looking for some insight

[missingapartofme]

Hopefully I am posting this in the right spot. I am feeling really let down by my best friend right now, and I am looking for some insight as to why maybe this is happening. It could be as plain as the nose on my face and I am just not seeing it.

 

First of all, my friend is gay. He has a bf that he has been with for 7 months and has lived with for the last 5 months. His bf has done some things that if it were me I would of said later many months ago. Anyway, this makes me very leary of this man. Secondly, in all this time I have met this man twice, and lets say both times I wasn't impressed. There are alot of reasons for this and I would be glad to explain if need be.

 

Anyway, during this time, my friend and I still continued to hang out as usual. We even became closer. He talked to me about everything as I have always talked to him about everything. Well, about a month and a half ago they had a huge argument and he kicked my friend out of the house. There was a lot of nasty things said between the two of them. Anyway, he went home later the next day and they talked and chalked it up to drinking. My feeling is that your true feelings come out when your drinking. I don't trust this man at all.

 

Well, my problem comes in that after this argument, my friend started acting differently towards me. Like he was always saying you need to come over and see the house and hang out, see my new puppy, etc... But for a while there I was working three jobs so it was kind of hard for me to do that. Also, he was saying you should come see me bowl, we should do this, we should do that etc... Now, over this time, there is suddenly none of this. We haven't hung out or done anything is this period of time except breakfast once a week. He hasn't talked to be about anything. Its like hes clammed up. I don't know what to think. I have asked him to do things with me as we work at night and his bf works during the day. But the excuse is always he has things to do or we will see. Which with him means no. I don't understand the sudden change. We still see each other at work briefly, and talk and text everyday. But even that has dropped off drastically. We used to talk or text for hours. Now I'm lucky for a 15min phone call or a couple of texts during the day/night. I just don't understand. Do you think his bf has something to do with this. I know he doesn't like me either. I have asked my friend but he never gave me an answer. I have also said something about coming up to see him bowl recently and the answer I got was when I bowl all three games over 100. Well, he has done that but no invitation to come watch him bowl. I am beginning to think he is embarrassed of me for some reason. I'm sure hes not the first gay man to have a female as a best friend. When I bring up the fact that he doesn't have time for me anymore, and his bf and his friends take up all his time, he tells me hes not going to discuss it with me.

 

I don't really know what kind of answer I am seeking. All I know is that I am really hurt by his behavior and he won't even talk to me about it. I'm sure if it was his bf he wouldn't treat him this way. I just don't understand. I am going thru alot in my life right now, and he was the last person I thought would turn their back on me. I really miss having him around and when he won't talk to me about stuff, I really begin to feel like he is drifting away from me. I believe you should have time for your so and your friends to. Maybe I'm wrong. I just don't know.

 

My birthday is coming up in a couple of days, and so far no mention of doing anything. We have always celebrated each others birthdays by going out and doing something. I am going to be really hurt if he doesn't do anything for me this year. Thanks for listening.

[lukeb]

You've given us a lot of information but even so I'm sure there is a lot going on that we're not even aware of. It is a difficult situation to have a best friend who is in a relationship with someone you basically do not get along with. It puts your friend in a difficult position. How would his boyfriend feel if his partner talk to you about everything that goes on in their relationship. There might be a betrayal of trust there. You may have to respect his boundaries what he feel comfortable talking to you about. We all set our comfort zones with our friends. Friendships change, especially if they are in conflict with our significant other. It sounds like your best friend still wants to be your friend since you still hang out. He will come to you if he needs you. As difficult as that may be for you because you used to play a larger role in his life. I think he has every right to make this relationship work. I think that if you press him for more, you risk losing him as a friend.

 

There is one other issue that only you can answer, or perhaps someone else who is close to you. What are your true feelings towards your best friend? There may be some jealousy issues there.

 

"I'm sure if it was his bf he wouldn't treat him this way."

 

I think that line is interesting, you're not his bf, but you feel like you should be on equal footing, and deserve equal treatment. Well I'm sorry but you may have to take a step backward and respect the fact that he is in a relationship.

[missingapartofme]

lukeb, what I meant by that statement was that, if there was something that needed to be discussed between the two of them, he wouldn't shut him down like he does me. Why should the way we relate to each other change. That was my point. As for my feelings, he is my friend. I love him as such.

 

As far as jealousy goes, yes, I am. Only because pre bf we made all kinds of plans to do things, now, all the things we were making plans to do, he is doing with his bf. I don't think that that is very cool. So, yes, I am being excluded from those things, and it really hurts my feelings. Sorry, if I happen to be a feeling person.

 

You make it sound like he will never hang out and do things with me again. I hope that is not true.

[Flux]

It's a pretty awkward situation, and I'm a bit sceptical of him not wanting to talk to you about it whenever you bring it up. So it's like your stuck with it. Have you directly asked him why he keeps shutting you out?

 

Also, since hes been doing it since him and his bf had a fallout, I think his 'beloved' may have said something about you. Like perhaps accusing the two of you of bieng up to something, or generally along those lines. Something that would make your friend try to keep you at a distance. It sucks when friends are like this. I have a really great guy-mate whose in a relationship with a girl whose very paranoid and insecure, and he's sort of cutting me out, even though his girlfriend is aware of my sexuality. But it makes things really difficult so I understand what your going through

 

I havent really got any words of advice, I'm just gritting my teeth through the situation I'm in. But what I will say is lower your level of contact, if your texting once a day, leave it for a few days and then send him a text. Or wait for him to make contact. He might just need some space or something. Or you could try a day away from work and go visit him or meet for lunch or something. And try to get along with the bf, making it obvious you don't like him might be putting a lot of strain on your friend.

[lukeb]

I am also in a situation somewhat similar to what you are in but there are diifferences. I feel for you and you have very right to feel hurt because you are excluded from many things that you guys used to do together. It is interesting that we say we are 'just' friends, while we never say that is just my mother or that is just my grandfather. You're going through a real grieving process. I am willing to bet that the friendship if it was sincere, you guys should be able to pick it up again. Giving him some space, making an effort to get along wtith the bf would go along way. Even if your best friend knew that you didn't like the bf, he is atleast going to know you are making an effort on his part.

[missingapartofme]

I know what you mean in regards to the "just friends" thing. But we are really close prob like brother sister kind of thing. I can't hide anything from him. It's almost like he can read my mind or something. We are very in synch with each other. Anyway, I hope this grieving process doesn't last long, although I seem to have been in it for at least a month now. I hate being depressed. There are many other certain circumstances that are going on besides the friend thing. It prob wouldn't bother me so much if the rest of my life wasn't in such a shambles.

 

I am going thru a divorce right now, so this situation just seems that more important I guess. At least he still talks to me everyday and he is genuinly concerned when something is bothering me, and like I said I can't hide it from him. It's like he knows by the tone of my voice or something. I just really miss hanging out with him and he now lives a half hour away instead of five minutes. It just sucks all around.

 

We have been friends now for almost three years and known each other before we started hanging out. He never has had many friends because he doesn't trust people as I am the same. We have a connection at some level that no matter how many times we have argued and fought in the past, we always seem to find our friendship in tact, and seemingly stronger to. It's just not me saying it, he has said it to me.

 

Today, he said to me that he finally gets some private time. Which I found a strange comment coming from him. He said that his bf has been home for the last four days and he hasn't had any time to himself. Not to long ago, he couldn't be around him enough. Now he's looking for space from him. I just don't get it. Just writing my thoughts.