Okay, so maybe I'm a little jealous, but it baffles the mind.

[lazer]

I know people who have found their match/soul mate/one true love...whatever you call it, and i know this is going to come off sounding very egotistical and quite possily catty--but I'm going to go ahead and spit it out because it truly baffles me some times.

 

one of these people I know is a user. When she and I lived together she was a total slob (i am not at all exaggerating, trust me) couldn't pay her bills, totally relys on her man to do everything for her (including drive her places because at 31 she still hasn't gotten around to getting her driver's license). She is one of the most unattractive people I have met, but yet...she has found love.

 

My ex who: was verbally abusive, hid a drug addiction from me, drove my car around drunk, owes my family a lot of money for helping him get his driver's license back...got married to a 19 year old (seemingly) intelligent girl only months after we broke up.

 

A girl I knew in college called me weak because I cried after a break up with a guy I had been dating for a few months. She talked about everyone behind their back. She had been married and divorced. Has one kid already. She had a heart attack over the stress of the divorce. She is now "in love" with a new man who adores her.

 

I think I am a good person. I'm fairly attractive. When I like someone I let them know, and although I have been told that this can push men away. I know no other way to be. I am often labeled as "too nice" (wouldn't know it by this post eh?) I give too much of myself...but when I like someone...I want them to know how important they are to me and how good they make me feel. I am a good person...yet, i can't seem to find anyone who is willing to love me back. I am tired of looking around me and seeing people who are selfish and mean-spirited holding hands with the one they love. I don't get it. I feel like I'm cursed.

[CrazyKing]

Nobody's cursed... Do you see that those people are really happy with themselves - all this romance & love thing may break apart soon and you'll be laughing about how you could have thought that they're lucky...

[Gratsy]

Thats the way it is here on earth. Sometimes good things happen to good people, sometimes bad things happen to good people. And visa versa. Its just the way it is. What can you do about it? Nothing. Don't allow yourself to be envious or anxious. All you can do right now is hope.

[annie24]

Whenever I feel that way, I remind myself that the divorce rate is 50% in this country, and I'd rather hold out for Mr. Right rather than just get into a relationship with whoever. What others do in their relationships, I dunno. I feel sorry for someone who'd rather be with a train-wreck rather than a nice, stable person. They are probably not so stable themselves...

[vinnee]

All relationships look better from the outside. It is why forums like this exist. We would rather bring our dirt here to air rather than let the people in our lives know our relationships are not as wonderful as we make them out to be. Perhaps this is what you are seeing. Just remember, there is a lot you don't see too.

[lazer]

i'm often reminded of the divorce rate as well. however, at this point, sometimes i think it would be nice to at least feel the pangs of love rather than the emptiness i feel right now. i was in love ONCE. with the same guy that got married to a girl who was still a teenager only months after our 3 year relationship ended. left me kind of bitter and jaded, but i dealt with it and i'm actually ready now. i'm dating someone, but i'm not really happy with the way things are going.

[browneyedgirl36]

I hear ya, lazer. I often catch myself feeling the exact same way, and then I feel bad about it, but I can list several people I know who are in relationships and I'm baffled that they could find someone and I can't. Granted, I haven't really looked...and, there's that little thing about me still being stuck on my last ex, when I should have moved on looooooong ago.

 

I agree, too, that we never know what's going on in peoples' lives. They could *look* happy but be totally miserable with the person they're with. Or, they could seem to have *everything* but inside feel truly dissatisfied with their lives. I have to remind myself that a relationship won't magically transform my life into something perfect -- that people CAN be in relationships and still feel like much is lacking in their lives. It's a hard concept for me to wrap my mind around, though. Even though I'm not particularly loaded with money, I am pretty happy with a lot of other aspects in my life-- my education, career, friends, family. I have a roof over my head and pretty much every material thing I need, and many things that I want. I am healthy, don't have a ton of *baggage*, and I'm able to get along with most people. I have a number of hobbies, interests, and talents. Still, I can't help feeling like something profoundly HUGE is missing, and I cry about it A LOT, especially lately, after what's happened recently with the ex. I despair about ever meeting anyone really great again. I see myself getting older (late 30's) and even though I still look and feel quite young, I often worry that time is "running out" for me -- that I'll wake up one day and be, as the character in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" put it, "past my expiration date."

 

So, it is hard not to look around me and not be really envious of everyone -- including my good friends -- who has someone when I don't.

[lazer]

so, i guess the point is: be careful what you ask for, you just might get it?

 

we may find someone and in 3 years be totally unhappy, although hardly anyone would be able to tell. ugh! i'm feeling kinda hopeless about all of it. i remember when my ex and i first met. we were sooooo in love. well, for the first year. then i just sucked for the next two. stayed too long probably. the guy i am dating now says he wants to try and see what will happen with a relationship, but he's putting in very little effort it. i hate that i am always the one cuddling up to him, telling him how cute he is...etc. hate it ALOT! I mean what i say, but it feels one sided.

[JadedStar]

YOu see these people's relationships on the surface. You don't know how happy or unhappy they are behind closed doors, and in all honesty you shouldn't worry about it or dwell on it. I dont remind myself of anything negative I instead keep my eye on my own prizes in life and wish the best for those around me. Whether or not one deserves "love" is not ours to decide. We don't know what a person has gone thru to make them act the way they do. Maybe i sound too optimistic but I'll take that over being too pessimistic.

 

Nothing good comes from assesing other people's lives, just focus on yours and being the best person you can be, because one day when you are old and gray you will look back and ask 'what did i accomplish" and if you tried your best you will feel satisfied in your answer.

[lazer]

you know...i understand that. i am merely venting. perhaps i am taking things out of context, but i find that your advice comes off as scolding. we all get frustrated with the things in life we cannot control or understand. i don't pretend to be perfect or maintain pure thoughts all of the time. that's why i come here. to find people i can relate to. real people. thanks.

[dee50]

Well I am new to this and I find it so reassurring that what runs thru My mind,concerns,looking back over the past with saddness is quite a Human thing.. feel very isolated too often due to various issues going on in My Family, lots of Loss and Grief now. I am Married to a Man who Travels a Great deal for His job and we dated for 10yrs YES 10 Yrs before getting Married, as I had been thru a sad divorce with a little girl to look after and piece My life back together, I was in no Hurry to Re Marry,, so I am still alone but not alone if that makes any sense. I Can tell all of You Young People that even at 50 We are still learning and discovering things about Life and Ourselves We never really gave much thought to as Youths,, Be Good To Yourselves ,LOVE YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE and Try not to compare too much,, We all do it , but focus on YOU and YOUR Growth....Love comes to us so often when we are NOT LOOKING, then it takes allot of work to keep a relationship afloat,what with lifes hardships.

[itsallgrand]

When I feel that way, I imagine myself living their life.

 

Being the woman without a driver's license with her so-called soul mate. Being that person.

 

This has never failed. Sure, there may be one or two things in their life that I'd like to have....but also a whole lot more I would not choose for myself nor like.

[annie24]

for the record, i don't have a driver's license, but i live in a city where i do not need one. i am perfectly self-sufficient, either walking, taking a bus or taxi, or biking where i need to go. sometimes my friends offer me rides, like if we are going to the same party, and i appreciate that.

[itsallgrand]

I have my license and rarely use it (when I can help it in the cities!).

 

Didn't mean to single out that person/quality except to explain my technique for squashing envy that pops up.

 

Just the way of driving home to myself that it doesn't work to compare like that because each life is so different - and it's not possible to just take bits and pieces without the whole package.

 

To have what that lady has, would mean to actually be her, because otherwise it would be having something different....oooh! Hopefully this makes sense.

[annie24]

oh, i know you didn't mean ill, i just wanted to point out it's perfectly possible to live a functional life minus a drvier's license. i'm sure i'll get one someday, just probably not anytime soon....

 

i understand your technique, kind of putting yourself in her shoes - i certainly wouldn't want to have my life a mess and have to rely on a bf to pay my bills, that sounds awful to me.... but there are others who do rely on their bf or gf to pay their bills, i guess that is their choice.

[ghost69]

my ex would always say 'i used to think i could never meet anybody and never be happy. i can't keep guys around it seems longer than 3 months.' she was very insecure with herself. but she knew she was attractive, great personality, etc. i just couldn't be with her. i will not settle for someone i don't click with. it just will not happen.

[Gratsy]

my ex would always say 'i used to think i could never meet anybody and never be happy. i can't keep guys around it seems longer than 3 months.' she was very insecure with herself. but she knew she was attractive, great personality, etc. i just couldn't be with her. i will not settle for someone i don't click with. it just will not happen.

 

Thats a self-fullfilling prophesy. She had issues that I don't think you should have to deal with. Unfortunately, some people like to look at patterns and put themselves in assumptive stereotypes that keep them there. You can't do that.

 

For instance, my first relationships were verbally abusive. I could have said to myself, "oh I always get into verbally abusive relationships," and kept up the pattern. Instead I said, "I have to change this," and made sure that I wasn't in relationships like that anymore. If that is happening, there is always a reason...and you can fix that reason over time, I think.

[BronzedSkin123]

YOu see these people's relationships on the surface. You don't know how happy or unhappy they are behind closed doors, and in all honesty you shouldn't worry about it or dwell on it. ied your best you will feel satisfied in your answer.

 

These ppl are still getting further than I ever could. At least these women are able to get into a relationship..these dudes are willing to stick around I can't even get a guy to be with me longer than a week--and that's pushing it. As for what's going on behind closed doors in other ppl's relationships well we can only speculate nobody really knows for sure.

 

 

To the OP you should read a book called "Why Men Love * * * * * es".

 

Many women on another forum were raving about this book. I plan on picking it up myself. In this book it basically says that men do not go for women who are "too nice" like you described yourself, they want women who are assertive and a bit mean.

 

I think this is why I cannot get a man, I am often described as being a very "nice lady" and thought of as wholesome. The only thing guys want is for me to suck them off. I can never get a guy who really likes me and want a real relatinship. I can never find my match.

 

I have watched friends just like you described who are unattractive, b1tchy and miserable people find guys who make an effort to be with them. I guess it's because men are attracted to the drama and the excitment.

[JadedStar]

If you think just getting INTO a relationship is worthy of a booby prize you might want to read some of the horror stories that men and women live thru all in the sake of being a part of a couple.

[BronzedSkin123]

If you think just getting INTO a relationship is worthy of a booby prize you might want to read some of the horror stories that men and women live thru all in the sake of being a part of a couple.

 

I wouldn't apply a booby prize to those into bad relationships, though. Just the ones who are in fairly decent ones.

 

At this point, I am in awe of women who are able to get a guy to stick around for longer than 3 months. Seriously. Most of the guys I deal with don't make it that far with me. I just am really like giving up on love and will just spread myself around. I probably can somehow manage w/o a committment but not all male contact

[BlondGuy]

I feel like this allll the time. When I get real down I just look around at other peoples relationships and see how they really are. Im sure this sounds jaded but honestly think of how many married couples are actually even happy. I know of one, thats it! A lot of them are miserable. Fighting all the time, cheating on eachother etc....