I think I had an epiphany of sorts last night

[blindreepr]

So last night, against the advice of most of my friends and many people here on ENA I hung out with the Ex that originally brought me here. It's been almost a year since I had last seen her or talked to her and I am completely over her. She had been contacting me recently cause she wanted to be friends again for some reason.

 

When it came time to hangout I gave her a call, ring, ring ring, answering machine, but you know what? I didn't care, didn't leave a message. She called back a minute later and we made arrangements to meet at her place. When I got there and she answered the door memories came flooding back. Not memories of all the good in the relationship, but all the reasons why I eventually got over her after she dumped me for another guy! She told me that she didn't answer the phone cause she was napping, at 7 at night! This is something that she used to do when we lived together and I remember that it always bugged me, she would nap instead of doing the normal daily chores just to keep the house decent looking. It's been a year and the things that I didn't like about her are still there, haha.

 

It made me realize that people for the most part don't change who they are. All the negative things that I never liked about her are still there and I found myself almost in amazement that I was so hurt when she left me for another guy. People don't change and the fantasies that I know I have made up of the current ex finding someone else and living happily ever after are just that, fantasies. People don't change and after her leaving me I am starting to see parts of her personality that she will definitely have to work on before she will ever be able to be happy in a relationship for an extended period of time. She has no self confidence, she can't communicate, she is an emotional junkie, she admittedly hurts the people that she loves and she punishes herself for being happy. So why would I think that all of her issues will be fixed after being broken up with me for 3 weeks? They wont! In fact they may NEVER get fixed. But I digress to the original ENA ex, we got to talking and she wasn't even in communication with the guy she originally left me for, that she ended up going out with a drug addict after that guy and now she is finally realizing she needs to be single. In fact I am the only ex that she even wanted to talk to.

 

Do I think she wants me back? Probably not. But I will be honest, I was somewhat abusive to her in the relationship, and even all the negative stuff that I did to her she still wanted to be friends cause she realized something that I have forgotten since the my recent ex broke up with me. I am a good person, I am fun to be around, I have alot to share with people. People enjoy being around me when I'm not down in the dumps. She didn't come out and say it but she insinuated that she realized that she made ALOT of mistakes after breaking up with me. From jumping in bed with her coworker to dating a drug addict. Our relationship ended for a reason but it felt good knowing that she knows that we both made mistakes and that the end of the relationship wasn't all my fault at all, talk about a monkey off my back!

 

After a year of not talking to her it was hard to see how or why I was ever with her in the first place. So many things about her that I didn't like as a person and I put up with it and when I lost it to another man I was devastated. It made me realize that eventually things will get better with the current ex and that sooner or later she will be off the pedestal in my heart and my mind will take over.

 

Have you ever been car searching or recently bought a car and then all of a sudden you notice those cars everywhere? I know that I have. When I first bought my Hyundai Accent I thought I would be one of the few people with one of those cars but as soon as I started driving it around I saw Hyundai Accents everywhere! Why? Because the Accent was something that was apart of me and in my reality now, so I started to notice it when it appeared everywhere else. The same thing goes for ex's. I think when we first lose them that we keep thinking of them and they become our reality. It's not till we truly accept being single and that we start to see all the other 3 billion potential partners out there. There is no reason to feel like I will be alone for the rest of my life and the ex is the only out there for me. I just need to open myself to the reality of the fact that there are other people out there for me and I will start to notice them.

[jul-els]

Very true. Good for you. The car analogy was a nice one.

[Zorba]

Nice post mate. Being a fellow petrol head the analogy worked for me too. You're dead right though. It is all in the mind that focus and I've done exactly that with cars. Absolutely spot on.

[rootcause43]

I was thinking that the car analogy was a good one as well.

[jettison]

Excellent post. Great realizations. I don't rep people very often on ENA, mostly because I just don't think of it, but I'll rep this. The lightbulb moment you experienced is profound, and it's something all of us must find for ourselves. You can hear someone say the words, but you have to get there and feel it all for yourself.

 

In romantic relationships, most of our hangups are in relation to pride and possession. When you feel like you "own" someone, then it is much easier to feel like you are "losing" them. Similarly, we feel like we own relationships. This is why the old cliche, "If you love someone then set them free" continues to be uttered by the wise ad nauseum. It's an anti-ownership sentiment.

 

I remember when my last ex starting dating someone new. I told her how I felt. I didn't act crazy about it, but I calmly said it made my jealous. I told her that I expected she'd be falling in love with some perfect guy and saying "Do you think we'll ever get tired of kissing each other... ever?" like she said to me. Her response was rather honest in return. "Don't worry, I suck at relationships."

 

Sure enough, they were broken up 3 weeks later. And then that made me realize that that even if she did find a better match, even if she did find a guy that made her happy and was more compatible, she's still have all the same hangups that she had with me. Somehow, that made it better.

 

There is certain drive that happens post-breakup that most people can relate to. They want to be seen as more secure, better recovered, happier, and moving on with their life. Most of these feelings are in direct relation and comparison with their ex. It's unfortunate that this is true because if this is your current line of thinking then you're not yet over the ex. You're still playing a push/pull/control game, at least in your mind.

 

I believe that it's obsessing on thoughts like these that prevent us, like the OP mentions, from opening our eyes, minds, and hearts to that new special someone. It's a crutch.

[Ampire]

good post man, its true once you are out you slowly start to see things, you may miss them and love them but the cloud in your mind slowly starts to dissipate...

[SarCareBear]

blindreepr,

i've been crawling around here for about a week or so, as i have done in my varied moments of deep stress for a few years now. and, having just been dumped for no particular reason, it is helpful to read your clear-headed realizations about the nature of ex's and moving on. it's true: i just saw an ex-gf the other day, and while we are actually quite compatible and chatty as friends, it's also amazing how i've forgotten the tears i cried when she said we had to end our relationship.

 

i realize that one day it will be a same with the latest ex. it is important to grieve, post on ENA when we must etc., but i believe at the end of the day most of us would do well to turn off our computers and move our bodies or minds toward other passions besides for attempting to master our emotions. i'm beginning to accept that pain will exist in life sometimes, yet realize that i don't have to let it submerse me into a deep depression everytime i experience some of it.

[jdubs]

Good for you, man.

 

It definitely sounds like you have had that epiphany, indeed.

 

One thing I couldn't help but notice in your third paragraph that you kept saying were the words "People don't change"... this, to me, is the point.

I had a thread recently that was all about that concept.

 

It is so easy to be blind to someones faults when you are in love with someone, and to dismiss the terrible behavior that some people can exhibit.

In some ways, I think a romantic relationship is just like a friendship on steroids. It is heightened and complicated by the intimacy and the physical aspects and can be wrought with the possessive feelings that Jettison spoke of...

 

The question I asked myself after I finally had enough time to calm my emotions and think clearly was... "If one of my friends treated me the way she did, would I still be friends with them?" Uhhhh...NO.

 

Which, really made it funny to me when she wanted to "still be friends" after she treated me like crap and then broke up with me! Yeah, people don't change... not at their core.

[Up and Down]

Good post!