Lack of Trust

[petitecutie]

My question is if your spouse has lied to you about going out on a date with another woman and then you find clear evidence that he had done so and then he finally admits to it, Would you believe him over another woman who comes to you saying they slept together? especially, if this woman was suppose to be his bestfriend for many years?

 

Basically, a woman friend of my husband sends me a message on myspace yesturday telling in details when and where they had sex. I admit that I immediately believe what she was saying to me because he has lied to me before to cover up going out with another woman. I told him I no longer trusted him and that it would take some time to rebuild that trust and he agreed not to talk to any other woman again but he did his so called best friend. The way he responded when I confronted him was weird you know as if he was not surprised by this but he tells me different as to why she said that. I still don't believe him and I told him that we need to be adults about this and he needs to call her and here what she's says as to why she would tell a huge lye like that, if in fact she is lying. I'd be there on the other end to listen but he insist that it's not a good idea to do that because I should trust him and thats just what she wants him to do.

 

All in all, yes, I don't trust either one them and especially never trusted her. He's about to leave in 2 days for the Navy and get pounded with all this bs.

 

I need someone's advice and opinions on this situation.

[Jayar]

Personally, I'd just avoid all the drama. This is a case here of trying to determine the lesser of two evils, essentially... he's a liar, she's a crap-disturber (who has ammunition by virtue of the fact that he's a liar). If you stay with this guy you're going to face a lifetime of trying to catch him, then making him clean up after himself to convince you to give him another chance to disappoint you again. Good luck, whatever you decide.

[Jeffrey2095]

Hi petitecutie, and welcome,

 

It really sounds difficult to trust him, I can see your point.

 

Now, if he can prove he's not lying by that phone scheme fine.

 

But, YOU should be his best friend, I don't think most women would be comfortable with that.

 

He should stay AWAY from her if he is sincere anyway.

 

The burden of proof is kind of on him.

 

Jeffr

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Wow I can see why you don't trust either of them. Lying is lying, and there's no getting around that, so you can't trust him to tell you the truth about whether he's slept with her. He probably did.

 

My question is -- what is a married man doing going on dates with women who are not his wife? Something's not right there. Dating other people is something you STOP doing when you are in a committed relationship and in some cultures, marriage is considered just that.

[Loki71]

He is lying to you. When my wife was lying and hiding things from me she told me the same thing " I am your wife so you should trust me" well I did and I only learned the truth after I put a keylogger in our computer and found what she was hiding. Just because he is your husband does not grant him automatic trust. Trust has to be earned and proven.

[petitecutie]

I thank you all for your opinions so very much. I'd like to also add that the only thing he ever says whenever I bring her up is "oh, I would never do anything with her because she's fat." Now, why would someone say something like that if your trying to convince another that your telling them the truth? I'm more so looking at what he's saying and not saying you know. I'm just confused on both ends and don't know how to get this issue on the table til I know for sure who's telling me the truth.

[Jayar]

I'd like to also add that the only thing he ever says whenever I bring her up is "oh, I would never do anything with her because she's fat." Now, why would someone say something like that if your trying to convince another that your telling them the truth?

 

Oh well in THAT case you should be fine, as long as he never meets a skinny woman... I wouldn't worry.

 

(The above was obviously sarcastic)

[Jeffrey2095]

I thank you all for your opinions so very much. I'd like to also add that the only thing he ever says whenever I bring her up is "oh, I would never do anything with her because she's fat." Now, why would someone say something like that if your trying to convince another that your telling them the truth? I'm more so looking at what he's saying and not saying you know. I'm just confused on both ends and don't know how to get this issue on the table til I know for sure who's telling me the truth.

 

Well, can she describe anything distinguishing about him?

 

That would maybe prove it.

 

Gee, some best friend he has too. Pffft.

 

Jeffr

[TheSmilingTurnip]

I thank you all for your opinions so very much. I'd like to also add that the only thing he ever says whenever I bring her up is "oh, I would never do anything with her because she's fat." Now, why would someone say something like that if your trying to convince another that your telling them the truth? I'm more so looking at what he's saying and not saying you know. I'm just confused on both ends and don't know how to get this issue on the table til I know for sure who's telling me the truth.

 

His response should be more along the lines of, 'I would never do anything with her because I'M MARRIED TO AND LOVE AND RESPECT YOU.' Not because her body is not up to par.

 

Both of these people sound crazy. Why would she try to start a fire where there wasn't already smoke? Do you see what I'm saying? Whether she's fat or not, she can still have sex, trust me. And he can still have sex with her. He just might not want a relationship with her. He has done *something* untoward in that relationship, or none of this would be happening. The only caveat is that I give this advice in the context of sane people.

 

Regardless of whether she's lying or not, here are a few things that you know are FACTS:

 

1. He's a liar - having a history of lying to you.

2. He lies about his relationships with other women.

3. He's married yet goes on dates with women who are not his wife.

4. Then he lies about it.

 

So why would he *not* lie about sleeping with her?

 

I know you're hurting and you want to believe your husband. I have been in your shoes with boyfriends. The only person you can trust in this situation is yourself and your instincts. He will try and convince you that your instincts are wrong, but they are NOT. Your subconscious picks up on little cues that your conscious mind misses and that's what produces the gut feeling that you can't shake that something is wrong. Trust it.

 

Can you stay in a relationship with someone you cannot trust as far as you can throw them? That's something you're going to have to come to terms with.

[Loki71]

he will give you all the excusses as to why he is not doing something just to hide that fact that he is doing it. If he has nothing to hide than he should be willing to prove it to you. And if she was just his best friend than she would respect your marriage and not play this game, which if she does not than out of respect for you he should stop talking to her and tell her to stop or he can no longer be friends with her.

[petitecutie]

And the thing is I knew something was wrong with her when we first met 2 yrs ago. she has this conceited attitude about her like once she made a comment after my husband confronted her for me when she pinched his ass in my face and she had the nerve to say I don't have seniority over here and was referring to the many years they've known each other before I came in the picture. Now, we weren't married then but thats besides the point she disrespected out relationship and he continued to remain friends with her after that. There were other occasions after that, she come by and wouldn't acknowledge my presense, she's just start rapping him up as if I weren't even there and not only that sometimes she wouldn't even say hi. I asked him why are you so press to be this womans friend and well he said because she was the only one he knew after moving from California to Maryland years ago. I'm thinking not thats besides the point. If someone turns out to be so evil as her then you should move on and especially after meeting me ..I'm like hey were now a family ..you don't need her. So after that message she sent to me about them sleeping together he then went and deleted her off of his friends list but I'm like oh why now ...he should have been done that instead of allowing it to come to this.

 

Both sides seem shady to me, she's a good liar and so is he so I don't know who to believe and there both scorpions.

 

I can send the message to you guys if you like to see what you think of it...

 

Warning: it sounds really believable because she's so detailed, she states facts that I already knew about but at the same your left to think ..now, why of all days would she wait til thanksgiving to dish out this info.??? What made her come out now and tell me what happened between them, why didn't she just continue to keep it to herself if there so cool.

[petitecutie]

Also, he said the reason why she did this was to get back at him for not coming to her birthday party, now I don't believe your best friend would stoop so low as to try to ruin your marriage just because you didn't come to her party. I can understand being mad but I mean this was really drastic.

[Loki71]

She wants him and does not want to share. her total lack of respect for you should make him stop seeing her. He needs to choose because it will not work with her in the picture.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Also, he said the reason why she did this was to get back at him for not coming to her birthday party, now I don't believe your best friend would stoop so low as to try to ruin your marriage just because you didn't come to her party. I can understand being mad but I mean this was really drastic.

 

I think it all sounds pretty adolescent. You know they're both liars...You will eventually decide what to do, but do trust your instincts.

[Hope75]

If my fiance had a friend like this who totally disrespected me I would tell him he had to choose- there is no way he should have a women in his life who treats you that way and he allows it!

 

It does sound like she has ulterior motive (as in, she wants your man) but I don't trust your husband as far as I can throw him because he has a history of cheating and lying too.

 

If I were you I'd wash my hands of both of them- tell them they can have each other as you are better then that.

 

Your husband certainly does not have his priorities straight.

[RayKay]

I honestly see absolutely no trust, or a basis for trust, in this marriage. He has lied to you before, why not now.

 

Why do you want to stay with a man whom goes on actual dates with other women anyway; whether he slept with this girl or not, he is clearly not committed to this marriage or you in any shape of form.

 

I think they are both juvenile and I think you deserve better than this drama. He should not be friends with THIS woman - not saying men and women cannot have opposite sex friends but clearly she is toxic and he can't be trusted - and she is just ugh...well.....I can't say it on here!

 

Were there any warning signs about his behaviour before marriage? How long have you been together/married?

[Tethys]

Hm, my opinion -- they have slept together and she's tattling. The "she's fat" comment gave the game away.

 

Despite her behavior, he stayed friends with her all these years because he liked her flirtatious behavior, even when it bothered you. Don't trust him. She doesn't sound particularly trustworthy either, but I think she's at least telling the truth about having a sexual relationship with him.

 

Don't buy that BS that his best friend would make up a giant lie to ruin his marriage over not going to a party. That's ridiculous. He's been stringing her along for so long, she got fed up and told you about their relationship.

 

Unless you have evidence that she is a total psycho (other than what your husband says about her), he's lying about something.

 

(Just my opinion, of course.)

[toshiba]

Why show us the message? The facts are all in front of you. It's up to you to decide what to do with them.

 

You acknowledge that he's a good liar. You have to ask yourself why you find this acceptable. You have to ask yourself if you think that this is normal and healthy.

 

She flirts with him before you two are married and he knows it bothers you but tells you that she's important to him so she's staying. And you go along with it. So what makes you surprised now at their behavior? You ok'd it from the start when you should have told him to get lost.

 

Are you afraid of leaving him because she will "get" him? What exactly is she getting?

 

Are you used to drama? Did you grow up with drama and lying? If so, you have some work to do before you can find a healthy relationship.

 

In the meantime, get away from him. He won't change.