My old friend made a bad impression on my new friends...

[april5k]

I've known this guy for about 6-7 years, like we met when I was a junior and he was in 8th grade. But we didn't really become friend until about 4 years ago when he graduated and he kept calling me and he was nice enough so I'd always tell him what me and my friends were doing. So, I guess I started to hang out with him more and more b/c he always called to hang out. And he hasn't always been the most social adept person. Like, people always get really annoyed by him but I knew deep down he was alright, so he never bothered me.

 

Also, I know that he likes me. I'm older than him and have a boyfriend (of 4 years) and am not attracted to him at all. I see him as a friend and I try to help him out. Like, he didn't have a girlfriend until he was 21 and he was always complaining before that so I tried to give him advice. Like, he had really bad taste in clothes (not that that's everything) so I took him shopping and showed him clothes that girls like he liked would like on a boy. I also told him all about music and movies and stuff like that. Now, he thinks he's better than everyone and says he can't stand average people who "don't try". I feel like I've created a monster. He has become quite the no-it-all, but he doesn't really know that much.

 

But here's my problem: recently I've made a lot of new really great friends. They're totally open and accepting and they really love me for who I am and don't even make fun of me or make me feel bad for liking something that's not considered cool. Like, my old friend, he thinks he's so underground in the music scene now and that anything on the radio is horrible, and liking things like that means you've sold out or been propagandized. And I mean, all my new friends, we're in the indie music scene here in town, but we also don't care what people think when we put on something like Justin Timberlake at parties. And now he's coming down on me and telling me that I'm making myself lame and he's just being so negative. I said how can something like that be lame if it makes me happy? And he's just really trying to make me feel stupid about not being so hardcore underground, which I know is stupid, it just makes me mad that he takes it so seriously.

 

Another problem is that when I first met all these new people I would bring him with me, and it quickly became obvious that I was their friend and he was still just my friend. And he's really awkward around girls and he makes these really terrible mysoginistic comments around them. Like oh, well that's b/c you're a girl. Or stuff like that. And we all went camping and he assumed that he was invited and came along and was telling us the logical reasons for why there weren't ghosts and all this stuff, and we were just trying to have fun. But the worst was when he basically told my friend she was simple b/c she believes in God. That made me mad. But not only is he down on all my new friends (yet always tries to hang out with them, and calls them all the time), he started doing that to me. Like he makes comments about my body and just acts kind of sleazy.

 

Sorry this is so long, but this is what I need advice about: I really love my new friends, and I don't want to hurt my old friend. But they've expressed that he really makes them feel uncomfortable and gets on their nerves, and he's actually started to behave that way towards me as well. A male friend of both of our actually noticed this and called him out on it in front of a couple people, so it's not just in my head. I don't know what to do. Should I tell him that I don't want to hang out all the time anymore? Or am I stabbing him in the back, b/c I mean he is making me feel uncomfortable as well.

 

Thanks for reading all that!

[dfcannon]

Sounds like you and your old friend are "growing apart," to put it in polite terms. You really have no obligation to be someone's friend. He clearly "thinks" he's too smart and cool for you and your crowd, but I guess the true hard-core underground crowd doesn't want him, either, so you're stuck with a kinda wannabe/tossout.

 

You are super-nice to keep him around, but he's taking advantage of your goodwill. He's making you less happy, but guilt is keeping you from telling him what it's all about. Really, it's up to you, but if I were you, I'd drop him from my "friends" list. He does not meet the standard of friend. One way you could do it is use his words against him, putting the blame and guilt on him. Tell him "You're right, you're a pure hard-core member of the underground scene, and you're brilliant. You're in a different league from me and my friends. I don't feel worthy of hanging out with you ever again." lol. Now, maybe this will spark a huge change in attitude from him, but if not, then waste no time in losing his phone number and email address, then talk to your friends and tell them he's no longer your friend and feel free to never invite him or tell him of your plans.

 

This is not about being mean or nasty. You have been far from that. He's cooking his own goose, and maybe he'll be better off with a lesson learned.

[april5k]

Thanks so much! I mean, I've really felt like I was the bad guy here, and I guess I just needed to hear that I'm not obligated to be his social coordinator or whatever it is he wants. And I mean, our mutual friend did tell him that he was being way uncool and that he can't treat girls the way he has been. And another lame thing is that he thinks he's so hardcore or whatever and the only music he listens to is music that I've made copies of for him or told him to buy. He doesn't go to any shows of his own accord, only if I go or if I tell him about it. And I guess I just feel so bad b/c he makes me feel like I'm his only friend.

 

But yeah, thanks, I guess I just needed to hear that I wasn't wrong!