I don't think this is good.

[i miss her 2]

Ok, well before my ex and I got back together I had mentioned that maybe she could come jam with my band and I on her keyboard. I thought maybe it would just be fun. well, we're back together now and tonight she came just to watch us play.

 

She started to look kind of bored so I motioned for her to try the keyboard out. So she started playing and the rest of the band liked what she did. I thought it was ok.

 

At the end of the night they are acting like they want her to join the band. They said she should come play with us again sometime. I do not want this. I feel like this could be bad for our relationship but I didn't say anything. I know she hasn't even cut off her rebound guys..she still talks to them online because she's a nice person, but they will be coming to the shows I imagine.

 

I can't deal with her being in the band. The band was my place of sanctuary. A place to get away from everything. I don't know what to do. I didn't tell her how I feel, and I didn't tell the band. Originally the band said they didn't even want her coming down there (this was when we were still broken up). Now, our female singer (who wasn't there tonight) has mentioned that she doesn't want anyone else in the band except MAYBE an additional live keyboardist..meaning they wouldn't write with us. I guess I could come up with some kind of excuse as to why she can't join the band. I just don't know waht to do without hurting someone's feelings or ending my relationship all over again. What to do?

[AutumnBorn]

Tell them no, she's not welcome as part of the band.

 

And tell her to dump the rebound guys immediately. NC! She may be nice, but you don't have to be nice to them, too!

[i miss her 2]

Tell them no, she's not welcome as part of the band.

 

And tell her to dump the rebound guys immediately. NC! She may be nice, but you don't have to be nice to them, too!

 

Will I look insecure if I tell her to cut off all contact with the rebound guys? Part of the reason we broke up initially was because I had jealousy issues. I really pushed her away to these mofos lol. Some people told me I should just act like I don't care about other guys trying to get with her..which I did eventually but that was right before we got back together.

 

I did call our drummer up and he understood and said that I could just tell her the truth and that is that we aren't sure about adding another member but part of me thinks that she will wonder why I'm not fighting for her to join. She clearly saw that they all liked what she was playing so I don't know if she will understand that. I also posted in the bands private forum about my feelings so I will know what they think tomorrow. I told them not to tell her this crap because I know that she will be upset. Ahh.

[rokston]

The way I see it this. If this person really loves you and respects you, it should be totally ok if you tell her the truth.

 

The band is your place of security and sanctuary. It helped you when she broke up with you. In the early stage of your reconciliation you feel worried to let her into every part of your life. Maybe she can just be a little patient with you and perhaps not join the band for the time being.

 

I know this may be taken the wrong way and you are scares of pushing her away. But you do have to stand up for the things that are important to you too.

 

Also I think her continued contact with 'rebound' guys is disrespectful to you. Irrespective of her views on how stupid your jealousy may be - it is somewhat inconceivable that you should not have any problem with it. Why does she need their attention - particularly when you say she is not encouraging it ???? If she were to invite them to your gigs, I think that would be a major warning sign. Not that she wants to be with them, just that she does not consider you!!!!

 

All in all. To reconcile successfully I think that problem should be dealt with by open communication immediately. Otherwise you are risking more damage in the long run. Your negative feelings about her joining the band may show in some way, which she then notices... and it all leads to a downward spiral.

[i miss her 2]

Ok, well tonight the band thing got brought up. I told her how I felt it would be difficult for us to critique each other and not to mention there are already 5 people in the band (with alot of drama). I didn't deny the possibility of her maybe doing some things with us live sometime though and I told her that we are definitely going to do our side project together (just me and her). She acted like she understood my concerns. She didn't really seem upset but who knows...maybe she was faking that? I feel bad about this now..I'm worried she went home and is just gonna sit around and wonder if maybe I just don't wanna be with her because I don't want her in my band. She did bring up how everyone liked what she did last time though and I told her I thought it was good too but we aren't sure about having keyboard in every song. I even asked her a few times after the talk if she was ok with this and she said she was and well, everything seemed fine afterwards. We still hung out, went shopping, and she still told me she loved me. I hope that she wasn't secretly upset though! Even though she didn't seem like it. You think I did the right thing? I hope I did. Somone told me that they thought it was messed up that I wouldn't want her in my band...and I just don't know what to think of that.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Yes, I think you did do the right thing. You don't have to be joined at the hip just because you are going out. You are entitled to do your thing without her. If she pulls away from you because of this, then she is not very understanding. Don't feel bad. If your insecurities got the better of you last time, then don't let it get the better of you this time. You need to show your independence and that you are also willing to take a stand. I also think it is rather inappropriate for her to be in contact with the rebound guys...unless she already had a longstanding platonic friendship with them.

[i miss her 2]

Ok, well this "rebound" guy Travis, who she went on a few dates with is STILL obsessed with her and I even logged on to one of my old myspace accounts to see that he still leaves pic comments on her page. Anyway, she did bring him up the other night and just said, "Travis sent me a message on myspace asking if I would make him a hemp necklace and even said he would pay for it, but I don't really wanna do it. I don't really even wanna see him again I guess I could mail him one." All I said was, "Well I can't tell you what to do but I personally wouldn't make him one." She just said, "Yeah.." and I joked around and said, "Don't worry if he keeps harassing you, wolverine is gonna protect you (inside thing lol) and she laughed.

 

So is it ok that I didn't say much more than that? I didn't ask her to go into details about him or anything. What bothers me is that she actually thought about sending him one (for money of course as she has made them and sold them before...I know he just wants to see her though), and he is STILL leaving comments on her pictures. I doubt she is commenting on his though (can't tell because he changed his page to private). Thinking about all this is making me act weird around her I think.

Part of the reason we broke up also was because I had a negative attitude.

I'm going through a difficult situation now with my uncle on life support in the hospital so I can't be in the best spirits. Last night when I talked to her on the phone I apologized for not being very talkative because of the situation and she acted like she understood but she wasn't saying much either. Is it because our new "honeymoon" phase is over? I guess I need some advice on how to keep things running smoothly so I don't push her away again. How can I be more positive when a family member is deathly ill you know? And yes, I am very concerned about him..not just my relationship but he brough it on himself and I'm trying to accept the possibilities and prepare myself for the worst outcome. Should I try new things like not even talk to her for few days? What if her rebound guys do NC and she starts to miss them and then that screws our new relationship up?