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what to do when he's "confused"...?


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Here are the facts:


-We work at the same store, he is my boss.

-We got together after my boyfriend of the same age broke up with me and right during the time of his divorce with his wife of two years.

-We have been in a secret relationship for 7 months.

-I am 17, he is 27.

-We are deeply, sincerely in love, and except for the age and circumstances are perfect for each other.

-He has a one year old son who lives with his ex wife in florida, and us in new jersey.



Last week he canceled plans with me to go out drinking with a female co-worker or ours, somethings i obviously cannot do given my age. i was upset, feeling that he ditched me, although he tried to eplain that he was doing it to prove that he had no social life (this girl has been asking about us and if anything is going on, something we assure her "no." Up until that point, we have been perfect, making plans to wait until I turn 18 and move to college when we can be together. But now he is saying he is confused. He is texting me less. I asked if he was trying to break up with me but he said no, and is jsut trying to figure things out. Given all the previous facts there is a lot of thigns going on his life at th emoment, and me too with applying to college. However we both agreed that our relationship will not work unless we are both 100%. Unfortunately i don't believe that he is still 100%. Do I doubt that his feelings are true? Not at all... I believe it, I know it, I am certain of it. However I see a bit of truth in some of the things that he says about how maybe no matter how hard we try we are only fooling oursevles that our relationship will never work.



Anyways, aside from all the moralistic issues and having a secret life issues... putting all those aside. My question is this:


How can I prove to this man that I am here for him no matter what, no matter what circumstances and obstacles we are facing? How can I show him that I desperately want us to work? And how can I ask him to not give up on us??


I am worried that he is overwhelmed by everything going on in his life. My greatest fear is to make things worse for him, or to add stress to his already stressful life. I love him, and only want to make things better for him, which is hard considering he has to hide me. What can I do to buy myself more time? I am worried about us!


Thank you for all who reply to this.



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OK, there are several HUGE issues here:


A ten year age difference is a LOT for any seventeen year old ... you will change completely over the next 5 years or so, he will remain essentially the same.


You are both rebounding from failed relationships. Getting over a divorce from someone he once loved enough to marry is an enormous life change for him. Be prepared to only be a stop-gap for him.


The fact that you have to hide the relationship only makes it more impossible in the long run. Just look at the problems in your post that upset you.


He has kids, so he will be forced to maintain some closeness with his ex wife.


I think you are setting yourself up for a hard fall, Susan. I don't doubt your feelings, but you would really be better off with someone nearer to your own age despite your feelings for him.



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Hi Susan,


To be honest, at your age that is a huge age difference. We are talking about a man who has been married, had children, experienced life and dating and being on his own, being able to vote, drink, own his own home, etc. He's in a very different place in his life than you are.


The fact that he's keeping your relationship a secret from everyone tells me that on some level he knows there is something wrong with dating a teenage girl who likely still lives at home with mom and dad and still goes to high school, and may not even be legal to be in a relationship with- but he still does it anyway, which is disturbing.


I'm going to be honest with you and tell you that I don't see this relationship lasting, because of the different life stages you are at, the fact that he is ashamed on some level of being with you, as well as knowing it may be illegal and morally wrong, and as a result he keeps it secret, plus the fact that he may be realizing all of this and that's why he's pulling away.


I will also tell you that when you hit your 20's you will go through so much growing and changing... you will experience life and become more 'adult' and more self aware. I can tell you at 32 I am nowhere near the person I was at 17... not even close. What are the odds that you are going to want to be tied down to this guy even if he did want to stick around when you are a college girl, wanting to grow and change and experience your young life to it's max potential?


Honey, right now your biggest interests should be what college you plan to go to, your friends, and going to the prom and graduating high school- not playing mom to a baby your 27 y.o. boyfriend has with his wife- get my drift?

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