I wont make love with him AT ALL!!!

[melon_colly]

Hello everyone, it’s been quite a long time since I last posted on this forum. The last time I was on here I was talking about terrible heartache but thankfully I have moved on and recovered from that episode……

 

So im now in a new relationship now with a perfectly lovely guy who loves and adores me. We get along just fine and he is the perfect companion for me….but we have one massive problem that is tearing us apart and I don’t know how to deal with it. I will no longer have sex with him at all! I guess you must be wondering why and although we had a few teething problems in the beginning (he was very sexually inexperienced), he took heed to everything I said to him and things improved. But during the “improvement” faze I just found I wanted sex less and less and now I wont have sex with him at all and I don’t really know why!! If he touches me I flinch, I reject all his advances and berate him when he asks for it. I often find myself feeling sorry for him because I can clearly see that he’s very frustrated. I don’t want to break up because we really do have a wonderful bond (aside from the lack of sex) but I don’t know how I can suddenly start feeling sexually attracted to him again. He’s a few years younger than me and we have been together for about 6 months, I feel my options are:

 

 

A- Stay together and just not have any sex (with him being very unhappy about that)

B- Break up and go our separate ways (with us both being very unhappy about that)

C- Try to resolve this and find a solution…but what it is???

 

Please tell me what you think, any help, advice or suggestions would be appreciated!

[thouse]

You could do it just to make him happy sometimes, I was in a situation like this and it didn't last long because if you are not sexually attracted to him things won't get better only worse. I remember everytime this guy touched me I would feel gross, this was someone I had been with for years but the attraction was not there.

[Papillion]

I think it depends on whether you find other guys sexually attractive. Do you have sexual thoughts of any nature at any time? Do you masturbate?

 

If the answer is yes, then I would say you simply do not find your b/f attractive and should leave him to find a girl who does.

 

If the answer is no, then you have a problem which needs to be urgently addressed if you are to have a lasting relationship with a man. You should explain to your b/f that your libido has inexplicably vanished and that you hope he'll bear with you while you seek help. Then go and see a professional such as a sex therapist or whatnot.

[DN]

Are you sure that your previous relationship is not affecting this one? It isn't that long ago.

 

But don't forget that he has options too - and he may decide to preempt yours.

[CluelessGuy321]

You probably are carrying 'mental baggage' into the relationship. I had a friend who's girlfriend had this problem.

 

You'll probably need to see a therapist and sort things out with yourself for a while. I think it's unfair for your boyfriend to stay together and if it continues, he'll eventually leave.

[Papillion]

if it continues, he'll eventually leave.

 

indeed.

 

he wont stick around indefinitely.

[melon_colly]

Thanks for all your replies guys. I have found myself once or twice giving in and letting him have his way but of course i didnt really enjoy that. Theres nothing wrong with my sex drive at the moment and sometimes i could feel quite aroused but just wouldnt want to have sex with him specifically. But it seems such a shame to throw away an otherwise wonderful relationship for this!! I doubt that the previous relationship baggage is affecting this one because not only do i feel like i have totally got over it i also feel like my current boyfriend couldnt be more different to my last. Its quite ironic that i had an amazing sex life with the cheating lying ex but i dont even want to be touched by the good honest faithful man that i have now......this all saddens me greatly, id hate to lose him!!!

[Papillion]

I have found myself once or twice giving in and letting him have his way but of course i didnt really enjoy that.

 

Theres nothing wrong with my sex drive at the moment and sometimes i could feel quite aroused but just wouldnt want to have sex with him specifically.

 

i dont even want to be touched by the good honest faithful man that i have now.

 

this all saddens me greatly, id hate to lose him!!!

 

Please don't take this the wrong way, but i feel so profoundly sorry for your b/f.

 

Please, please, please break up with him. He deserves a woman who will make him feel like a man.

[melon_colly]

Please don't take this the wrong way, but i feel so profoundly sorry for your b/f.

 

Please, please, please break up with him. He deserves a woman who will make him feel like a man.

 

 

Papillion....i too feel sorry for him, you should see the look of frustration in his eyes, and hes now becoming scared to touch me!!! I guess your right, this is so sad, i will miss him awfully!! Although we have nothing going on in the bedroom dept, he is everything i could have hoped for in a man otherwise, and hes feels the same about me......I just hope he will find a woman that appriciates him as much as i do, not just a woman to have sex with!!

[Papillion]

How unfortunate for you both.

 

I'm saddened by your story. Good luck hon, i really hope it comes good for you both. You're right, you will miss him!

[sandyv]

melon colly, From experience (and it's happened a few times) when I've lost sexual feelings for anyone, it goes all at once .... yeah gone for good..... never to return, caput, over, but that is me.

 

It isn't fair to him, let him go if you can't share that part of yourself. I'd say it unfortunately looks like the relationship is doomed IMHO .... sorry to say....

 

 

Take Care

 

Sandy

[Cardinal]

My guess is you either consciously for unconsciously looked for a man who was a lot different than your ex. You found lots of good qualities and that really attracted you to him.

 

But it is moot.

 

You don't want him sexually. He just doesn't do it for you. Other factors took precedence and you didn't go for a sexual match and now you realize just how important that is.

[confusedlady2]

I dunno! I have been through this, or maybe Im going through this now. I have a Baby father that I despise. Sometimes I used to be happy having sex with him, others would gross me out. I am the point that I didnt even want him to touch me, or even be in my space. But whats really crazy, is when he wasnt tryiing, I sort of missed it, but once it was there, I again despised it.

I would say move on. I know that this would be hard, it was hard, and still is hard for me. But I think you would be a bit more emotionally stable. It will hurt, but sex is important. And doing it to make him happy, which I did too, only makes you weaker. There were times when it was done, I would go in the bathroom and throw up. It had become that serious. Good luck, but put your feelings first. Not to be selfish, but to retain your sanity...

[valiantv]

It might be too late for this, but...

 

You told him everything to do? Maybe you are just bored! Maybe if he used his own initiative - I know he's inexperienced - then it would be better...

[StretchGee]

Based on CL2 and CG321's stories I'd say this is a common, and potentially treatable, problem.

 

If you were married, I'd say get sex counseling. However given that it is a "new relationship" I think you are best to move on.

[sddeaston]

You are selfish. Break up with him.

[glitter_dreams]

You are selfish. Break up with him.

 

When you love, or even really like and care for someone and have this problem I think it's fair to say that it's not just plain and simple being 'selfish'. Have you ever been in this situation? It's really hard and painful to let go of a relationship that is really good apart from this one aspect, and it's really hard to tell whether it is something that can be fixed or not and whether it's worth fighting for or not. Sometimes it is, and people make it through it, and sometimes it isn't.

 

I think the thing to consider is, have you had a good sex life with him in the past? If you haven't ever had that chemistry, then I think sadly it can very rarely be found. But if you once had a good sex life with him and you're now experiencing boredom (maybe dissatisfaction in other areas of the relationship? At the time I was going through this there were many things that I was unhappy with, I just didn't want to admit they bothered me that much at the time, so I think the sexual disinterest got worse after this), then it seems like a problem which many go through. I'm reading an excellent book at the moment, 'Mating in Captivity' by Esther Perel, which deals with this kind of thing... I'd highly recommend it.

[Eire1]

It seems like you might be physically attracted to the Alpha male type, but know deep inside that you will probably only love a Beta male type.

 

Is there some way that maybe the two of you could try to be a little more open about your fantasies, fetishes, and desires? Just maybe you will stumble upon something that really turns you both on. So much of a good sex life is about communication so if you're both just silently approaching one another and nothing seems to work, then maybe you need to start having discussions outside of the bedroom about what turns you on.

 

Do you think opening up a dialogue like this might work? I'd hate to see you ditch a possible "soul mate" without trying to work it out.