rokston Posted November 28, 2007 Share Posted November 28, 2007 When people break up it is common for 3rd parties to get involved (other sexual and/or emotional partners). For both the dumper and the dumpee there can be one night stands, short-term flings or even love. What is the impact of these when a possible reconciliation is on the cards? What do you feel about this issue and what is your experience with it? There are so many different scenarios. Often the break up is a limbo situation – both the dumper and dumpee maintain that they love each other and do not rule out the possibility of reconciliation. But they still live the single life. Does this render statements like “I love you” meaningless? Inevitably there are issues of trust and lying. Is it better for to tell each other of what you are doing or to keep it secret? What you don’t know, doesn’t hurt you but when you reconcile and build a new relationship, trust and honest are very important. So many questions!! Just though that it may be an interesting discussion point.. For me personally, I think that it is possible to reconcile despite this. However, it all depends on many little factors and on how much effort each party is willing to put into making it work. Link to comment
Entropy Smith Posted November 28, 2007 Share Posted November 28, 2007 It means its over so move on dude...or you'll become the third party hanger-on friend who keeps hoping for "someday." Link to comment
rokston Posted November 28, 2007 Author Share Posted November 28, 2007 LOL. Thanks! But I wasn't actually talking about my situation. It was more of a discussion point that I thought about... Anyways, I guess that's one view on it. However, I know at least three couples that broke up for some time, had other partners etc.. BUT are now married/have kids and happy together. So I guess for some people it can work... Link to comment
Wandering_Sword Posted November 28, 2007 Share Posted November 28, 2007 A third party got involved with my EX and obviously I was upset and tried everything to contain it within me. But after one incident where the EX called me and had ME convince the "third party" she wasn't lying had me so upset that I knew I would be in NC with good motivation. And after a year (tomorrow) I am thoroughly convinced that I do not want to be with her. I guess it was a third party effect, but not the way you were looking for Link to comment
CatsMeeoow Posted November 28, 2007 Share Posted November 28, 2007 Well - it is something I would love to know about.... Right now my ex just started seeing someone (we've been apart for 8 or 9 months now.) Does he just need to get out there before realizing what we truly had? Or is he simply so over it and moving on. Unfortunately we just never know... I can no longer hold out hope that we'll be back together. I know we would have made a beautiful blended family. I think the third party effect - has a 50/50 chance in working in your favor or against you. Do you wait around to find out???? I already look pathetic in his eyes... I've just severed all ties today. Link to comment
rokston Posted November 28, 2007 Author Share Posted November 28, 2007 Wow WS, some EXs truly know how to rub it in!!! The 3rd party effect in full force. She sounds like a remarkable person!?! Good on ya for moving on Link to comment
emalkoc Posted November 28, 2007 Share Posted November 28, 2007 Depends on the 3rd party, better than you or not and person still in love w/ you. I have dated 2 girls while we were on a break last year. Both girls were amazing in my opinion but I love my ex. When she wanted to get back together, I never hesitate to dump the last girl, but I had no commitment anyways..We are still friends. I think sometimes, EXes should go out and test the ground and see the difference between us and others...if they think that the grass is greenier than so be it...let them go..easy to say but very difficult to accept.. I am having really bad day today because my ex came back from her vacation w/ LDR and she has not made any attempts for LC. I saw her online yesterday, my heart almost stopped. I could not sleep at all last nite, I am itching to call her or send a message... Eric Link to comment
rokston Posted November 28, 2007 Author Share Posted November 28, 2007 Cats, I think the odds tend to be less in our favor so waiting is not right bet!! Severing all ties is the best move ... then you don't wait around to feel the punches of the 3rd party effect gone wrong!! Link to comment
Wandering_Sword Posted November 28, 2007 Share Posted November 28, 2007 Well - it is something I would love to know about.... Right now my ex just started seeing someone (we've been apart for 8 or 9 months now.) Does he just need to get out there before realizing what we truly had? Or is he simply so over it and moving on. Unfortunately we just never know... I can no longer hold out hope that we'll be back together. I know we would have made a beautiful blended family. I think the third party effect - has a 50/50 chance in working in your favor or against you. Do you wait around to find out???? I already look pathetic in his eyes... I've just severed all ties today. Nah, you never wait for anyone. Take your lumps and losses and find something else to do for yourself. As for looking pathetic in others eyes, bah his view doesn't matter much since he left. Besides, you look like gold in ours Link to comment
rokston Posted November 28, 2007 Author Share Posted November 28, 2007 I know where you're coming from. But I do not think it is about "better" than you or not .. its the summation of many things. Had an ex years back that left me, went into a physically abusive relationship and just could not get emotionally detached from it. She was so confused and muddled up about what to do in life that she was in self destruct mode. I remember meeting up with her months after the breakup - I was over it then and she was feeling bad. She said she knew her rebound relationship was a terrible one and she could not understand why she stayed in it .. but she did!! Anyways, I've been with several people after my most recent break up. All had something I liked in them but I could not emotionally connect on any level because I am still hung up on the ex. I guess sometimes it just takes more time than others. I hope if she is doing the same her experiences are similar... maybe then there is hope or maybe we are just both letting go slooowly?!?! As for your situation, don't give in, wait for her to get in touch!! Hope you get a good night's kip tonight Link to comment
CatsMeeoow Posted November 28, 2007 Share Posted November 28, 2007 Nah, you never wait for anyone. Take your lumps and losses and find something else to do for yourself. As for looking pathetic in others eyes, bah his view doesn't matter much since he left. Besides, you look like gold in ours Oh --- you have NO idea how badly I needed to hear that!!!! Because today I'm pretty sure I sunk to an all time low with him! No bother... just pick myself up and mosey along... I'm banking on the fact that one day... maybe not tomorrow, maybe not the day after that, maybe not until 6mo from now... those stupid things that annoy him from me will somehow worm into his heart and he'll one day ache for the days I used to over email him! Of course I can't wait here until it happens but it certainly won't happen while I'm having any type of contact with him... I will win him again and I will win him without evening trying... I will burn myself into his soul... he'll wonder why he didn't let me in... he will miss me. Ok - must cut back on all those cold meds... LOL!!! Link to comment
ClarkM Posted November 28, 2007 Share Posted November 28, 2007 3rd party $ucks big time hence my lastest thread about the honeymoon almost ended. It depends what the situation was/is and how much you are willing to give and take to make things work. We've already got back and reconciled but it's tough to swallow when you know during the break they had releations and the same goes for myself. But that was time away and your no longer a couple so you really can't be upset. I'm a dumba$$ and want to know what happened but what good does it do me? zilch! - most people don't want to know. Link to comment
CreoUCLA Posted November 28, 2007 Share Posted November 28, 2007 I know a couple that had been together for years (6+ through h.s./college), and then she left him one day to see if the "grass was greener" (a co-worker). It wasn't. He dated another girl during their time apart, and also realized that it wasn't. They got back together after ~2 years or so, and have been together for the past 1.5-2 years and just got engaged earlier this year. The irony? That is my ex's brother and his (now) fiance. They were first loves, and my ex and I are first loves too. And wouldn't you know... My ex broke up with me so she didn't have to feel guilty about hanging out with a co-worker she has "feelings" for. ~6 years of love means nothing when there is someone new and shiny who gives her attention. He does/did have a gf too. The funny part is that every time I say that we cannot be friends and that we need to move on, she always comes back. I get the "I'm sorry..." , "I still want us to be friends (one day)..." , "there's no new relationship, we're just hanging out" , etc. I even told her more recently, "I prefer you not contact me anymore so we can both move on with class and dignity." So what does she do? She sends me a birthday gift with a card saying, "I know you probably don't want to hear from me..." What a dope. Granted I am her first bf, so she probably feels antsy (since we've been in a LDR for the past year)... But I am nobody's safety net. I've let go, so why can't she? I've realized that I want/deserve better than my ex can give me. Maybe in time she'll change, but she is way too selfish/immature. I'm not waiting around for someone like that... -Mike- Link to comment
thouse Posted November 28, 2007 Share Posted November 28, 2007 Cats what did you do today to sink to an all time low? Link to comment
selkie Posted November 28, 2007 Share Posted November 28, 2007 The two guys who broke up with me earlier this year both came back after dating/sleeping with other women. Their feelings were stronger after comparing me to others. I decided I do not want either of them back but it was interesting to see that my playing it cool an dnot showing I was hurt by either one left them both with an impression that I m a confident girl and they found that attractive. So it can work in the dumpee's favor. Link to comment
CatsMeeoow Posted November 28, 2007 Share Posted November 28, 2007 Cats what did you do today to sink to an all time low? I called him from a number that he wouldn't recognize so he would answer it (if he knew if was me it would have gone to voicemail....) It was stupid really... he was soooo caught off guard... I just was working on some art/Christmas favor projects and had a few left over and just wanted to know the names of his nieces... I could only remember one of them as I hadn't met the other. They are just cute little boxes for postit notes with cute graphics and their names. I don't have enough girls in my family (a lot of boys!) so I thought they would get a kick out of it. Once he got over his shock that he was talking to me he said it was cute and that he was sure they would appreciate it. I told him I'd finish them up and mail them to him. I AM SOOOOOOO LAME!!!!!! Link to comment
rokston Posted November 29, 2007 Author Share Posted November 29, 2007 Very nice gesture. Not very good for you though.. I thinks it's easy to make excuses like this to get in touch with the ex.. Link to comment
CatsMeeoow Posted November 29, 2007 Share Posted November 29, 2007 You know that's my outlet though... my creativity... it heals me... it makes me feel good... and well giving something to his nieces makes me feel good. I already got the email last night stating that he has moved on and there is nothing more I can do... it is too late for us. The creativity is an outlet for me... it will heal me and with time I think we will forgive each other. I can't think otherwise at this moment. I've known him a long time (since high school)... I can't think that all of that is lost as tht is tooo painful. I will let him go with love and pray that God knows what he is doing for each of us. Link to comment
rokston Posted November 29, 2007 Author Share Posted November 29, 2007 Funny ( .. or tragic depending on the mood) thing is that my ex is behaving almost exactly like her sister. Unsure, confused, checking out the greenery etc. Her sister's bf left her a year ago after being fed up with her constant uncertainty (they had broken up for some months a few years back too). Same reason I broke up with my ex (though technically all she had to say was, don't do it..). Now a year later her sister is still very very hung up on him ... Maybe my ex will be hung up on me one day Link to comment
CreoUCLA Posted November 29, 2007 Share Posted November 29, 2007 Now a year later her sister is still very very hung up on him ... Maybe my ex will be hung up on me one day Well, I bent over backwards for my ex to make her happy. I never got the same back, so I'm actually pretty relieved now that we've broken up. If she's hung up on me or not, I do know that she will think of me and how good she had it one day... And I'll be long gone. -Mike- Link to comment
emalkoc Posted November 29, 2007 Share Posted November 29, 2007 I wonder what woman feel like when they go out and fool around few guys and see the grass in NOT greener , do they still wanna come back? I know as a man, I did go back...per my other post... Link to comment
thouse Posted November 29, 2007 Share Posted November 29, 2007 Oh Cats, I thought we were working on not contacting them. Where is SuperDave with that DuckTape when you need him. Link to comment
thouse Posted November 29, 2007 Share Posted November 29, 2007 Well, I bent over backwards for my ex to make her happy. I never got the same back, so I'm actually pretty relieved now that we've broken up. If she's hung up on me or not, I do know that she will think of me and how good she had it one day... And I'll be long gone. -Mike- don't you just have this relieved feeling like damn I'm glad that's over because working at keeping them happy was another full time job? Link to comment
CreoUCLA Posted November 29, 2007 Share Posted November 29, 2007 don't you just have this relieved feeling like damn I'm glad that's over because working at keeping them happy was another full time job? Yes, it really was. I always had to put her ahead of myself, to keep someone happy that was generally unhappy with herself. The new guy will probably realize that sooner or later, and we'll see if he thinks she's worth never being truly valued by her... My parents could always sense something was amiss with her... They told me, "She doesn't want to be close to us, even after ~5 years. If she wants to be a part of this family, she should get closer to us." On the other hand, I always had to spend time with her family. Her excuse? "I always feel like I have to try too hard to impress you when I'm with your family (or friends)." Nice, huh? It's not like hanging out with her family/friends all the time was a picnic... Especially when I was missing out on my own. Earlier this year my mom said, "She's not the one for you." How right she was! Of course I miss the idea of "us" and the good times we had together, but I also see how toxic the relationship was to me. This is really helping me in letting go. Boundaries... That's what I'm working on now. I find it ironic/amusing that at the beginning (usually), a dumper will only see the negative aspects of the relationship to help validate their decision... The dumpee does the opposite. As time goes by, it seems like the roles reverse (if there was no cheating/abuse)... I'm really starting to see all the negatives, and I'm sure she will, in time, really miss/appreciate all that I was to her. -Mike- Link to comment
emalkoc Posted November 29, 2007 Share Posted November 29, 2007 Creo, Your story is very similar to mine except you are wearing wrong jersey as me being a Trojan....LOL Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.