she's committing social suicide...i want to tell her but i'm part of the problem

[mis12ty]

I moved in with my housemate in september this year, we never knew each other before hand and both of us are new in the area we have moved to.

 

she's certaintly not like my friends and not someone i would necessarily choose to be friends with, but we get on well and now hang around in the same social circle.

 

she kindly introduced me to her mates as she could see i was struggling to make friends of my own through my course of work and i was so appreciative of it. they're all brilliant and we get on really well, they forever give me compliments and talk about how glad they are that she introduced me to them.

 

the problem with my housemate is she's acting like a child. she teases everyman going, flirts with them, texts them inappropriately and then when they take the bait she just toys around with them...all of them at the same time. she uses the excuse she just has a flirtatious personality but come on you've got to be able to reign it in. i know and can see she's playing a dangerous game these are ppl who have been friends for a long time and aren't going to start fighting over her. i've even heard rumours that she is very much disliked at her work by boys and girls alike. she was flirting with the boy i am now dating for a while and they were kissing occasionally. she did really like him but admits she didn't mind when they cooled it off because she can find attention from someone else and it was obvious he liked me.

i thereforeeee felt obliged to ask her if she minded if anything between me and him was developing and she said no it's fine go for it. so we are.

 

but every time we're out she uses men to try and make him jealous. he's not. he likes me very much and is slowly beginning to detest her.

 

so my problem is this she's my housemate i've got to put up with her for a year. i can see she's digging a hole and things will inevitably explode at some point and i'm not sure whether to let her know her behaviour is upsetting ppl. i'm afraid if i start telling her that she'll hate me even more then she already does; she's already obvoiusly jealous of me for being with the said boy and that all her friends like me a lot more than they like her!!! i know i sound arrogant but it is the honest truth.

any one any ideas about what i should do in this situation? she's a nice girl she's just very insecure that she feel she needs to flirt around for attention and not just rely on her personality.

[someguy88]

 

but every time we're out she uses men to try and make him jealous. he's not. he likes me very much and is slowly beginning to detest her.

 

 

Are you sure about this? To be honest, I've told gf's that I didn't like a few of my previous flings just to be sure that my gf knew that I was faithful to her. I'm not saying it's right, but some guys do this kind of thing.

[hk87]

I personally don't like people like that. Its unfair to play with anothers emotions.

The guys could be into her, and then she just plays around?

I would tell her your thoughts and see what she says.

 

Hk87

[mis12ty]

i'm pretty sure the boy in question does like me. he started flirting with my housemate before he met me and when he met me things immediately started to cool down between them. before he officially ended it with her they hadn't been seeing each other/being physically intimate or even talking much but she for some reason still hung around like a sitting duck waiting to get shot. i'm not afraid of my own position in this, i'm forever making sure i know his honest intentions. i consider myself as perceptive and i do really thinks he likes me. the second he starts treating me like he did her i'm out of there. but i can't blame him if u know what i mean because her behaviour almost asked for it.

 

as far as her treatment of men goes she flirts and teases them and when they think they're going to get something out of it, she giggles and backs down or just ignores them and starts flirting with someone else. it's ridiculous. i don't think she really likes the guys she's flirting with in that way so to her she thinks it's harmless fun. she does however like the man i'm now seeing.

 

she got in a dilemma this weekend. she invited a man over to a late night house party, he took an hour to get to the house and when he arrived she had her legs draped accross someone else and totally ignored the fact he arrived. he was drunk and angry and kicked off at my boyfriend because he figured the only reason she's got him round was to make my boyfriend jealous. its crazy and it's getting dangerous.

 

her dad's a vicar so she upholds high christian codes (i.e. no sex before marriage). but she presents herself to people as if they're going to get sex without letting them that fact. i know she shouldn't have to that some boys wouldn't thereforeeee be bothered in her if they knew they wouldn't get any. but surely to tease them with the possibility is very wrong!?

 

i think if the situation gets any worse i don't have a choice but to tell her. i have to remain her friend coz she's my housemate but she's rapidly losing her friends every day!

any ideas about how i can approach the subject tackfully without just calling her a c**ktease which is how most ppl describe her!?

[Lucy_lou]

This sounds like a very difficult situation. Doesn't sound easy. At the end of the day, her social suicide is her social suicide, and you don't have to take it on your shoulders.

 

If you think you can tell her, in a nice way, and in a non judgemental way so that she knows that you're still cool with her, and perhaps just leave out the stuff about your boyfriend, and focus mainly on her giving other guys the wrong impression, and how it's starting to annoy them, then if she's someone who can handle a bit of criticism and not get defensive, then maybe it would be for the best.

 

If I were in your shoes (not that I can really pretend to understand the full picture), I would stay out of it, and be her friend. You're not threatened by her, so perhaps you can be the one exception who can be nice to her, and maybe if you show her that you like her for her personality, you can help build up her confidence in who she is outside of her skills at stringing boys along. Basically, I would just cool it and get ready to be a safety net for her, and be willing to tell her the truth if she starts to feel the impacts of her actions, but don't feel like it's your job to.

 

And just a suggestion, I don't know exactly what she's like, but maybe there is a different culture where you are now to where she's from. Maybe in some other places flirting is recreational and not intended as a come on, so maybe the guys she's flirting with are just not used to flirtatious girls, and they should get used to it, and stop being sucked in, and just take it for what it is, a flirty girl doing her thing. I just said that, so you might find it easier to empathise with her.

[mis12ty]

thank you for your advice.

it's exactly what i'm going to do. not tell her straight out but be her friend, she needs all she can get to be honest and she's never done anything directly to me to hurt me so i have no reason to not like her. my only bug bare would be if she continued to try and make my boyfriend jealous but then it just makes me pity her more as opposed to hate her!

there is inevitably going to be a time when it all backfires on her and she'll need someone there to help pick up the pieces. i just can't help but fear that it might be a more serious situation than just getting told off or rejected. i'm thinking rape for example...there are ppl out there who are like that and would see her flirting as the green light and won't take a sudden 'no' for an answer. she's putting herself in dangerous situations. luckily we generally hang out together so i'll always try and keep an eye on her.

she hasn't known our social circle for much longer than i have so it's not like she 'knows' them and when it comes to friends of friends of friends you can never be to certain that they're decent types.

anyway thank you. i'll do my best! x