Getting back out there, but a little disappointment to start...

[Clarity]

Hi all, so it's been roughly 10 months since my breakup with my ex (7 year LTR) and I'm finally feeling like I'm ready to start putting myself out there. This thread is mainly a short rant about a little disappointment tonight. I'm giving some background here, but if you just want to get to the point, skip past the BACKGROUND section!

 

*** BACKGROUND ***

 

I finished grad school, got a good job which I just started in my hometown, and hopefully soon enough I'll have my own (un-shared) place, car, etc. (and a lot of other things that going to school for so long have delayed). I've been working out a lot and am in the best shape of my life, I feel confident, and I feel female eyes on me more than ever before (mostly before, there were no looks whatsoever ).

 

However, I'm still shy and almost completely green when it comes to dating, approaching women, etc.. My first and only relationship, I only approached after I heard through the grapevine that my Ex liked me - now that doesn't take much guts, I'll be the first to say.

 

*** END BACKGROUND ***

 

Anyway, I didn't have eyes for any other girls for a long time since my breakup, many months. However, a couple of months ago, I played on a co-ed recreational sports team, and through it I met a bunch of new people, including this girl who caught my eye immediately. She just has this look that I fell for - I can't explain it, even personally I wouldn't state that she's "super hot" or anything, she just has this look, her eyes are so deep, she has a classic way about her that attracted me (maybe other guys know the type of feeling I'm talking about, it's beyond a sexual attraction, I could look into her eyes forever...). Anyway, I was shy, but over the season I thought we built up a good rapport, I was one of the better players on the team, which I felt helped me make a good impression. I'm not an alpha male, *except* when I'm playing sports that I'm good at. We talked a fair bit, not a lot, but we were acquaintances I would say, and I even went out of my way at one point to send her a note on how I was impressed by something she published (which she had told us to look for in a local publication). Her reply was thankful, but neutral (at which point I should have maybe clued in?). Her body language towards me was always positive, smiling a lot, initiating conversation, I would catch her looking at me sometimes, and also not being afraid to be close-up. (now I wonder if I'm making these things up?! Did I just see these signals that weren't there??)

 

So... tonight, I went a party where I thought she might show up. I was pretty excited about it because I thought this would be the best chance to advance things outside of the team setting (which I don't think is a good place to get started with these type of things). When I arrived at the party, I was greeted there by the host, and when I stepped through the door and scanned the room, I saw her in the middle of a bunch of people, but she was looking directly at me, smiling, and I smiled back. I was psyched and happy, it really seemed like positive body language. What a perfect start to the night! However, as I entered the party, not a few minutes later did she go and sit down.... on some guy's lap. Her boyfriend!! I was really disappointed. Her boyfriend was a great guy and we actually chatted quite a bit and got along well. I still had a great time at the party since there were so many friends of mine there that I hadn't seen in some time, but I'm still left with a bit of disappointment. This was the girl, the face, that filled my thoughts during my spare time. You know those daydreams?

 

I'm not broken over it and I'll move on, but I'm starting from scratch again. Thanks for hearing me out if you read this, if anyone wants to relate similar stories, I'd love to hear them.

[HajiMaji]

Haha! I know exactly how you feel. Similar situation to me, I met a girl in one of my classes. We talked for a few weeks and I was starting to like her a bit. Then one day her boyfriend picked her up after class! Like you, we chatted, and he is a real good guy. They have been together a while, and things look really good for them. I was still really disappointed though. And the word disappointment perfectly articulates how I felt. I wasnt too upset or down or depressed or anything. After all we werent much more than acquaintances, so I couldnt be that upset. But I sure was disappointed.

 

So I am with you. We are bound to run into this situation a bunch in the future. Now that we are aware of it, maybe we wont assume anything is possible until we know they are single.

[shell80]

Hey Clarity..

 

You sound like such a lovely guy -the way you described that girl was incredibly sweet and any girl would be lucky to have you.

 

Bad timing on the boyfriend situation - but at least you know how far you have come and that you are ready to jump back in the sadle again...

 

I know what you mean by starting again....seems a bit daunting, but now that you have some confidence back Im sure you'll find that women will be flocking after you.

 

Good luck!!

[Clarity]

Ah man, I know how you feel. You're right, it was always in the back of my mind that she could have a boyfriend. I even start to get paranoid at my age that all the good girls are taken (I know that's preposterous, but I can't help thinking it sometimes). However, my hopefulness always takes over, so I was just assuming she was single until I knew otherwise.

 

 

 

Thank you very much for the kind words. I don't know about women flocking after me, I'm a relatively quiet guy, so I don't stand out in a crowd in many situations, but you're right about it being a sign of being ready to get out there. If she *had* been single, I would have pursued her last night, so I suppose that's a sign of progress.

[Coyote9]

Hey Clarity...I'm sorry for your disappointment....the dating world basically sucks, as how is it we're supposed to know who is really available and who is not until we've invested some time and effort as you have? I think did all the right things for yourself here....I know "that look" is hard to resist, and I have often been one to fall for unavailable women, either emotionally or whatever. Be grateful she didn't start dating you and then still be seeing her boyfriend behind your back. Even though you're still healing from your breakup and it's hard to be vulnerable again, or even to feel those kinds of butterflies, that god you can feel again for someone other than your ex! I'm almost 8 months out and haven't met anyone that truly intrigues me in any special way. You moved through this cleanly and it shows that you are ready to meet someone...next time it will be someone with whom the timing is better.