Ex contacts me after a month of NC

[Wakingdream]

I'll attempt to keep this short...

 

I haven't communicated with her in any manner in just over a month.

 

Day before Thanksgiving she texts me: 'what's up stranger?'

 

I respond: 'who's this'? (wasn't her phone number)

 

Says it's her and jokes a bit.

 

We just text back and forth a few times about silly inside jokes we always used to say...nothing more relevant than that. I also sent a couple funny gifs. No 'how are you?' from either side or any personal questions at all.

 

On Thanksgiving, she texts me 'Happy Thanksgiving!'.

 

I text back 'Happy Thanksgiving to you also, cheers! Gobble Gobble'

 

Two days later she calls me in the evening and left a message, telling me to call her back, she wants to say 'hi' and explained she had a new phone number (I was in a movie w/o phone couldn't answer). Her old number is no longer working, she has a new one, not sure why but she apparently doesn't mind me knowing it, the message consists of only her saying her name and leave a message.

 

A couple hours later I call back...no answer on her end and I leave a message just saying I was returning her call, call me back.

 

She doesn't call back that day.

 

Next day (today) still no call/text from her, so I call and just say, hey I wanted to catch up, call me back. This was the first time I initiated contact, she has everytime prior. I probably should've have....?

 

Do you think she's just checking to see if I'm still interested for a temporary self-esteem boost or do some women do this type of thing looking for a specific reaction in an attempt to rekindle things?

 

It's funny I generally can read people pretty well but this girl can often be random. When I was with her her spontaneity and randomness were part of her charm...now it carries over to her not communicating with me for a month then texting/calling over 3 days...and ignoring now.

 

Any ideas what this girl is thinking?

 

A little background if it helps any...the relationship ended in a bad way (no screaming or violence, just some harsh words and no real closure), I asked her to leave. I also think things haven't been going well with her lately. She tended to hang out with some people that simply aren't good people (literally felons and drug dealer types) and it was the one big issue. I am very different from most of her friends...educated, clean cut, good family, ect. I'm perfect by no means but definitely provided a better environment for her, she told me often, said I gave her hope.

 

Now...I'm sure she's running with the same crowd doing things, I don't even wanna know.

 

I'm stuck between still liking her, wanting to help her...but not wanting to have to deal with her because I'm sure she's into some stuff that she knows I'd be critical of.

 

She isn't a bad person, she's been through a lot in life, been mistreated by many people (sometimes legitimately so as I've learned) but either way...been through a lot, I'm just not sure I have the patience anymore to wait for the amazing person I've sporatically seen show up permanately. It's exhausing.

 

Ugh....any ideas?

[leo_s84]

Unless she says something like "i want you back" there's no attempt to rekindle things. My guess is she needed that self esteem boost (which you gave, by answering her txt's and even calling her).

[Tony_TJ_MX]

Hey man, I was with a girl like that, one day she was the perfect girlfriend and the next day she was the girlfriend from hell or something. Anyways, when I thought she was going slowly out of my life she sends a message out of nowhere, we then started sendind messages back and forth and again she disappears for weeks. She told me she wanted to talk to me about a letter I sent her a couple of weeks ago but I havent received a call or a message or an email or a freakin' smoke signal. So I really dont know what to tell you, just that there are some people like that, I don't understand at all what they're all about or what they are trying to prove to us or themselves. I say dont read too much into it and keep your cool. They may be getting that self esteem boost a lot of people talk about, like if this was a stupid game, so sad.

 

Tony

[Crows]

I'm in the same situation folks...

 

I fear she has reverted back to poor decisions with her life. IE drugs etc.. living with an older guy who can provide her with drugs or money etc..... and that bugs me but man.. what a waste. I don't know for sure, she may not be, but I really hope for her sake that she isn't.

 

She checks in on me once in a while. But tonight I feel I need to release myself from her and see what happens once my emotional and ego support is gone for her.

[blindreepr]

I'm in the same situation folks...

 

I fear she has reverted back to poor decisions with her life. IE drugs etc.. living with an older guy who can provide her with drugs or money etc..... and that bugs me but man.. what a waste. I don't know for sure, she may not be, but I really hope for her sake that she isn't.

 

 

I'm in this situation also it seems. Sucks, but the only thing I can think to do is try and improve myself to the point where I cant even fathom being with someone that would do something so stupid and self destructive. I dont know if it will work but its worth a shot.

[blender]

Her "pattern" was well in place before you came into her life, and it seems it's still a pattern she continues, the only power you have is to NOT play your part in that pattern again. If you really want to see who someone is take a look at the friends they CHOOSE to have in their life. And from what you've described it doesn't seem the two of you share the same standards or values in life..that is a huge difference to have, and it obviously led you to accept that it wasn't going to work in the long run, hence the relationship didn't work out.

 

I'm sure you care about her and you understand "why" she makes the choices she does,(tough life etc) but that does not mean you have to be a willing participant in her "pattern". That's not self loving and it's not healthy or loving towards her.. because it's like caring for her 'potential" more than who she is choosing to be... does that make any sense?

 

If the ex is not making a effort to express an honest clear INTENTION of wanting to talk about the changes she has made, the self work she has done, and that she wants to discuss or apologize or consider talking about the relationship, then there is no self respecting healthy reason for you to allow yourself to go back into the relationship, even as a "friend"..

 

because an authentic healthy honest friend wouldn't think it's okay to just re-enter your life without a valid respectful reason. So whether it's for an ego boost, a reassurance, a curiosity alleviated, a moment of wanting to know you might still "be there" whatever her reason was for contacting you, it doesn't seem right now that it's a mature or healthy enough for you to put your energy into..

 

Remember to separate your "feelings" from the "facts" here, sure you FEEL for her, you care for her, you share a history with her, you had some 'good times" BUT the FACT is she made a choice to NOT return your calls a few days later.. that is not respectful of your feelings, and not even "friendly" either.

 

So just know that you don't have "new" information here, it's the same thing, she is who she is, and you can not cure her of herself. Only she can choose to make changes in her life, that would make a healthy, loyal, committed relationship possible with you, or with anyone guy who has standards, goals, values and wants to cherish a healthy, respectful life..and that takes commitment, effort, and a strong sense of self in the first place.

 

I'm so sorry you had to experience this kind of in your life out of your life type of contact from her... so next time she calls you have to decide to set some boundaries depending on where you are honestly in all this..

 

If you are truly okay with being her "friend" then ask yourself some questions and answer them as honestly as you can:

 

do you see yourself honestly being a friend to her, which means accepting her life as it is, without judgement or resentments? Are you okay with hearing about a date she's been on? Do you see yourself as the same type as most of her "friends"? Would you want to introduce a new girl you are dating to her? That's what friends do, they share the truth about thier lives and encourage each other..

 

OR, do you see yourself as her rescuer? or Hope that somehow you two might reconcile and build a future together? Is that realistic considering the huge difference in your values, standards, goals in life? What about the relationship you had with her is realistically something you'd like to build on, and not just "potential" but authentically what it was actually like while you were together..not just the "good moments" but the whole picture?

 

OR, do you feel you had this relationship, you had a break up, it was painful, but with some distance you've realized and discovered that it really wasn't what you "hoped and thought" it could be, because once the "newness" wore off and then the big difference in "emotional patterns, values, standards, goals" was obvious.. you could see past the initial attraction and potential and saw the reality of what the relationship became?

 

And now you are healing, and trying to grow past it, and for now you're still a tiny bit emotionally vulnerable where she's concerned and it's best to keep moving forward, always wishing the best for her, but knowing that she makes her own choices of friends, behavior and you know that her way doesn't work for you?

 

I'm not sure if any of this helps you to put things into a healthy perspective, but hopefully at the very least it's thought provoking..

 

be sure to have the self respect to not put too much of your focus or energy into it, unless she calls and clearly states that she's done some self work, and really would like to be "friends' or to "try again as a couple" because right now you might allow yourself to be at the mercy of HER pattern, and that's not fair to you emotionally, because she hasn't told you "why" all of the sudden she's made contact, (but again, you didn't ask why..right?) so think it through.. and see if she contacts you again, and have an emotional plan and some boundaries for yourself if you are going to keep in contact.