Can Anyone Else Relate to This?

[MarkWA65]

OK so I guess I should start this with a little background. About nine years ago I sort of gave up on dating. I retreated into the safety of my appartment and burried myself in video games and my career. I thought I was happy being alone and prety much figured that I would be that way the rest of my life.

 

But a few weeks before my 42nd birthday I had sort of an awakening. One night I was feeling so alone and despised what I had let myself become. I was 275 pounds, looked like hell, and felt even worse. Then like a light switch being flipped on I decided to flip my life around 180 degrees. Since that time I have lost over 50 pounds (with several more to go), I have seen doctors and a dentist and started repairing the damage I did to my body and my self esteem. And I am starting to feel prety damn good about myself again.

 

To work on the lonlieness part of my life I joined several online dating services. However after sending out over a hundred interest notifications on several different sites and sitting back and waiting for several weeks not a single one replied. This was destroying my newfound self esteem. So I have since cancelled all of these accounts.

 

Something happened in last several weeks though. I met this woman named Cara. She is single and not seeing anyone, she is 14 years younger than me, has a 4 year old son, and is a co-worker of mine. One day at work while talking with her I started to feel something I hadn't felt in at least 13 years. I had butterflies in my stomach. And of course having taken so much time off from dating and because she is a co-worker I told myself that I should just try and suppress these feelings and move on with my life. It has now been 5 weeks since these feelings first surfaced and I still cannot shake them. Seeing her at work every day makes it hard for me to concentrate on my job.

 

I have talked with friends, posted on other relationship sites, and spent countless hours conteplating what I should do. I am trying to take their advice and remain friendly with her and hope that someday I will have the courage to ask her out. But at this point I am not sure that I can handle whatever the outcome would be positive or negative. But someday when I feel I can I am sure I will ask her out. I am sure that I could not live the rest of my life not knowing.

 

If anyone else has had a similar experience or has any words of wisdom I would appreciate hearing from you...

 

Some days I think I am going to go crazy...

 

--MJ

[ironpumper]

Well. I can relate, I fell for a girl 18 years younger than me. Of course at first I didn't even consider the possibility of her and I, but couldn't stop thinking about her. Over the next 5 years, we were up and down, friendship wise, never a real 'relationship'-Lots of fights and arguments, but we always wound up friends again. Looking back, she was far too young and immature for me. She was so gorgeous and smart and fun, but looking back, I would NOT have made the effort. As for the co-worker situation, I 've run into that a few times, and it all turned out bad. There's someone here at my current job that is amazing, and a co-worker informed me she has a crush on me. BUT we both agreed that dating co-workers isn't a good idea. At a past job, I lost my position because of a conflict between myself and a co-worker who I had an interest in.

Now this is just stuff that happened to me, and I'm not implying that's what'll happen for you. Just BE AWARE and BE CAREFUL with your heart. It's SO easy to fall for a younger, beautiful girl. A LOT of middle-aged guys have, and a couple of friends my age (late 40's) have married girls 12-18 years younger than them. Woulda coulda shoulda, I won't do that to you, if you feel you HAVE to try, like I did, you HAVE to try, or it'll eat ya up. Just be careful, you can REALLY fall hard for her.....

[Slick]

MJ,

First I'd like to say Congrats on turning your life around and losing so much weight plus more to go!

 

I think that if you try and play it safe you may end up never knowing what could of been, sometimes you need to step it up alittle and take that chance or fall in life, you never will know the outcome until you try right?

I wouldn't really say drop a huge load of hints, just show some interest in say like her son, show you care or soemthing like that!

Some way to get the ball rolling!

 

Slick

[Jeffrey2095]

Hi MarkWA65, and welcome to ENA!

 

Relate...?

 

Well, I am 46, live in Seattle and up until a while ago was a shut-in more or less.

 

Finally, I decided I had had enough and went on a self-improvement plan, much like yours.

 

It took patience, but it did pay off, I don't think I will be lonely ever again.

 

Um, I would go ahead and ask her, even though you are co-workers.

 

Go for it!

 

Jeffr

[matts0344]

Can't really help you, I'm currently in the "giving up and retreating into the safety of my appartment and burrying myself in video games and my career" state.

 

Telling myself that I will be fine alone, when in reality...I just don't know.

 

This part I can relate to 100%. Though I take care of my body (I exercise a lot, got loads of free time after work).

 

You sound like you are doing better though, even if it doesn't work out with that girl I bet you could find another one.

[talo]

I would just keep chatting to her, showing your interest, and see what develops. No need for big steps, just very small ones. In my experience, big steps equate to a big rush and often a rush in is a rush out. Rushing has a scent of desperation about it.

[bulletproof]

I agree with talo. Just let life unfold naturally. Pursue a friendship with her and get to know her better. You don't have to ask her out on a formal date yet or confess your feelings. And there's nothing wrong with considering dating a coworker. It only makes sense that you would find potential dates at the place you go every day.

[MarkWA65]

I am very happy that so many people responded so quickly... it helps me realize that I am not alone and really helps me to calm myself and keep focused

[ultraviolet]

Welcome to ENA Mark! I too agree with Talo. Let me let you in on a little secret that's worked for me: Don't think. Just ask her out to something fun and casual that you think you both would enjoy. If you have a great time, ask her out again. If not, it's okay.

 

The danger comes in giving up before you've even tried. I know from where you're standing potential rejection seems the more painful of two options, but having been on both sides of the fence, I can honestly tell you that surpressing your feelings and trying to convince yourself that you're doomed to be alone is a lot worse.

 

If the idea of a "relationship" is too stressful right now, what about making new friends who share your interests? I started volunteering earlier this year, and I can't tell you how much it's changed my life. Seattle is a wonderful place with a lot of singles in their 30s & 40s. There's no reason to be alone if you don't want to.

 

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[MarkWA65]

Thanx for the replu UV... I sure wish I could be one of those guys that could just do it and not think ... unfortunately I'm one of those overthinkers ... but I'm sure trying to change that about myself

 

--MJ

[Batya33]

Just understand that by the time you get around to it, she may not be around (available, I mean). That happened with a few guys who took their sweet time following up for a second or third date after I met my boyfriend a few years ago. You never know.

[MarkWA65]

True Batya33... she has been single and not seeing anyone for a while... and in a group setting mentioned that she has troubble meeting guys because she spends all her time with her son or with her friends who also have kids... So I am taking a chance that she will still be available when I am ready but it is a chance I have to take.

 

--MJ

[Psylocke]

Just ask her for coffee or have lunch with her at work, nothing complicated at first.

 

Just do it. The longer you wait the more agony you put yourself through and you risk losing the chance. Life is too short to keep wondering and hoping. If she turns you down, pick yourself up and keep going. Vent about it on ENA if she says no, or if all goes well you could be giving the juicy details of a first date.

[Jeffrey2095]

Yeah guy, you kind of have to find a balance between seeming too forward too soon and waiting too long and lose her.

 

You have already talked to her...

 

I would ask her to something simple like lunch like Psylocke suggested, it sounds like you have enough established with her to do that.

 

Good luck guy!

 

Jeffr

[Blue Dreamer]

You are by far not alone. I know how you feel to well, to feel so alone. I wish I could just do it and not think about it also.

 

That being said,

 

Understand that you are 40 and she is 26. Understand the general long-term implications of such a discrepant age difference. If they are at your maturity (which is most unlikely), go for it, else move on and realize there are others looking for people like you.

 

You have to look hard for peeps your age in similar situations (age, relation, kids, etc) They are there, you have to work harder to find them.

[ultraviolet]

Mark, the problem is we're never ready! Believe me I know. I've spent many years being a hermit. This is why I suggested going out and making some friends based on common interest. The social experience is good "practice" for when you actually deeply care about someone or something and need to step up to bat.

[MarkWA65]

Thanx UV...

 

I keep trying to remain calm when I am around her... today I had to head home after a meeting and and work from home the rest of the day because seeing her today really set off a flood of emotions... I am grateful every day that I work at a place where I can do that.

 

I appreciate the support of the people here more than you can imagine

 

--MJ

[MarkWA65]

I had to make up an excuse to leave work again today... I think the diet supplements I am on are wreaking havoc with my emotions... I am not using any suplements for a few days to see if that helps any.

 

--MJ

[MarkWA65]

Well changing the supplements has worked... the weight loss is slower but my emotions are in check. And I am not thinking about Cara every waking moment. I still have hope I can be with her someday but I now have control of myself again and can look at it more logically and calmly and just let things happen naturally.

 

--MJ

[MarkWA65]

I was having a really good day today, I actually thought I could see some iigns of interest from Cara late last week and this afternoon when speaking with her. Then later in the day today I saw her out for a walk with a younger, better looking, guy from a different department. I just about had a panic attack. Now I'm not sure what I should do.

 

--MJ

[surfNski]

Man I say make a move, you don't want to miss your chance and always wonder what could have been.

 

"20 years from now, you will be more disappointed in the things you didn’t do than in the ones you did do." - Mark Twain

[MarkWA65]

I tossed and turned all night, probably got two hours of sleep total ... I have decided that I need to ask one of the two of them if they are dating ... I guess it will depend on which I can get alone for a few minutes first.

 

--MJ

[MarkWA65]

I caught Nick this morning in the hallway and asked him if he is dating Cara and he assured me they are just friends. He asked me why I wanted to know and I told him I am interested in her and that after seeing the two of them yesterday I thought my shot with her was gone because I just can't compete with him for women. And he told me he thinks I certainly could. I am not sure I believe him 100% but this has put me at ease and now I can decide how best to approach Cara. And maybee I'll get some sleep tonite.

 

--MJ

[ghost69]

when i first read this i thought this was high school drama....if you skip out the 42 part. why are you competing for women with some guy you know? i noticed one line where you are an overthinker. i think you need to man up and just try for women you like. whether someone else is going for them or not. if you lose out, you lose out. move on.

 

you need to say something to this girl and get it over with. so you know and so you can move on.

[MarkWA65]

Absolutely right Ghost ... my problem lies in that I have never been good with the ladies and 8 years of not dating and self loathing has bruised my self esteem like you wouldnt believe ... Then all of a sudden a women comes into my life that awakens feelings I havent felt in literraly 13 years and it has created a chaos in my life that I am struggling very hard to deal with ... But I am also now at a point where I can accept rejection or acceptance when I ask her so it won't be long now.

 

--MJ