How do I know if staying or ending it after husband cheated is best?

[Illyria]

Okay. I am in a huge predicament. I am so lost as to what I should do right now. I can‘t sleep or eat and I don‘t know if I am overreacting, but the pain just hurts so much. Almost all the stories I hear are of sex when it comes to cheating and I am pretty sure he only made out with two other woman, plus dozens of lies. I feel as if it is the same though and I can‘t stop thinking about it. I desperately need advice.

 

My husband has had porn issues and internet issues for our entire relationship, 10 years. I only found out over 4 years ago he was lying about it despite knowing I was not okay with him porning alone or any flirting with woman/kissing because my parents split over it. He started dealing with the porn slowly, but he started talking about wanting to be single and how he didn‘t get to try enough sex or woman before marrying me about a year and half ago. That was April and May last year after I caught him at the porn last year... For one week in May he left to think things through and then he was completely commited. He swore he would never do it again, but he has twice more now. Once for 24 hours after I caught him using porn again this August and off and on when he slowly trickled info to me about what had happened these last few months. It is always about him in everything since we have been together. He is financial irresponsible and he just can‘t do normal things that people do. Not even brush his teeth. I have felt something could be wrong since 8 years ago when he withdrew after our son was born, but I knew 4 years ago that at the minimum he is an addict.

 

NOW, I just found out this August and October about two woman he kissed in June and August last year. He lied in August and said co-worker got his cheek when she tried... Then, October he thought I knew about the second one and he told me she caught him off his guard. Both times they flirted with him once he was alone even though they knew we were married(thought he was chatting with a friend/superior officer and then his friends went to bed and left him alone with the second girl) He was drunk when he wasn‘t supposed to be in both situations because of our agreements and far from home. He slept at work 2 hours away the first time and the second girl was in the same house in the morning. In the second, he was more to blame, he complimented her thighs and she moved in for the kill.

 

The truth finally came out last night. They did not kiss him although they proposed it. He kissed them and it wasn‘t 5 seconds like he lied about the first time, it was a minute. And the real problem is the second one he was really attracted to and they talked after kissing and then she crawled on him and kissed him some more. BOTH whores were in a relationship so he thought he was fairly safe around them originally. He also told me he has met other woman he wanted to get to know though but hasn‘t and he did feel connect with both of these woman because they are willing to be more accepting of sexual freedom(2nd was Bi and first fine with porn). I absolutely won‘t screw with other people‘s sex or saliva... or allow someone to risk STDs for me(unless we are doing bar roleplaying together)... Honestly, I do not even look or flirt. Thought that was the normal when you care about someone and want to protect your relationship! I was fine with porn together until he lied for 5 years to me about it.

 

Okay, so what is the verdict. Did he cheat or is this a drunken mistake because he was put in a bad situation to begin with? Should I even let the alcohol(that he wasn't supposed to be drinking) be a part of my decision? Am I stupid to try to make 10 years work? I am so damn angry and devastated at the same time. I know he was always checking out other woman secretly, but I never thought he would take it off the internet or do more than look. I really believed we were doing better. I always thought there would be another step, like regular online dialog before he started doing stuff with other woman. He had stopped using porn behind my back hardly at all and went over 6 months so I was so shocked because I thought things were better. He had these magical connection experiences and I can‘t remember the last time I felt that way with him. He doesn‘t even kiss me anymore. Since I found out he seems to be avoiding it even more. The last 8 years there is no romance on his part. Just sex very frequently except when he got in funks and wouldn‘t touch me. He is so boring in bed and never lets us be creative, plus small but I could deal with that and I figured it would get better when he got the help for the porn addiction he kept promising to do.

 

Until after this happened, he had been the most miserable, moody, and nasty person to married to for the last 8 years since we had our son. HE is very manipulative too. I didn‘t know about the kisses until just the last months, but after he has this happen the last year he has gotten slightly better and actually participates in family stuff and been more caring. It was like he wanted to be here for the first time. I just don‘t know what I am doing anymore. He actually told me that Wed. the work guys were going to Hooters again and harassed him for not going this time(he isn‘t supposed to go along by agreement because he fantasizes about woman). Is he just saying these things to make me feel like trusting him? I found out he has been to Hooters 3 times and four strips clubs since we have been married to which the agreement was we go together if he goes. All the lies... It hurts so much. I think I have the truth now and I wish he had just sexed them so I could have not felt stuck in the grey zone. He is finally willing to go to therapy and even went last Wed.(thus the reveal after). I don‘t know what to do. I wish someone would just tell me so I don‘t have to feel like I will screw up anymore of my life.

 

 

I am so tired and so alone because I have no family basically between distance(he moved me over 13hrs from family) and trust issues. I don‘t know how I could leave financially and still take care of my child with low income because my son has autism and I can‘t work even. My husband was the first person I was ever with sexually and he was the first person I really trusted. He has broken my heart and promises over and over again through the years and yet I am still here. I don‘t want to be here if there is a chance he will never stop yet I don‘t want to give up on all the reasons I wanted to be together. I feel torn in two. I feel like he crossed the line of cheating and now he will just do it again and he admits he craves the independence and sex of being single even though he doesn't want to lose me. I don't know how I can ever trust him again. I told him I would never accept cheating and going back on my word seems like an invitation for trouble. Am I wrong? Can counseling help someone like this that is 30 or is he too hardwired to change? Help please?

 

Full details are on womansavers . com under Illyria - particularly one topic called Should drunkness decide whether to forgive? or something like that : ) Too long to post all here.

[frail]

Read my signature below.

[toshiba]

I don‘t know if I am overreacting, but the pain just hurts so much. Almost all the stories I hear are of sex when it comes to cheating and I am pretty sure he only made out with two other woman, plus dozens of lies. I feel as if it is the same though and I can‘t stop thinking about it.

You know when I was in your shoes, I remember wanting a definition of "cheating" as well.

 

I'll give you a real definition in a minute but first I want to tell you a better one: If you have to ask the question about if your partner is cheating....they are......"

 

I know how you feel. When you're being cheating on, things start to get confusing. You start to lose your sense of reality and your partner usually contributes to that by making you think you're crazy for thinking what you're thinking.

 

Here's the best way to determine if you're being cheated on.....

 

Would your partner tell you what he's doing with the other person(s)?

 

If the answer is "no", then it's "cheating".

 

 

 

The truth finally came out last night. They did not kiss him although they proposed it. He kissed them and it wasn‘t 5 seconds like he lied about the first time, it was a minute.

Seconds....minutes...the amount of time it lasted doesn't matter.

 

Okay, so what is the verdict. Did he cheat or is this a drunken mistake because he was put in a bad situation to begin with?

I think you know the answer to that, don't you?

 

 

Should I even let the alcohol(that he wasn't supposed to be drinking) be a part of my decision?

 

You know the answer to that too.

 

Am I stupid to try to make 10 years work?

 

10 years hasn't worked so far, has it?

 

And exactly, what does 10 years of lies mean to you?

 

Until after this happened, he had been the most miserable, moody, and nasty person to married to for the last 8 years since we had our son. HE is very manipulative too. I didn‘t know about the kisses until just the last months, but after he has this happen the last year he has gotten slightly better and actually participates in family stuff and been more caring. It was like he wanted to be here for the first time. I just don‘t know what I am doing anymore. He actually told me that Wed. the work guys were going to Hooters again and harassed him for not going this time(he isn‘t supposed to go along by agreement because he fantasizes about woman). Is he just saying these things to make me feel like trusting him?

 

I think your answer to that last line lies in the text....."he is very manipulative."

 

 

 

I don‘t know what to do. I wish someone would just tell me so I don‘t have to feel like I will screw up anymore of my life.

 

No one can tell you what to do. But you've got most of your answers right in front of you.

 

I am so tired and so alone because I have no family basically between distance(he moved me over 13hrs from family) and trust issues. I don‘t know how I could leave financially and still take care of my child with low income because my son has autism and I can‘t work even.

 

There are resources...start looking into them. Call womens support centers for advice. They're listed in the phone book.

[Poe]

You have a problem with him watching porn? He's a guy! He's not sexually constructed the same way you are. Just because it's easier for you not to, doesn't mean it's as easy for him. He's a biological male before he's your husband.

 

Cheating is cheating and cheating is wrong, but honestly with such tight reigns, it would put me in a bad mood too.

 

I am not suggesting AT ALL that this is in any way "your fault" - like I said cheating is cheating is cheating, and it is disgusting and it is wrong. However, If this marriage is important to you, you might want to consider marital and sexual counseling, and try to avoid imposing restrictions.

[toshiba]

You have a problem with him watching porn? He's a guy! He's not sexually constructed the same way you are. Just because it's easier for you not to, doesn't mean it's as easy for him. He's a biological male before he's your husband.

 

Cheating is cheating and cheating is wrong, but honestly with such tight reigns, it would put me in a bad mood too.

 

I am not suggesting AT ALL that this is in any way "your fault" - like I said cheating is cheating is cheating, and it is disgusting and it is wrong. However, If this marriage is important to you, you might want to consider marital and sexual counseling, and try to avoid imposing restrictions.

 

You can't be serious, right?

 

So if it's a biological male to be like him, then I say she should shoot him and blame it on PMS....biological female.......

 

lol

[Poe]

I think you misread my post despite my insistence that cheating is wrong and I do not condone his behavior. I was merely stating that that could easily be a catalyst. For me, it'd be enough to have me leave a relationship. As far as marriage... I don't know. I'm far from addicted, but I think that is a pretty tight leash to tolerate.

[toshiba]

I think you misread my post despite my insistence that cheating is wrong and I do not condone his behavior. I was merely stating that that could easily be a catalyst. For me, it'd be enough to have me leave a relationship. As far as marriage... I don't know. I'm far from addicted, but I think that is a pretty tight leash to tolerate.

 

You're not being very clear but I'm going to try to read between the lines....are you indicating that a restriction of PORN is what would be a catalyst for you to cheat or to leave a relationship?

 

I'm guessing that's what you're saying even though you're not coming out and saying it directly.

 

Again....I'll disagree. If you (personally) are that attached to porn that it jeapardizes your relationships, then you have a problem with it. I'm afraid that it's not a male necessity. You see, there once was a time before the internet.....before DVD's.....before VCR's.....

 

There was only Playboy magazine and it didn't show all that much. And most men out there didn't read it regularly. Some just saw a copy of it on a rare occasion. \

 

And these men lived just fine. As a matter of fact, there was less cheating going on then than goes on now. That's quite the opposite of what you're saying should happen.

 

My ex..who I lived with for years..had a couple of porn videos that he already had when I met him but he never watched them. I wanted to watch them because I never saw one before (at that time). So I saw one and saw what they were like and neither one of us really cared. They looked pretty laughable.

 

And when porn first came out on the interent we both looked at it to see what was out there but that was it. I never found him checking out porn and I know a lot about computers so I'd know how to find out. Occasionally it would come up in his email and he'd open it (this was when it was new in emails and no one knew it was spam) but he didnt' hide it from me and I really couldn't care less that he opened it because I knew that it wasnt' a big deal to him. He didn't go looking for it. He wasn't obsessed with it. He didn't HAVE to have it.

 

And my ex was several years younger than me. At the time he was in his late 20's to early 30's. So he was still a young male.

 

This is why I have to disagree with you. I know plenty of guys who don't have to look at porn.

[doyathink]

I find that so ridiculous. To leave your partner because you can't watch porn? That is a deal breaker? There are actually men out there that would rather watch porn then to keep their relationship? Does it keep you warm at night? Does it love you? And I'm pretty sure it doesn't make love back to you...it's a one sided love affair if you ask me. lol

[Poe]

You're not being very clear but I'm going to try to read between the lines....are you indicating that a restriction of PORN is what would be a catalyst for you to cheat or to leave a relationship?

 

I'm guessing that's what you're saying even though you're not coming out and saying it directly.

 

Actually, I am making myself absolutely clear. You are attempting to take this out of context. Let me make this clear for the third time... do NOT "read between the lines", assume that I mean things that I am not saying, or put words in my mouth.

 

I said that it would "put me in a bad mood" ie is a catalyst for problems. Since I started dating I have NEVER cheated on ANY of my relationships. So who are you to try to read what I mean, from an online message forum, with the fact that you do not know me at all?

 

Perhaps there are some men that would consider this causation enough to cheat. I do not.

 

Again....I'll disagree. If you (personally) are that attached to porn that it jeapardizes your relationships, then you have a problem with it. I'm afraid that it's not a male necessity. You see, there once was a time before the internet.....before DVD's.....before VCR's.....

 

How is watching porn jeopardizing the relationship? How can you be so sure it's the mans fault for watching it, and not the womans for being uptight about it? I never implied it was a "necessity" but you clearly do not understand the different ways in which men and women are biologically constructed. And actually, male interest in sexuality, though more obtrusive than a womans, has always been around. Before DVDs and before VCRs. Read a few books if you don't believe me, perversions of such has been around since the Victorian Age and earlier.

 

And lastly, you are not in a position to dictate what is a male necessity unless you are psychologist or heath professional of some sorts.

 

There was only Playboy magazine and it didn't show all that much. And most men out there didn't read it regularly. Some just saw a copy of it on a rare occasion.

 

Playboy is a poor choice of comparison, as yes it the most modest and conservative side of porn and if you read anything that any of the editors or owners of Playboy have said, you will know they do not consider their magazine "smut" or anything of the like, rather the classy appreciation of sexuality and nudity. A far stretch from "porn" unless you are going to consider naked women in classic greco-roman artwork porn as well. And regarding what you said about men not reading it... not being a man yourself, I sincerely doubt you are privy to such exclusive boy-talk. It's not something smart guys tend to discuss openly around girlfriends and wives.

 

And these men lived just fine. As a matter of fact, there was less cheating going on then than goes on now. That's quite the opposite of what you're saying should happen.

 

You're making a correlation between porn and cheating. Honestly, in my opinion, you aren't much of a principled person if a few smut videos is going to make or break your whole concept of morality, truthfulness, and fidelity in a relationship. However, I can't prove that one way or another. You're implying that since less cheating was happening, and there was less porn available, the two are somehow correlated?

 

I wasn't looking to make the case that watching porno and infidelity are somehow correlated. Even if they were, I seriously reconsider my relationship if I had such restrictions imposed upon me. If I have been nothing but honest and truthful to my significant other, and give her no reason to mistrust me, who is she to lay down such restrictions just to calm her unjustified insecurities? Do you really think the divorce rates are due to watching porn? What kind of nonsense is this?

 

My ex..who I lived with for years..had a couple of porn videos that he already had when I met him but he never watched them. I wanted to watch them because I never saw one before (at that time). So I saw one and saw what they were like and neither one of us really cared. They looked pretty laughable.

 

If he owned it, and saw you were not pleased with it, I am sure that he would pretend not to care. But he did shell out his own hard earned cash to buy it, so obviously it was an intentional purchase.

 

Just because it doesn't turn YOU on doesn't mean it's "laughable". Women don't react the way to sexuality the way men do. Women tend to associate sexuality based upon confidence, feelings, emotions, the aura, the romance... all these things and all similar play a huge role in how a woman associates with her sexuality. For men, it's much more simple, and much more physical. Keep in mind too there are social stereotypes which ostracize women for being too sexual and favor men for being the same. It's not fair, but it's the way it is. It's easier for you to laugh it off because you were not designed, socially or biologically, to react to it the same way a man would. That you have a man explaining that to you is lamentable.

 

These are facts. Go read some books on human physiology and human psychology if you think I am just trying to advocate porn here, because I am not. I am advocating that men should not have to ask their wives or girlfriends permission to watch porn.

 

And when porn first came out on the interent we both looked at it to see what was out there but that was it. I never found him checking out porn and I know a lot about computers so I'd know how to find out. Occasionally it would come up in his email and he'd open it (this was when it was new in emails and no one knew it was spam) but he didnt' hide it from me and I really couldn't care less that he opened it because I knew that it wasnt' a big deal to him. He didn't go looking for it. He wasn't obsessed with it. He didn't HAVE to have it.

 

Fair enough, neither do I. However, a healthy sexual appetite is what makes us all human. Women are programmed to suppress it, and labeled as "sluts" when they do not. Men are encouraged, biologically and through society, to embrace it. I don't think there is anything better than a healthy sexual appetite. He probably said it wasn't a big deal to him because you would actually take the time to read his emails, I'm assuming over his shoulders, to check out the porn spam he got? If I had a woman doing that to me, I'd say the same thing. It's obviously not worth fighting about.

 

And my ex was several years younger than me. At the time he was in his late 20's to early 30's. So he was still a young male.

 

Younger males tend to have a more intense sex drive. A man in their 20s is still in their sexual prime. It is not a marker of sexual immaturity.

 

This is why I have to disagree with you. I know plenty of guys who don't have to look at porn.

 

These guys probably tell you that just because it is what you want to hear. I really wouldn't sit there and have an argument over something I consider very trivial. I think most guys would agree with me here. It would be as condescending and controlling as telling him what to wear in the morning. Let him be a man... What exactly are you reading into this? What is the problem with porn? Because you think he might be cheating as a result? Because you're afraid he finds other women attractive? If you think you are going to lose out to porn, well something is terribly wrong. It's as natural as can be, and don't knock it because you don't understand it and cannot relate to it. If you ask me, this creates some terribly confining conditions in a relationship.

 

Perhaps you should isolate the reasons WHY porn bothers you?

 

I find that so ridiculous. To leave your partner because you can't watch porn? That is a deal breaker? There are actually men out there that would rather watch porn then to keep their relationship? Does it keep you warm at night? Does it love you? And I'm pretty sure it doesn't make love back to you...it's a one sided love affair if you ask me. lol

 

I consider myself successful in dating in that I typically date attractive women who have alot to offer. And there are ups and downs. But I am not desperate enough that I would have consider sacrificing things that I consider to be natural just to have a cuddle buddy. I'd rather spend my time finding someone who can trust me and accept me without needing to impose trivial restraints. It's not so much that I watch alot of porn, but the mere fact that I do not want a woman to impose herself upon my free will to pretty much do what I please, within the confines of a traditional relationship. Not without a really good reason anyway, and insecurity is not a good enough reason.

 

If I met a woman who pretended that I was the ONLY guy she was attracted to, I would assume she is at least phony and at most a liar.

[toshiba]

Actually, I am making myself absolutely clear. You are attempting to take this out of context. Let me make this clear for the third time... do NOT "read between the lines", assume that I mean things that I am not saying, or put words in my mouth.

 

I said that it would "put me in a bad mood" ie is a catalyst for problems. Since I started dating I have NEVER cheated on ANY of my relationships. So who are you to try to read what I mean, from an online message forum, with the fact that you do not know me at all?

 

Perhaps there are some men that would consider this causation enough to cheat. I do not.

 

 

I'd like to respond to this part separately to define what I mean about the confusion.

You keep using words like "this". What is the "this" you're referring to here?

(as in your last sentence)

 

That is where I'm stating you're unclear and that is where I'm stating that I've had to read between the lines and guess at what you're saying.

 

My guess is that you meant "porn" but yet, in the beginning sentences here, you're stating that I was mistaken.

 

So clear me up on what "this" is please. Is "this" meaning "porn" or not?

[toshiba]

 

How is watching porn jeopardizing the relationship? How can you be so sure it's the mans fault for watching it, and not the womans for being uptight about it? I never implied it was a "necessity" but you clearly do not understand the different ways in which men and women are biologically constructed. And actually, male interest in sexuality, though more obtrusive than a womans, has always been around. Before DVDs and before VCRs. Read a few books if you don't believe me, perversions of such has been around since the Victorian Age and earlier.

 

I've been around a long time and I understand very well what men are like. It sounds to me like you're trying to justify your own behavior as "normal" because you're not wanting to see it as a problem. Your intense preoccupation with porn is a problem and they have even considered classifying it in the DSM as such.

 

Here are the criteria they base it on:

 

• Recurrent failure to resist impulses to engage in a specified behavior
  
• Increasing sense of tension immediately prior to initiating the behavior
  
• Pleasure or relief at the time of engaging in the behavior
   
  At least five of the following:
   
  
• Frequent preoccupation with the behavior or with activity that is preparatory to the behavior
  
• Frequent engaging in the behavior to a greater extent or over a longer period than intended
  
• Repeated efforts to reduce, control, or stop the behavior
  
• A great deal of time spent in activities necessary for the behavior, engaging in the behavior, or recovering from its effects
  
• Frequent engaging in the behavior when expected to fulfill occupational, academic, domestic or social obligations
  
• Important social, occupational, or recreational activities given up or reduced because of the behavior
  
• Continuation of the behavior despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent social, financial, psychological, or physical problem that is caused or exacerbated by the behavior
  
• Tolerance: need to increase the intensity or frequency of the behavior in order to achieve the desired effect, or diminished effect with continued behavior of the same intensity
  
• Restlessness or irritability if unable to engage in the behavior
   
  Some symptoms of the disturbance have persisted for at least one month, or have occurred repeatedly over a longer period of time
  

[doyathink]

Poe, do you have any idea how many posts I've read here ....from MEN...who do make a correlation between porn and cheating?

Some have outright said that if they didn't watch porn, that they would cheat. So, your very own gender has claimed that...thats where we got the idea...cause men have said it! lol

 

Women tend to associate sexuality based upon confidence, feelings, emotions, the aura, the romance.For men, it's much more simple, and much more physical.

If men only want sex from a woman, then why get married? Why have a relationship? If all you seek is sex, get that off a bar fling. Watch all the porn you want too. If you're single, beat yourself to a pulp and no one will say a word. lol...

If men are truly not interested in an emotional, meaningful...loving relationship, then I don't understand why you would want to settle down.

[Aleadragonhawk]

This argument isn't really benefiting the OP.

[toshiba]

 

And regarding what you said about men not reading it... not being a man yourself, I sincerely doubt you are privy to such exclusive boy-talk. It's not something smart guys tend to discuss openly around girlfriends and wives.

 

I've been in strip clubs with a guy. As a woman, I might have even seen more "male" places than you have. You'd be surprised what men have talked to me about. That's how I know that there are all sorts of men and they arent all into porn. And the ones who were into porn were not decent guys and that extended into many areas.

 

You're making a correlation between porn and cheating. Honestly, in my opinion, you aren't much of a principled person if a few smut videos is going to make or break your whole concept of morality, truthfulness, and fidelity in a relationship. However, I can't prove that one way or another. You're implying that since less cheating was happening, and there was less porn available, the two are somehow correlated?

 

I wasn't looking to make the case that watching porno and infidelity are somehow correlated. Even if they were, I seriously reconsider my relationship if I had such restrictions imposed upon me. If I have been nothing but honest and truthful to my significant other, and give her no reason to mistrust me, who is she to lay down such restrictions just to calm her unjustified insecurities? Do you really think the divorce rates are due to watching porn? What kind of nonsense is this?

 

I'm not making the correlation between the two at all. I was referring to your own cheating and porn reference. There may be a correlation but I wasn't making it here.

 

If he owned it, and saw you were not pleased with it, I am sure that he would pretend not to care. But he did shell out his own hard earned cash to buy it, so obviously it was an intentional purchase.

 

He worked at an apartment complex. He used to find all kinds of perfectly good things that people would throw away and one time he some porn videos and that's how he got them. Him spend money? HA! He didn't have money to spend. Besides, there was no internet to order porn videos from and selling porn videos was illegal in our state.

 

Just because it doesn't turn YOU on doesn't mean it's "laughable". Women don't react the way to sexuality the way men do. Women tend to associate sexuality based upon confidence, feelings, emotions, the aura, the romance... all these things and all similar play a huge role in how a woman associates with her sexuality. For men, it's much more simple, and much more physical. Keep in mind too there are social stereotypes which ostracize women for being too sexual and favor men for being the same. It's not fair, but it's the way it is. It's easier for you to laugh it off because you were not designed, socially or biologically, to react to it the same way a man would. That you have a man explaining that to you is lamentable.

 

If you recall....I'M the one who wanted to watch the video....not him. He had the videos stored away in a box in the basement. I was the one who wanted to see one because I'd never seen one before. Although seeing one was enough for me. That kind of throws off the "it's a man thing" theory.

 

These are facts. Go read some books on human physiology and human psychology if you think I am just trying to advocate porn here, because I am not. I am advocating that men should not have to ask their wives or girlfriends permission to watch porn.

 

So if I read those books they'll tell me how porn is necessary for males, right?

 

 

He probably said it wasn't a big deal to him because you would actually take the time to read his emails, I'm assuming over his shoulders, to check out the porn spam he got? If I had a woman doing that to me, I'd say the same thing. It's obviously not worth fighting about.

 

Why would I have to read over his shoulder? I got porn spam too. He didnt have to hide anything from me.

 

 

Perhaps you should isolate the reasons WHY porn bothers you?

 

What's bothersome is when its additive. What's bothersome is when it's hidden. What's bothersome is when it bothers your partner but you do it anyway.

 

 

Keep in mind....addictiveness does not mean that you have to watch a LOT of porn. It means that you can't do without it.

 

 

 

Btw, if you have a serious girlfriend (not just a casual one), what would you think if you're girlfriend wanted another man in bed?

[bunny2007]

Hi everyone, I just wanted to say that I have been in my relationship for 10 years and I never had issues with my partner looking at porn even though I used to come home sometimes after being away visting my family and a couple of times my computer was full of viruses, so much so I had to have completely wiped and reset which took up alot of time for me.

But little did I realise that he was visting prostitutes for the last seven years and to cut a long story short he has a sexual compulsive/addictive disorder and my councillor has said the porn often fuelled the fire.

 

Thats not to say he wouldn't of done it without the porn but I all that time I thought it was harmless he looked at it but it got out of control. he has said himself that when he watched the porn is when he would go and do something like it spurred him on.

 

So what I m trying to say is I think sometimes we need to keep an eye on things that are getting unhealthy and habits which are getting out of control.

[CallingAllAngels]

Illyria...

 

I am so sorry...

 

My story is long, but I will give you the jist of it...

 

Seems that porn is going to be the "downfall" of marriage.

 

My husband was addicted to porn. I asked him to stop...I got on the sites he looked at...it was appalling, but, I just "looked the other way"...I figured if he was "just looking" at home, he was not "acting out", and perhaps this was "normal????" He said it was.

 

How wrong I was. I started getting finding stuff like "woman seeking men in the (blank) area". I asked him "are you looking for women online???" He acted APPALLED" OH NO ALLIE....THOSE ARE JUST POP UP ADDS.

 

His demenor changed as well. He became angry at NOTHING....explosively angry...our sex life became "raunchy"...I felt like he had been with someone else...in fact...I knew it in my soul. I started making excused not to be with him. He did not seem to care.

 

Right after Christmas of last year, I found out that, for the past 5 years, he has been meeting woman in person that he met on-line for sex. Complete strangers. He did not even know there names. And going to strip clubs. Have sex with strippers...probably prostitues or hookers too. Sometimes with a condom, sometimes with out.

 

I was HORRIFIED...I trusted this man with my heart and soul. He was the LAST person on EARTH I would EVER suspect would do such a thing. He used to say men who cheated on their wives were b***tards. When all this came to light...I could not even function...I collapsed on the floor.

 

One day, I had a beautiful home and a husband I love.

 

The next day, I realized for 12 years, I was married to a complete stranger.

 

His first affair started 2 years into our marriage...with a co-worker...I suspected something was going on...asked him about it repeatedly...he denied it right to my face...he admitted last December that it was a full blown 3 year affair.

 

The porn affairs started in 2004 or 2005...he "doesn't remember", and "doesn't remember" how many. He remembers...he just likes to torture me.

 

I left him in January 1, 2007 simply because I could not stand the fact that I had been married and shared the past 12 years of my life with a man I did not know. He had done all these things, yet come home to me, layed in bed next to me each night, lived with me, made love to me, yet had this "double life???" Too much emotionally to bear. I just "broke"...and I am still broken.

 

So...I don't buy the fact that your husband "just kissed" anyone...sorry...I think it was MUCH more than that.

 

Unfortunately, like I said...porn is ruining more marriage than not.

 

I wish you the best...

 

~Allie

[toshiba]

Allie, you brought up something I had wanted to mention in my post. I, too, don't believe her husband just kissed those women. That line has been used by so many cheating men before that it's not even funny. She would be deluding herself if she think that he just kissed them.

 

But the fact remains, even if he only kissed them, it's still cheating.

[guy.lepage]

I've been in strip clubs with a guy. As a woman, I might have even seen more "male" places than you have. You'd be surprised what men have talked to me about. That's how I know that there are all sorts of men and they arent all into porn. And the ones who were into porn were not decent guys and that extended into many areas.

 

I think this kind of judgment is so archaic I think the only people who could make such a statement are frustrated feminists in their fifties.

 

Porn is just like alcohol. Some make good use of it and some don't. Too much of anything, even water or oxygen, will kill you.

[toshiba]

I think this kind of judgment is so archaic I think the only people who could make such a statement are frustrated feminists in their fifties.

 

Porn is just like alcohol. Some make good use of it and some don't. Too much of anything, even water or oxygen, will kill you.

 

Let me clarify....when I say "into porn", I mean they have to have porn. I know all men check out porn (and plenty of women do too). But not all men have to have it. That's what I mean by "into porn".

 

And yes, all of those that I've known that were addicted to porn had a multitude of other problems and, now that you've gotten me thinking about it, everyone of them that i can think of, had cheated.

 

Porn addiction is just like any other addiction. You don't often see the addiction without other problems attached to it such as cheating, dishonesty,etc..... This is true of alcohol addiction, drug addiction, gambling, and any of the others.

 

 

And what is a frustrated feminist in their fifties? I'm not frustrated and I'm not in my fifties. And if feminism means speaking up for women, well yes, then count me in.

[guy.lepage]

Let me clarify....when I say "into porn", I mean they have to have porn. I know all men check out porn (and plenty of women do too). But not all men have to have it. That's what I mean by "into porn".

 

And yes, all of those that I've known that were addicted to porn had a multitude of other problems and, now that you've gotten me thinking about it, everyone of them that i can think of, had cheated.

 

And what is a frustrated feminist in their fifties? I'm not frustrated and I'm not in my fifties. And if feminism means speaking up for women, well yes, then count me in.

 

That clarifies it and now I agree with you. A bit of porn every now and then is healthy. Too much porn isn't. And people who are totally against porn aren't totally healthy either.

[toshiba]

That clarifies it and now I agree with you. A bit of porn every now and then is healthy. Too much porn isn't. And people who are totally against porn aren't totally healthy either.

 

Close, but.....

I really don't think that the terms "porn" and "healthy" go together. I think that's taking it a bit too far.

 

I would say that most men and some women have an interest in looking at porn at times and that it shouldn't be deemed as perverse unless they become addicted to it. Addicted being defined as having the need to view it and becoming upset or angry when it is withheld.

[guy.lepage]

Close, but.....

I really don't think that the terms "porn" and "healthy" go together. I think that's taking it a bit too far.

 

I would say that most men and some women have an interest in looking at porn at times and that it shouldn't be deemed as perverse unless they become addicted to it. Addicted being defined as having the need to view it and becoming upset or angry when it is withheld.

 

Alright, I think we can agree that we slightly disagree on this. I don't believe in total repression, whether we are talking about sex or food or other beliefs.

 

A long time ago I was dating this girl in university and things were going great. I didn't watch much porn because it becomes redundant. Anyhow, it was never very important to me.

 

One day my girlfriend tells me how she's against the idea that I might watch porn. We split. Had she asked me to stop drinking alcohol, I would've split. I hardly ever watch porn and I hardly ever drink. It's important for me that my partner does not perceive these things as unhealthy as long as I don't overdo it.

 

A well diversified sex life is important.

[toshiba]

One day my girlfriend tells me how she's against the idea that I might watch porn. We split. Had she asked me to stop drinking alcohol, I would've split. I hardly ever watch porn and I hardly ever drink. It's important for me that my partner does not perceive these things as unhealthy as long as I don't overdo it.

 

Well, I'm wondering if you asked her why she felt that way.

 

A well diversified sex life is important.

 

What does watching porn have to do with a well-diversified sex life? Now I know this is hard to believe in this age of the Internet, but you don't have sex with a computer. You have sex with a person.

[guy.lepage]

Well, I'm wondering if you asked her why she felt that way.

 

What does watching porn have to do with a well-diversified sex life? Now I know this is hard to believe in this age of the Internet, but you don't have sex with a computer. You have sex with a person.

 

And you never masturbate?

[toshiba]

And you never masturbate?

 

 

So you're saying that the fact that you masturbate gives you a well diversified sex life??? This is getting really illogical now.

 

I guess then apes have well diversified sex lives too! They have been known to masturbate. Should we hook them up to the Internet and let them watch ape porn?