ilovehim Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 Hi guys, I'm new to this site, and I joined b/c i am so unsure of what else to do and where to turn. Not even counselling is helping me, so I need some help. I've been with my b/f for 3 years almost, and I am getting sick and tired of my life with him. I am so in love with him, and I love him to death and beyond words and I care for him like I care for no other person. Yet when I go home to him (we live together) nothing seems the way it is in my heat. we always fight and we never seem to get along. we don't make love half as often as we used to, and sometimes when we do i feel almost violated (he never actually has hurt me in any way, it's just how I feel sometimes...not always of course). that was one of the best parts of our relationship, yet when we're doing it now i just can't stand it sometimes. our communication has gone down the drain, as we simply don't tlak about anything anymore. we almost hate being with each other, seeing that we make each other's lives miserable. but we love each other to death...THIS MAKES NO SENSE! i am stuck in a world where i don't know what to do. I am always being accused of not caring, of not listening, of not being there, of always yelling, of things just being my fault. I feel that although we're together physically, we're not really together...u know? i wanted to be with himforever, but now i'm not so sure anymore. i am not nearly as happy as i'd like to be, and i am certain i am reaching a phase where i am getting more and more depressed. i am satisfied with almost all other aspects of my life, but this. My sister once said that you know you love someone when you can't live without them, and I knwo I can't...but i can't live with him either. it's like we're there but we're not...we're not connected emotionally any more...maybe? i don't know...i dont know what to thinkg or what to do or what to say... i am just fed up and i probably wrote more than anyone needs to read... but if someone can, please let me knwo what you think i should do...my life is becoming an emotional living hell where nothing seems to be ok...no respect is left in our relationsihp and it seems like no one wants to fix it, although i know we both do! and i know he love me to death too...that's the saddest part... HELP! Link to comment
WaterIsLife Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 Do you feel that one of you is creating more of the conflict? Do either of you tend to pull-away in the face of conflict, not wanting to deal with things directly? I think this may be a situation where you both need to better understand your own and each others personalities, perhaps? Link to comment
ilovehim Posted November 30, 2007 Author Share Posted November 30, 2007 perhaps...we do both of what you said...we just don't deal with conflict...i am so damn tired of it...so damn tired of life itself at the moment... Link to comment
ghost69 Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 can't live without him and can't live with him is different. when you can't stand someone anymore, it's pretty much over and hard to get over too. Link to comment
WaterIsLife Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 perhaps...we do both of what you said...we just don't deal with conflict...i am so damn tired of it...so damn tired of life itself at the moment... Well, I guess you know where you need to start then. The only problem is that you both need to be fully on-board at the same time. Not an easy thing to do. Maybe counseling would do you good. Both individually and as a couple. Do you think he would be willing to read a book or two? Like "The Four Agreements", or something? I guess the key here is for you to talk to him, calmly, and for both of you to come to an agreement that the way you both react/deal with things needs to change and that the only way to do that is to better understand each other and (more importantly) yourselves. Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 this is your biggest clue here: ' i am satisfied with almost all other aspects of my life, but this. ' if you had a roving discontent with lots of things in your life, it might be that the relationship was suffering from it... that you had depression, or needed to make changes in other areas etc. but the fact that you are happy EXCEPT when you are with him is not a good sign for the relationship. sometimes we grow apart and in different directions, and someone who fit nicely for a while not longer fits. and perhaps you are in love with what you HOPED he would be, but the day to day reality of what living with him is like is not what you really expected or even want. when people say they can't live with someone, but can't live without them, it usually means that they are AFRAID to leave the relationship... afraid of being lonely, or of being alone, or hating uncertainty, or not willing to take a chance on something better. so it sounds like you don't even like this relationship (or him) anymore, but don't like the idea of being alone. most people prefer being in a relationship, and many will put up with a lot of abuse rather than striking out on their own. so you have to be careful not to misread 'needing' him above all else, when in reality, when he is away, you get sentimental, lonely, and start reminiscing about what you HOPED he would be, not what he actually is. it is also disturbing that you are continuing to have sex with someone who you feel violates you. that alone is very sad, and you shouldn't feel so driven to stay in a relationship that is so traumatic for you. i would suggest that you consider some personal counseling to explore why you are staying with something that is apparently so awful, and/or some relationship counseling with him to see if there is something you can do to create a loving rather than a traumatic relationship. but please don't do nothing... it sounds awful, and you should look to a relationship for kindness, love, and support, not neverending conflict and trauma. Link to comment
ilovehim Posted November 30, 2007 Author Share Posted November 30, 2007 thanks a lot...that was quite helpful...one thing i should make clear though is that HE NEVER HURTS/VIOLATES ME, I just feel that way sometimes...b/c of the conflict and the fights and the b/s going on...but he has never laid a finger on me... Link to comment
arwen Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 Hey ilovehim, Welcome to ENA I think that once a couple somehow creates the habit of fighting, it becomes an alternative for communication. This is dangerous, because once a sensitive topic is addressed by one of you, instead of talking about it in a constructive manner, the interaction is loud, hurtful, spiteful and very destructive. I am not saying that fighting is bad, all couples have their ups and downs, but with you guys it seems to be more fighting than talking. And the effect is clear, you are unhappy, he probably is too, and you feel stuck in a situation. I think there are a number of ways in which you can approach this. First you can try and figure out for yourself what topics the fights have in common. Are they about heavy subjects or petty ones? Then, what are the things that you know bother your bf and are those such that you are willing and able to change them for him? What is his part in this? You see, I believe that a relationship has three dimensions: you, your partner and 'together'. In which dimension did what go wrong? Arwen Link to comment
ghost69 Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 i noticed that your id is 'ilovehim' and you say you love him. but then you say you can't stand him. it may look like you are trying to validate your love for this guy when ultimately it just won't work. almost like you are trying to convince yourself you can live with him 'forever'. when you have sex with someone and you aren't into it, something is wrong. especially when you are dating. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 Very well said. I also wondered if it is just fear of being alone and being used to having him around that is keeping you there thinking you love him. There is nothing in your description of how you interact that denotes love...there is no emotional connection, the physical connection is bad, there is fighting all the time, you are happy with everything else but him...It sounds to me that this relationship is just a habit that you can't break. I think personal counselling is a good idea as well as reassessing this relationship and how you really do feel. Dig deep within yourself and be honest as to whether you are just fearful of being alone. Link to comment
pontifex_maximus Posted December 3, 2007 Share Posted December 3, 2007 Just been lurking here and came accross this a couple days ago. and i know he love me to death too...that's the saddest part... And the effect is clear, you are unhappy, he probably is too, and you feel stuck in a situation. I think there are a number of ways in which you can approach this. First you can try and figure out for yourself what topics the fights have in common. Are they about heavy subjects or petty ones? Then, what are the things that you know bother your bf and are those such that you are willing and able to change them for him? What is his part in this?Arwen said it very well... you're probably not the only one suffering through this situation. If you truly love him and he loves you the same, tell him your concerns, he'll understand. Be sure to listen to what he has to say too. You should both willing to own up to any responsibility you have in the situation and make concessions for each other. If you both make some sacrifices for your love, you'll be the better off for it. It's not worth losing someone you love without making a sincere effort. Link to comment
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