and my boyfriend is 36 and I practically have to force him into having sex with me some times. He is really busy with work, tired, etc...etc...are a few of the excuses that I get...but he has plenty of time to sit on the computer, watch tv etc. Besides even when we went on an 11 day vacation on a tropical island...we had sex 3 times and I initiated all 3. He says he is attracted to me...cause I have asked several times over the past year...and he says it is him not being in shape and comfortable with himself, and thats why he does not want to have sex.

 

I work out 7 days a week, have a slim toned body, and I get many compliments from people...my boyfriend is a little overweight...but I try to tell him how sexy he is...and how much I want him all the time...but that does not seem to change the fact that we are lucky if we have sex 1x/mo.

 

I would like to think I am bigger than ending a relationship due to no sex...but I am honestly hitting my sexual prime or something...because I thing about having sex at least a few times a day...7 days a wk. I just don't know what to do anymore...I have tried sending him sexy pics by e-mail to excite him (since I know he logs on to adult friend finder and looks at pics of other girls several times a wk...I came accross his site once on the computer...since he left it up by mistake) I even asked him about that...why he looks at other girls...and still does not want to have sex with me...I even went to the extent of saying we should go on together...and see if that would turn him on more and want me.

 

I am always willing to please...try any new position or technique he wants...or I think he may want...but still I feel like I am so unattractive to him or something...and that he just does not want me. I have given him oral many times...but he has never gone down on me once. I just figured he was a guy that just did not like it...and refused to do it...but when i asked if he liked it and if he had done it before he said yes...so I asked why not with me and he said you have to be in the right mood. If he hasn't been in the Rt mood for 1yr...will it ever happen?

 

The other parts of our relationship are fine...but just feel sometimes we are two best friends that live together...and kiss on occasion...Not that I am his lover...which kind of sucks...cause I am realizing that sex is an intimate connection I need in a relationship.

 

I guess I am at a loss. I have brought this up to him on several occasions...trying not to pressure...cause I know no one likes that...but just try to come up with some solution. It always ends with him saying he will try to make more of an effort...sad that sex has now become an effort...

 

But then...nothing really changes. I swear I have started looking on AFF...just so I can fantasize about sex...as well as have become very familiar with having to please myself.

 

So I guess I want to know if anyone else has been in this situation...or if anyone has any advice.

 

Thanks...much appreciated in advance.

[Momene]

I've been with the Mrs for 19 years and sometimes my appettite has been bigger than hers but for the last 10 years its been the other way round. I was quite h0rny at 36 but not so much now, as I suffer from health problems and I suffer overwork and stress, too. The vacation bit is a red flag.

 

The other thing that you need to watch is fear of pregnancy. Maybe you're not in the right place to have kids.

[vpoohb66]

I was in that same situation, with my soon to be ex-husband of 10 yrs. Our whole relationship was me asking/begging/whatever for sex. He never initiated it and most of the time when I asked for it he told me I was bugging him about it to much and he couldnt believe I wanted it that often. Towards the end of the marriage, he did say that health issues were some of the reasons that he never wanted it, but like you said about your b/f, mine also always seemed to have time for the internet and tv (porn on both things) so I had a hard time believing that it was health related.

 

Anyway, unfortunately, or maybe fortunate for me, the sex issue was one of the reasons he left me (other reasons also, but that was one that he said made him make the decision).

 

One thing I can say is maybe he needs to get checked out to see if there are any underlying health issues that could be causing his lack of interest. Or like Momene said, maybe he is concerned about a pregnancy.

[anggrace]

Never gone down on you once? That is not health or stress related, that is complete lack effort. If it's because he doesn't enjoy it for some reason, he should let you know. And I agree that the vacation think is a red flag. Vacations are the perfect time to bond like that and if he made no attempt, I would be concerned.

 

It's hard to say what the exact reasoning is for his lack of interest is. It could be any number of things. But him not showing any concern or making an effort is what would worry me most. Have you considered counseling? Have you clearly expressed to him how important this issue is to you?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It could be health issues but I am rather skeptical about that. He seems to be perfectly fine when you give him oral..and he is likely pleasing himself with the stuff he finds on the internet. You have asked him many times if he is attracted to you and he says yes...but actions speak louder than words. He doesn't want to give you sexual pleasure and he doesn't even want to kiss you. I suspect (correct me if I am wrong) that he doesn't cuddle with you much either. This is not a good sign. Some people go into relationship and stay in relationships just so that they won't be alone. I would be concerned that this might be the case here. A relationship between a couple should be about both friendship AND a romantic component...touching, kissing, cuddling and sex. You might want to re-think this relationship. You can suggest counselling but really, if he is not feeling it, there is nothing much you can do. You deserve someone who will give you the romance and passion as well.

[Honey Pumpkin]

Was the sex ever good? I think it's a really important part of a relationship, to be honest. Not just the penetrative sex, but the kissing and touching and sexual aspect that permeates all aspects of your relationship.

[vpoohb66]

I agree with what Crazyaboutdogs said, because like I said my ex said it was health issues, but I dont believe that at all because of the porn watching and other issues. And I also agree that you deserve someone that can give you the affection you want and need. I have now found someone that has the same sex drive that I have and things are great.

[itsallgrand]

How would you describe this man overall? His qualities as a person?

 

What attracted you to him?

 

Was there a lot of sex at the beginning?

 

In this relationship, other than the sex, are you two on the same path into the future?

 

It'd be one thing if this happened later in the relationship, but he seems to simply be this way and you saw this from very early on.

 

So I'm more wondering why you are there rather than why isn't he more sexual with you.

 

One partner so withdrawn sexually, the other so full-on intense with it, there has to be something else going on here?

 

Did you seduce him at the beginning? lol. I'm curious. This isn't like a long marriage where the sexual energies flux and wane.

[survivorFQ]

How would you describe this man overall? His qualities as a person?

 

- He is a hard working dedicated man. He is honest, hates drama, and likes to be the center of attention amongst our friends. He has a great personality...and makes friends wherever we go...and has a wonderful sense of humor...and can always make me laugh. He has shown...only a few times a bit of jealousy...and can be a little over sensitive sometimes...and I really have to question what it is that I or someone else did...to get him to tell me why he is in such a "mood".

 

What attracted you to him?

 

We clicked from the first day we met. I knew we would be great friends...and then as we grew a friendship...that started to grow into something more. I met him when i was up in New England for an internship then went back to FL to finish another and graduate. He was the one who said he wanted me to come back. We talked every day (with mainly him calling me) for over 4mo, and then when I graduated from grad school I decided to go back, since he asked me to. At the time...we were still friends...but we both knew something more was growing.

 

He courted me in the brginning. Was the first one to reach out and touch me, to kiss me...etc. He wanted to have sex soon after I got back...but I told him no...I wanted to wait...I needed to get on birth control etc...and so we waited...just fooled around a lot. Then after a few months later...we started having sex...and I have to admit...it was soon after that, we started not being as intimate. Granted at the same time he was working on a big business deal etc...however he always seems to be working on something like that, which occupies all his time and energy...and never ends up coming to be.

 

However...I was initially trying to be understanding...I knew he was busy etc. as well as I started to doubt if I was "sexually satisfying enough"...or if I just sucked at having sex. Finally after a several months...I brought it up...and he just said he was busy, and tired and that he would try harder. But nothing changed...so 3-4mo later...I brought it up again...and he came up with one excuse...after another...listing he was tired...then that he was busy with work...then that he did not want to get me pregnant...then that he was out of shape and did not have the energy...all within the same conversation...which made me wonder...what really was the reason...since the more I questioned...the more his story kept changing.

 

I know...why do I stay with him...I have cried many a night lying next to him...while he sleeps just wondering why he will not just reach out and touch me...just hold me...just want me...

 

I guess I have been thinking what you have all been saying...but I do love him...he is a wonderful person...just perhaps not the most compatable for me...

(I think that answered most of the ?s)

 

-Kim

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Does he have time for you at all? Do you still do things together? Do you spend time together? There are some men (and women) who can really charm the outside world..all the personality traits that attracted you to him are for the world to see. Then comes the wooing stage...he did everything to entice you into a relationship with him...including the sex. Now that you are a sure thing, his true colours are coming out. Now you have to decide whether or not you can live with this. It is not you...it is him...he might have major issues with intimacy (physical and emotional). Do you know anything about his past relationships?

[learingtocope]

I lived like that for 6 years. I say be true to you and that is being true to him. If you need/want more, he should be willing to work with you maybe not every time you want it but a lot of the time. You should never feel less because he doesn't want more. You deserved to be loved just like you want to be. (and so does he....even if it means once in a blue moo) sounds like a good friend to keep and be moving on to someone interested in the things you are.