Young Single mum

[Twistedwhispers]

Im not really sure what to put right now or even where to start....i have wrote on here so many times regaring my ex that im surprised im not famous!

i met up with him the other night to discuss arrangments about our son, i knew it was a bad idea because everytime i see him its like i just go crazy, i have no control over my feelings and what i do....anyway i asked him if we could ever be together again (moment of weakness) and he said he wants to be with me more than anything but he cant right now as hes got to focus on work and got to sort things out, work and everything else has ALWAYS come before me and our son, anyway he said we would have to see what happened in a few months and just see eachother once a week to see how things go, i wasnt happy because i felt like he was using me but i went along with it because i love him and want us to be a happy family. i cried on the way home on the bus because i knew within my heart that we were finally over despite what he said, and that although i love him, me and my son deserve better.

 

on wed, his mum came up to see the baby, i had texted him that day asking when he was going to see our son but he didnt reply, when i spoke to his mum on the phone she said he had gone out, so i was really hacked off because i thought if he can go out then surely he can spend time with his son or even phone me about seeing him? when his mum got to my house, he phoned his mum and she handed the phone to me, he was like "whats the matter?" and i just said if he can go out then he can text me and come and see the baby, we ended up arguing and he put the phone down, after i got off the phone his mum tells me that he did say he was going to come up that night but she didnt tell me he was going to incase he let me down and it upset me again! i was annoyed at his mum because i had just had a go at him, but annoyed at him aswell because he didnt bother to let ME know.

yest we argue again, he said he would have the baby on sunday, but i said what about the rest of the week? he hasnt seen the baby for nearly two weeks now and i didnt think it was fair he had shunned his responsibility for nearly two weeks because he wanted to do his own thing, its like sunday was convinient for him to be a dad....anyway he says hes going to take legal action, even thought i HAVENT said he cant see the baby, i just said he cant just decide when he wants to be a dad it doesnt work like that.

 

i texted him lastnight and said i shouldnt have kicked off at him about him coming down but his mum should have told me that he was going to call down and he could have handled things better aswell, he didnt bother to text back, i then found out on a saturday he hadnt spent with me and my son he had lied to me saying he was working and had gone somewhere with his friends. I know hes a liar, hes lies all the time, he lets me down, he treats me badly, hes never there for my son, he dumped me when i was pregnant, hes never been 100% commited to me, but still, i love him and i dont know why.

Im really hurting at the moment, my son is the spitting image of his father and everyone always says this, hes such a special and beautiful little boy, his father doesnt know what hes missing.

Im finding it hard to move on because i keep remembering all the special memories we shared and its hard to come to terms with the fact that i wont ever kiss or hold him and share everything like we use to....i never planned on being a single mum at 19 and feel angry that im the one left holding the baby and my lifes on hold whilst he enjoys his freedom..Im really scared, confused and sad right now. Im scared i wont ever feel like this about someone im with in the future.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Hey there. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I know what it's like to feel like you've been left holding the bag when someone else is shirking their responsibilities.

 

I know that you love him because he's the father of your baby. Being a single mom is really hard - you wish that there was someone who cared as much as you do about every little thing your child does. I think that is one of the harder things about being a single mom.

 

The bottom line is that you know he is not going to take responsibility and you know that this child is not his priority for whatever reason. You're going to have to come to terms with that.

 

It might be worthwhile to think about this -- imagine he's not available, period. What would you do differently in your life? Would you get a sitter on Saturday night and go out with your friends? You know there's nothing wrong with that, right? Would you look for someone new to date? Would you find resources to go to school? What would be different if he were not around, pulling at your heartstrings? What would be different for you if you stopped expecting anything at all from him? It could be greatly freeing, but also sad.

[Twistedwhispers]

i still love him so much and know that inside all the hurt he loves me, as he has told me... but i now have a child to think of and can't afford to be caught up in the negative spiral.

 

hey ebeth,

i first joined this website when i was pregnant like you and my boyfriend had left me, it helped me so much, i didnt feel so alone anymore. even now, when i feel alone or just having a really horrible day, i come on here and it does make me feel better.

You said altough your boyfriend doesnt treat you good you know he loves you, its the same with my ex, although he treated me badly i knew he loved me, i just dont understand how you can love someone but still treat them so badly. Im doing alot better lately, doing things to take my mind of it, its hard but im trying. he still hasnt been in touch and to be honest i dont think he will, i know its his loss and we are better off without him but that doesnt stop me loving him.

how are you doing? how far gone are you? x

[Twistedwhispers]

I know what your saying about me coming to terms with that fact that he isnt going to be around, its hard but i am trying, i just feel angry and sad too, and also confused as to why i still love him after everything. he hasnt been in touch for days now, and i dont know how anyone can deny their own child, my sons so beautiful and such a good baby, why someone wouldnt want to be a part of his life is beyond me.

you said to me what would happen if he wasnt in my life what would i do differently, well since we have broke up i have been doing basically all of what you have said, i went out with my friends lastnight, im going to see a careers advisor tomorrow to talk about me taking training courses and im doing my driving lessons also, i am focusing on other things in my life and trying to build a life for me and my son but it hurts so much knowing that the happy family i always dreamed of has and never will exist, i wanted to give my son so much more. x

[TheSmilingTurnip]

What he's doing is sad -- for him! You have the joy of your son and your son has the joy of you, a mother who loves him very much. That will do, for now.

 

Honor your grief, but know that it will pass, and let it go. You have a lot of living to do and a lot possibilities to experience.

 

Trying to figure out 'why' is usually not too helpful. Ask yourself 'what' and 'how' questions. What do you need to do and how can you do it?

 

Annnnd remember this -- if there is any constant in life, it is change. Things always are changing. Avoid saying never or always, because they rarely are applicable. Don't deny yourself the possibility of a happy family by saying it will never exist -- you're young and your son is young - a happy family could very well take shape before your eyes when you're least expecting it. Just keep taking the next right actions and your life will unfold as you wish it to.