I Got Through It, So Can You

[Advice]

I just wanted to write a brief account of my exerience now that i have got through it.

 

Background

 

I was married for nearly 10 yrs with 2 great kids until my life came crashing down in March of this year. I was dumped. We were financially good and i thought we'd be together forever.

 

 

First Couple Of Months

 

Well, like i say, my life litterally came crashing down. I did all the usual, i begged, cried, more begging and more crying. All your thoughts during this initial period relate to how are you going to win her back. Nothing at all matters, absolutely nothing. I found this website within the first few weeks and it did become a bible to me. The first thing i realised was that how i was acting was normal and nothing to be ashamed of. This was the first hurdle. When you cry in front of your boss and everyone else, when you realise that other poeple in your situation are doing the same, somehow it doesn't seem as bad. The users on this website taught me how i needed to be and the fact that if i did as suggested, i would either get back with her or get over her. I thought i would never get over her, but did the suggestions to win her back. So whenever we were in touch, i was always happy, funny, caring and never entered into an argument. I pretty much did what she wanted. I did make sure that i did the things she wanted, but made her compromise in order for her not think she had me around her little finger. Against advice on here, i sent her a card on her birthday and flowers on our anniversary. Never put missing you or anything like that, i just acknowledged them. I did this not for her, but for me. After the initial first few weeks of hell, i made sure that i went to bed a night, knowing that i had acted, with dignity, not needy and in general, happy with the things i had done that day. I told close people that i didn't want advice from them as they only gave a biast opinion to you which was normally over the top. Been like this was very very draining, but in time it became more natural as your brain re-trains to your forced happy mood.

 

Next 3 Months

 

This is the most crucial period for me. I started to think about my own future. Still wanted her back, but now realising this may not happen. I did things for me. I registered on dating sites, went speed dating, and went on dates. Nothing heavy, just dates. I even became part of the social networking era !!! I would never have thought i would go on Facebook, but this is just what i did. Met loads of new people, male and female and just started enjoying my new life. I started house hunting. Even though i wanted her back, i new that this was now not a definate and thereforeeee i must plan for myself. As soon as i did this, she started to come to me more. She had seen that because i was planning for my future, this was a clear sign to her that we were over. This is the part where if true love was there, it would have come through. I started to enjoy going round and not having the "i want you back thoughts". And as i was getting happier, i also used to think, "why would i want you back if i'm happy". I took enjoyment from been stronger. She was constantly stressed but she saw the guy she had dumped happy. Still, during this time, i was constantly on here. Reading posts and taking the advice. Sometimes you don't think that it will work for you, but you have to be openminded enough to realise that not everyone can be wrong.

 

Last Couple Of Months

 

I finally got into my house 3 months ago. I sat down and just wept as my ordeal was finally over. No more sleeping on sofa's, no more humiliation of been back at my parents. This was a new start that i was not going to let slip. I don't need her or want her. She met someone else about 4 months ago. I wasn't even bothered. She has never admitted him to me. One day i even told her that i new she was with someone and i am genuinely pleased for her. Even then she told me never to assume anything. I tried reasurring her that i wasn't been funny and that i was chuffed that she was happy. Of course she may not be, but by telling her in effect that i wasn't jealous, it's her problem if she believes me or not. If she splits up, i'll have a little grin on my face, but only because i know that i am the best thing she gave up. I want her to realise the grass isn't greener. But if she stays with him, i will also take comfort in the fact that i obviousley wasn't the guy for her and thereforeeee we could never have been truly happy.

 

 

In Summary

 

Realise that how you are acting is normal. Believe that you will get back together. Act like the person she fell in love with. Start planning for life without her but still believing that you will get back together. Whilst believing, you have hope. When the time comes to put your future plans into practice, you really won't care about her.

 

Would you want to be around someone who is miserable ? Your ex won't so be happy. Even if it's false, be happy. Overtime, your brain will re-programme to be naturaly happy with life. No more pretending, no more wanting. I am now in a controlled debt, i live in a much smaller house, but i am happier than i was 2 years ago. Money isn't everything, happiness is.

[Andy_2007]

Brilliant.

 

I'm at 5 months and couldn't agree more with this.

[glimmerofhope]

Thanks for posting this. When you're like me and you're mired in the depths of the unmitigated misery that is breaking up, it's good to hear stories that reinforce the notion that there is a life after the ex.

 

And congratulations on making it through to a better place. Hope to see you there soon!

[confused_guy84]

thank you for this, gives me hope. I'm trying to get over my ex

[jimbobdaley]

Thanks for sharing

[CrapAtNC]

Great post!

 

Can you coach me?

[cweathersby]

I 2nd Crap..coach me please..I've been separated for 2 1/2 months and we have a kid together, so how in the world do I do what you did, whil having to deal w/ her almost everyday..AND with the holidays coming up?

[buckdawg]

great story! thanks for sharing.

[Advice]

Hiya Guys. First of all, i would like to say that i have not been on this site for a few months. That is something i feel guilty of. I remember that i used to constantly search for success story's, but only occasionally do you find them. That is because, like me, (and this sounds harsh) you don't need this site anymore. I have noticed that coming on here for the first time in a while, most of the names are different. Which again tells me that people have moved on. Whether they got back together or simply got there life back. Ideally you all want your partners, but it does not matter, because if you are happy, your happy. All i can say is follow the advice given. Your friends and family can not give you there unbiast opinion.There is a pattern to the storys you read. Look at no contact (this was not possible for me) and do look at the push / pull theory. I now use the push / pull theory naturaly now in day to day life, and it works. I remember i used to have a reminder list in my wallet to read just before i went around. It was just basic list like: Be Happy. Soft Voice. Don't Disagree etc. Also a reminder of things to say if they came up. Again if she says we can't get back together, you reply, no we can't, i want to but there is no point just me wanting it. Look through some of my other posts too, i didn't always go along with the advice given, but if i remember, i did give my reason as to why not. In (hopefully) 6 months time, you will all come back here and give your advice / experience to other people. Good Luck. It is a hard ride, but with simple belief, it can be done.

[adsfadfa]

Yes advice you are so right! And also, what is important, is you need to know the time table for everything discussed on here is circumstantial, and is a personal thing. Whether it be getting back together or getting over him/her. Just always keep in mind LOVE is a two way street, and if the other simply does not want it you should let them go, if you truly LOVE them. It's hard but you'll get there. I haven't been around as much and I've only been broken up for 2 months. It's all different for different people... Good luck!

[Up and Down]

In Summary

 

Realise that how you are acting is normal. Believe that you will get back together.

 

I liked everything you said especially seeing someone land on their two feet after going to hell and back. However to get you back I think you have to let go of the notion that you will be back together. Hanging on to that thought, prolongs pain. If they come back they come back if they don't they don't, believing that they will, keeps you stuck in limbo and not moving forward.

[bustertypsy]

I liked everything you said especially seeing someone land on their two feet after going to hell and back. However to get you back I think you have to let go of the notion that you will be back together. Hanging on to that thought, prolongs pain. If they come back they come back if they don't they don't, believing that they will, keeps you stuck in limbo and not moving forward.

 

I agree,but it does take some time to let go.Just let go after the shock of things are over,and you have grieved enough.

[winkie]

Well I am glad you posted this. I also think people use this site as a stepping stone and some occasionally come back when they need comfort or just want to read and see they are not the only one's with problems.When it comes to breaking up you have to understand why it did not work and see that things do happen for a reason. I just thought your story was nice to read because yes it is okay to feel sad and then feel happy. I have been broken up from my husband for about 2 weeks and I know that I can move on and you can not force someone to be with you. You have to be true to yourself and others and how true could it be if the person you loved did not love you as much. I love my husband but I love myself more!!!!So to all of you who are recently broken up.........hold your head up high, you need to love yourself and accept the fact that life does not always have a surefire plan sometimes you have to experiment to get it right.So go out there and have fun.........."You need to be able to let go of the life you had planned, as to make room for the one that is waiting"xoxo

[Up and Down]

I agree,but it does take some time to let go.Just let go after the shock of things are over,and you have grieved enough.

 

 

I am not saying its not human to want them back. Myself I have gone from wanting her back to sometimes wanting her back to not wanting her back. I realize it takes time to get to this point too. Its when you get to the point and that you know you will be OK if they don't come back that you will really heal. If they come back after you have reached this point, you will be at a better point to really assess if the issues that broke you up are truly solvable and you can reconcile successfully. Rather than jumping right back into it, because you heart has a void from where they used to be.

[bustertypsy]

I am not saying its not human to want them back. Myself I have gone from wanting her back to sometimes wanting her back to not wanting her back. I realize it takes time to get to this point too. Its when you get to the point and that you know you will be OK if they don't come back that you will really heal. If they come back after you have reached this point, you will be at a better point to really assess if the issues that broke you up are truly solvable and you can reconcile successfully. Rather than jumping right back into it, because you heart has a void from where they used to be.

 

Great points................great post!!

[Advice]

I appreciate that everyone handles situations very differently. The reason i posted this on here now was because when i needed all of you, you were there. Like so many people, once i had healed, i carried on with my life. I feel i have been selfish to do this, especially as i promised myself i would continue to come on. I decided to come on now as i had been talking to a friend regarding what i had been through and the fact that i used to use this site for comfort and help. It made me want to write something brief. So thats what i did. I do strongly stand by believing you will get your ex back. I believe in this because if you follow the other bits of advice, it makes you do the right thing. The acting happy, non argumentative etc. If you were to admit to yourself that the relationship was truly over, chances are you would then continue in the 'unhappy you'. But like i say, if you believe it isn't, but realise you have to plan for the future, you are unknowingly healing. I hope that makes sense. This did work for me, but it may not work for everyone.

[Up and Down]

I appreciate that everyone handles situations very differently. The reason i posted this on here now was because when i needed all of you, you were there. Like so many people, once i had healed, i carried on with my life. I feel i have been selfish to do this, especially as i promised myself i would continue to come on.

 

Yes I plan to do the same, this site has got me through two break-ups. I guess that's good and bad. However I think there is more to this site than just break-ups. I I think its also a good place to bounce relationship conflicts of non-involved parties. I plan to check in once in a while once I am out of this fog so to speak...I can see the light at the end of the tunnel though. In any case I am realizing being single has its merits

[havefaith]

One of my favorite expressions comes to mind in reading your excellent post: The best revenge is to live well.

 

Congratulations on your journey!

[adsfadfa]

One of my favorite expressions comes to mind in reading your excellent post: The best revenge is to live well.

 

Congratulations on your journey!

 

Not only that post, but a little saying I've constantly reminded myself of is: to truly love someone is to let them go!

[Advice]

havefaith and adsfadfa one thing i had forgotten about was these little sayings that make sense. 'to truly love someone is to let them go', so so true. It is the letting go that decides your future. Will your partner realise that they have made a mistake or will you realise that there is no point in wanting someone who doesn't want you.

 

'The best revenge is to live well' never heard of this one but i got satisfaction from doing this. I felt good about myself knowing that i was living well and didn't need her and her also seeing me live well whilst she was fed up

[emalkoc]

havefaith and adsfadfa one thing i had forgotten about was these little sayings that make sense. 'to truly love someone is to let them go', so so true. It is the letting go that decides your future. Will your partner realise that they have made a mistake or will you realise that there is no point in wanting someone who doesn't want you.

 

'The best revenge is to live well' never heard of this one but i got satisfaction from doing this. I felt good about myself knowing that i was living well and didn't need her and her also seeing me live well whilst she was fed up

 

last part driving my ex crazy now...I heard her making jealous comments how soon I started dating and got a new sports car etc..and having my dreams again...

 

Moving on gets onto the EXes...