I need everybody´s help on this one

[carrie21]

Hi everyone!

 

I´ve been with a wonderful man for 6 months now, and everything is going great, he treats me very well and tells me he loves me everyday, and i also have strong feelings for him. everything is perfect except for one thing. He doesn´t drink alcohol at all, and now he is trying to get me to promise him that i´ll never drink again, or as long as i´m with him in this relationship. At first, this didn´t seem that bad, but now i can´t see myself doing this! He wants me to stop drinking because there´s a history of alcoholism in his family, and he doesn´t want alcohol in his or my life. Granted i´m not an alcoholic, and i don´t drink that much anyway, but it´s one of my freedoms as an individual, and i feel he is trying to take that away. If i agree to not drink again, everything will be fine with him, but if i can´t promise him that, we may end up breaking up, and i really don´t want him to do that. he says me drinking is like him cheating on me with another woman. i´m starting to think this is controlling and that this is a form of abuse. I´m so young and I don´t know what I should do, please tell me what you think.

[need2bme]

Hey. I don't know whether it is controlling or not, but it may be something he feels strongly about.

 

I dated women who did not drink and they did not have a problem with me drinking. I will say that I didn't drink as much, because of course they didn't drink.

 

So, in this case I personally would be worried if a woman asked me not to drink. I am not an alchoholic either, but when I am out, I like to drink a beer or I might get a little buzzed while dancing (I don't start out to get buzzed, but if I do, no harm no foul).

 

I think I would have to tell him that I care about him and maybe not drink when you are with him? Would that work?

[Darkness_Falls]

I would never agree to stop drinking for someone unless I was some kind of alcoholic and it was ruining our lives etc. Drinking alcohol is up to the individual, and I think him getting you to stop altogether is pretty controlling. Alcohol can be enjoyed socially with friends and in our culture it is completely acceptable to do so.

 

Be strong, stand up to him and say that you won't stop drinking alcohol, because it is your choice.

 

You say you are young, how old are you? I guess that is the only other thing that could have an effect, because if you were 13 then I would say alcohol is probably not the best thing for you But over 18 and you can do what you like.

[Censored]

His request is unreasonable, and sounds like a demand more than a request.

If he broke up with you for choosing to keep your freedom of choices, then there is something wrong with him.

[RhythmicLove]

What's his reason for not wanting you to drink? Is it a serious reason? Something that really and truly bothers him?

 

I think that should be taken into consideration, just as your reasons should. You are an individual, as is he, but if you think solely as an individual and NOT as a couple, you won't solve anything. That goes for the both of you. There has to be a middle ground.

[Daligal83]

You drinking is nothing like him cheating on you with another woman. The fact that he says this makes me think that he believes you will cheat on him if you drink. Which means he has trust issues and it doesn't sound like he has a reason not to trust you.

 

I would do two things. One is talk to him about why he feels so strongly about you not drinking. If he can't trust you enough to go out and enjoy yourself without cheating, well then I don't think this relationship has a future. The other thing is to stand your ground. If you want to drink, go ahead as long as you are being safe. If he wants control over this and gets it, then he'll probably want control over something else in your life and keep going until you've lost yourself. You could compromise and say that you'll refrain from drinking around him, but if your out with friends you will drink. To me it depends on his reasoning though. If it's just a lack of trust, I say do what you want. If it's something more serious like alcoholism runs in his family and he's seen some bad things happen, or he's a recovering alcoholic himself, that's a whole other story.

[Batya33]

This is one of those situations (I like daligal's ideas for example) that requires further exploration because the line where it gets controlling is hard to perceive on a message board. I would find it controlling in this case but for example if I were dating a recovering alcoholic I would feel reasonable setting a ground rule that if he started drinking again we were through.

In your situation I see a blazing red flag in the "cheating" comment he made. I bet if you think hard about it there are other "controlling" behaviors but those might be more acceptable to you or even a turn on to you at this stage.

Whatever you decide - a toast to you for giving this such careful thought ;-)

[ghost69]

well, is it something you feel passionate about? is drinking worth this guy? you do have to make sacrifices in relationships, but if it's something you feel too strongly about, move on. he shouldn't push you to change yourself, but is it something you can do without?

[Hellzapoppin]

My husband smoked when I met him. I had two children, and I will not allow smoking near them, or in the same house. I simply will not allow it; there's no reason for it.

 

He quit.

 

It wasn't a control issue; it was simply that I have certain standards and I didn't want my kids to be exposed to cigs and to think smoking is okay!

 

Just because someone wants to live their lives, without the specter of possible future problems with booze, does not make them a control freak. Rather amusing, for the OP to seriously question if this is abuse. More than likely, he is an experienced person and wants to make a secure future. That is not controlling, it's being level-headed and responsible.

 

If your freedom to get loaded means more to you than he does, set him free and let him find another girl to make a future with.

[juliarussell]

I think you should be allowed to drink. If it is seriously interfering with your relationship, your health, or your judgement, that's when you should maybe give it up. But if you don't drink a lot and enjoy wine with dinner, etc., then you should continue to do so.

Honestly, if you're trying to build a future with someone, you want someone who cares enough about you to let you have your freedom.

[confusedlady2]

I think this is a hard decison. I dont think its fair for him to tell you this. I am a non-drinker and I hate dealing with a drunk. But in my past relationships, this was something that was important to me, so that was one of the first questions. I think being you is important. He knew this before he met you. And if your a social drinker, who cares. As long as you are respecting yourself and others, why stop. Again, I hate alcohol, but people do what they choose to do. I would tell him that this is part of you. This is something that you dont want to change, because you enjoy it..not that you cant..

[3boys]

Not wanting someone to smoke or drink around your kids is quite different than an adult having a drink or two. Someone smoking around children puts the CHILDREN'S health at risk as well as the smokers. AFA drinking around them, as long as the person is not getting drunk, what is the issue? Having a drink or two with dinner puts NOBODY else's health at risk. Drinking in moderation can actually be GOOD for your health.

 

I also have kids and would prefer that people don't smoke around them, but I have no problem drinking in front of them. Now, let me clarify, I do not get LOADED in front of them nor do I want anyone else to, but I only have 1-2 drinks and have also explained to them about responsibility when it comes to drinking so they will (hopefully) be responsible when they're older. My view is if you shelter your kids too much, when they get out from under your wing, WATCH OUT!!! (at least that's how almost everyone I grew up with was)

 

IMO, this request is borderline unreasonable. If he has a problem with you drinking whether or not you're around him, I'd say that's asking a bit much because you're an adult. If it's just not doing it in front of him, that's not unreasonable. Maybe sit down and explain to him that not everyone who drinks is (or will become) an alcoholic. I've also grown up in a family of alcoholics and have seen the damage that can be done and I understand his concern, but if you're drinking moderately, I see no problem.

[JadedStar]

If your freedom to get loaded means more to you than he does, set him free and let him find another girl to make a future with.

 

What a low and unecessary jab. Many people enjoy an occasional social drink with no intention of "getting loaded".

 

I like a social drink here and there and if a guy said i had to totally quit, and could not accept that i am responsible and know my own limits, then wonderful or not i'd show him what my door looks like.

[wiser]

First it will be cutting out the booze. Then it will be use only 1 piece of toilet paper to wipe. Then sex on alternate Sundays. Too much fatty foods in your diet. Not showering enough.

 

You have your life, he has his. Tell him if he wants to be alcohol free, then that's great, you have other plans.

 

It IS controlling...calling it abuse might be a bit of a reach.

[wiser]

Just because someone wants to live their lives, without the specter of possible future problems with booze, does not make them a control freak. That is not controlling, it's being level-headed and responsible.

 

 

Its more than the person wanting to live their lives a certain way. Its a person wanting SOME OTHER person to live their lives in a particular way.

 

That's the part I have a problem with. Just because it happens to be a "healthy thing" doesn't make it any better than what it is...controlling, inflicting ones values and ideals on someone else who doesnt feel the same way.

 

To use smoking as an example is ludicrous, unless you can make the point that "secondhand alcohol fumes" are harmful in some way.

[JadedStar]

I agree that the smoking was a bad analogy. I actually think tho, that making a spouse stop smoking IS a form of control....now if you say you don't want to be around it or your kids, fine. But if they have to stop altogether that is getting a bit too controlling.

 

If he doesn't want to drink that is wonderful, but to expect you to never partake in something just beacuse his family didn't know how to handle it is absurd. Why should you pay for their indiscretion?

 

it's not a matter of wanting to get loaded vs being with a good guy. To be honest i don't think a guy who is that rigid is all that great of a catch. But that's just me.

 

Working out is a healthy thing to do. Do i do it as often as i should? Naw. But if my husband said that he had relatives who died from obesity and if i did not work out five times a week if i wanted to be with him or he'd leave then i'd tell him to kiss my ass.

[wiser]

But if my husband said that he had relatives who died from obesity and if i did not work out five times a week if i wanted to be with him or he'd leave then i'd tell him to kiss my ass.

 

 

If you have a nice ass then it wouldn't be punisment though.

[lenni]

he says me drinking is like him cheating on me with another woman.

 

huh? i don't understand that analogy at all. how is having a glass of wine with dinner the same as him cheating on you? have you asked him about what he means by that? maybe it's what other ppl say - that he thinks that if you drink you'll cheat?

 

i dated someone who doesn't drink and he was fine with me having a drink. he even had some wine in his house for guests or brought a bottle of wine along if we went to a party to give to the host. sometimes he'd ask if i wanted a glass with dinner.

 

i don't know - i agree with others that it is controlling. plenty of adults are able to drink responsibly and there is nothing wrong with having a drink or two socially or with dinner. are you going out and getting loaded every night? is there some reason for him to think you have a drinking problem? is he afraid that if you drink in front of him the temptation to drink will be overwhelming for him? what's his reasoning?

[woundedheart541]

I have been dry for 11 yrs now, its my problem no-one elses! You may not want to drink around him, but this is his problem, he should not force you to fix his problem. If he had cancer, you wouldnt do kemo for him would you? Good luck, but if he still has issues and cannot deal with you having a drink, do you think he is really accomplishing his 12 steps?

[wiser]

If he doesnt want you to drink around him because he has doubts about his own self control, then I can understand that. When I was living home, my stbxw used to buy Mallomars, icecream, ring dings, etc, for the kids. Now, while I have enough self control not to go to the supermarket and buy the stuff, if I knew it was in the pantry, and there was a container of milk in the refrigerator, I would think about it, until my resolve broke down and there I went, munching out on 1000s of empty calories.

 

So, being discreet about the drinking in front of the guy might be a reasonable compromise, in order to help him out, if indeed he has a drinking problem, but thats way different from stopping drinking just because he did.

[JadedStar]

Yes, agreeing to not drink in front of a partner who is recovering from alcoholism would be very fair as a compromise.

 

Never being able to drink a beer or mixed drink again ever? That's a control tactic.

 

If he doesnt want you to drink around him because he has doubts about his own self control, then I can understand that. When I was living home, my stbxw used to buy Mallomars, icecream, ring dings, etc, for the kids. Now, while I have enough self control not to go to the supermarket and buy the stuff, if I knew it was in the pantry, and there was a container of milk in the refrigerator, I would think about it, until my resolve broke down and there I went, munching out on 1000s of empty calories.

 

So, being discreet about the drinking in front of the guy might be a reasonable compromise, in order to help him out, if indeed he has a drinking problem, but thats way different from stopping drinking just because he did.