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What if your gut is wrong?


Supa_gurl

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Just a question:

I see so many people here that have suspicions that their SO is cheating. So they go to great lengths to catch them on it. Private eye, keylogger, tapping phones, etc.

I see others that say what should I do, I suspect he/she is cheating? All the advice says "trust your gut instincts, they are rarely wrong."

My questions is: What if the gut is wrong. Is the relationship over? Should it be over? Does the accused have the right to be infuriated?

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this is just hypothetical, I was just wondering.

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I'm not sure what you're really asking. What if you spied on your partner but found no evidence of infidelity? I don't see why the relationship would have to be over. I think you would want to confess, apologize, expect the accused to feel violated and upset, and then you would want to get into couples therapy to figure out why there are very serious trust issues.

 

Also, "trusting your gut" is not the same as justifying spying on your partner with every technological gadget available. Trusting your gut means being cautious and keeping your eyes and ears open, and having lots of thoughtful conversations with your SO.

 

I should add that I listened to my gut too, and I was right. But I didn't spy...it just came out over time.

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Well, if you "gut" is telling you something, it is never wrong. It may be incorrect about the exact "problem" but if you have that feeling then there is something wrong somewhere.

 

It could be you that needs to work through issues, it could be something your SO has done.

 

Basically if your gut is saying that your SO is cheating, and they aren't, then why is your gut telling you this? There has to be something amiss for you to become anxious like this. Are you needy, insecure for no reason, suspicious etc......It may have nothing at all to do with your SO.

 

Does that make sense ?

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If people's gut instincts were always right bookmakers and casinos would go out of business, marriage counselors would be scarcer than hen's teeth and diagnosticians would be a thing of the past.

 

Through experience, I have found it wise to view my gut instincts with caution.

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Well, if you "gut" is telling you something, it is never wrong. It may be incorrect about the exact "problem" but if you have that feeling then there is something wrong somewhere.

 

This was a GREAT post! And I 100% agree... If your gut is telling you something, something needs fixing. It may not be a cheating situation, but something in your relationship is wrong.

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My gut told me there was a problem but I was not sure what it was. It took putting a keylogger on my pc to find out what was wrong. Found out my wife was lying to me about the "guy Friends" she was talking to. Did she cheat on me? In the normal sense no as she never touched either of them, but yes she cheated emotionally on me. So does this give her any right to be upset I used a program to find the lies maybe but if I had not done what I did she could still be doing what she was instead of us working things out.

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So does this give her any right to be upset I used a program to find the lies maybe but if I had not done what I did she could still be doing what she was instead of us working things out.

 

Hmmm. I think she has the right to be upset. What she did was wrong, but spying on her seems wrong somehow, too. Is violating somebody's privacy justified if you find something you don't like? Do the ends justify the means...? What if she had been innocent? Would spying have been ok, "just in case" you had found something?

 

But it's true...as I type this I wonder, what is the difference between tracking somebody's computer use and hiring a private investigator to take pictures of a spouse suspected to be cheating? It may be that in the latter case the person is already physically cheating and flaunting it, but in the former they are still innocent of any physical wrongdoing. It's obviously better to know before it gets this serious so that you have a chance of stopping it.

 

Ugh ~ I don't know. It just depresses me that we rely on these tools instead of communication. I'm being naive, I know, but where do we draw the line? Do we put video cameras in our partner's car, monitor their phone conversations, fit them with tracking devices? I think I'm an old-fashioned girl in a modern world. Hence, the gut.

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It just depresses me that we rely on these tools instead of communication. I'm being naive, I know, but where do we draw the line? Do we put video cameras in our partner's car, monitor their phone conversations, fit them with tracking devices? I think I'm an old-fashioned girl in a modern world. Hence, the gut.

 

 

I understand Keenan. I feel the same. If communication never brokedown in the first place there should be no suspicion or 'Gut' feeling to begin with.

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If people's gut instincts were always right bookmakers and casinos would go out of business, marriage counselors would be scarcer than hen's teeth and diagnosticians would be a thing of the past.

 

Through experience, I have found it wise to view my gut instincts with caution.

 

I think the "gut feeling" stems from the idea that when you spend a great chunk of your life with your spouse you really know them inside and out. You know their habits, their normal responses, their behavior patterns, etc..

 

You are in an ideal position to know when they are behaving differently, responding differently, doing things they've never done before. Doesn't mean infidelity is definitely the culprit, but you can rely on your gut to determine that there IS DEFINITELY something wrong and you should trust your "gut feeling" to find out what it is.

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In my opinion a healthy balance between your gut, your brain and your heart will lead you in the right direction. Use one of them on it's own and you'll almost certainly make a mistake.

 

I was right to follow my instincts.

 

^^^completely agree.

 

Don't act on gut alone.

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If people's gut instincts were always right bookmakers and casinos would go out of business, marriage counselors would be scarcer than hen's teeth and diagnosticians would be a thing of the past.

 

Through experience, I have found it wise to view my gut instincts with caution.

Exactly my point when it comes to the gut, you can't rely solely on your gut.

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^^^completely agree.

 

Don't act on gut alone.

 

My main problem with that (heart, brain, gut) idea is that most people who find out their spouse has been cheating are effectively blind-sided. They literally are shocked, yet when they look back they ALWAYS seem to realize that the red flags were everywhere, and that the writing was on the wall all along.

 

This is the whole idea about following your gut instincts. It doesn't mean to fly off the handle everytime something seems odd. It means take notice of those red flags, and don't let your heart discard them.

 

When I found out my girlfriend (now my wife) cheated on me many years ago, I learned she had had this affair for a year. The reason I was blindsided is that I was so much in love with her that my heart wouldn't allow my gut feelings a place at the table.

 

But right after I found out it was as if ALL the red flags that had been right in front of my face now seemed so obvious. I felt like an idiot. When love has a hold on someone almost anything they say to deceive you will work. You question a red flag, they tell you they love you and there's nothing to worry about, and you are back on cloud 9. That's what happens when you rely on your heart regarding infidelity - it clouds your brain and your good judgement.

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Gut feelings about relationships are usually correct because something has changed. It may not be infidelity, but it could be something....anything that changes the dynamic.

You can spy and get proof, or you can wait and see. Eventually, the truth always comes out.

My ex cheated on me in March and I asked him at the time and he denied it, I asked again in May, and I got confirmation in October when the woman's best friend told me about it and he actually finally admitted it at that point....

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Like my wife did. She was convinced i was cheating with this woman at a job i had years ago. She ended up using that "gut feeling" as a big part of her justification for cheating on me.

 

I was not cheating, never have, even after that. To this day, years later, she hangs onto that, convinced I am just lying to her about it.

 

Why? Because it allows her to not deal with the monstrosity of her actions.

 

Like anything we stupid people do, relying on your gut is yet another flawed strategy that sometimes works for us, but doesn't always.

 

And when it doesn't work, it leads to harm in a relationship.

 

I put "trust your gut" in the same category as "we're soul mates" or "it was meant to be".

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I give my gut a little more credence than the idea of a soul mate, but I agree that using your 'gut' to justify doing something harmful is just bad policy.

 

If you have a funny feeling about something or someone, you may want to investigate more...be a little cautious, try to figure out what doesn't fit the puzzle.

 

But to use it as justification for something you want to do but is clearly wrong wrong wrong (like having a brainless affair with the cute guy at work)...that's just rationalizing. I'm sorry about your wife. That's terrible.

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