bulletproof Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 I have never believed that someone who cheats will necessarily cheat on every partner. The reason for this is that when I was younger, I did cheat on bf's but I did not cheat as I got older and involved in more serious relationships. But today, my sister called me asking me about certain websites that her husband had apparently deleted from his internet history, and says she thinks something is going on. She said there were other signs that she thinks are suspicious, but didn't have time to go into what those were because he was due home momentarily. I felt particularly uncomfortable with this because when my sister met him, he was still married. It was never made clear whether she had gotten together with her husband before he was divorced, and my family and I didn't question the whole thing. We had always just assumed that because it was his high school gf and he had married young, perhaps he had just made a mistake and that his relationship with my sister was the 'real thing'. But now I wonder: if he had in fact cheated on his first wife with my sister, what's to stop him now? Does anyone out there have personal experience with this, i.e., they know of someone who repeated the same patterns? I'm interested in seeing the general consensus, despite the fact that I realize every individual is different. I guess I'm just trying to see how much credence to give her suspicions, so that I can help her the best way possible... Link to comment
Ampire Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 I think once a cheater always a cheater...I know some of my guy friends who cheat constantly and they say, oh ill stop once we get married, shes a good girl she deserves a ring...im like whoa your out of your mind... like in the movie mr.brooks killing is an addictions for him, he gets a rise outta it, just like cheaters get a rise out of doing just that... I think someone can mature out of it, but eventually will fall back into that trap if only once, i think they will... IMO cheaters are weak people, if you have no self control or respect for someone who are with then you shouldnt be with anyone period until you get ur ish together.... Link to comment
Entropy Smith Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 I cheat. Its just natural to want ot have sex with lots of women for men. Cases have been made that its part of are instinct, biological, and social make up. Its hard to fight hardwiring. Link to comment
that.girl Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 so yea. I have found that I can't date men who aren't as sexually open to exploring as I am. If we can swing and have threesomes (or even more-somes) I don't cheat. I dont feel a need to because I have what I want. . . but someone who is very "stuck in his ways" in bed . . . i dont last with him long enough to cheat but I would if I could. . . im a little nympho-ish and i love trying new stuff. . .if thats not being fulfilled then "bye" >i dont care if it sounds selfish (i know it does) but its important to be honest and a relationship should be satisfying all the way around Link to comment
volpe Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 i think it's possible to stop. one of my friends used to cheat and is very faithful to her husband of 13 years, but they have very open communication and at times have considered having an open relationship. they are a very, very special case however and i think once a cheat always a cheat. as for the whole comment that it's a natural thing for men to want lots of sex and it's hard to fight hard wiring, blahblah, i think that's totally wrong....... i LOVE sex and i'm a woman. i just also think with my head and don't want lots of std's along with lots of men. (aka, i don't just think with my genitals) Link to comment
Gracelove Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 I used to think so, but I don't any longer. Cheating is an action just like anything else, it can be stopped. Especially if it is painful. You know how people always use the "hot stove" example? Well, no one would willingly touch a hot stove, once they've been burned. So if someone cheated, and the consequences were painful enough, I think they are likely, not to cheat again. Link to comment
Bunney Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 I cheat. Its just natural to want ot have sex with lots of women for men. Cases have been made that its part of are instinct, biological, and social make up. Its hard to fight hardwiring. Biggest bull I've read in a while. Enotalone can be quite an amusing place. You trying to justify cheating for men or something? If it's natural for men to cheat, why does my bf want to have sex with me and only me? Just because you can't control your libido and think with your penis, doesn't mean everyone else does that. Have a fun time cheating and good bye. Link to comment
mrmaximum Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 If you want to have sex with tons of women, I have no problem with that. Just why have someone at home waiting for you at the same time? One or the other, not both, it isn't fair to the other person. Link to comment
Sweet Buttabean Jellayroll Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 yes...........i would not even give thought to staying with someone if they cheated...no matter how much they apologize Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 i think you have to judge the individual circumstances. some people have had a single episode of infidelity when extenuating circumstances come into play, then really regret it and decide they will never do it again. or as you say they eventually grow up and realize it is not a good way to be. but other people don't believe it is wrong, and in fact might like the excitement of it, or feel justified in it, or be selfish, or have an alcohol problem that they refuse to deal with that lowers their inhibitions and makes them more susceptible to cheating etc. so there are myriad reasons why people cheat and one needs to examine them. so you need to look at your sister's situation in particular. it could be that because she cheated with him, she will always be suspicious and worried that he is now doing the same with someone else... this is very common with people whose relationships started as an affair. they are thrilled in the beginning to 'win' the person away from their spouse, but then when the tables are turned, they start to worry it could happen to them. it is also why most relationships that started as affairs eventually end. only a small amount go the distance because the foundation of the relationship was originally based on lying and distrust. almost ALL couples who get together as a result of an affair initially believe the 'our love is special' argument as an excuse for their cheating, but then when they settle into a normal relationship with just the two of them, the troubles and distrust comes out, and the relationship no longer feels special. so he may not be cheating and your sister could well be oversensitive because she knows she got him that way, and now that the initial flush of 'success' has faded, she is afraid someone else might be doing the same thing she did. or he really could be cheating. he has already demonstrated that he is willing to lie and run 'concurrent' relationships with a wife and a new love interest. so it doesn't outright PROVE he will do it again, but it shows he is very capable of it, and might look to a girlfriend on the side as the solution to boredom, or discontent with the wife or any number of reasons. but i think one thing is safe to say, and that is it is a bit foolhardy to get a man by cheating and taking him from his wife, then expect a high degree of fidelity from him. he has shown that his 'solution' to any problem in the relationship is not to work on the problems or end the relationship honorably, but to lie and sneak around with someone else. but for some reason is always happens, that those who start out in affairs expect their affair partners to be faithful, and are suprized when they are not... kind of a built in inconsistentcy... Link to comment
princess_summer_blue84 Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 I will say this : YES ! Once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater ! No matter how much they say they love u they will always find them someone else to cheat on with and making u feel and think that they really love u when they don't . Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 by the way, i forgot to say, you wanted an example... i know a man who is a repeat cheater, and likes it that way... he always seems to have a wife, then a steady girlfriend on the side, and several other women that he sees not too often on a 'friends with benefits' basis. this is the way he likes to live. and he lies to all of them. he will usually just merrily go along until the curent wife catches him and throws him out, then he 'promotes' the girlfriend eventaully to be the next wife. within a year or so, he's shopping for a new girlfriend on the side, and still seeing as many women as will have him. he's had 3 marriages already that i know of, and could be on his fourth by now, with kids scattered among the different women (including a child with one girlfriend while he was married to someone else). but the common denominator there is that this is what he does, again and again. so i think your sister has to recognize that perhaps this is what her husband does too... he may not be doing it, but he could be if he has done it once already. i would suggest that if she has any suspicions, she insist they attend marriage counseling to try to nip the problem in the bud (her unfounded suspicions, or his cheating, whichever turns out to be the problem). if nothing else counseling will get it out in the open, and help her determine if he has it in him to be faithful. Link to comment
amtjrtcet Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 I don't think 'once a cheater always a cheater'. I think it depends on the person, situation, etc. My ex of 6 yrs cheated early in the relationship. But time went by, we both got older, and I can honestly say he never did it again and never would have done it again. Everyone is capable of changing when it comes to cheating. Everyone. Link to comment
bulletproof Posted November 30, 2007 Author Share Posted November 30, 2007 Thx for all your replies. It helps to hear an outside take. Today my sister called me and said that he has an e-mail account that she didn't know about. I asked why that was such a big deal, since I have four e-mail accounts and if I had a husband I don't think he would necessarily know about all of them. She just insisted that this is something she would normally be aware of. I guess I will just see what unfolds. Thanks again everyone. Link to comment
m12988 Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 I cheat. Its just natural to want ot have sex with lots of women for men. Cases have been made that its part of are instinct, biological, and social make up. Its hard to fight hardwiring. yeah, thats gross. I wonder how many diseases you are bringing home to your wife/girlfriend? If you are so into instincts and biological junk, go live in a jungle and leave us normal people alone. I could be more harsh than this, but i respect this board and i just get really offended by cheating because i have seen many lives fall apart because of this. Link to comment
lana111 Posted December 1, 2007 Share Posted December 1, 2007 i cheated on a loooong term bf. it started sleeping with the other man when my bf and i were broken up but it continued for about 4 months after we got back together. with that said, i would never ever cheat again. as i just posted in another thread- you get away with it and everything is dandy but then you feel guilty. that guilt keeps you from being close to your significant other and things just arent the same. he never knew about the other man but things were just different. i didnt feel worthy to be around him. i can confidently say that i would never cheat again on anyone, whether the relationship was serious or not so serious i just wouldnt. Link to comment
Poe Posted December 1, 2007 Share Posted December 1, 2007 I cheat. Its just natural to want ot have sex with lots of women for men. Cases have been made that its part of are instinct, biological, and social make up. Its hard to fight hardwiring. yeah, thats gross. I wonder how many diseases you are bringing home to your wife/girlfriend? If you are so into instincts and biological junk, go live in a jungle and leave us normal people alone. I could be more harsh than this, but i respect this board and i just get really offended by cheating because i have seen many lives fall apart because of this. Agreed. So anything you feel justifies how you act? Way to embody the same reasoning that could be used to try to justify rape and murder. If you cannot stop yourself from acting, regardless of how you feel, then I fail to see how you could have principles, or any backbone. I would not even associate with such a person, let alone date. I think it is disgusting. Mentalities such as these are a pretty clear indication that she would not be even worth the time of day. It is a very unattractive character trait and a lamentable way to live your life. I read this as "I'm too selfish to care about any other feelings other than my own. My feelings are a priority above everything else." Good luck with that attitude when you get older and your relationships really start to count. I guarantee you will find yourself incapable of sustaining a solid relationship with someone who offers something substantial. People who offer something substantial have the luxury of not having to put up with people who do not. Link to comment
Poe Posted December 1, 2007 Share Posted December 1, 2007 Oh, and for the record, I consider serious infidelity a pretty solid grounds for breaking up, unless it was situational or she had a real good excuse. The last relationship I found out, we were already having problems, she accidently let me know that she had some problems being faithful on her end... well, I'll say it made it ALOT easier for me to walk away and never look back. Whats to look back at? IMO, nothing. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted December 1, 2007 Share Posted December 1, 2007 There are habitual cheaters and then there are also those folks who stray because of unhappiness in a situtation and they are unable to articulate it to their partner. Which category your sister's husband falls into we can't say. Link to comment
Poe Posted December 1, 2007 Share Posted December 1, 2007 There are habitual cheaters and then there are also those folks who stray because of unhappiness in a situtation and they are unable to articulate it to their partner. Which category your sister's husband falls into we can't say. not that it matters... Link to comment
mrmaximum Posted December 1, 2007 Share Posted December 1, 2007 i cheated on a loooong term bf. it started sleeping with the other man when my bf and i were broken up but it continued for about 4 months after we got back together. with that said, i would never ever cheat again. as i just posted in another thread- you get away with it and everything is dandy but then you feel guilty. that guilt keeps you from being close to your significant other and things just arent the same. he never knew about the other man but things were just different. i didnt feel worthy to be around him. i can confidently say that i would never cheat again on anyone, whether the relationship was serious or not so serious i just wouldnt. This is why I liken having an affair to building a nuclear bomb in your basement. When it finally goes off, it affects EVERYTHING!! You, your SO, the kids, the house, heck, even the pet parakeet. This is why I don't understand cheaters, even the ones that say that they were missing something at home. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that in circumstances like that they should just stay in the sitch and accept the negligence. It's just that when you engage in an affair, you're not blowing off steam, your engaging in something that could destroy EVERYTHING that you hold dear? Why take the risk, are there not better ways? Link to comment
JadedStar Posted December 1, 2007 Share Posted December 1, 2007 not that it matters... I would think if a reconciliation were to come into play it would matter. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted December 1, 2007 Share Posted December 1, 2007 I would think if a reconciliation were to come into play it would matter. Yes, I agree. You have to look at the reasons for cheating, the remorse the cheater feels and the willingness of both sides to re-build. People make mistakes...what is important is a) do they recognize their mistake and b) are they truly commited to making amends and making sure it never happens again. Link to comment
3boys Posted December 1, 2007 Share Posted December 1, 2007 My husband cheated on multiple girlfriends when he was younger but swears that he would never cheat on me. His ex-wife cheated on him and he says he'd never want to put me through what he went through with her. So I have to say "No, they can change." At least, they had better be able to Link to comment
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