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Unusual Dilemma, please advise


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I met this wonderful woman in July as she was packing to move back to her home town in the Midwest. She had moved to the west coast six months earlier and decided she didn’t like it so she wanted to head back home. We met in the hall of our building and got into a conversation about why she was leaving. I can’t explain what happen next except to say that during that conversation we just “clicked” and could not stop talking to each other. The conversation went on for hours and ended with a kiss. From that moment on we were inseparable. For two weeks we were constantly together and enjoyed each others company immensely.


Then she moved 2300 miles away. We never discussed what we were going to do about our relationship. I think we just assumed we would find a way to continue. Two weeks later I went to visit her for a week and we had a blast. A few weeks later she came to visit me and we again enjoyed each others company.


But it is now November and things have deteriorated quite a bit. She hated the long distance thing right from the beginning and over the last few months I noticed her becoming more and more depressed. We talk every day on the phone and over time our conversations went from being light and funny to real downers. “When am I going to see you?” has become the only topic and it has gotten old real fast. The cost of seeing each other coupled with taking time off from work has become an issue for me. We both admitted that the phone is a poor substituted for a relationship and I am tired of marathon calls where we talk about nothing except how much we miss each other.


A little background on both of us, she is a single parent with two children, 23 and 19 years old. Her youngest left home in April to start a career on the west coast. The oldest is married. She is on disability and works sporadically part time. I am single and have a full time job that requires quite a bit of travel. I live alone and don’t date much because I find it exhausting and I’m tired of the games.


In order to get over all the obvious problems she suggested coming to stay with me two or three weeks out of each month. I immediately found that idea flawed. She intends to do the five day drive to get here so she will have a car while here. I asked her, “What will you do all day while I am at work?” her response was “volunteer work.” She also said that the way my apartment is currently set up is unsatisfactory for her and she will need to charge the kitchen, bathroom and bedroom which needs more furniture in it so she can feel comfortable in my place.


I keep wondering if I am being the bad guy here but isn’t that a little too much to do for someone who I only dated for two weeks and then spent a couple of more weeks with? I suggested it might be way too much for someone I don’t know that well to semi-move into my apartment and rearrange the furniture. A comment she blew up at taking great offense to my saying, “we don’t know each other that well.” I thought I was being an adult by pointing it out and being realistic. I’m not sure why she got so angry.


I feel the “honeymoon phase” of our relationship was interrupted just as we were getting to know each other. The long distance thing has added this layer of hardship we both weren’t prepared for. She is taking it way harder than I am and talking to her has become a real drag. I keep asking myself if I would feel this way if she hadn’t moved or where would our relationship be now without the distance problem? The answer is always, “I don’t know” and quite frankly the frustration is getting tiresome. I am not the type of person to exist in a limbo type situation and I feel the need to resolve this. She has become angry, depressed and miserable. This lead to her now pressuring me to take steps to improve our situation and I honestly don’t know what the answer is.


Am I a jerk for thinking this isn’t working and won’t work in the future? Am I wrong for thinking that her staying with me two or three weeks a month is way too much for someone I really haven’t spent much time with? If we were dating for six months or a year I would be much surer about our relationship but technically we’ve spent about five weeks together. I thought I was being mature pointing that out but only got grief for it. I would honestly like to move closer to her area but that won’t be for a year or two and at the rate things are going I can’t see her dealing with the wait.


This situation is unusual so when I ask my friends for advice all I get are blank stares because no one I know has been through it. Hearing some unbiased opinions would be invaluable to me. I know I wrote a lot so I thank you for taking the time to read my post.



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I don't think your concerns are unreasonable at all. You are right, you have not spent much time together and her moving in "almost" while you are having doubts is definitely not the right step.


And I don't think not wanting her to re-arrange YOUR apartment is unreasonable either! I wonder whom is supposed to pay for the new furniture to make her feel more "at home"?


Sounds to me like you got caught up in the early heat of things, and now you are seeing her a bit more for whom she really is and you aren't as sure.


I am sure the distance is not easy for EITHER of you, but I would suspect if it were not the distance there would be something else she may become miserable, and angry about - like pressuring you to move in together or get married. Distance has a way of showing you how people deal with the pressure and stress in life, and change....and while she may ONLY be this way due to the distance, I would really look at it as indicative of how she may deal with other frustrations, stresses.

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