Update - they didn't win

[samross]

I posted this over the weekend but I still feel good about it so I wanted to post it again. My ex, my previous best friend, and the band did not win in Nashville. They were told they were too old. I had a good weekend for a change and I hope all you guys did too. The sun can shine through the rain.

[deleted_x]

Not to sound offensive or anything... but isn't that a little saddistic? Taking pleasure out of other peoples misfortune...

 

I'm glad you were able to feel happy for a change, but I really think you should consider healthier ways to achieve happiness. Gaining happiness at the cost of others peoples loss is hardly a healthy way to live.

 

Anyways, I hope your able to find it in you to find other venues of happiness - perhaps an activity or a sport would be a nice change

[CatsMeeoow]

I don't think there is anything wrong about being happy they are not successful!

 

I did everything to help my ex be successful... he was going through hard times and I really did everything in my power to help him find a good job and be support of him... even when he had to take a crappy job to make ends meet I still told him how great he was and how great things would come of this for him... and now that he has a great job look who gets left behind???

 

Not that I wish him poorly now but maybe I'd feel better being left behind if he still had problems.

 

No Sam I think you have every right to be a bit happy!

[deleted_x]

Hehe, CatsMeeoow, there definitely are exceptions to everything, and in your case, I would surely say thats one hell of an exception!

 

I was talking more in general though. Taking happiness out of the misfortune of others.. eh, generally doesn't lead to anything good, and its definitly not consistent (unless if you cause that misfortune... in which case you need some help =D), which is why I advise that she find other ways to be happy as well

[thouse]

I don't think there is anything wrong about being happy they are not successful!

 

I did everything to help my ex be successful... he was going through hard times and I really did everything in my power to help him find a good job and be support of him... even when he had to take a crappy job to make ends meet I still told him how great he was and how great things would come of this for him... and now that he has a great job look who gets left behind???

 

Not that I wish him poorly now but maybe I'd feel better being left behind if he still had problems.

 

No Sam I think you have every right to be a bit happy!

CatsMeoow, I know you have been having a hard time with this whole thing, but now since you are out of the stage of denial I see you are in the anger stage. The more progress you make the better you will heal. I am proud of you. You are starting to see that you have to let go and move on.

 

It will get easier...

[samross]

omar

You're right that I shouldn't take pleasure out of someone's misfortune. Without tooting my own horn, I can safely say I am about as far from being sadistic as you can imagine. I'm not sure you know my history and why I would feel this way. I'm not waving a flag (as those that have followed me will know) but the success they have gotten to has been primarily because of me and my repayment was betrayal and heartache. I think the fact that I have been an extremely caring person is one reason I got hurt. I don't want to see anyone in pain (even them) but I feel a sort of resolution that what goes around comes around. I don't disagree with your comments at all. I hope the love of your life and your best friend never hurt you. I hope they never take what you're created and then called it their own for the world to see. Imagine having a child with your ex and your best friend steals your ex, your child, and then claim they are the parents? Grnated that's a bit more dramatic but when you pour your heart into what you love with someone you love and it is taken away, you do feel a bit a happiness when they fail at what they are trying to do. Not ashamed and I'd feel the same way if it ever happened again.

[CatsMeeoow]

CatsMeoow, I know you have been having a hard time with this whole thing, but now since you are out of the stage of denial I see you are in the anger stage. The more progress you make the better you will heal. I am proud of you. You are starting to see that you have to let go and move on.

 

It will get easier...

 

I think the anger is more directed AT me than him though.

 

We had such a great conversation last week and I should have left it alone... build one positive moment after another but I couldn't take it... I caved and I emailed... and he got annoyed that I'm just doing the same things as before... I haven't changed.

 

I'm angry yes....

 

I'm angry that he just can't cut me a break for once. I'm not perfect but I have been trying really really hard. It's not like he never wants to hear from me again... but he only wants to hear from me on his terms... so be it...

 

I don't want him back now anyway... I guess it was just more of the challange than anything... everyone hates to lose - right?

[thouse]

I think the anger is more directed AT me than him though.

 

We had such a great conversation last week and I should have left it alone... build one positive moment after another but I couldn't take it... I caved and I emailed... and he got annoyed that I'm just doing the same things as before... I haven't changed.

 

I'm angry yes....

 

I'm angry that he just can't cut me a break for once. I'm not perfect but I have been trying really really hard. It's not like he never wants to hear from me again... but he only wants to hear from me on his terms... so be it...

 

I don't want him back now anyway... I guess it was just more of the challange than anything... everyone hates to lose - right?

This is my opinion, I have read all the things you are supposed to do NC, create positive moments, blah blah blah. The one thing I forgot to take a look at is how do I feel when I am around him?? How do I feel when I talk to him?? This weekend we got into another argument and I sat and thought our relationship. It really shouldn't have to be this much work, and also I am the only one putting in the work, I don't see where he's making any adjustments to hisself for my benefit. I feel uncomfortable around him, I feel like I have to play games to be around him, I feel unappreciated by him, I feel that I have to pick and choose my words so carefully so he can think I don't care blah blah blah, but the one thing I don't feel is joy and love to be around him. I just got so caught up in how to get him back I hadn't even thought about the way I actually feel about him. I won't say I am totally over him, but I will say it doesn't kill me not to talk or see him either. It's just not the same anymore and I know we both feel it.

 

I say all that to say this. Anyone who doesn't give you a break and lays all the blame on you is not trying to work on anything, cause it takes two. Unless you are some awful person it can't be all your fault. You should want to be around someone who sees your vulnerablility, honesty, and any other fault you may have as just an added bonus to the person you are.

 

Walk away from anything that you don't feel good, and positive to be around. Sit and assess the feelings that you have when you speak or around him, and then use that as your guide.

[samross]

did I miss something here?

[CatsMeeoow]

Thanks! Although I do think Love takes work especially now that we are not 20something and we both have kids and ex spouses and jobs but both people need to put in the work... and he just wasn't.

 

The problem is - I still feel great around him. I loved our quick chat on Wednesday. We were both happy and I kept it short.

 

I send a quick email saying hello and something silly that happened to me and NO response at all. Then I get bummed that I've crossed some stupid line in his head. So I just send another... I don't know why... bad habit??? I'm chatty cathy? Still no response. Its alway not until I'm pissy that I get a response. Is he just trying to pacify me enough that I don't leave completely? I can't imagine that... he is dating someone right now and it must be serious because he doesn't feel comfortable talking to me like before. Or is it that guilt just kicked in?

 

Why do I have to fall into the same pattern?

 

I am letting it all go for now... what ever happens happens...

[rapunzel]

Sam -

 

I think you're justified in your feelings, based on your situation. You don't mean any ill will to them but you were instrumental in their even going/getting to Nashville and competing. And you got put through an emotional wringer. The fact that they lost because they were "too old" smarts a little bit as I'm in my 40's (I look younger....but still...) But hey, that's the music business! YOUTH is high valued, unless of course, you're BB King or the Rolling Stones.

 

Cats -

 

DON'T CALL OR TEXT THAT MAN! Just don't do it. Break the pattern. Again, I have to remind myself of these things and I don't always practice what I preach. But he IS seeing someone else and you should leave him alone. What do you want from your relationship with him? Do you want to be his friend while he dates? I would think NOT.

 

There's no point in trying to figure our exes out. What are they thinking, do they feel guilty, what do they respond when I do this, or why don't they respond when I do that. Will they come back, will they not come back.

 

Here I am, pulling my hair out trying to decipher what or who a "guest" may be that my ex MAY or MAY NOT bring to our band Christmas party. While I'm sure he's not giving it much thought at all. It's such wasted energy, and still I obsess because it's so difficult not to. WHY did he call me for dinner last night? Would he do that if he is dating someone new? Maybe his "guest" is his new housemate.....the FACT is I don't know.

 

But I'm really going to try to let it go for today and focus on MySELF and not HIM. Here goes (deep breath)!

[samross]

rapunzel, cats,

Thanks guys. Cats - I do the same things. I do some things and expect a response. When I usually don't get it then I'm down. I think why didn't they at least acknowledge me. My ex is good at that but I made the mistake to be the one to reach out. I set myself up for it. But we never know until we try do we?

[CatsMeeoow]

rapunzel, cats,

Thanks guys. Cats - I do the same things. I do some things and expect a response. When I usually don't get it then I'm down. I think why didn't they at least acknowledge me. My ex is good at that but I made the mistake to be the one to reach out. I set myself up for it. But we never know until we try do we?

 

Ugh... I so know what you mean...

 

So why does he ignore my friendly requests and then when I get pissy he responds??? Is it just guilt??? I mean he could just leave me hanging all angry but then he emails back that "you are not the bad guy here". Does he not want me to be angry?

 

Frustrated! But, I'll get over it!

[thouse]

Ugh... I so know what you mean...

 

So why does he ignore my friendly requests and then when I get pissy he responds??? Is it just guilt??? I mean he could just leave me hanging all angry but then he emails back that "you are not the bad guy here". Does he not want me to be angry?

 

Frustrated! But, I'll get over it!

That's weird with my ex too. Sometimes I will be nice as pie and I will get no response, but soon as I get mad and send mean messages then I get a response from him. Sometimes I think that all he understands.

 

Cats what's you ex's sign??

[samross]

why does he feel he is the 'bad guy'? Maybe he feels obligated to respond when you get angry because he feels like he's done something wrong?

[CatsMeeoow]

why does he feel he is the 'bad guy'? Maybe he feels obligated to respond when you get angry because he feels like he's done something wrong?

 

Oh - he was referring to me --- "I'm not the bad guy... I just need to back off" is what he said.

 

Not sure why it takes me getting angry to get a response... Do I get angry back again??? That seems stupid. Why can't we be nice about it?

[samross]

Cats - Rapunzel's right. You are caught in a vicious circle right now and you need to try to break the circle. It doesn't mean giving up the hope but let him make the next moves (not move - moves). In other words, don't hinge on the next thing he says or does. Try to take the pressure off and see what that does. I'm guilty of it too. Hinging on each response keeps me forever in the waiting mode. While I'm waiting to see what she may do next I've eliminated the possibility of me doing something for ME. I wouldn't get angry again. Even in all the turmoil between me and my ex the only time I got upset was when she first told me about him and her.

 

Rapunzel - regarding the Christmas party, I feel for you. If you are definitely going to it and you know he is too, be prepared for anything. Are you planning on taking anyone? If you're not because you don't want that between you and your ex then I would try to prepare myself for seeing something I wouldn't want to see (even though it might not happen). I know from personal experience thinking about them together is very different than actually SEEING them together. That is a killer.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I don't see your reaction as being sadistic, I think it is just human nature. Just a feeling of "hah, you got yours, how do you like them apples!" Perfectly understandable. It doesn't mean you wish them ill and it doesn't change what they did to you or the fact that they are now together. Also, in the grand scheme of things it doesn't really impact them..it is just a little roadblock put in their way to make them squirm a little. It is a natural reaction when someone does the dirty on you be it in your love life or at work or whatever, there is a natural smug satisfaction when that person stumbles a bit. When someone backstabs others at work, the "victims" have the same kind of reaction when the backstabber gets screwed over by someone else.

[samross]

Thanks crazy. Actually I haven't really felt strongly one way or the other. You're absolutely right that nothing has changed, and it is just a blip on the screen. It felt good that for a bit that they were humbled. Sort of like cheering for the underdog football team finally scoring against the team that's been walloping them 48 - 0.

[rapunzel]

Thanks Sam...

 

I know it will be difficult if he brings a date and I'm not sure what I'm doing yet. I'm hoping to find out what is going on before the party which is on December 7th. I'll have a couple of rehearsals and a gig with him before then. So maybe it will just come out through someone else in the band or he may offer the information or who knows what. I don't really have an appropriate male to bring as a guest and I've been hanging out a lot with one of the younger musicians in the band...so I can always talk with/hang out with him at the party.

 

The confusing thing is why is he calling me for dinner? Which he did last night. Again, trying to figure out something I have no idea about. But would he continue to call me to spend time with him if he's dating someone new? That's why I'm leaning towards that he may be bringing his new housemate or a friend. Again, wishful thinking and I have NO facts at all.

 

Cats,

 

Take care, you seem like a very sweet person and I have very much appreciated your responses to my posts. But I agree with Sam you have to back off from this ex, as he asked you to. I have never once called my ex since our break up 3 months ago. I have responded to band emails where EVERYone in the band gets the email, and I did respond to him calling me when I was ill last week, with an email.

 

And he's calling me to meet him for dinner?!? Calling me when I'm sick to see how I'm doing? I don't know if it's the no contact I've been doing, or maybe he now thinks we're friends, or he's using me for support/back up plan while he starts dating. I have no clue. I'm just saying if you back off - you may get some response from your ex. Go back to No Contact until January 1, 2008 and see how you are feeling then!

 

If he sends you holiday greetings, wait a day or two....then respond nicely but don't initiate anything! Just my humble opinion.

 

hugs,

rapunzel

[samross]

rapunzel,

Do you get the feeling that he's keeping contact becasue he wants to tell you he's bringing someone? OR maybe he's trying to find out if YOU are bringin someone?

[rapunzel]

I have no idea Sam. We did go out on a "date" even though it wasn't a real date, just a last minute invite I accepted, about a month ago. And he's been paying me a fair bit of attention since then. I know that he got a new housemate and I've been leaning towards that is who he is bringing to the party. Then again, that is purely conjecture. It could be a new woman.

 

I haven't responded to the Evite so I doubt he would wonder if I was bringing anybody.....sure, it could have crossed his mind. He knows I've been spending time hanging out with one of the other younger musicians though and that has seemed to have an effect on him.

 

It may actualy HELP me to see him with someone new as it would drive it home that it's OVER with us and I can truly start to move on.

rapunzel

 

p.s. didn't mean to hijack your thread!

[CatsMeeoow]

Thanks Rapunzel!

 

His sign - VIRGO

 

I'm 100% certain that if I have no contact with him until Jan he will not send any holiday wishes if he is dating someone.

 

Hanging around him (or attempting to) is not fixing anything.

 

I'm frustrated... I've been sabatoging this thing the entire time. I have no choice but to let it go. He isn't coming back - even if this new love interest fades - he isn't coming back.

 

Good luck with you though! I think you have the ingredients for a reconnection. I was there once! We did reconnect... he just still had the same issues (doesn't now which is why there is room for new girl!)

 

Take care,

Cats

[samross]

You didn't hijack my thread I've enjoyed the conversation. My situation is kind of a dead-end with nothing but observations and comments at this point so I'm glad somebody jumped in there a got some talk going.

I hope you can move on. I have to say it was extremely hard for me in the band when I realized that was the situation. As much as I love music, playing & writing, all of that took a backseat to what my heart was going through (and still is). I haven't given up music but it took a lot out of me when I was essentially forced out of the band and have had to watch them go on. I haven't played in probably three months. When I write a song I think - they would really like this song and she would sound great singing it. It reminds me of a scene in a movie I saw once. I happened to be going through a painful breakup and in this scene the man was sitting on a swing and was looking to his side and his long lost love appeared beside him and the began talking. Even within a few words spoken you tell it was a bittersweet moment. And then came the cruncher. She was actually deceased and he was only dreaming that she was there. It broke me up and even as I write this now I'm starting to get tears. I feel it all over again. It's like I'm sitting on that swing and she's there. Anyway - back to the real world. I've got to go for now but would it be out of place if you just asked him if he is bringing someone? He would have to know it would make you uncomfortable. It might be better to confront the situation in a less emotional environment and time - - i.e., not at a Christmas party. For me it would be a too significant event. One I would associate with Christmas for too long a period of time...

[thouse]

Thanks Rapunzel!

 

His sign - VIRGO

 

I'm 100% certain that if I have no contact with him until Jan he will not send any holiday wishes if he is dating someone.

 

Hanging around him (or attempting to) is not fixing anything.

 

I'm frustrated... I've been sabatoging this thing the entire time. I have no choice but to let it go. He isn't coming back - even if this new love interest fades - he isn't coming back.

 

Good luck with you though! I think you have the ingredients for a reconnection. I was there once! We did reconnect... he just still had the same issues (doesn't now which is why there is room for new girl!)

 

Take care,

Cats

Oh my god I knew your story sounded so similar to mine. My ex is a virgo too. Good Luck on that one. Have you ever done any research on their personalities??