Controlling Mother

[need2b25]

I am having a lot of trouble with my controlling mother right now. I have just had a baby and have had a lot of trouble getting the hang of this. I have picked fights with my boyfriend to be able to go to see my mom, because I feel guilty that I am not with her and that I am with my baby and boyfriend. I have SEVERE separation anxiety and have had it since I was young. I need to and want to grow up and get away, but she will not let go. I have moved in with my mom and dad, however I want to go back with my boyfriend but I am afraid to tell her.

 

I wish she understood what she is doing to me and now to my son. Every time I try to leave, she calls me and makes me feel guilty. The last time, she called and told me she was dying of cancer and that I should simply think of her as dead. This is not a normal relationship and I need help to make things better. I now have someone more important to think about, and she WILL NOT make him feel guilty like she has made me for years.

 

She hates my boyfriend and is keeping my son from seeing him. She says he is controlling but she does the same things!! She asks why he wants to see him and tells me when and where he can see him.

 

Please, someone help, I can not handle this situation, and I do not want to cut ties but I will in order to help my sanity.

 

She CAN NOT AND WILL NOT control me anymore!!

](*,)

[spinstermanquee]

my dearest need2b25,

 

i am the *original* controlling mother and sad to say yer mum could learn a few things from me hehe - but at least i am trying to reform with the help of all our fellow enotaloners. i cannot tell you how many faux pas i have avoided just because of this web site - so please take everything i might tell you with a grain of salt, and understanding that i am trying to be the best possible support for my daughter, not crushing her spirit but also not giving her fish when she should be learning how to fish by herself.

 

anyhow you are completely correct, she is behaving beyond her boundaries and interfering in your relationship. how is that working? do her machinations actually land between you and your boyfriend?

 

is she trying to *punish* him for not marrying you? does she even have that kind of "morality?" if not then what is driving her to behave thusly? is he not giving any kind of support? if yes, then does she not think it adequate (in which case it's time to put the foot down)? if not, then of course she thinks it's not adequate - but you are the decider of that. so then you have to put your foot down

 

ok so some things to think about. i'll check back tomorrow for new developments

[need2b25]

Yes, what she is doing is coming between us. He was probably not the most supportive but now he realizes and wants to be a husband (he wants to get married) and a father as well. He really misses our son and wants to see him all the time. She says that I am spending too much time with him and that I am going above and beyond by letting him see his son 3 times a week. Give me a break, if someone told me that I could only see him 3 times a week, I would freak out!! I have a lot of issues to work out, but I am afraid to tell my parents that I want to go back.

 

They have put out $5,000 for a lawyer so that I can get custody of my son and my mom does not want him to be any part of our son's life. I feel that if I tell them I want to go back that they will be mad about the money. I feel that if he wants to try that I should give us a chance to be a family. She always makes comments like she hopes he does not pay child support so he will go to jail and it really makes me mad.

 

The last time we got into an argument she pretended to have a stroke, even down to my dad and I calling emergency to check on her. She has a lot of issues and refuses to go to a counselor for help.

 

I am so sad and depressed and all I want is to be with my boyfriend and son and have a family of my own. I am 25 and I think I am old enough to have this!!

 

Please help!!

[linden]

I had the same issues with my mom and still do to a much lesser extent.

 

To be honest, the only thing that saved me was seeing a therapist. He explained that my relationship with my mother was very abusive because she was controlling and constantly put me on guilt trips and that I was confusing a healthy loving relationship with an abusive one.

 

There is not much you can do right now except move out. Once you start seeing someone you will see things much more clearly and many of these Doctors are covered by your health plan.

 

Also, your baby needs a healthy mother. Kids are very sensitive to negative or anxious energy.

[JadedStar]

I had the same issues. Only my mom didn't try to control me once i had kids.

As a young kid and a teen she was horrible. I hated her. She was domineering and to be honest I had nightmares about her until i was about ten years old.

 

She had me young and just didn't know better coupled with a very aggressive personality. she was abusive physically and mentally.

 

When i turned 19 and moved out the relationship eventually began to get better. KNow why? I put my foot down. I wouldn't go around her and told her that i couldn't stand the behavior. Eventually she matured and so did I and we becamse good friends. It was a slow process.

 

Today i see her as a fabulous and smart woman. She loves helping people and is not the control freak she was once. She is the one who got me hooked on self help....she has a love of psychology as do i and she got tremendous help for herself. Today i'd say she is one of the people i admire most for haivng the courage to look in the mirror and say "i need to make some changes"...

 

The moral to this story is you are now an adult with your own family. I know guilt is powerful but if she is not good for your life keep her at arm's length. YOu no longer have to take it if she can't treat you like an adult and her equal. HOpefully like my mom maybe she'll realzie she has to calm down or lose you.

 

My husband was not so lucky. HIs mom never did grow and mature. She is pushing 70 and as nasty as ever. He severed all ties with her about 15 years ago. He had no choice. Sadly some people DON"T learn.

[need2b25]

Thank you all for your help. I know what you are saying is true; I guess I just needed to hear it from others to justify me moving out!