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HELP! She still loves me but chose him.


brackjj1181

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SORRY FOR THIS BEING SO LONG but I need some help, PLEASE! I'm 26 years old and was with (sort of) my ex girlfriend for a few months but we had been involved as friends/dating/sex for about 3 years. During that time, she was completely in love with me and wanted to be with me but I couldn't return the feelings. Although I DID love her, I was confused. I kept going back and forth, pushing her away, pulling her close -- causing her so much pain over 3 years! It wasn't intentional, I was just in such a bad place in my life and had so much to sort out in myself. She would still date others but she couldn't get serious because she loved and wanted to be with me SO bad. I dated too, but we always wound up with each other. I finally wound up committing to her, but still couldn't give her what she wanted. At that point, I was done being selfish so told her that she needed to move on. She was devestated. What was especially hard was how involved we were with each other's families. Her and I wouldn't talk, but she'd talk with my mom every now and then, things like that.

 

This was 5 months ago. Now is the present. A lot has changed in my life and things are now clear. I got passed many of the issues that were holding me back. I LOVE HER! Her and I got in touch and I found out that she has been dating someone for 3 months and feels like she loves him. BUT, she tells me that she still loves me and can see us being together -- in fact, can see us getting married -- but JUST NOT RIGHT NOW. She feels like she needs to explore this new relationship and see where it goes. HOWEVER, when I first saw her last week, she was all over me, sobbing, kissing me, telling me how much she loves me! But oddly, 30 minutes after I leave, she COMMITS TO HIM! So now they are officially together, but I stil pursued her strongly. She saw me twice more and both times started by her trying to be strong with her guard up, but wound up still kissing me, crying and on top of that, lying to him about it. The last time I saw her was last night, at my birthday dinner with my family, kissing me, touching me, etc. but she said that we need to be over and she needs to pursue her new relationship. But she pretty much cheated on him with me! I mean what the F!?! Anyway, Her words were, "when I'm with you, I want to be with you, when I'm with him, I want to be with him, and when I'm alone, I want to be with HIM." Ouch...

 

I understand that she needs needs to explore this relationship. She owes it to herself. I also understand that it's hard for her to accept that my feelings are real, considering the pain I caused her. So what do I do? I know I should leave her alone and let her pursue this relationship but Love her SO much and want to be with her for the long haul. I also don't want to push her further away by pushing it. I'm just in so much pain. I've never felt this kind of pain. I feel like I lost her and don't know what to do. I had a girl that knew me completely and loved me no matter what. She is perfect and I blew it. The table has turned and I'm so lost. Please help me.

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To be honest the fact that she was hurt so many times by you makes her trust you less.

If that is not the case, then if she loved you, she wouldn't want to be with anyone else. She might just really, really like you and that other guy... but not love.

 

What you should do is: either try to convince her that you are committed to her and will try your best to let her know that you really do love her. Just be nice, be there for her, you know...

Or you could try leaving her alone. It all depends on you two and what kind of relationship you have (not the romantic one, but you know... knowing what the other one can handle and stuff).

Good luck!

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At this point you need to show, not tell that you have changed.

 

You have the opportunity to spend time with her, which many do not get the chance to do. Be careful that she isn't using you to make the transition easier from you to him though. I do this by establishing boundaries, with strict self discipline. But I hint at the fact that I'm interested.

 

Make every outing, or "hang" positive, and brief. It is actually working for me. I'd not bring up the topic of the relationship or ESPICALLY the other guy, unless she does.

 

Patience, and baby steps is key.

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Exactly! I'm on my way back with mine too - I think... There is this totally how little lady at the ......... An my now available fist love from high school will be here for x-mas and........

 

Oh well, there are other options as far as I'm concerned.

 

But, yeah, be cool man!

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At this point you need to show, not tell that you have changed.

 

You have the opportunity to spend time with her, which many do not get the chance to do. Be careful that she isn't using you to make the transition easier from you to him though. I do this by establishing boundaries, with strict self discipline. But I hint at the fact that I'm interested.

 

Make every outing, or "hang" positive, and brief. It is actually working for me. I'd not bring up the topic of the relationship or ESPICALLY the other guy, unless she does.

 

Patience, and baby steps is key.

 

yea agree's!

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Be very careful here. This line in particular stood out for me.

Her words were, "when I'm with you, I want to be with you, when I'm with him, I want to be with him, and when I'm alone, I want to be with HIM." Ouch...
This is not good. She has attraction for you but she has far more for him and she's stringing both of you along. He's getting the better end of the deal though and I would put money on it that she'll go to him, unless you get very lucky. I would also suspect that unless you do get very lucky, a month or two down the line she tell you she's made her choice and he's the "one". Bye bye you. Now women are mystery enough to themselves never mind to men so who knows, but that's how I see it panning out, barring him really screwing up and in general he would have to really screw up if she's got that attraction for him.

 

Ways to avoid this? Back off. When she does contact you keep it very light upbeat and fun. He will be doing this as he doesn't have as much invested at this stage so you can't be emotional. She has had mixed signals from you from the start so the more sure and consistent you are the better. make yourself more valuable and attractive to her. More valuable and attractive than he is at the moment. Be aware though that at the moment you're the one in the disadvantaged position.

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At this point you need to show, not tell that you have changed.

 

You have the opportunity to spend time with her, which many do not get the chance to do. Be careful that she isn't using you to make the transition easier from you to him though. I do this by establishing boundaries, with strict self discipline. But I hint at the fact that I'm interested.

 

Make every outing, or "hang" positive, and brief. It is actually working for me. I'd not bring up the topic of the relationship or ESPICALLY the other guy, unless she does.

 

Patience, and baby steps is key.

This is very good advice to have any chance of saving this.
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I would back off for now.It's no wonder she has mixed feelings towards you.You had 3 years to decide whether you liked this girl or not,now all of a sudden you do!It sounds like she needs time to sort out her feelings.There likely isn't much you can do in the interem to sway her towards you anyway.After 3 years she likely is very familiar with your strengths and weaknesses .

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