My story, just another dumpee who feels confused/stupid/feelingless...

[allochris]

Hi, i'm writing for the 1st time here. i've been on this forum on & off since my breakup last july.

 

Summary of our relationship:

1-gf was married to another guy for 2yrs (22-24yrs old)

2-things didn't work out, they separated for the last 1.5yrs , no contact no nothing

3-i then came in the circle right after her separation (yes, maybe i'm no more than just a rebound)

4-this really "good/intimate" relationship lasts for about 1yr.

5-The good times ended until last july, too much things happened when i got back from being away for 2months.

6-we've been trying to "heal/spend more time alone" stage for the last 4months.

7-& Today i'm feeling really guilty for being jealous when i find out that she's hiding a new relationship w/ another guy A from me, on top of another guy B in Japan who she haven't seen for at least 2yrs.

 

I'll skip 1,2,3 & start from 4.

 

4:

 

I've met this girl actually just b4 her marriage breaking point. After they had numerous fights & got separated, i started seeing her much more, initially as a friend to comfort her from her stressful marriage...& we started going out together about 2months later.

 

Everything from that point seems perfect...love in the air....we treated each other basically like wife&husband. We are both 24yrs., both working on our university degree while struggle btwn work/study just like anyone else.

 

Then last May when we had to decide if we wanted to go together to BC for the summer (work), i ended up going by myself & she stayed behind due to summer school.

 

During these 2 months, contacts btwn us diminuished due to long-distance. It was very hard for me as i was working in a bush-camp. Anyway, during those 2 months, she finally had her own "life" away from me for the 1st time since her separation. (which i'm glad.)

 

5:

 

Then just when i was feeling super anxious/happy as i went back to mtl to see her after being away for 2months, things went downhill from there. Last july/august was tough...I was really hurt, seriously depressed, sleepless, crying all the time (until today!).

 

I guess things happened while i was away. Things followed their natural paths. She told me things i could not accept. (Like: "I don't know what going on in our relationship", "i don't know, i don't know what's going on btwn us, but time will tell...", "i feel bad hurting you", ...) She even told me that she feels guilty writing much more than she should to her "old" friend in Japan, someone who she met more than 2yrs ago b4 her marriage.

 

I, on the other hand, knowing that "if i love her, i'll set her free", have been on the battle field against myself for the last 4 months. I tried the NC and of course it only could last 1wk at the longest no matter how hard i tried. Just when i managed to refrain myself from contacting her, then there she popped a call needing a help from me.

 

At the moment i should describe myself as "feelingless", as i don't know what i should feel. i'm constantly battling with myself, btwn giving her all the space/distance/disconnection/independence that she needs or i being afraid to loose her from giving her too much distance.

 

Right now, this is what she thinks of me:

 

-She wants to make sure i know that our relationship will not go anywhere

-She wants me to let her go & move on.

-She tells me that i should go out with another girl more "normal" than her history

-That she will feel "bad" if i go out with someone else, but will have to suck up the decision she's making today

-That she loves me but i don't love her

 

For me: This is my 1st relationship so i'm learning new things everyday as we speak. Right now i question myself how much do i really love her? I question what exact is the difference btwn "loving" her truly vs convinsing myself to love her.

 

Sound confusing of course.

 

During this 1.5 yr relationship i've been really faithful, tolerant, open mind, forgiving, doing my best. We've never argue until her decision on our "breaking point". In fact, i'm not even sure if her definition of breakup is the same as mine. All i know is that she wanted her free space to clean up her mess with her husband & this guy from japan.

 

Personally, I can say i've done my best for her except for 1 thing. This one thing which prevents me from loving her fully. I don't know if i should call this thing "Trust".

 

Today, i've found myself reading in her romantic text-messages to some new guy, on top of reading a letter for her from this guy in japan.. Right now i'm feeling guilty as * * * * for doing so. It was like as i don't trust her.

 

Is it a surprise to find that she just recently started dating some other guy, on top of this japan guy, not to mentioned me & her husband?

 

i'm confused. i knew i was going to get myself in this situation. why couldn't i ctrl myself from her? Why can't i say no to her? Why can't i refuse her, forget her, deny her. It's like the more i know of the things that i shouldn't know, the more deeper i get myself in this depression hole. It's to the point where i'm debating whether i should spend time alone myself vs being in a relationship.

 

It feels so weird to ask myself if i REALLY love this person? I know i can forgive, or pretend nothing happened by keeping it in myself. But can i set her free if i really love her?

 

What to do...what to do...It's been a 4months battle. Am i just stupid for not being able to let it go & move on? or that i really really truly love her?

 

What is love?

[ftheunion]

Sorry its your first relationship.

 

True love is being truly other-centered. Her marraige is putting a lot on her mind, so whatever feelings she may/maynot have is not important. You gotta get out and run away before the building blows up. Just like in those hardcore Arnold Schwarzennegar movies.

 

Just let her do whatever. You can't control the universe. She is very hurt, and could hurt you as well. So let her go and don't pursue it. that would be best I guess.

 

Also take philosophy. It will help with confusion.

[ghost69]

time will fix this. you can mark it up as a learning experience. happens to everyone. except people that marry their first bf. which i think is nuts.