Not sure how to handle this :'(

[deleted_x]

This is a bit lengthy, I apologize for that in advance. I didn't think it would be so long, but now that I've finished writing it, I realize that I wanted to say a lot more than I initially thought I did. If you have the time, please read this and give me your advice - right now, it would mean the world to me.

 

EDIT The main sections will be bolded. If your pressed on time or don't feel like reading much, just read those sections.

Also, if you respond, please mention if you only read the bold sections or not. Thank you.

 

EDIT: This thread has been updated. The new text will be in THIS color.

 

Me and my girlfriend/ex-girlfriend (not really sure which it is right now) met online and held a friendship for the good part of a year. After nearly a year, she asked me to come out and meet her and be her partner in a dance.

 

Needless to say, I went out to meet her for the first time and went to the dance with her. I was able to stay for 5 days because of how I have my school scheduled (Wens. & Thurs. only). While I was over at her house, we connected very well, had some deep conversations, and expressed our love for one another.

 

Then the day came when I had to leave, I said my goodbyes, gave her a kiss, and was on my way. Next weekend she went on a date with her ex, who she recently (about a month beforehand) broke up with. He had bought her tickets to her favorite band awhile ago and she would feel too bad telling him "no". I was uneasy about it, but understood that she had to go.

 

I had hoped that her interest in me and the love she expressed for me would keep her loyal to me. But, that didn't really happen. While she went with him, she got affectionate with him and they ended up getting intimate.

 

That tore me up and I had lost a lot of trust and respect for her. But nonetheless, I pushed on. I continued fighting for her, and after a little while, she committed to me and we started going out. Of course... I was happy, extremely happy. Being with her makes me really happy and when she committed to me, it meant the world to me. I never imagined that she would break her commitment, perhaps because I never imagined myself being able to break my commitment to her.

 

As we started going out, our relationship was extremely strong. I thought nothing could break us or end it. But in very little time, that all changed. She began distancing herself from me, I started guarding myself from her, and tension began building up very rapidly. I went out to see her again, but that didn't go well at all - we were tense with each other, we didn't communicate well, and we were very closed off from one another.

 

As slightly more time passed, she began talking with her ex again, a lot. That bugged me because I knew he still liked her and wanted to get back with her. I confronted her about this and she seemed very understand about it. But apparently, that didn't change anything. She began leaning on her ex more and more, began depending on him, and consequently getting attached to him once again (or realizing that she wasn't fully unattached from him yet).

 

I was hoping to go back out and visit her soon (we are near the present time in the story), but that fell apart because I couldn't get in contact with her.

 

I found out that she cheated on me the other day and was furious. I was so pissed when I found out that I turned around and punched right through a wooden stud (if you don't know what a stud is... here ya go link removed). Not the smartest idea at all, let me tell you. I knew the stud was there when I punched the wall and I definitely wasn't expecting to punch through it. If anything, I expected to break my hand - at least that way I'd be able to focus on that pain instead.

 

I ended up sending her a short, cold email saying "F*** this crap". But then, shortly afterwards, I started trying to call her house phone (her cell's cut). I knew she was only a few feet away from it, but she didn't pick up. So I started sending her emails, asking her to talk on the phone with me, yada yada. She gave in after a good while (maybe 30 minutes or so).

 

We talked on the phone. Both of our voices were rather cold/harsh and distant. I was looking for answers on why she did it; I wasn't really trying to get back together at all. Apparently she was planning on breaking up with me that day (yesterday) and decided that since she was going to break up with me anyways, it doesn't matter if she has sex with others or not. She also said that it was convenient, since both of them were single and planned on staying like that for a duration.

 

I had the answers that I wanted, even though I wasn't satisfied with them in the slightest, so I decided I was done with her for good. But shortly after the last phone call where she was cold and distant (I was too, but much less so), she called me back. Apologized for seeming distant and uncaring. Said that it was because her mom was near and she didn't want her mom knowing what was going on, at least not yet.

 

We talked for a good while and actually had a pretty good conversation. That kind of made me realize that I still don't want to let go, even after how much shes hurt me. Even when I was extremely pissed at what she did, I still loved her, which was rather hard to deal with. So now I had really mixed emotions. A part of me wanted to get as far away from her as possible, while another part of me still wanted to reach out and hold her tight.

 

We continued talking. She told me that she wants to be single for awhile, that she isn't sure that she is ready to be committed to anyone, and that she needs to work on improving herself.

 

I told her thats fine, that she can choose to be with me or be single. But I also told her that I don't think I could take her back in the future. Basically... I've already lost my trust for her and if she chose to commit to me now, I guess I could get over it and she could regain my trust in time. However, if she chose to remain single, I would basically be haunted by delusions of her hooking up with guys, blah blah blah.

 

She was no virgin when I got together with her, don't get me wrong about that. So I guess, in a way, you can say I'm being childish when I say that I wouldn't be able to take her back in the future because of my suspicions of her being sexually active. I can't really explain it, but basically, after she chose me, I didn't want her with anyone else - regardless of her past. I don't know if that makes any sense or not, sorry if it doesn't.

 

Eh, I got off-track for a little bit there. My bad

 

After the nice, caring phone call, she went to eat (her mom basically forced her lol). Afterwards, she called me back, and I don't know why, but we were both kind of cold and distant, so she hung up. She got on AIM and we chatted there for a little bit. The conversation went smoothly, surprisingly. In it, she kind of opened up to me again and started loving me again. Then she did a complete flip when she thought about this one guy she has a crush on that goes to her school (unfortunately, she probably wouldn't have a crush on him if our relationship wasn't LDR =/), the feeling and the love stopped. Somehow, after 20 minutes or so, she was able to channel her feelings for him elsewhere and was back to loving me.

 

We decided to start over. A clean slate. Establish a policy of openness, trust, honesty, etc from the beginning.

 

She called up her ex, told him that they had to go NC so that they could get over one another and so that it doesn't interfere with our new relationship as were just starting out. Doing that was a large sacrifice for her and it tore her to pieces, because she really wants to be close friends with him, but realizes that that is impossible while they are both still somewhat attached to one another. I comforted her, told her that in the future, hopefully he will be over her, our relationship will be strong, and then they can be friends again. That helped to cheer her up.

 

She called one of her best friends, told her about us and some other stuff. I'm not sure why, but that also hurt her in a way. I did my best to comfort her even though I wasn't really sure how.

 

Then, she told me that shes putting a lot into me, that shes scared about that and afraid that I wont handle her well, or something like that. I told her to rest assured, that I will do my best to take care of her and provide her security, etc.

 

It was a bit late (11pm-12am) and she had to wake up early (5:30am), so we said our goodbyes. Not long after going to bed, she called my cell and asked if I'd mind talking to her ex - help explain the whole NC thing. She apologized for asking such a request of me, but I told her it was no problem, and did so, with her quietly on the other line (3-way phone convo). She was impressed at how I handled it and very thankful. We said our goodbyes once more, and I headed off to bed.

 

Around 1am, I got a call from her house phone. I expected it to be her, possibly that shes having trouble sleeping or something. So I answered and to my surprise, I was talking to her mother. I expected her mom to harp on me for keeping her daughter up late, but then came another surprise. Her mom simply talked to me, told me that me and her daughter cant be together and that her daughter needs alone time, space, etc. I asked if her daughter was next to her and if these words were stemming from her daughter, yes and yes.

 

I was totally defeated, again.

 

I didn't sleep last night, I couldn't. I simply can't wrap my head around this whole situation. I can't figure out what I should do. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I don't know what the hell is going on. Like, why did she choose to break up with me this time? Why didn't she do it herself, why did she get her mom to do it?

 

I lied in my bed, tossing and turning, cringing at times, crying at other times. I was trying to sleep, but I couldn't. I tried blanking out my mind, staring into nothing, but nothing would help. So I just began thinking about everything thats been happening lately. Before I knew it, my alarm went off. Now it was 5am. How did 4 hours pass so quickly? I could have sworn it to be only 20 minutes or so. How could this have happened? For how much longer will time pass me by, without me realizing it? I called her at 5:20 or so, I had promised to help her with some homework. Apparently, her mom had canceled those plans out as well when she called me - I didn't realize it, and now it was too late, for I had already called.

 

Oh well. No point in laying in bed any longer, right? So I got up, freshened up, turned on my PC and started doing some work. That was unproductive as hell. I couldn't stop trying to figure it out. Three or four of my friends messaged me. They found out me and my girl had broken up and knew I was losing my mind about it, they told me to meet them up at the school - I told them I gotta go there anyways later today, so I'll meet them a bit later. I continued through the day, trying to do some work, figure things out, and whatever else.

 

Went to school (college) at 1pm. Went and talked to my English teacher about my research essay. She said its good, but that I should restructure it. I made a deal with her - whatever grade I get on it, is what grade I get in the class. Heh, maybe not the best idea in hindsight.

 

Hooked up with my friends later that day. They basically slapped me around a lot and made me do some really crazy stuff. At this point, I was getting a lot stronger - mentally, emotionally, whatever. At this point, I was over her. She could choose to be with me or not, is what I told myself. If she chose to be with me, she'd see a much different person than the one that she knew. She'd see a person that can and will help her in ways that she had never even thought of before. If she opens up, she'd see that I am her one, because even though I've lost a lot of feelings for her, I still care about her a lot. Because I care, I have a LOT to offer, more than most people.

 

I know what I did wrong now. I know a lot more about listening to her, but not just listening to her, but HOW to listen to her. I always have listened to her, but not in the way that she wanted, so she never really thought I was listening. Perhaps its different with each person. But now, I know HOW to listen to her. I also know how to take care of her a lot better, comfort her a lot better and when to put my foot down. I hope its not too late, because what we had was really great - not all of it was great, but there were deffinitely times that were. Heck, I think even she would admit that there were times that she loved and cherished and wished would last for a long long time. I guess my problem was that I didn't know how to make those moments last, heck I still don't, it probably isn't even possible. But my bigger problem was that after those moments passed, a lot of the feelings would pass with them. Now, I know how to make her stronger, and consequently, make those feelings last when they are there.

 

I can understand that she wants some space and alone time, to figure things out and to figure herself out. But you can't do that by isolating yourself! Even though she always has done it by isolating herself in the past, I think thats where a good bit of her problems stem from. She is human, just like me and you, and because of that she needs other people. Sure, some humans don't, but I know that she isn't that kind of person... shes a people person. She hasn't had the easiest past and I think why she feels like she has to figure things out on her own is because its hard trusting a person with delicate matters that are tearing you apart. But I'm really worried about her. Its not just that I want her back, but I know that what she is planning on doing isn't very constructive. Relying on herself alone to rationalize when she is emotional isn't going to work - she'll just end up creating false rationalizations an go in circles because she doesn't have a "sounding board" that will provide logic when her logic fails.

 

Gah, sorry about the last paragraph... kind of started venting there >.

 

I'm trying to be at my best for her, especially when shes down like this, but its soo hard sometimes. She can get caught up in her own emotions and feelings at times and forget what I'm going through. I'm not blaming her at all, because its quite natural and most people do that when they are experiencing powerful emotions, especially conflicting ones.

 

We were only together for a month, but it was soo good at the beginning and we were soo strong. I know we can be a strong couple and I know we can help one another succeed, if thats what we both want.

 

I don't want to lose her. She's been my best friend since I started talking to her as a friend, and shes come to mean so much more to me as we got closer. I know I will always love her, even if she doesn't love me, and because of that... I don't think its fair to either of us for us to stay friends if she decides to be single. For me, it would tear me apart and I wouldn't be able to open up to her anymore, which would also kill the friendship. For her, she would have the pressure of knowing that I still love her and still want to be with her. I always thought that with her, it would be for life, even if it was just as a friendship, but now I realize that I'm not strong enough to do that, yet at the same time, I don't know if I'm strong enough to go NC. In the past... I've never had much of a problem going NC, but with her, its different, and I don't know why.

 

I'm so torn right now... I don't know what to do.

[Mun]

Hello Omar,

I read through all of your post. I'm sorry you are going through all of this and I hope you can make a decision soon.

 

The easy answer is : get a girlfriend close to home next time. The hard truth is you can't help how you feel about her despite the distance.

 

In my opinion long distance relationships are very difficult to maintain. In your case it is especially difficult because your girlfriend still has feelings for her ex and he has access to her that you do not.

 

I don't know why she would go back and forth with you and this guy except to think she does not want to hurt you. Maybe that is why her mother talked to you, she knows the situation and how her daughter feels but cannot tell you.

 

I can understand that in the beginning everything between you was great and you were very close. Unfortunately, it seems you are not as close anymore. I am afraid that if you continue with her you will not be able to trust her. She has already cheated on you before and even has presented reasons why she thought it was ok to do it.

 

It seems to me she does not care for you like you do about her. That is not fair to you.

[deleted_x]

I don't really think I want anyone else anymore, not now not for a long while. Like, I feel like a part of me kinda died when she left. I don't know how to describe it that well. I guess the best way I can explain it is by saying that shes one of the few people I was able to open up to and connect with, even though it was guarded at times. But now, after her, I don't think I can really do that anymore... I don't want to do that anymore, because of how hurt I got. Like, it really felt like she was one of the few people that understood or cared and when I lost trust in her for that, I kind of lost trust in everyone.

 

I know long distance isn't easy really, so I had always avoided them in the past. But me and her developed a really great and close friendship online, after a long while, the friendship started changing and becoming more romantic/intimate. In all honesty, theres a college right up next to her that I was thinking of transferring over to - its extremely good, especially in my field, ranked as one of the top 10. I guess because of that, I always told myself that its not right for it to be about the distance, because the distance isn't long term.

 

Though, concerning her ex, he lives even farther away than I do. The problem guy isn't so much her ex as it is a guy that she developed a crush on that goes to her school. Though, I'm not sure if even he's much of a problem. By the sounds of it, she just wants space and to be single, in order to "straighten herself out" and "get her act together". Maybe I'm too nice for my own good, I don't know, but I'd really like to help her do those two things and think she'd have much more success if she was able to rely on me providing a rationale base and solid logic as she goes through the process of coming to peace with herself.

 

You are right, we aren't as close anymore. She started closing up to me and there was nothing I could do to stop it as I couldn't even get in touch with her as she was doing it. I know I won't be able to fully trust her right from the beginning if we do happen to get back together, but I am hopeful that if we somehow do... that we will be able to establish honesty and openness with each other, which will lead to us trusting one another.

 

I know she doesn't care as much about me as I care about her, I guess that does hurt in a way, but I am fine with it. I love her for who she is, not necessarily what shes done and I guess it's really hard for me to part with that

 

Hope that made some sense, lol. I feel like an emotional wreck, so I do apologize if my writing seems to branch off like crazy.

[blueangel]

I'd have to agree with Mun here.

 

She did not want to hurt you, especially since she was only experiencing confusion. She could open up to her ex in a way with you she couldnt. She wasnt ready to let that go. She realized many things- that she was not ready to be faithful and yours at all. She needed space to herself.

 

The long distance left her with less feelings, even though you reacted more profoundly to her. She found herself somewhat stuck in a rut in that case. She had to let go.

 

She brought her mother in because you were not getting it, listening to HER reason...you just were not getting it. In fact, you kept bringing up solutions. You want to be there for her but she needs a girl friend to be there for her. Not some guy she is breaking up with. You can move on too. You will be all right.

[deleted_x]

She hurt me more by acting in the manner that she did. I tried reaching out to her, calling her, but she wouldn't talk to me. She continued talking to her ex. She wouldn't give me a chance anymore. That hurt like hell. I couldn't sleep or eat for four days straight, because I knew something was up with her and her ex, but I didn't find out until it was too late.

 

Not being able to be faithful or needing space... those words hurt a bit. I learned, while I was with her, that she does need her own personal space sometimes. I've never really needed that, so it kind of came as something new and we fought about it. But I do understand it now and can give it to her when she needs it. I dont really think that she needs to be completely detached from me though. As far as being faithful. That is a choice that she makes, as each one of us do. I cannot force it, I cannot even check up on it. I just pray that she is faithful and hope for the best.

 

Kind of funny though... I'm not religious, neither is she. But since I've been with her, I have started praying here and there - sometimes in arabic, as muslims do, sometimes in english, as christians do. Never really thought about it before though.

 

I don't want to let go of her. I know how much I can help her. I've changed a lot since me and her got together. I've become a lot more understand, and I can open up to her, but I don't think I can to others... I don't want to open up to others.

 

The long distance was hard and it was a breaking point. I wasn't able to make her feel as good as I should have. I had never been in a long distance relationship before, and acted stupidly. Yesterday, I talked to tons of my friends that are in long distance relationships. I asked them how they do it, how they handle it, and if they could give me any advice. They talked with me for hours on end. I learned a lot about what I had been doing wrong, what both me and my ex had been doing wrong; but mainly me. A long distance relationship isnt the same as a normal one, it has to be approached differently, you have to handle one another differently and more delicatly.

 

I've changed, profoundly, in the matter of a few days. As hard as the breakup was on me, it forced me to learn. I had wanted to learn before, especially as things were deteriorating, but I was learning a lot slower. Now, I have a lot more strength and ability to help her and make her better, to make a relationship strong between the two of us. Yes, distance will still make it hard, but with the hope and knowledge that the distance wont be there for too long, I think it will make it much easier.

 

I was listening to her, as much as you may think I wasn't. Hearing it from her mother just made me go "are you * * * * ing kidding me?". She and I had decided to start over, she seemed to be really happy about it and very accepting - it wasn't even my solution, she suggested it and I gladly accepted it. She took necessary steps to make the new relationship work, and I helped her with those steps. Then, out of the blue, I got a phone call from her mom, ending the relationship.

 

As much as a girl friend can help her, I think I can help her more. I know it probably isn't evident from my past with her. And I'm not close to her, so I can't really show it to her. The only way that I CAN show it to her, is if she accepts me back - I wish she would, but don't think she will. She might not even realize how much I've learned about her in the short month that weve been together. Ive learned quite a bit and noticed many areas that she needs help in developing. I can help her now, though I couldn't before.

[blueangel]

She's not going to want to let you in when she's breaking up with you. No matter what you think you can do for her, you'll just have to accept she doesn't want the same things- she doesn't want a relationship with you ultimately. Maybe someday, as friends. For now, it cant be. She doesnt want it to be.

 

She needed her mother because she gives into impulses too much and her mom knew what she really wanted. This girl is quite contradictory to herself in that way. I think she sort of wants you to leave her be. You're going to have to respect that eventually, whether it makes sense to you or not.

 

Dont let go the lessons youve learned. And she wont either.

[deleted_x]

She broke up with me. Four times. I broke up with her one time.

 

Weve been able to let one another in after breaking up. Its a choice of what you want.

 

She opened up to me the other day. When we decided to start over. She put a lot of faith in me. We told each other that we would help one another grow, we would help one another heal, we would become strong together. How is that not letting me in?

 

Whether or not she wants me to leave her be or not, I don't know, I don't know that she fully knows either. I think a bit of her still does have feelings for me, as much as she tries to hide it. We shared a lot together, especially the first time I came out to see her. We connected with each other and cried in one another's arms.

 

Whenever I become adamant that I can simply let her go and never think of her again, is when I tell myself to forget about those good memories that we shared. When I tell myself to forget about the feeling of her touch, the smell of her hair, the look of her eyes, and the beauty of her kiss. When I start remembering those things, I start wanting her back again.

 

I love her and I always will. I don't love her as I once used to, I don't even like her as I once used to. I don't have that romantic love for her right now, nor am I highly attracted to her right now either. But I am a realist, I am ever observant. I've seen how strong we have been and know that we can be even stronger. I've seen myself help her, and I've seen her help me. She cheated on me, yes, she turned to others for support, yes. Those things hurt. But they are my fault as much as they are hers. I know, a lot better now, what I have to do in order to make a strong relationship work with her. I care about her very dearly, even though I have lost some other feelings for her. It's not about needing a "girl friend" or "boy friend" or even "boyfriend". Its about needing someone that knows her, that cares about her, and that will do their best to make her better. I didn't know her, but I did care about her. So I failed ultimately. But now I do know her, I do know how to help her. I also know that I can provide more than any other can, because of how much I care about her. How can I simply let that go?