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In love with my friend


eoinkh

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Hi guys, this is more of a friendship question than a relationship one.

I am a gay man in my early 20s. I have been out for several years to all my family and friends, and I have a very happy personal and professional life. However lately I have found myself in a predicament. Nearly 1 year ago a friend introduced me to a guy. At first, I didnt pay much attention to him, however after meeting him several times I found him quite attractive. I asked him out, however he declined. Surprisingly to myself I took the rejection badly, usually I am very level headed and if a guy doesnt like me thats fine, its life, it takes all sorts. But with this guy I felt particulary deflated when he turned me down. However, it was obvious that he liked me as a friend, and rather than distance myself from him I allowed a friendship to develop. Long story short, 10 months later, myself and this guy are part of a large group of friends, of which we all get on very well together. We have many nights out, we take trips away, we have a very good connection and we all enjoy it, we are all delighted to have formed such a good bond with such a good group of people over the last year or so.

Although I have a problem, I still have strong feelings for this guy. I found it difficult at the start, a few weeks after he turned me down, I cried in front of him after a night out when I saw him going home with someone he had started seeing. He comforted me and he let it go, I apologised the following week and he said it was fine. I was determined to let go as well. During the summer he started seeing a guy from abroad and I was fine, I liked the guy he was seeing and he became part of our group. I was fine with it but I became jealous again when the boyfriend returned home after his summer here. My friend started seeing other people, having one-nighters etc. and it sparked me again. Also I feel, and I have good reason to, that he has not put as much into our friendship as I have. I have given him a very good friendship and he has not fully returned it. He is very sweet and is a very deep person, but he gets contrary with me sometimes and can be a bit condescending. He is like this with no one else, just me, and some people have noticed it. They have also noticed the way I can become jealous. I dont understand why he talks down to me, a friend of mine suggested that he doesnt really mean it, that he sub-consciously does it because he may perhaps feel the intensity off me and thats what causes it. I have started to feel like a secondary friend lately and it hurts. Its bad enough that I care about him so much and he doesnt feel the same way, but for me to offer him a friendship and him to take it for granted is bad.

The last few weekends we have been arguing, always started by me. Last weekend we argued and he is not talking to me now. I contacted him the next day to talk and he said maybe, but not right now, he was annoyed.

I love this guy, I really do, even though we have never even kissed, I do not believe you have to be having sex with someone to have feelings for them - you can be in a relationship for years and not care for the person. I love him but i dont want to anymore if it is not going to be returned. I have had periods of time away from him throughout the year and I feel great when he is not around. I feel too strongly to be his friend, and I feel angry that my gestures of friendship have not been returned. I just feel like a drinking buddy. I want some space away from him, for a few months, but this would mean removing myself from our closely-knitted group. I would miss out on so much.

I also do not know how to go about it. I feel I should tell my friend how I feel, explain to him that is the reason for the tension between us. I dont think I should disappear for a few months without talking to him first. I value our friendship even if it isnt ideal, and I want to do what is right. Some people agree with me, that honesty is the best policy, and dont just desert him after the argument we had, just dont let him know the depth of my feelings. I am hurt and upset by all of this, but there are worse things in life so I do not want to allow it to stress me anymore. I want my feelings back so I can keep them for someone who will return them, but at the same time I dont want to ruin the friendship I have with this guy, and I dont want there to be any anomisity between us, and I also dont want to alienate myself from my group.

Its a tough one, I have never heard of anyone having a problem like this before, and I do not know what to do.

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