accept your apology = forgiveness?

[Q-ball]

Hi everbody,

 

Just got an email from someone I recently hurt and gave a sincere apology to. It said:

 

I want you to know that I accept your apology, you sound now like you sincerely understand and regret your actions.

 

This girl's definition of forgiveness is basically

 

Forgiveness means feeling no need to punish one for their actions which wronged you.

 

my question is, is accepting an apology always = to forgiveness

 

thanks

[Censored]

I believe that this is a form of forgiveness.

 

However remember the quote: I will forgive but never forget.

 

Accept it as forgiveness and move on knowing in the end you tried to do the right thing.

[Jeffrey2095]

Hi Q-ball,

 

We all make mistakes, and should be afforded an opportunity to correct them.

 

As long as the apology was sincere, I think the forgiving should be too.

 

Now, an apology may or may not be accepted.

 

I think your friend was sincere.

 

Jeffr

[WaterIsLife]

I would say that accepting an apology includes forgiveness. But that does not mean that forgiving is forgetting, as others said. I agree with her definition of forgiveness too, feeling no need to punish one for their actions which wronged you. Fingers should only ever be pointed inward, not outward, no?

[phoenix91]

I agree with the above.. its like I forgive you, but I wont forget, so if you do the same mistake again, there's no forgiveness... so be carefull

[Q-ball]

thanks everybody, you all make a lot of sense.

 

yes, fingers pointed inward. My problem was letting things that bothered me slip past me as to avoid dealing with them at the time, and knowing that it was going to resurface eventually.

 

this lead to me attacking her for no reason, unexpectedly, out of anger from something i had claimed to have forgiven her for.

 

I had to learn what forgiveness truley meant and forgive her for real before my apology could be sincere, and it was.

 

I know i will not forget and neither will she, that is what makes people intelligent, but what do you do with it, why must we not forget? what purpose does not forgetting serve, i know that it definitely shouldn't mean approaching with your guard up, there would be no comfort with that, and there cannot be love without trust.

 

the only thing i can think of, is don't forget that it happened incase it happens again. am i on the right track

 

if it happens again, I think it means one of 4 things

 

1. they didn't truly understand what they were apologizing for but were sincere and tried and thought they had

2. they didn't truly understand what they were apologizing didn't try and had selfish motives to just get over the issue

3. apology wasn't sincere, they understood but only apologized for selfish reasons

4. apology was sincere, they understood, and did it again (the most cruel)

[WaterIsLife]

Q-ball,

 

Those are very good observations. I think your situation is very similar to how I was with my ex. I would let things slide because they were "no big deal" and then later, when it bothered me or I was searching for ammunition, I would pull it out and point it out here. Not fighting fair at all.

 

For me, a lot of this came from not feeling all that great about myself and situation at the time (outside of the relationship). Truth is, I was having a difficult time with other things and did not know how and did not know that I needed to manage/cope with that stuff in order to not allow it to affect other aspects of my life.

 

Fingers always point inward is a good thing to remember, and to remind yourself about. Write it down and stick it in your pocket. Its good for all aspects of life if you think about it.

 

I think your 4 things are spot-on

[Q-ball]

WaterIsLife, unbelievably similar, she actually used the word ammunition to describe my resentments

 

freaky

 

thanks so much

[ghost69]

depends on what the mistake was. spilled the milk in the fridge and blamed me, then told me it was you after i clean it up. okay, i will forgive. sleep with someone else, never forgive.

 

if someone does something bad to you and they say they accept your apology, then you are lucky they are forgiving you. doesn't excuse what happened from their head.

[buckdawg]

my wife does this...to this day. i am worried about her because she just buries things and doesn't deal with them. we'll be in an argument and she'll bring up something i did (granted i was probably being a jerk) 5 years ago. something i had forgotten completely about.

 

but forgiveness and accepting an apology don't necessarily go hand in hand i think. we can acknowledge that the person is sincerely regretful for their actions but actually dealing with the hurt they've caused is something that can take time. accepting an apology may be a crucial first step but it's not the end all and be all imo. i think forgiveness is a gift we give to other people and it's a very hard gift to give sometimes.

[WaterIsLife]

my wife does this...to this day. i am worried about her because she just buries things and doesn't deal with them. we'll be in an argument and she'll bring up something i did (granted i was probably being a jerk) 5 years ago. something i had forgotten completely about.

 

but forgiveness and accepting an apology don't necessarily go hand in hand i think. we can acknowledge that the person is sincerely regretful for their actions but actually dealing with the hurt they've caused is something that can take time. accepting an apology may be a crucial first step but it's not the end all and be all imo. i think forgiveness is a gift we give to other people and it's a very hard gift to give sometimes.

 

 

Yeah, the hurt caused is key. Forgiveness is indeed a gift.