Pictures on Boyfriend's Computer

[SadGirl84]

I've been with my boyfriend for over two years. Yesterday, I went on his computer because I was looking for some of my brother's pictures he had uploaded on his computer. I ran into his porn folder. I was a little upset to see the hundreds on gross porn pics he had saved in there but that wasn't what really got to me. Among those pics he had saved pictures of my best friend's risky myspace pics. Including those of her in pretty much no clothes. I was so upset. He always told me he thought she was gross. How can I trust anything he says anymore? I don't know what to do. I im-ed him when he was at his friend's house and told him we needed to talk when he got home. Then I talked to him last night and he said he was sorry and he didn't really have a good explanation as to why he would have saved those. I just feel like I can't believe anything he says anymore. It's also a huge shot to my ego. I want to forgive him on one hand but then again I feel like I've completely lost the trust. Especially, since when I asked him if he knew why I was upset he said he didn't know but later on confessed that he was thinking about it on his way home and was trying to come up with a reason as to why he would have those pictures on his computer. What should I do?

[CandyKins]

I'm so sorry for that, must of been a real shock.

 

Personally, a man who is in a committed relationship shouldn't look at porn, as it's not good for his mentality. I think you have the every right to give him the choice between you or his porn. If he takes the choice of his porn then he's not worth your while at all.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

There is not much you can do except decide whether or not this is a deal breaker for you. Having standard porn pictures of people who make their living in that industry is one thing but having pictures of someone he knows, especially that person being your best friend crosses a line. No, it doesn't mean he is going to cheat, but it is disrespectful to you. If he likes to look at naked women, well, that's normal...but the line gets drawn when it's women he knows other than his partner. One thing I have noticed on this board...it seems that when a guy is emphatic to his girlfriend about how he finds a particular woman "gross" or "repulsive" chances are that is a cover up for how he really feels. Usually if someone doesn't have an interest in someone else, they are indifferent and don't come out with harsh negative words about that person's looks.

[SadGirl84]

Thank you Candy for making me feel not so crazy. I talked to him about the porn before we started dating and so it really hurts that I found that. Should I give him another chance? Also, what do you think about him having the pics of my best friend? I don't understand because he is such a great guy otherwise.

[Zackinlaw]

There have been numerous threads on here about porn. The consensus is that girls and guys attach different meanings to porn: girls see it as a replacement for them, almost like cheating or saying she isn't enough for him; guys just like to look at nekkid girls. As to why he would have pictures of your best friend in his porn folder even if he doesn't have a crush on her ... she was naked. It's a matter of visual titillation, not desire. If you were to walk naked throuh a room full of guys, EVERY one of them would be compelled to look even if NONE of them wanted more.

 

I can understand you being upset about having discovered an unatractive side of him you didn't know before, but I'm confused about how it translates into a "trust" issue.

 

When "caught" with porn, I'm sure your bf toyed with possible explanations ... but the fact of the matter is 1) He didn't hide them from you, and 2) He didn't lie about them.

 

Where's the breach of trust?

 

Zack.

[CandyKins]

If you truly feel you should give him another chance, then go so. But it must be a chance he will not take for granted. But if he gives a mess up of the second chance then best to give him the chance between you or the porn. I do believe people deserve a second chance

 

Of him having pictures of your best friend is shocking. It's like he has no respect for you. I personally feel it's not right.

[Just-a-Girl]

Aww girl, that's too bad. Personally, I'd never be able to look at him the same again. That's WAY past the line. Put yourself in his shoes and the only reason I can come up with for him having those pics is that he thinks she's hot. I know that's brutal and it sucks, but what other reason is there?

 

There's no way I could be with him after this. It's not that I'm saying he would physically cheat, but the thoughts are in his head, which is heartbreaking and horrible.

 

Why does your friend have these kind of pics on her MySpace anyway? I don't understand that.

[SadGirl84]

I don't know why she has pictures like that. She's kind of messed up. As far as why this is messing up my trust. It's mostly b/c 1. I've previously asked him not to have porn 2. When I asked him if he knew why I was mad he said no even though he did 3. He always made fun of how ridiculous she is and how ugly she is an then he has pics of her on his computer.

I just don't know if I can believe anything he says anymore with all these inconsistencies.

[Just-a-Girl]

Girl, this is rough. It's totally a trust issue, I wish it was just about boys being boys, but it's more than that. I wouldn't be able to trust him, he'd have to REALLY work hard to gain it back.

 

If you're willing and he's willing to really work at it, then give it another go. But, he needs to understand why this is wrong and icky (the pics of your friends)

[SadGirl84]

Thank you everyone for your help, all this advice is really helpful and makes me feel like I'm right with my feeling.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I don't know why she has pictures like that. She's kind of messed up. As far as why this is messing up my trust. It's mostly b/c 1. I've previously asked him not to have porn 2. When I asked him if he knew why I was mad he said no even though he did 3. He always made fun of how ridiculous she is and how ugly she is an then he has pics of her on his computer.

I just don't know if I can believe anything he says anymore with all these inconsistencies.

 

 

The mistake many women make is asking their boyfriends to give up porn and then being dismayed when the boyfriend can't follow through. Did you ever read so-called "romance novels". Most of those "romance novels" are quite sexually explicit and are that way for a reason. Women get off on the romantic sexual aspect of those novels...it is fantasy. Men prefer the visual fantasy over the written fantasy. Fantasies are personal and nobody has a right to tell someone else what kind of fantasies are allowed..as long as there are no lines crossed and the fantasy doesn't become a reality. With regards to him claiming he didn't know why you were mad...well, you caught him off guard and he was trying to get out of it. He did own up to it later. To me, the last issue about the friend, is the far more serious issue. He made a big show of her being gross because he was trying to cover up the fact that he actually find her appealing enough to have her picture in his folder. You can't stop him from thinking she is "hot", that doesn't mean he is going to cheat on you with her. I think you need to talk to him about this, but forget about the porn issue...the real issue is him having trashy pictures of a person he knows and how that disrespects and hurts you.

[Zackinlaw]

As far as why this is messing up my trust. It's mostly b/c 1. I've previously asked him not to have porn 2. When I asked him if he knew why I was mad he said no even though he did 3. He always made fun of how ridiculous she is and how ugly she is an then he has pics of her on his computer.

 

1. Well, that's new information ... If HE PROMISED not to have porn and he had it anyway, that's a trust issue for sure. But if YOU TOLD HIM not to have porn and he just ignored you, that might be passive-aggression on his part but not a breach of trust. Do you often give him ultimatums?

 

2. That was an unfair question. My only response EVER to "do you know why I'm mad" is "Why don't you just tell me?" More silly arguments are started because of this than I can tell you.

 

3. Yeah, having a naked picture of your best friend is tacky and I can see why you are upset about it. But it's not like she gave it to him or he asked her for it ... she published it on the Internet. For the reasons in my earlier post, I disagree with those who say "well, he secretly must like her."

 

If this is a dealbreaker to you, then your relationship was already doomed to fail eventually.

 

Zack.

[beauty21]

What's up, Sadgirl84

 

I would be pissed off if I found my best friends half naked pictures on my boyfriends computer. He would have some serious explaining to do.

 

Like you say, if it were just porn then that is something you two could have gotten thru, but it was crossing the line when he has pictures of your best friend. It's crazy. And I would really think hard and long about whether or not I would give him a second chance.

 

This is one of those times where you have to look into your relationship and weigh the good and the bad. Don't just forgive him. Give yourself some time (a week) to yourself away from him a couple of days to let him think about what he's done and you think about whether you are able to give him another chance or not. And when that week is up, whatever you decide atleast you gave it some thought before immediately forgiving him.

[ghost69]

I'm so sorry for that, must of been a real shock.

 

Personally, a man who is in a committed relationship shouldn't look at porn, as it's not good for his mentality. I think you have the every right to give him the choice between you or his porn. If he takes the choice of his porn then he's not worth your while at all.

 

i don't think it should be that extreme. that is like saying to close your eyes during a normal movie when there is a love scene. yeah, you might only see some boobs, but still. it is the same suggestive idea. i don't see the big deal. now if it was of really young girls or some animals, then yeah, be upset.

[SadGirl84]

Thank you all once again.

Is there anyway for me to know that he is truly sorry for having the pics of my friend? And to know that he wouldn't do something like that again? How do I explain to him where that line is that he should never cross? To me it seems so obvious but he did cross it and I feel like if he crossed that so eaily what is preventing him from going a little further next time.

[cleo_gurl]

Sorry bot what is going on with you are your man.

 

I wouldn't be to mad about the porn but the pic of the friend would really make me mad.

 

There is a reason he saved it to his computer and I would want to know why either he thinks she is hot or something else... idk I'm not him but the point is it was there and he had to make the right lick to make it stay.

[SadGirl84]

I asked him why it was there and he still told me he doesn't think she is hot, and that it was just a thought he had a long time ago and he doens't know why he saved it...pretty lame reasoning

[Zackinlaw]

How do I explain to him where that line is that he should never cross? To me it seems so obvious but he did cross it and I feel like if he crossed that so eaily what is preventing him from going a little further next time.

 

Obvious to you and the female posters on this thread, but not necessarily obvious to him. To him, it was probably just another piece of Internet porn. I'll guarantee that he doesn't see the distinction as clearly as you do, if at all.

 

Maybe it would be useful to sit down and talk with him ... not to give him ultimatums, but to explain why it hurt you so much.

 

Zack.

[ryan123]

I don't know why she has pictures like that. She's kind of messed up. As far as why this is messing up my trust. It's mostly b/c 1. I've previously asked him not to have porn 2. When I asked him if he knew why I was mad he said no even though he did 3. He always made fun of how ridiculous she is and how ugly she is an then he has pics of her on his computer.

I just don't know if I can believe anything he says anymore with all these inconsistencies.

 

Well I think restricting your partners porn access is rediculously controlling(unless your sex life is effected).

 

As far as the pictures of your best friend half-naked is just wrong. And of course he said he didn't think she was attractive...How would it have made you feel if he said she was drop dead gorgeous and wanted to have sex with her?

[beauty21]

Well I think restricting your partners porn access is rediculously controlling(unless your sex life is effected).

 

As far as the pictures of your best friend half-naked is just wrong. And of course he said he didn't think she was attractive...How would it have made you feel if he said she was drop dead gorgeous and wanted to have sex with her?

 

Exactly. You should take some time for yourself and really, really think hard about giving him a second chance. He shouldn't have saved any pictures of your friend, period. There is no excuse. If you let this go easily, other things will keep coming up.

[Zackinlaw]

Exactly. You should take some time for yourself and really, really think hard about giving him a second chance. He shouldn't have saved any pictures of your friend, period. There is no excuse. If you let this go easily, other things will keep coming up.

 

OK, I'm paddling upstream on this one so I'll stop.

 

I do, however, strongly disagree with the advice quoted above. You have relationships with people, you train dogs. If you withdraw from your relationship to "punish him" or "make sure he never does it again" then be prepared for the possible consequences.

 

Unlike a dog, he can simply choose to leave.

 

Zack.

[SadGirl84]

He's told me that my other friends are attractive. So at this point, when I'm asking for the truth why can't he just say it. I'm not an idiot, I know he thinks she's attractive, why continue with the lies? I'm not being facetious, I'm just trying to understand.

I've never given him ultimatums. I've asked him not to have porn, I've never forbidden him. I've just told him that it does bother me but if thats all I had found I wouldn't have even brought it up. I would've maybe been a little upset but I would've made myself get over it.

[SadGirl84]

OK, I'm paddling upstream on this one so I'll stop.

 

Zack.

 

Please don't stop, I like to hear your point of view

[JadedStar]

I am torn between Zack's and Crazyaboutdog's posts. Both of them explain how i feel even tho both of them slightly differ...i am on the fence = split right down the middle on this one and the asnwer lies somewhere in the middle of those two posts. IMO.

 

On the one hand saving the pics of your friend would feel like a betrayal, on the other - i'd be a bit upset that my friend had to go showing her naughty bits on a public site because ANY man will look for crying out loud.

 

I think at the end of the day i'd be more upset iwth my g/f and her need to show the world what she is made of.

[beauty21]

You need to take a break from this guy. This has nothing to do with training a dog. It's about you taking time for yourself to figure things out.