new LDR with love of my life...

[stylz987]

So it's a long story, but I met this girl about 6 years ago and always seemed to have a lot of chemistry going. I was crazy about her and never liked a girl as much as I liked her. I spent many sleepless nights thinking about her and even brought up my feelings with her. However due some drama with her friend who liked me, and us attending colleges hundreds of miles apart, nothing really amounted out of it. After awhile I started dating someone, which lasted for 3 years. During this time me and her kept in contact, developing a purely platonic relationship. 3 years later, me and my girlfriend broke up, and me and my huge crush started talking more and more.

 

Just about 6 months ago she had to spend a few days for work near me, and we met up (we now live even farther away). Things happened between us physically. However, since we both had been drinking heavily, I was convinced she didn't feel anything towards me. It had been about 6 years since I brought up anything about my feelings for her, and the last thing I wanted to do was to push the issue again, now that we had become such good friends. As much as I wanted to ask her if it meant anything, my friends advised me against it. So I didn't, and we didn't end up talking about what heppened. So a few days later she left, and we still kept in contact, talking even more frequently.

 

Eventually (less than a month ago), on a vacation in Europe by herself, she called me up and confessed her feelings to me saying how she had wanted to tell me for awhile, even before she came to visit, and could never get herself to do it. And after we hooked up, she said she felt even more awkward, since neither of us talked about it. When she told me how she felt, I of course told her how much I felt the same way, after all, this was/is the love of my life, and I couldn't believe that things were about to work out, 6 years later (almost story book).

 

So she cancelled her trip short and came to spend 5-6 days with me, during which sparks flew between us, we went far physically, and agreed to start a long distance relationship, attempting to see each other every other month or so.

 

So far it's been almost 3 weeks, and I'm ecstatic by the developments, but I sense that she's not as into it as I am. She's the one who confessed her feelings for me while she was on vacation, cancelled her trip short after only 3 days, and came to see me. She's told her parents that we're serious (which is a big deal for her), and we have a trip planned to a tropical location for a week during New Years. All these should seem like she's very much into me, but for some reason it doesn't seem like she is because:

 

1. I've told her I missed her on the phone twice, neither times she has said it back.

 

2. I send her text messages every once in awhile, sometimes mushy ones, and she rarely responds back, and never responds back "mushily"

 

3. It seems that I call her more than she calls me, and she's always the one to end the conversation. Maybe that's since she was living at home since just a few days ago, so she has less privacy than I do.

 

4. Sometimes I get the sense that I'm the only guy giving her this much attention, so she's trying to get herself to like me.

 

 

I realize it's only been a short time since we've started dating, but I want the mushy talk, which hasn't yet developed. Maybe it will after our vacation together, but now when we talk, for the most part it just feels like we're friends and nothing more. I don't want to bring it up to her, because I don't want her to force it from her end. Maybe since I like her so much, that in a way, I'm expecting her to act the same way back to me. I'm not sure, I'm really confused. I never in my wildest dreams expected her to fall into my lap like this, and now that it's happened, I'm scared it will end.

 

I would appreciate any sort of comments or advice, or if I'm being paranoid, for someone to just tell me....

[rs.dallaire]

Thanks for sharing your nice story. I hope everything goes well for you.

 

RE the mushy talk, some women just aren't into it.

 

RE the long distance relationship, I've been on a few of them and here's my advice. Starting a relationship is a stressful thing to do. When you don't have daily physical proximity, it encourages both parties to question and doubt the relationship.

 

If you ever feel she is a bit distant, back off and let her come back to you. I know this will be very difficult to do but you must trust me on this one.

 

I think you're a sensitive guy and your friend probably appreciates that quality of yours. Be very careful in not being too mushy, and show your feelings with reserve. Take things slowly, leave your anxiety in the closet and things should go well for you.

 

Good luck!

[tiredofvampires]

Honestly, what might be contributing to this discrepancy is that for 6 years, you have really been wanting her and feeling that she would be a dream come true -- whereas, this has probably only slowly and more recently started to come together for her, as a romantic prospect. Your post doesn't say anything directly to indicate that, but it's just the feeling I get. This was like winning at the lottery for you -- so in a sense, you have already been long invested in feelings for her. Your relationship with her romantically began a long time ago in your own mind. So for you to progress into "mushy" talk and the kinds of intensive courtship that come in the honeymoon stages feel like a natural extension of all those long-buried feelings for her. So in your timeframe, it's all right on time.

 

This may not be her framework though; for her, it wasn't so much like winning the lottery as suddenly realizing her feelings had become quite strong for a friend, and that it was worth pursuing. So she is still falling in love. She may not have fallen in love yet, even though the attraction is strong.

 

What this means is that you have to give this time to ripen, instead of grabbing hungrily at the fruit and yanking it off the tree. Part of this is, as the other poster said, being a bit restrained in how you express yourself. Normally, I am not at all an advocate of repressing feelings and not being oneself, but sometimes it is important when one person is moving more gradually into their feelings. It's like a plant that you don't want to over-water and put in the blasting sunlight, just because you want it to grow harder! This is kind of what mushy talk and the "I miss you's" can do to otherwise healthy and growing "plant." I know this first hand, because my LDR suffered from a good bit of the same -- as I started to fall for him, and in a hard way, he started HEAPING me with flowery talk, mush galore, and copious "I love you's" and "I miss you's". I barely had time to "get in the door" of this relationship, so to speak, and I felt dragged into the room, and like I was supposed to meet his speed by saying the same things. It was a very uncomfortable feeling -- loving to be adored that much and feeling so flattered and "missed", but wondering why it just seemed "too much." He was high on cloud 99, and wasn't giving me time or space to meet him there; in fact, the constant adulation even made me feel a bit coerced (if I didn't respond in kind, I hurt his feelings). I felt very guilty for these feelings, wondering what was wrong with me (wouldn't any woman want to hear these things?), but now I know it was because he was simply going into this without much attention to the natural progression that I was comfortable with.

 

I sense that in your situation, she is having to make a transition from being a penpal/friend, to a girlfriend, and since she was happy with the long distance arrangement before, missing you is going to take more time to develop. All this time she's known you, there has been security in your presense from afar, so she knows you are not going anywhere. And she has kept herself busy all this while without missing you. So you are going to have to give her time to start missing you. Right now, I hate to say this, but there is not much to miss -- she already has you. The you she can talk to, the you that is there to correspond, the you that she can enjoy the anticipation of looking forward to the next visit with. She is not in lack mode, she is in excitement mode. So it is possible that she is not yet at a stage with this relationship, given its fullness from a distance, where your absense creates in her a sense of missing yet. You have to be patient with this. I cannot stress that enough. Especially at the 3 week mark. In 3 MONTHS it will be much more appropriate to express this sentiment. You will have had much more time together and experience that can be missed. My ex started telling me he missed me waaaay too early, and in all honesty, I couldn't say it back because all I was thinking of was how happy my life was knowing he was there for me as a new love, that he was inspiring me in the things I did where I lived, and how gleefully I could fantasize about our meeting. So I was not feeling the emptiness and pain of anything, whereas he was, and that was awkward at least, disturbing at best.

 

I also agree that moderation is the key in mushy talk. Again, too much or too fast with this, and you've turned a firehose on a daisy. To each his own, but after that experience, I would use those kinds of expressions only when I am very established in my next relationship, and even then, I would use them as a seasoning very lightly, because they really do pack more of a punch when someone is longing to hear such things, or you say them at crucial moments, rather than all the time at the slightest lovey mood. I am saying, use your expressions sparingly even though you feel very passionately, and they will convey much more power over time, as you go along, and she catches up to you. She is still transitioning into the physical reality/person-I-can-actually-spend-real-time-with shape of the relationship.

 

Give her affection, but let it breathe. Sounds like you're on to something, so stop gripping out of fear that this golden egg will slip from your grip. That is the surest way to clog the works. Just ENJOY! Focus on the enjoyment of being with her and in between, the thinking of her. Feel a little secretive. Be a little secretive. For now, that is your foundation. Don't focus on the loss, lack, missing, or the gaps -- just loosen up and enjoy the feeling of this unfoldment.

 

I wish you better luck than what became of my situation.

[Dating Coach]

stylz,

 

Bro, you are bringing the drama into this relationship. When you should be going with the flow and just enjoying your time together, you're being a headcase. You're constantly putting value in a non-mushy text message and crud OVER her cutting her vacation short to be with you. Bro, STOP THINKING!!!! You're going to create drama everywhere you go if you keep analyzing every little detail. Because what is fun or exciting about dating a guy whom can't just friggin relax and have a good time? Stop it. Let it all go. If it works out, it works out. If it doesn't, it doesn't. Either way if you just focus on having a good time while you're in the relationship then you'll have real memories of good times and be thankful that you enjoyed it to the fullest. Otherwise you're just goiing to ruin the time you have with all of these worries and doubts. Let it go.

 

And secondly... you are WAY TOO OVEREAGER. Stop with the mushy stuff, stop with the constant contact with her, and stop showing more interest than she is showing in you. This is where so many guys screw up relationships. They constantly think that all women want to jump straight into a romantic relationship and end up going faster than she wants to go. I don't care what she says to you, her actions are the key to seeing where she is at.

-If she is not sending you mushy messages... then don't send her any. Doing so would be taking it further and faster than her actions are telling you she is ready for. Doing so will cause her to withdraw on you because you would be going faster than her actions are telling you she is ready for.

-If she is not calling you all of the time, then you don't call her all of the time. Her actions are telling you that she's not far enough into the connection yet where she is ready to have a constant discussion over the phone. So if you call her and get her on the phone more than her actions are saying she wants to be... then you will cause her to withdraw.

-Do not go into the mushy, "I miss you" or "I love you" stuff unless she is saying it too. If she's not going there, YOU don't go there.

 

You see, girls get turned off by guys who get too emotionally serious too quick... every bit as fast if not more fast than they are turned off if a guy goes too fast physically. Give the relationship time to build into a deep connection. Pace her, don't sprint ahead of her like you are doing. And again, I don't care what she SAYS. If her actions are showing evidence contrary to what she is saying then her actions are speaking the truth, not her words. A girl who says, "I love you" but then never calls, never hangs out, is constantly unavailable or ditching you to do mundane stuff... well she's not interest like she says is she?

 

Slow down the emotionaly stuff.