Can/do people ever truly change?

[minniegirl]

If you truly want something or someone and you know you have to make changes, are you serious about changing to get what you want? Do you take it seriously enough to make those changes in order to get what you desire? Are people truly capable of long lasting, life affirming changes?

[Pocket Rocket]

Yes, i'm doing this myself at the moment and I've seen people who have succeeded at it too. It all began with the usual "oh why does no one love me, I clearly need to change" and once it all began it became and now is more about me, more about learning about myself and loving myself - believe me when I say the change is earth shattering, and I'm not even halfway there.

 

It's easy to be discouraged when you feel yourself slip back, but it really is all about getting back on that horse every time, affirming that you're doing this for yourself, realising why you fell in the first place and learning what you can do differently the next time.

 

Change is possible yes, because change is part of nature, how much you do change however depends on where you want to go and how hard you're willing to work for them.

[Momene]

I think you can change to some extent but it is rare for someone to completely turn round 180 degrees. An aggressive person can become more tolerant but can not lose their aggression completely.

[someguy88]

Of course people are capable of change. I kind of agree with momene that people can't really change 180 degrees. I used to be a very aggressive person in a bad way. Over the years I've learned to cool my jets and not act out my aggressive behavior in negative ways, but the natural instinct to do so still lingers.

[Seymore]

Sure they can. I remember I had a jealousy problem in my last relationship. My ex told me that if it didn't stop, she'd leave. I quit being jealous VERY quickly. I looked at things in a different perspective to help me. I basically took a step back from her and didn't hold her so close. I understood that if she were to cheat, she wasn't for me. My girlfriend now finds that to be one of my most endearing traits, and not only am I not jealous (well, a little here and there, but never like I was), but I don't even FEEL like I have to keep tabs on her, and that really helps, too. I encourage her to spend time with her friends, and the one (semi)close guy friend she has I even met and spoke to and had a good time with, instead of painting pictures of the two of them in my head, like I would have before.

[Jeffrey2095]

Hi Minnie,

 

I'm afraid in my experience the answer is a definite no.

 

Jeffr

[WaterIsLife]

This is an interesting question you pose. I was talking about just this with my therapist yesterday. Rather than using the word "change" I used the word "grow". For instance, all of the things about me (good and bad) are still a part of me, but I think my recent realizations about myself are now a part of me too (which I have posted about a lot here). My therapist liked the way I chose to describe this and he agreed. He added that the person may not change, but the behaviors do.

 

Rather than asking if someone can change, perhaps the question should be if someone can grow? I think the answers to these two will be a little different.

[Atticus90]

Depends on the commitment one makes on "growing".

And it also varies in maturity.

[Timebandit]

Depends on what it is. And people DO change. But I would also caution, that it is often a very long process (not necessarily something to wait on)

[minniegirl]

Excellent posts everyone. WIL, I love the idea of growing instead of changing. True, we really can't "change" but we can grow. We can adapt. We can refocus. If there is something or someone you truly want and your actions are causing grief and dismay, then IMO, growth/change would be necessary to keep what you have. True, growth/change does not come over night, but like another poster said, if your relationship (or job, or whatever) is being threatened by your actions, then you either shape up quickly or will be shipped out. Now, the flip side is that you never change or grow or do anything for yourself and keep on just keepin' on. That doesn't sound a like a very fulfilling life, not to mention all that you may end up losing.

 

For me, if it's something I wanted, loved, etc... and my actions, my habits, (whatever it may be) was causing a serious problem or were a threat, I'd fix it and ask for continued help/support in fixing the issues. I guess the real question is, how badly do you want it and what lengths are you will to go through to keep it? I'm slowly learning that "change" is a good thing. Unfortunately, I don't think others view it in the same manner.

[WillyD]

I would say change? No. They can learn to curb their actions though - and if that is good enough for you then that works.

 

Simple point is a jealous person will always be jealous, but they can learn to not over react as much. At least thats my opinion.

 

WillyD

[Pocket Rocket]

I was talking about just this with my therapist yesterday. Rather than using the word "change" I used the word "grow".

 

Very good way of putting it

[WaterIsLife]

Excellent posts everyone. WIL, I love the idea of growing instead of changing. True, we really can't "change" but we can grow. We can adapt. We can refocus. If there is something or someone you truly want and your actions are causing grief and dismay, then IMO, growth/change would be necessary to keep what you have. True, growth/change does not come over night, but like another poster said, if your relationship (or job, or whatever) is being threatened by your actions, then you either shape up quickly or will be shipped out. Now, the flip side is that you never change or grow or do anything for yourself and keep on just keepin' on. That doesn't sound a like a very fulfilling life, not to mention all that you may end up losing.

 

Very well put. In my case I would say that I finally realized how much some of my behaviors (being guarded, putting up walls, being afraid to open up) truly were hurtful to ME in the end. In addition to those things I realized that I had my priorities in life pretty screwed up. This has hurting me greatly too.

 

Sometimes this growth thing is just a matter of a change in perception, IMO.

 

Very good way of putting it

 

Thank you! It is most definitely about loving yourself Pocket Rocket. I think it really takes internalizing it fully. When you refocus and look at it in terms of loving yourself then you have internalized it fully, IMO.

 

 

 

I think it all has to do with truly wanting to grow. Wanting to grow for yourself. Wanting to grow because you are certain that it will give you a happier and more fulfilling life.

[Entropy Smith]

If people didn't change we'd all be extinct by now.

 

Evolve or die. Thats the universe's decree.

[Jeffrey2095]

I think people adjust and compensate but will resist change.

 

I'm not saying it's impossible, but it might as well be as rare as it is.

 

Also I notice the ones who really have not changed will proclaim that they have the most and loudest.

 

A tell-tale give away.

 

Jeffr

[ycmanvs]

Of course you can grow and change, but you have to want to make these changes. Since you are in therapy, you are already taking a step towards making changes. This is a process that does not happen over night, so the changes are not noticeable right away, but if you look back at where you were ten years ago, and where you are now, you will see that things have changed and so have you.

[minniegirl]

I think people adjust and compensate but will resist change.

 

I'm not saying it's impossible, but it might as well be as rare as it is.

 

Also I notice the ones who really have not changed will proclaim that they have the most and loudest.

 

A tell-tale give away.

 

Jeffr

 

Ooooh, that is a good one. And they are the same ones that are quick to point out how you or others have changed as well.

[ycmanvs]

Ooooh, that is a good one. And they are the same ones that are quick to point out how you or others have changed as well.

 

So, are you saying that you have not experienced any growth at all? Or are you talking more about the essense of a person. Their moral code or belief system or behavioral patterns?

[WaterIsLife]

If people didn't change we'd all be extinct by now.

 

Evolve or die. Thats the universe's decree.

 

Very true!

[KAT MOMMY]

People can grow and become a much better person than they were

[minniegirl]

So, are you saying that you have not experienced any growth at all? Or are you talking more about the essense of a person. Their moral code or belief system or behavioral patterns?

 

This post isn't about me. It's about someone else and people in general.

[WaterIsLife]

One more thought on the conversation I had about this topic yesterday.

 

My therapist equated the idea that only when we injure ourselves deeply do we then seek to grow and modify things in our lives to someone who suffers a heart attack and only then makes healthy lifestyle changes.