is it too late to try to get her back?

[SarCareBear]

so here's the deal. a friend of mine and i decided to "make our relationship more". things were going reallyy well i thought, even though she got mono, i was still around to talk to her and cuddle with her when she was feeling sick. she even had to go back to her parents house for almost a week to recover (we're at college) and she'd text me everyday and called me a couple times as well. when she got back i picked her up from the airport, we had a good night together.

 

a couple days later though she came over, told me she had had a dream about her ex bf and told me it was only fair to tell me she still thought about him from time to time. so i said thats okay. then before i knew it mine and hers relationship was in question. she knew i was going away fro the weekend and told me she wished i'd stay, however i had plans to go. when i got back from my weekend away (last weekend), and finally got back in touch with her, she dumped me. said she was too busy making up work from being sick and other responsibilities. i was devastated.

 

the next day i asked if we could get back together and she said no. she said once she decided to end things with me she closed up all posibilities. she also said it doesn't have to do with not liking me anymore.

 

well the point is it hurt me so much, since she had asked me to date her and was so affectionate and took it away in what felt like an instant (after 2 months). so i know this isn't the longest time, but we were friends first and she was a good friend to me and now she's taken it all away. is there any point trying to get back with her, however slowly, still since she said the breakup was "about getting things in order", or do i have to take emotional and physical space to heal??

[leo_s84]

how long ago did she break up with her ex before dating you?

[SarCareBear]

her ex and her ended at least a year and a half ago after an over-a-year relationship, and it was her "first love" and the one serious relationship of her life (we/re both 19). it ended because she went abroad for a year (part of their relationship) and they just couldn't keep it together. but she even said at the time, "yeah i think about him, and i loved him so much, but its not that often like its not that big of a deal". even so, it upset me at the time and made me kinda sad but looking back i would have been overjoyed that she hadn't yet dumped me....

 

more background info: we were friends for over a year and then our feelings both changed spending more time together, we began hooking up, and then SHE asked me to be exclusive about 3 weeks into it so i said Okay, since i really like(d) this girl. in a way i started giving her my heart. but then she got all up in her head and made a decision to end it!!! i either want her back, or to never have to see her or talk to her or think about her for a looongggg while.

 

so what should i do???

[leo_s84]

Well, looking at what she said (that she closed all possibilities), there's nothing you can do but go NC and respect her wishes. I know it hurts but it's the best you can do now.

[-BK-]

well the point is it hurt me so much, since she had asked me to date her and was so affectionate and took it away in what felt like an instant (after 2 months). so i know this isn't the longest time, but we were friends first and she was a good friend to me and now she's taken it all away. is there any point trying to get back with her, however slowly, still since she said the breakup was "about getting things in order", or do i have to take emotional and physical space to heal??

 

Being the dumpee is very hard to deal with. It usually take a little while before you even stop denying that it's happened. It's natural, and being here is a good start for you. We all have stories of what happened, and you may even find someone here with a very similar situation. That being said, the advice is still the same -- you need to not contact her and you need to focus on enjoying the other parts of your life. When a girl says that she thinks about her ex that isn't really a good sign. I have random thoughts about old exes, even from as far back as college... but I wouldn't tell the current girl that I was dating about that thought unless I was still hung up on her.

 

The answer to your question is that things happen -- people get back together -- but the chances are slim and they are chances that you shouldn't be holding onto. If/when people get back together, there is always a chance that it won't work out again. That's actually the majority of cases. The rare cases where it does work out is when people have had a chance to reflect and time has passed. I suggest you focus on you and let her determine how she feels about her life.

[SarCareBear]

bk: thanks. i know i keep giving myself reality checks not to blow this out of proportion and keep in mind how i can just find someone better for me (IE: someone who's going to have as much energy to give to me as i do to them).

that's what's so good about this forum. its good idea to see breakups not as what went wrong, but about just being your best self and moving forward.

so i gotta stick to this no contact thing. maybe she'll miss me, and maybe she won't. i will NOT subconsciously wait for her, because i am a good thing and she can see that (again) for herself if she wants to. if it's meant to be again maybe it will happen in time. i'll be busy doing my own thing(s)!!

[shell80]

Another thought....you are only 19! Now is the time to get out and enjoy yourself by yourself...discover who YOU really are - do crazy things (but safe and have fun.

[need2bme]

Being the dumpee is very hard to deal with. It usually take a little while before you even stop denying that it's happened.

 

BK: Is that ever an understatement. I was in total or some form of denial until fairly recent.

 

Oh, and btw, what is this with people wanting their ex's back. If that happens to me with any of my other ex's (and a couple of them, still flirt with me), I am totally gonna tell them to back off, because I don't want their current guys to feel like I do.

 

 

Aren't ex's, actually ex's, FOR A REASON!!!!

[-BK-]

BK: Is that ever an understatement. I was in total or some form of denial until fairly recent.

 

Oh, and btw, what is this with people wanting their ex's back. If that happens to me with any of my other ex's (and a couple of them, still flirt with me), I am totally gonna tell them to back off, because I don't want their current guys to feel like I do.

 

Aren't ex's, actually ex's, FOR A REASON!!!!

 

I'm not in denial at this point -- I know the relationship is over. The issue I have, and why I have worse days that others, is that I'm not convinced that I won't talk to her ever again or that we weren't right for each other. I've been talking to people about the "bad things" in the relationship and have come up with a couple, but they honestly aren't enough that the relationship shouldn't have worked out. My healing process is going to take recognizing that she wasn't the one, and that hasn't happened 100%. I do know that she left the relationship when I was willing to work on going forward, so that is the one thing that I have that makes me realize I deserve better. That doesn't make it easy!

 

I had another ex actually ask me to come over to her house one night because she was having a bad night and wanted company. This was while I was going out with the current ex. I had to tell her no, that it wouldn't be a good idea. She admitted in the conversation that she was also physically needy and wanted to sleep with me. Wow, I was flattered but was in love with a new girl that would have been devestated if she knew that offer was made.

[SarCareBear]

update on my "ex sitch"

i was going no contact for a couple days, even going to the extreme of ignoring her completely at a dinner we were both at. it was fine i was just talking to other people.

 

well later that night she texted me and said dinner felt awkward, would i like to do lunch tomorrow? so i was like "not really". she was like i wasn't ignoring you, just letting you know and i said "oh don't worry i was ignoring you". she said she noticed that i wouldn't even look at her. then she said okay we can not hang out as long as you want, have space, blah blah. and then when i didn't answer her, she added "just let me know when you're ready to hang out." didn't answer that either.

 

that was last night and obviously i am not going to speak to her today, and as per plan tomorrow, and day after... however SHE has been the one IM-ing and now texting me, although i have responded minimally, with last night basically not responding at all. she keeps offering me space (as if i need her permission), but i'm still hoping that my silence will make her curious. i can't just say that i'm using 'no contact' to cut her out of my life, i'm still hoping we could have something in the future... in a medium-sized way i'm still hoping she'll change her mind about ending things if she sees me in a good place and maybe starts to miss me in her days....

[-BK-]

that was last night and obviously i am not going to speak to her today, and as per plan tomorrow, and day after... however SHE has been the one IM-ing and now texting me, although i have responded minimally, with last night basically not responding at all. she keeps offering me space (as if i need her permission), but i'm still hoping that my silence will make her curious. i can't just say that i'm using 'no contact' to cut her out of my life, i'm still hoping we could have something in the future... in a medium-sized way i'm still hoping she'll change her mind about ending things if she sees me in a good place and maybe starts to miss me in her days....

 

It seems at this point that she misses you, or is being selfish about wanting to have you in her life. The issue is that she may not be on the same page that you are. You still want things to work out -- she may not. You could just lay it on the line and ask her what she wants. If she says she likes being around you or wants to be friends, the answer is no. If she thinks she wants to work things out, it needs to be on your terms. That means, think of the things that were bothering you. If she isn't willing to meet you on those terms, the answer is still no. I wouldn't let her casually IM you and just say hi. She either needs to want to reconcile (which is a hard chore itself), or she needs to leave you alone. NC in that case will require you telling her NOT to contact you. It feels mean, but you are taking care of yourself right now. Make sense?

[need2bme]

SarCareBear: You gotta do NC for you brother. Not for her. The more you hang around wanting hre back. The less time you will heal.

 

BK: This:

 

The issue I have, and why I have worse days that others, is that I'm not convinced that I won't talk to her ever again or that we weren't right for each other. I've been talking to people about the "bad things" in the relationship and have come up with a couple, but they honestly aren't enough that the relationship shouldn't have worked out. My healing process is going to take recognizing that she wasn't the one, and that hasn't happened 100%.

 

...is totally understood. I look back and I know the ex and I could have worked, just not at this time and not at this juncture...;-)

 

So, I figure that I can hope for a girl like her, with all her attributes and not so much baggage and by then, maybe I will have my "stinky stuff" together and I can such a time with the new relationship.

 

BTW, I am glad to see someone with the same type of seperation. It is allowing me to understand things a little better.

[glimmerofhope]

Man, how many of us are there out there where the other person just terminated the relationship outright based on issues that could have been resolved with a little work and communication?

 

I can tell you in my case that we were the envy of every other couple we knew for a long time--the quintessential "perfect couple." And now, nothing.

[SarCareBear]

yeah i guess i could ask, especially if she tries talking to me again. if not i guess i have to go on not speaking to her. as ready as she seems to just, have me around to chat with, the answer really is NO.

 

but the other thing is, i really do want to keep lines of communication open for reconciling. our relationship went down in a flame of just terrible communication... is there any way i could get her to be open to trying something again and seeing how it goes?? it would be so simple!

[leo_s84]

yeah i guess i could ask, especially if she tries talking to me again. if not i guess i have to go on not speaking to her. as ready as she seems to just, have me around to chat with, the answer really is NO.

 

but the other thing is, i really do want to keep lines of communication open for reconciling. our relationship went down in a flame of just terrible communication... is there any way i could get her to be open to trying something again and seeing how it goes?? it would be so simple!

 

Nope, there's nothing you can do. She'll come back to you only if she wants to, not because you made her

[mushmouth]

The real question you should ask yourself is do you want to be in a relationship with a woman (I think she is acting like a little girl) who can turn on a dime and hurt you like she just did. If you believe you deserve a woman who can be mature about handling a problem then this is not the woman for you at this time in your life. I would consider going NC and trying to find someone better.

[SarCareBear]

mushmouth. this is true. i'm going to try to stay strong. when she talked to me yesterday it just caused a whole stupid fight that's probably not worth either of our time.