cheating spouse/ long

[letalya]

Hello,

 

I'm new to this site and in need of advice. i hope someone here can give me some helpfull advice. I have been married for 12 years. Me and my husband has had a rocky relationship most of our marriage. We have been together since we were 14 years old. We lost our virginity when we was 16 years old. I got pregnant the first time we had sex, with (twins boy and girl) we were in love and everything was going great until we turn 18. He wanted to see other women but I was so inlove with him. I wanted us to get married so I chose not to date anyone but him. When we was broken up he father 3 different kids by ex-girlfriends. I put up with this until I was 20 years old. I decided that we may never get back together so I finally started dating. When he found out I was dating another man he went crazy and told me he love me and wanted us to get married. We as 23 years old when we got married.

 

I tried doing the right thing by forgiving him about all the women he slept with while we were broken up. I found out through DNA testing that the 3 kids was his after all. I love him so much that I excepted his kids as if they were my own. Now I knew in my heart he was cheating early in our marrige but I didn't find out until the 5th year into our marriage. I found out he had been cheating on me with 3 women. 1st one claimed she was pregnant and had an abortion. The 2nd women got pregnant and kept the child. The 3 women he had an on/off relationship with her before we got married. They kept seeing each other after we were married. The only reason he admitted to the affairs was all the women had some kind of proof.

 

After I kick him out of the house he beg to come back home and promise to be faith. He did really good and stop cheating for the next 3 years. Going into our 9th year of marriage. He started back staying out all night and making excusses to be with his guy friends, which I knew he was lying. I block it out and told myself he was telling the truth. Three months of him staying out late a female call me on my phone and told me she has been seeing my husband and didn't know he was married. I was more hurt this time because I knew he was always going to cheat on me. I didn't know what to do because I had 3 more children by him and was a stay at home mom. Plus I really did love him. After all he was the only man that I slept with. I let him come back home again this time after 2 months of seperation. He has been faithfull every since, which has been a year in a half now.

 

I don't know what has happen to me but I can't stand to be around him anymore. I feel so bad because I thought I could forgive him. For the past 2 years he had been home and spending time with our youngest kids. I can't trust him anymore. I feel like I should have left him a year and a half ago instead of taking him back. Now I feel like I'm doing him wrong in the our marriage

 

For the 1st time in my life I want to be single and work things out in my own life. I'm back in school recieving my college degree. I'm feeling very insecure in my marriage. I just don't know if he's truly sorry and will remain faithfull, or just slowing down for a short while. Everytime he leaves the house I accuse him of cheating and thats not fair to me or him. If I tell him I never gotten over any of the affairs it will seem like I have never forgiving him and everyone deserves a 2nd chance. So my qustion for you is SHOULD I STAY IN THIS MARRIAGE AND WAIT FOR HIM TO CHEAT AGAIN TO LEAVE, or TRY TO WORK THINGS OUR BECAUSE HE MAY NOT CHEAT AGAIN.

[Scoobie]

I get so depressed when i read stories like yours.

 

Women are so week, so fragile.

 

Too forgiving, too ready to take back anyone.

 

Let me guess. You're staying because of your children.

 

Your children will be worse off when they are in a dysfunctional family.

 

Here is a very typical pattern:

 

You don't want to be around your husband, and soon you're going to hate it when he even touches you. Your not going to want to do sexual activities with him anymore. If he's needy in that area, the marriage will start to become dysfunctional. It's not your fault. Im saying how the pattern goes with women who usually say they don't want to be around their husband.

 

I am so sorry for your situation. Unfortunately, you will probably end up staying with him.

 

Please make proper decisions in your life. Is this the person you want to be with when you are 35, 40, 45, 50?

[Scoobie]

What I'm trying to say is that your children living in a house of hell is probably worse than living with divorced parents.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Good morning,

 

Well I was in a relationship with a cheater once. Usually, their cheating is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to disrespectful behaviors toward their mates. They are also usually verbally disrespectful and mentally disrespectful. Ask yourself how else your husband disrespects you. Then think about the fact that your children are watching you two and they're learning that this is how relationships work and they're learning that one party gets to continually hurt the other one and the hurt one just puts up with it. I know you don't want your kids growing up just putting up with someone hurting them constantly and thinking it's ok. I know you don't want your kids growing up to be the perpetrators.

 

If you are feeling like you are tired of it, that is your conscience is telling you that you've put up with plenty and now it's time for you to act on your feelings. Start planning for your separation from him. Things you're going to have to plan -- paying for a lawyer for the divorce, living without him around, support for you to raise your kids, going to school. Another idea might be to complete your degree first and then leave. You'll be in a better position to support your children.

 

If you're going to have to stay with him for a little while, keep in mind how you are laying the foundation for your new life. And how satisfying it's going to be to see your plans come to fruition. This helped me a lot when I was prepping to exit my marriage to a verbal/mental abuser. Talk to him as little as possible and don't fight with him; he's not worth fighting with.

[cuddlester]

Yes, he deserved a 2nd chance. You gave him one and a 3rd chance too, but he didn't respect you for it. He won't change until his balls are either surgically removed or he gets too old to care about sex. Guys who cheat KNOW what they are doing when they do it. They know the situation they are putting themselves in BEFORE the temptation comes. They know when they had enough to drink at that bar before they end up at the hotel room, but they get themselves in that situation anyway.

 

I am sorry this might hurt you, but I think I learned a thing or two about cheaters from my exwife and the stories of others. Cheaters are just a different breed of people. These "cheater types" are just born that way, and it's in their genes to cheat to spread their genetic code by impregnating other women outside of their marriage. You can even see this in the animal kingdom with some types of usually monogamous birds. There are birds who cheat and those who don’t.

 

In the end it gets their rocks off every time to think how they are sneaking around, even if it hurts you when you find out. Worse yet each time you forgive him, he just disrespects you more because he sees you as weak for him. You can forgive him, and he'll just reward you with more cheating down the road because that is what he is in love with, the sneaking around and doing it behind someone’s back (the actual sex doesn’t even matter probably).

 

I say let the guy cheat on some other person but you. You don’t sleep around, do you? If not, you deserve better than a guy who does.

[worried619]

I have been there and done that with my ex husband also. We were young and in love too. But, you will start to have that "dont touch me feeling" and sex will become undesireable...so yes he will cheat just like mine did. Get out now while you can. You can do bad on your own, trust me. I kicked mine to the curb and I havent regreted it since. Yes, I stayed because of my daughter, but my daughter also saw him physically abuse me and call me names quite often. It may hurt like hell at first, and you might be scared, but this is the best thing for your sanity. You only get one chance to be you, you might as well have the chance to look back and enjoy the ride you had getting there. Good luck to you and be blessed.

[Scoobie]

letalya, where is your family?

 

Do they know about this?

[letalya]

You are right when you say women can be weak, I am one of them. When i was in my 20s i knew i wanted to be with him forever. Now 35yrs. old, I know I want something better. Now it's just telling him I want out. I'm gratefull for your honesty about me staying with him. If I thought he would never cheat again I would get counsoling and work on forgiving him. But going by our history I know he will never change.

[letalya]

letalya, where is your family?

 

Do they know about this?

 

Yes my family do know about his cheating. They would hear rumors from people too. I would say it's not true, until my sister would tell me that everytime she go to a club or bar she would see him. My sister is single and could not understand why he would go to clubs and not have me with him. My sister wants me to leave the marriage but my mom keeps telling me that since he not hitting me that I should just ignore his cheating. My mom says she will support me if I leave him but I can tell she wants me to stay.

[letalya]

yes my children do know, they found out by accident. one of the females called the house and ask to speak to her dad, when i took the phone from my daughter she heard me on the phone talking to the women. that was 2yrs ago. Now my daughter is 18 in college. She told my son and other daughter in anger. My middle daughter which is 15, my oldest son which is my oldest daughter twin brother is 18. they don't want their father here anymore. He does not know his oldest kids feel this way.

letalya, where is your family?

 

Do they know about this?

 

What I'm trying to say is that your children living in a house of hell is probably worse than living with divorced parents.

[letalya]

I want to thank everyone here that was thoughtful enough to leave me a comment, I'm going to take everything everyone has said very serious and think about how Im going to tell my husband. I'm going to try and finish school first but it's getting so hard to live in the same house with my husband. I have never cheated on my husband but I have meet different guys I would date if I was single. I have notice my oldest daugter is repeating the same pattern as me. I was really upset when she found out her boyfriend has cheated on her, she decided to give him another chance. It's starting to affect her grades. The sad thing is I or her father never allowed her to date until college to avoid this situation here. I blame myself for her being so weak, that is one of the reasons I decided I was going to have to leave my marriage. I came to you guys because I thought I was wrong for feeling like this and he has been faithful now for 2 years. I know if I ask for a seperation or counsoling he's going to tell me no because he has been faithful and that i'm wrong for bringing up the past. So I do feel like I can't wait until I graduate from school in 2yrs. because I see my daughter repeating my

lifestyle. Thank you so much hear

[Scoobie]

Just wanted to warn you about something.

 

Yes, he will tell you that he's been faithful for 2 years.

 

BUT PLEASE HEED THIS ADVICE

 

When you finally tell him you want out, DONT TELL HIM THAT THE REASON IS BECAUSE HE MIGHT CHEAT AGAIN.

 

NO!

 

The reason you want out is because you can no longer be with him, because of all the things in the past.

[letalya]

I'm glad you told me that, because that is the first thing I would have said to him. I will not be lying when I say (its because of all the things that has happen in our past because its the truth) THANKS!

[Scoobie]

Scoobie,

Why do you think she shouldn't tell him that she is leaving because he might cheat again...because even if he hasn't done it for 2 years, I think once that line is crossed, it is much easier to cross it again. I just want to hear your thoughts on it. Thanks, WR

 

Hello,

 

Yes, i do think he will cheat again. She knows he will cheat again.

 

But because she is weak (no offense to her), if she tells him she is leaving because he is going to do it again, he will promise her that he won't, that he didn't do anything for 2 years...then she will fall for it.

 

If she tells him she's leaving because of what he did in the past, there is nothing he can say to convince her. Everything that has happened in the past has already happened. The break up will be about what happened in the past, and hopefully this will help her in not falling for his tricks again.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Hello,

 

Yes, i do think he will cheat again. She knows he will cheat again.

 

But because she is weak (no offense to her), if she tells him she is leaving because he is going to do it again, he will promise her that he won't, that he didn't do anything for 2 years...then she will fall for it.

 

If she tells him she's leaving because of what he did in the past, there is nothing he can say to convince her. Everything that has happened in the past has already happened. The break up will be about what happened in the past, and hopefully this will help her in not falling for his tricks again.

 

He will probably tell her that anyway, so be prepared for it, OP. But the advice to make it about the past deeds is solid, because it will help set the tone for the conversation, I hope. Make it about you making a healthy choice for yourself and your kids and keep the conversation there.

[letalya]

I do know what ever reason I give him, he's not going to make it easy on me. I would have to say things are over because I have no more trust in this marriage. I know my husband and if I was to say it's over because of something that happen in our past he will throw up in my face that I'm not being fair. When everytime he cheated I did let him move back into the house and told him that i forgive him. At the time I thought I could forgive him, but after each affair I was coming to the reality of our marriage that he was never going to change. I have to make a decision on "could I handle sharing my husband with other women" and if i could I would but I can't and have tried. I know now I deserve better in a relationship. If I was to stay in my marriage we would need a real seperation. He has never known me to be with another man and the fact that I'm living my life without him would just kill him. I haven't made my decision on how or when I'm going to tell him but it's over right now. I'm not happy. Happiness is what I want right now. I'm going to make a better example to my kids.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Best thing to do when you tell him is don't argue. No matter what he says, keep repeating your truth. No arguing. Say as little as possible. Keep it simple.

[fnlyfrei]

Scoobie...I like the bulk of the advice you are giving, but I take issue with the defining terms you give women of being absoloutely weak. Yes, we CAN be weak...and so can some men. Some women start off weak (as I was) and end up real beaches..and will not accept any abuse in any form from anyone. As women, girls, we are taught to be nice, not make trouble..even not to think too hard. Then after a man runs over us, we are basically called stupid. I believe it's largely due to conditioning.

 

I also believe in change, and that once a woman feels empowered, owns her own self, and stops thinking all of her self worth lies in how subservient she must or can be....she can re-train her thought process. Putting her down doesn't do this. We might act stupidly or emotionally...even irrationally...but it doesn't define us. We can change. She can change. It's hard, but it is worth it.