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Guys pls pls read this...i'm too confused


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ok guys sorry if this might be a bit lengthy but here it goes..


i'm 24, in graduate school and recently got dumped by my boyfriend of 5 years who is also in the SAME graduate school and course as i am. he was also in the SAME college as me. between ages 5-10 i was sexually abused by my uncle (penetration was always involved) i recently told my mum who was pretty livid about the whole thing.



- we met while in college studying engineering (the same course) the first 3 months were good- he also runs a business on the side so he's pretty well off.... but the rest was pretty bad.. good might be too generous the first 3 months were ok(ish) he'd take me out to dinner, movies and so one but the sex was complicated.. for all 5 years i only had sex with him to make him happy. sex always hurt with him anytime i told him during sex, he'd stop and after 1 minute he'd ask if he can continue again, if i protested he'd sulk or ask me to leave his room. i tried to tell him about the situation and my uncle but he always seemed to brush it under the carpet or tell me to forget about my past.


2003 - 2006

- things started changing around then. he always accused me everything- even for the smallest of cases everything was always my fault- he called mre names in the process (like edit, edit) sometimes, he'll say that i was lucky to have him and no other man would want me. i found myself walking to eggshells to please him and trying to be the best girlfriend i can be but the more i tried the more i failed. he wasn't affectionate to me as much and anytime i asked him why he wasnt affectionate to me or treating me well anymore he'd say that it was because i wasnt letting him.- but he always wanted sex. i found myself thinking backwards, maybe if i didnt do things this way he wouldn't have yelled at me or he wouldn't have called me a edit . i started feeling isolated from college because all the time i was in his halls ..he always felt sad or started crying anytime i wanted to go to school or hang out with potential friends. anytimme he did things that i wasn't happy about he'd say that he didnt remember, or it's my fault or that's the way he is so i shoudn't change him. my parents noticed my change in personality and behaviour (i didnt) and stared questioning this so called relationship...they asked me to leave him because they felt he was sick but i didn't i kept seeing him behind their back. at a point in time he was very rude to my dad over the phone (2 times) and sent my mum a very vile text message. up till today he never apologised for what he did insted he justified his actions- saying he was standing up for himself. during the summer vacations, i had a massive row with my folks over him that i ran away from home to live with him and his family- for the whole break....

it was a horrible experience...we always had fights ..(it got physical), he'd lock his room so i don't come in,call me names, he'd go out without telling me BUT anytime i wanted to go back home he'd start crying..eventually i had the strength to go back home...my exam grades were horrible (his grades were faboulus even though he was constantly complaining about the stress i was causing him) i couldn't deal with the whole distraction that i changed courses..i changed to maths... anytime i wanted to leave the relationship he'd call me about 50-60times a day begging me to come back, he'd also threten suicide, ring my door bell, and do so many crazy stuff..making me feel bad...

anytime someting good happened to me he was never happy for me (getting a job, finally getting good grades) he always said " oh good!" in a dull voice



fastforward to today.....


he applied to the same course/graduate school as me....the course stared last month....on the first day he dumped me saying i'm a horrible person to be with, i'll never find a new boyfriend or make new friends, and basically he made out eveything to be my fault. he said i edit him over for the past 5 years, caused him a lot of stress and that he has met someone else...he also said i should get help or find a new religion because i'm nuts



this is edit i'm finding it soo hard to cope in school now with his presense..he seems so happy with his new friends while i'm left feeling raw, angry ,bitter and wishing that HE WAS DEAD....


guys pls i need ur help i can't cope with this.....i cant change courses or graduate school now cus it's too late....

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This guy is a control freak. As difficult as it may seem you have to let him go and move on with your life. Dive into your school work and get that in order first and foremost. If he has keys to your place I'd suggest changing the locks out. This guy sounds dangerous from some of his behaviors. Good luck and keep your chin up.

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Girl don't worry what goes around comes around. I have a strong feeling that he'll definiately come back to you, but please don't make that error again and give him another chance, because at the end of the day he'll make your life hell and thinks that he owns you.


Just try to date on a friendly base, look to make other friends and try to stay away from him instead of trying to impress him. Don't play any attention to him. Just come do your work, study on your free break and don't have too many people moving around with for this might just put a one minute smile on your face.


Just aim that your main focas is to get your grades to better your self and future. Don't allow him to be a problem, he'll see his self in due time. Bless luck to you.xxxx

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Welcome to enotalone.


Wow, this guy sounds like a real creep. Yikes. I think he reacted without sensitivity to your problems. He should have suggested you get therapy, not sweep it under the rug.


Do you have an advisor yet? I would talk to your advisor, or to the department chair, or a professor you think you can trust, and see if they have any suggestions. It may not be too late to switch. For example, if you are at a large university, maybe they can help you switch departments (some places have multiple departments that are overlapping, and switching from one program to another is not difficult). I guess this depends on where you are a student, and if it is a large university or not. But if they hook you up with an advisor professor who is on the other end of campus, then you may never have to see your ex again!


Most universities also have a counseling services office, please make an appointment to talk to them. There are phychaitrists and therapists to help you deal with situations like these.


I think you should definitely do something and find out your options. Or your department may let you take a year leave of absense. I don't think you should work in conditions where your sanity is being tested. I am sorry this guy was such a jerk to you. I think you will meet someone better who will understand you when you are ready.


Did you ever report your boyfriend to the police for hitting you? that is a crime, you know!!

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This guy is a total jerk and an abuser.


sometimes, he'll say that i was lucky to have him and no other man would want me.


he dumped me saying i'm a horrible person to be with, i'll never find a new boyfriend or make new friends


What I just quoted says it all -- this is typical abuser talk, used to destroy your self-esteem and control you. As soon as anyone ever tells you something like this, leave. You know what they're about.


You're an intelligent person -- you made it this far in school. Don't let someone who's not fit to wipe your feet distract you from realizing your potential.

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Sweetheart, this guy was horrible to you and it went on for too long. I really think you should consider getting counseling for a little while and even maybe long term to deal with the abuse you went through as a child and maybe also how it relates to your recent relationship. I know it probably seems extremely overwhelming to have to go into all of it again, but before you can be in another relationship or know what healthy relationship means to you, you absolutely have to start on a process of healing and being good to yourself.......

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hey guys thanks for the replies...it's been really helpful

unfortunately i'm not able to change courses or college for some complicated reasons and my dad has already paid for the full year so he'd be livid if he found out i want to jump ship


classes haven't been easy for me..been trying to ignore him but it's really hard...he seems soo happy getting on well with pracically everyone on the course but me...i'm like the obly one priviledged to see his ugly side.


two weeks ago he called me up and apologised for things. he said he wanted things to be good between us and he didn't like that i was ignoring him. he also said he couldn't see himself being with anyone else longterm but me. this prompted me to ask him about the "girl" he wanted to be with. he said he didn't want to talk about it

anyway i had to run because i was in a hurry. a week later i was feeling a little low so i met up with him @ a bar and he suddenly flipped. he made it clear that


- It was MY FAULT that things are the way they are between us


- it was MY FAULT that sex was **** between us ( i felt more **** given that i only had sex for him and that it was ALWAYS unpleasant)


- it wss MY FAULT that my family and friends despise him (according to him, i spreaded lies about him to them ) in fact he said he was only standing up for himself during the heated conversations with my parents!!!


- it was MY FAULT that he felt so **** during college years and that he's soo happy now at graduate school with his new "friends"


- it was MY FAULT that i refused to live with him during college years


- it was MY FAULT for holding onto the past (the abuse i suffered from my uncle) and i can't seem to forget about it and all the bullying i suffered at school. he suggested i find a new religion or go see a shrink b'cus i have issues

he also said i have a jeckel/hyde personality


- it was MY FAULT and my wicknessness for nearly letting him commit suicide and not answering his 50-60 phonecalls and that NOBODY ever made him feel ds way.


- when i brought up the horrible stuff he said to me the other week (about me not finding a new bloke/friend etc) he DENIED ever saying such things..then he cleverly flipped things around..accusing me of thinking someone as DECENT as him could EVER say such things


i thought i was going MAD

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you know, you really need to stop talking to this guy, he is a complete, selfish creep. I would talk to your dad about how unhappy you are. you clearly can't focus on this kind of an environment. have you talked to your advisor? maybe they can get you into some classes that he is not in next semester. i think you need to avoid him at all costs. and if you can't switch classes, then just avoid him, treat him like you would any other random stranger you are taking a class with.

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