Going backwards?

[Vismund_Cygnus]

Greetings All,

 

Well its been 2 months since the break up and one week since the thanksgiving drama (see previous post for more on that) When this all started and we first broke up I seemed to take the break up pretty well, I was stressed but I was able to look forward to things, maybe this is due to how bad things were getting toward the end and the lack of resolving anything by both parties so I was physically and mentally drained, so stepping out of that and not talking to her was somewhat of a relief. For the most part I managed to maintain a positive attitude about everything. But somewhere within the past 2 weeks it feels like I’ve taken a huge step back, her breaking NC on thanksgiving and telling me what she told me (“my new bf”, “I miss you” may have made the situation worse, but this started even before that incident. I don’t know if I tried to fool myself into thinking I was getting over everything, or if I didn’t put enough thought into the relationship and its demise, or reflect on it, but whatever it is seems to be catching up to me right now.

 

I feel like I’ve fallen into a MAJOR slump emotionally. It’s gone back to where I can’t stop thinking about her and the breakup and its tearing me up. Since we broke up I haven’t really felt any great amount of pain until lately and maybe that’s because I finally started to go back and think about the relationship and the problems and how they could have been worked out. Its funny how the solutions to ones problems becomes so much clearer when the relationship is already over with and its too late but when you’re still in the relationship it doesn’t occur to you and you think you want out. I’ve been thinking about all of the “what if’s” and “could haves” Now that I look back on it the major issue we had was lack of communication, but if we both would have just used some common sense and stuck through the problems together while never neglecting that sense of love and caring for each other as we did (rather than sit and talk about our problems sincerely and with a common goal to end our discussions or debates as two people who love each other, they would end in bitterness, lack of affection afterwards, detachment, silence, and distance)

 

Now that I think about that I sit and ask myself “why the heck didn’t I do that? Maybe if id been less cold during these moments we’d be happily together today” and I drive myself crazy. It just feels like I haven’t really experienced the impact of the loss until now, I feel like I’ve lost my best friend and a whole lot of it was my own doing, because I could at least give her the credit of trying alot harder than I did those last few months. She tried to make time for us, id turn it down a lot. Shed beg and cry and say how much I mean to her and that all she wants is for us to stick together and work things out, I’d remain silent, I was very bitter in my responses or lacking any responses at all, my reply to almost everything was “if we cant even get along as friends then how can you even see a future?” which would make her feel worse, until it ultimately became too much and it ended, I didn’t do the greatest job in showing her how much she meant to me, and now im going through this guilt trip over it all.

 

I’m not trying to take in all the blame for things not working, because I know it takes two to make a relationship work. But now 2 months later I feel a sense of appreciation for her, what she meant to me, how she was always there for me, how she was my best friend, and I couldn’t even tell her that but instead let her keep feeling like she didn’t mean that much to me. That’s the major regret I have, not letting her know how grateful I was for everything and for our time together while she was still around. I hate the fact that things ended as bitter as they did, I never wanted it that way. I ended up writing her a letter (with the intention of sending it to her) telling her of the things I never got to tell her, about being grateful and her being like my best friend for the past 2 years, pretty much a big thank you letter for all her time. It does not mention me missing her, or me wanting to speak to her, or asking for a reply, or asking for her back (even if I wanted to that’s not a possibility because shes found a new guy) just a thanks for everything I didn’t get to thank her for. Now I have NOT sent this to her, because I have mixed feelings about it due to 3rd party opinions, half of my friends say I should never send it to her for various reasons and the other half including my mother say if she does mean something to me that I should if it makes me feel better to let those things go and get any words off my chest. I decided to sit on it for a while to see if I feel any different about it a few weeks from now. I’d hate to regret doing anything later. I just feel like im in a very fragile state at the moment, I miss her, id like to see her, talk to her, anything, I know I wont call her or do anything stupid like that cause I know what I’d be setting myself up for. At the same time I know I’d probably give in to any communication she attempts to make, if any, which I doubt.

 

This was quite a lengthy rant so again I thank anyone who took the time of day to read it, this really is a great place to come to when things become too much to handle and is full of people with great words of wisdom and advice, thanks guys

[faith_8]

I'm sorry if I don't have any wise words or advice for you, but I do understand your situation. My ex and I also would have worked out if we had been better at communicating. Rather than sit and talk about our problems sincerely and with a common goal to end our discussions or debates as two people who love each other, they would end in bitterness, lack of affection afterwards, detachment, silence, and distance) I beat myself up for it everyday for not trying as hard as he did and throwing his efforts back in his face and for letting things crumble. Knowing that things could have been saved if I had acted differently just kills me inside. Its the hardest thing I've had to face. Its been two weeks and I hope he sees like you did that things can work out if we try again now that we know what our problems are. Its scary to think that this really is it.

[Vismund_Cygnus]

it is a scary thought, but unlike in your situation mine has already been going on for 2 months, so i believe this is it for us...all i can possibly imagine doing anymore is letting her know that she was the most important thing that happened to me and that im thankful for all our time together when we did have it, and best wishes to her. hang in there..its only been 2 weeks for you so there may be a shed of light for you guys...and if not, at least a valuable lesson is to be learned from all this

[faith_8]

it is a scary thought, but unlike in your situation mine has already been going on for 2 months, so i believe this is it for us...all i can possibly imagine doing anymore is letting her know that she was the most important thing that happened to me and that im thankful for all our time together when we did have it, and best wishes to her. hang in there..its only been 2 weeks for you so there may be a shed of light for you guys...and if not, at least a valuable lesson is to be learned from all this

 

Yeah. Sometimes love isn't enough to help a couple whos communication has broke down. I'm reading books and researching how to communicate effectively now. It's something I want to work on cuz I know I'm weak at it. I don't want this to happen again...with him or a new love that comes into my life. *sigh* You say that there's hope, but I have an intuitive feeling that I will probably surpass your 2 months...I'll keep you updated!

[Vismund_Cygnus]

Yeah. Sometimes love isn't enough to help a couple whos communication has broke down. I'm reading books and researching how to communicate effectively now. It's something I want to work on cuz I know I'm weak at it. I don't want this to happen again...with him or a new love that comes into my life. *sigh* You say that there's hope, but I have an intuitive feeling that I will probably surpass your 2 months...I'll keep you updated!

 

i know what you mean, ive been doing tons of research for a while now, even while still in the relationship, but for whatever stupid reason i chose not to try so hard to apply what i was reading and learning and we just kinda let things fall apart, this is the only serious relationship ive had so i would hope i can learn alot from it...so that i can apply it to a future relationship someday...i wish you the best..from my experience they dont come back for a while if at all, in my case she already found someone else...hang in there!

[faith_8]

i know what you mean, ive been doing tons of research for a while now, even while still in the relationship, but for whatever stupid reason i chose not to try so hard to apply what i was reading and learning and we just kinda let things fall apart, this is the only serious relationship ive had so i would hope i can learn alot from it...so that i can apply it to a future relationship someday...i wish you the best..from my experience they dont come back for a while if at all, in my case she already found someone else...hang in there!

 

At all? That hurts. We were together for 8 yrs. (from 20-28)and I really would be crushed if I had to live totally without him in my life. We have to be at least friends later down on the line. I don't think I can accept anything less than that, but I know right now its not possible to be friends...too many emotions in the way. I don't think you can have a relationship with someone for 8 yrs and throw it all completely away and not even be friends.....can you? I mean, you shared so much with this person.

 

I have to be patient and let myself get stronger emotionally before I can find out. The waiting and letting time pass is the hardest thing. I wish I could just fast forward time to see what was going to happen.

[Vismund_Cygnus]

At all? That hurts. We were together for 8 yrs. (from 20-28)and I really would be crushed if I had to live totally without him in my life. We have to be at least friends later down on the line. I don't think I can accept anything less than that, but I know right now its not possible to be friends...too many emotions in the way. I don't think you can have a relationship with someone for 8 yrs and throw it all completely away and not even be friends.....can you? I mean, you shared so much with this person.

 

I have to be patient and let myself get stronger emotionally before I can find out. The waiting and letting time pass is the hardest thing. I wish I could just fast forward time to see what was going to happen.

 

wow....well i feel the same way about you as far as wanting them as a friend at some point, and our relationship was just under 2 years! its tough...especially when theres feelings involved....i can only imagine how awful it feels when you were with the person for 8 years.....time can seem to be our worse enemy because all we want is for time to go fast so we can figure out where this is all heading...but its all we have and we need to try and make the best of it, as hard as that is, trust me i know

[staircase]

Hi Vismund and Faith, I'm into day 8 of a breakup. My relationship lasted for 2 years. One thing that comes to mind reading both of your stories is to write a goodbye letter to your ex. Would that help? Even if it was just for you and you'd never actually send it, it's a nice way to get some kind of closure. You could thank them for what was great but then say why its important that you both move on. I've been thinking that I'll probably do that for my relationship sometime further down the track. Right now though, I'm still in denial.

[faith_8]

Hi Vismund and Faith, I'm into day 8 of a breakup. My relationship lasted for 2 years. One thing that comes to mind reading both of your stories is to write a goodbye letter to your ex. Would that help? Even if it was just for you and you'd never actually send it, it's a nice way to get some kind of closure. You could thank them for what was great but then say why its important that you both move on. I've been thinking that I'll probably do that for my relationship sometime further down the track. Right now though, I'm still in denial.

 

That is whats so hard though.....the definite, the finality of it all. I'm afraid to face that in the face. I can't. Not yet.

 

I think I still think of all the mixed signals...he had said if we both want to try again in the future, then we'll try again.....that he knows it wasn't always like this..that he still cares for me...

 

But then all the negative things too....

 

*sigh*

[Vismund_Cygnus]

Hi Vismund and Faith, I'm into day 8 of a breakup. My relationship lasted for 2 years. One thing that comes to mind reading both of your stories is to write a goodbye letter to your ex. Would that help? Even if it was just for you and you'd never actually send it, it's a nice way to get some kind of closure. You could thank them for what was great but then say why its important that you both move on. I've been thinking that I'll probably do that for my relationship sometime further down the track. Right now though, I'm still in denial.

 

Yeah, i already wrote mine and that felt pretty good just writing it...at the same time, its been 2 months and i sometimes still feel like im in denial at points, im not sure, but maybe actually sending this would help that denial feeling that im having, like when and if i send it, maybe it would be like me accepting and acknowledging that its finished business, and maybe help me move on better...cause right now im wallowing in the 'what ifs' and the things i never got to say, i dont need her response, but if she could at least hear the last words i always wanted her to, that may comfort me...well see..im still sitting on it for a few weeks to figure out if i still want to do it

[staircase]

Finite - reading your post really helped me. The reason why I haven't written the letter is exactly what you describe - an unwillingness to acknowledge the reality of the breakup. For me, it's like I am waiting out the next week to see if it really is true. Somehow 9 days isn't convinving enough. Maybe in 14 days or 30 days of NC, I will be convinced but right now I'm waiting it out, irrationally hopeful, to see if this really is the end.

 

I've started to draft a letter in my mind, thinking here and there of the final things I'd want to say but I need that expanse of time to elapse and my heart to accept it's over, before I have the courage to pick up a pen.

 

Vismund - did you go through a similar internal battle? It's been two months - did it get to a point in time where you were more accepting that it's really over? You say moments of denial - do they dissipate in frequency over time?