Want to Be NC but can't cause of my stuff

[spatulaqueen27]

Hi Guys,

 

Things are a little bit better...i still have pangs of missing him but now im mostly missing the hugs and good times, not really him.

 

Anyhow I want to go NC but I can't....its not about kids either. I had to leave suddenly and drive accross the country on a greyhound so I could only take what I could with me, which wasn't alot. I had the foresight to ship my computer ahead of me but that was all I could afford.

 

He said he would send the rest of my stuff when I got settled. I have had my new apartment for almost a month now and I have yet to get my stuff. I have sent him e-mails only to remind him to get my stuff to me, even offered to send hom money. he tells me he will do it when he feels like it.

 

It's very frustrating as I have absolutely no control over this. I just want to go totally NC as it will help my healing but I feel like he is keeping my stuff to keep open contact. I have threatened legal action but he is not taking me seriously.

 

I'm not sure what to do....any ideas?

[shes2smart]

What items are we talking here when you refer to your "stuff"?

 

Is it stuff you can replace? Because, sometimes, that's the best course of action...to write off things in the name of moving on. As long as he's got your things and has reason to believe you want them back, he's got the upper hand here. That he said he'd send your stuff back when he "felt like it," says to me that he's aware of this and is (and will continue to) use that power to either annoy you or keep up some sort of contact with you. If you say, "nevermind, you can keep it." and really mean it, you take back your power in an instant.

 

Is there someone -- a friend or family member -- you could ask to go retrieve your things since you live so far away? If so, that may be the way to go. They may have to be a little pushy about it, so keep that in mind when you're choosing someone to help you.

 

I suppose you could go the legal action route, but do you really want to take the time and expense to do so? It's been my experience when you start bringing legal proceedings into it, it actually slows down the process and drives up the cost of getting to a resolution. For me, the deciding factor is this: would it be more expensive in terms of time & money to replace the stuff OR would it costs more in terms of time & money to force a legal remedy? I think my time is worth a lot. If it was me, it would have to be something well and truly irreplaceable (like, f'rinstance, my journals dating back to when I was 12) to go this route.

 

I had a simliar problem with an ex. I moved out in something of a hurry, moved an hour away, and kept getting promises he'd send my stuff and/or bring it to me. Every time he set up a time to deliver my stuff, he'd cancel. I sent him a check to cover the cost of shipping my things. He never did it. I finally had to drive up there with a friend of mine at a time when I was reasonably sure he'd be home and just go get my things.

 

I think your best option is one of the following:

 

1. Have someone who still lives nearby go get your things for you.

 

OR

 

2. Let it go for you own peace of mind.

[Zackinlaw]

You really have only three choices:

 

1) Continue to hound him to send your stuff, but your aggravation/contact plays into what he wants - either revenge or to hold you closer to him.

 

2) Take his advice and sue him. But you need to check with a lawyer to determine a) if HE even has the duty to send you your stuff ... the law may require you to go pick it up; and b) would you have to bring the suit where your stuff is.

 

3) Abandon the stuff and move on with your life.

 

All hard choices, I'm afraid. You might want to give him a bit more time to send it ... or even better, offer to hire a local shipper to make a trip to his house and pick the stuff up. It may cost you a bit more, but if you take a more active role, and put contact in the hands of a third party, it may not be worth it for him to keep playing this game.

 

Zack.

[spatulaqueen27]

thanks for the reply guys,

 

For the most part, I don't care if I leave it....but I do have my yearbooks and pictures from childhood still there. I can replace my entire harry potter/wheel of time/sword of truth/lord of the rings..etc..collection.

 

I'm giving him till after christmas to send my stuff before I move to the next level. The sweet thing is I have free legal advice through work.